I have been lurking here for quite a while and feel I have a good understanding of the basic concepts. Long story short, I feel my husband ignores me and I am last on his priorty list. We spend virtually no time together and what time we are together the tv is on and/or he is on the phone. (He runs his own business, very successful) What really bothers me is he thinks there is absoulutely nothing wrong with our relationship, when I have told him several times I am unhappy, what makes me unhappy, and what I would like to see change. I encourage him to tell me how he feels and if there is anything that he wishes I would do differently..etc. UGH! He just thinks everything is perfect. What do I do?

What do I do?

How about this for a starter - STOP BLAMING HIM!

You "own" half the marriage, and all that goes with it. However "toxic" you feel it is now, it got that way with your participation.

Now that that's out of the way, take action! The best first step is to order the book His Needs, Her Needs from this site.

READ IT!

Then, or possibly concurrently, find the Emotional Needs Questionnaires, on this site as well. Print them out. Calmly and in the right mode ("We have some work to do", not "Here, you have to fix this!") approach your husband and explain that you have found a wonderful site that can foster and facilitate great loving relationships in couples who are willing to work at it. Both of you complete the questionnaires, share the results and be AMAZED about how little the two of you have told each other about your desires.

Do that much, and come back here for additional guidance.

Um, I am NOT blaming him. I know I play a part in this as well which is why I try to talk to him about it and ASK if there is something I do wrong or something I can do to fix my side but he sees nothing wrong, or says he's happy... ok well I'M NOT.

We did the emotional questionnaires months ago and nothing has changed. I will order the book.

Oh and btw, I have never approached him with a "you need to fix this" attitude. I always use "I" statements and calmly express my feelings the best way I know how. His usual response is "I don't see why you feel that way" or "that's not true". Apparently, we have a problem with communication as well.

What did you do with the knowledge you gained from the questionnaire? Did you map out a plan to meet each other's needs? Are you spending 20+ hours a week in UA time?

It sounds like you may have a problem with Disrespectful Judgements (DJ) and Demands. The title of this thread alone is a DJ. Your husband says he is happy, and you are DJing him and making a demand by insisting that he should feel the same way you do.

Have you introduced him to Marriage Builders (MB)?
Would he be willing to schedule 20 hours a week for Undivided Attention (UA)?

Some reading on DJs and Respectful Persuasion that you may find interesting:
When to tell your spouse "We have a problem"
Disrespectful Judgements

Honestly, we are lucky to get 5 hours UA time a week. This is probably my main concern. He sees it as if we are in the same house or room then we are spending time together.

As far as the questionnaires it seemed to be a real eye opener for the both of us but when it came time to apply what we learned we fell on our faces. I feel that I really tried but when he sees it as nonsense or doesn't put forth much effort in my needs, what should I do? I am becoming resentful.

I understand that the title of my thread is a little cruel. But the fact is I would never say that to him. I came here to vent my frustrations and at the time of my first post I was extremely upset. I KNOW I have faults and flaws like anyone else, but I can't work on them if I don't know what they are. As in, he won't tell me how he feels if he is upset or if something is bothering him. He just seems to get over it then just say that I'm perfect and he's happy. I never said he should feel the way I do. Honestly, I am GLAD he is happy... but what if I'm not?

Um, I am NOT blaming him.

.....so you entitle your thread (drum roll, please)

My husband is clueless

If I, waaaaaaayyyyyy out here in cyberland, can detect the inconsistency between your STATED opinions, and your DEMONSTRATED behavior, in one note.......well, you get my point.

ETA: You type faster than I can, and I was just devoting 30 minutes of UA with my bride!

I have already addressed the thread title. If you have any suggestions for me then feel free to state them. Otherwise, can we please move on?

Furthermore, you made it clear that from one very emotion filled paragraph that you know me and my life and history sooo by all means comment on why when I tell my husband that something he has said or done hurt my feelings he responds with "you are such a crybaby" or "toughen up" or occasionally throws a name or two in there. Which is exactly what happened a few minutes before this post. So, excuse me for being upset and choosing a poor title.

You're right.

I'm the problem.

Goodbye.

I never said you were the problem. I said I understood my title was cruel but also stated I wouldn't say those words to him. I am upset. I love my husband and believe he loves me. But I want a romantic relationship. I want to spend time with him and him with me. I welcome your opinions, however, bashing me over a thread title isn't going to help my marriage.

I am sorry if I offended you but your two posts struck a nerve with me as well. All I want to do is have a marriage we are BOTH happy in.

Hi samiam, welcome to Marriage Builders. If motivation is the problem I would try phone coaching with Steve Harley. He is very persuasive and is often able to get through to men, especially. He will use a logical approach to persuade your H to engage. Usually folks counsel with Steve themselves in a private session and then he will advise you what to say to get your spouse involved in the next session. He splits the sessions between you and your H.

That is how I would approach it, if I were you. You don't need that many sessions, you just need someone to motivate your H and put you on the right track. After that, you can implement the program on your own.

Welcome Samiam!

I see a lot of myself and my struggles in you. I, too, and a HUGE DJer - I have called myself the Queen of the Disrespectful Judgement. They're so easy for me to do it's like breathing. My DJs played a large part in the erosion of intimacy and happiness in my marriage - and it took me a long time to even see it.

I often think that DJs are the worst of LBs simply because they seem so innocuous and are usually motivated by good intentions. We want to help, we want to make things better, we want to help our spouse and so we DJ.

You are DJing quite a bit. And you are giving yourself a pass to do so. You are giving yourself excuses why it's ok this time, or it is ok on the forum - you never do it to your husband.

But you do.

You do it in your head - and that is JUST as damaging as saying it. Thinking it is just as hurtful. Because thoughts influence our actions. You may not VERBALLY DJ - but those Disrespectful thoughts you think about your husband come out - in your tone of voice, in your body language, in your responses to his actions, in the way you interact with him day in and day out.

He may not be able to put a finger on it - but he feels it.

I know my husband did.

I often bemoaned our loss of closeness until the day I realized how large a role my own attitude played in that loss. I created an environment where my husband could not feel safe and honest. There were problems but he couldn't even identify them enough to fix them because they were safely unvoiced thoughts hiding in my head - but they were still affecting us.

So it was easier for him to put up his walls, and close himself off, easier to turn away from the problem he couldn't identify and work to make a happy life.

And the result was a dramatically less emotionally intimate marriage, and I'd sometimes miss our old closeness and wonder what had happened to us.

I mention this because you seem to want to move on from what the posters here have identified as your main problem: Your Disrespectful Judgements, and focus on what you think the problem is: your husband's attitude.

But, because marriage is the interweaving of two lives, no actions or behaviors exist in a vacuum. You influence your husband and he influences you. Your actions and thoughts towards him have consequences.

Now we can't MAKE your husband shape up - and you wanting him to 'shape up' is a DJ in and of itself. But we can help you work on an area where you are struggling and chances are work on that area will affect a positive change in your husband's behavior.

So after that preamble, let me respond to your posts:


GREAT! The concepts are very simple, but their execution can take a while to get down. Read and study as much as you can. Get the books Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs. They expound on the basic concepts, flesh them out, explain them in more detail. It was reading Love Busters that I discovered how I was damaging our Marriage - and I'd already been doing the MB stuff for months when I did that!

(Little tip: if you're short on cash, you can email in a question to the Radio show and if they answer it on air, you will get a book for free)


This is very painful. It hurts to feel so unimportant to someone you love and someone who vowed to love you. You feel unloved, unimportant, uncared for. Everything in the world is more important to you.

It hurts.

It sucks.

What makes it worse is the person hurting you doesn't even acknowledge they are hurting you - or worse, make you feel like you don't have the right to be hurt.

The problem with being hurt like this is it damages your feelings of love for your husband. Sure you'd probably be willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, and curb your DJs for him if you felt he were prioritizing you - but he isn't. So why should you work to think well of him when he is hurting you so?

And so the negative cycle perpetuates itself.

He invalidates and ignores you -> You feel hurt and lash out at him in your mind -> You act in ways that are unloving towards him -> He doesn't want to be around someone who acts unloving or is always unhappy and hurt -? You (rightly) feel ignored -> He invalidates and ignores you...

On and on - until someone decides to put at STOP to it.

Looks like that person is going to have to be you.


Could be he feels there is nothing wrong with the relationship - or could be he doesn't want to work on it. Could be he doesn't feel emotionally safe with you. Could be a lot of things. Basically he doesn't want to work on it.

That's ok.

You don't need him on board at the very beginning to begin making progress. You can focus on yourself for now, and just that will be enough to create positive changes. Over time as you get better at this, it is likely he will become more willing to join you.


Could be everything is perfect - or could be he just doesn't want to tell you.

That's ok - you can still work on yourself.


Yes, you ARE blaming him. You blame him constantly for the state of your marriage. You accuse him of being happy and not wanting anything to change. It outrages you that he feels that way when you are so unhappy. You accuse him of it like it is a crime.

Also, point blank "What am I doing wrong?" Questions aren't always the best way to find out how to improve. A point blank question will usually cause the answerer to completely draw a blank.

Ideally you two could do the Love Busters Questionnaire - and you could give it to him to work on over the course of a couple of days so you can get his well thought out answers.

That may not be possible.

Perhaps ask him to write down every time he feels irritated or upset with you during a week, then sit down and review it. If he isn't willing to do that, then you keep a journal for a week. Write down any time he complains and what it is about - any time he gets upset with you. If you aren't sure why he is upset, ask him to clarify. The complaints and anger will give you a pattern of behavior that upsets him.


Well, why did nothing change? You got valuable information from that questionnaire - are you using it? Or do you just mean he didn't start working on meeting any of your needs?

Did you start trying to meet his?


I would be careful with I statements - they can very EASILY be twisted into Disrespectful Judgements. Just throwing the word "I" in there doesn't make a statement helpful, loving or constructive.

"I feel like you don't care about me."
"I feel like you don't value our time together."
"I feel like you don't want to spend time with me."

All I statements. All are disrespectful judgements.

"I feel uncared for."
"I feel unvalued."
"I feel lonely."

Statements of facts about things you KNOW to be true: your feelings.



He is DJing you as well. You don't have to accept it.

"It hurts me when you say that." Is a valid response.

Your feelings are - they aren't right or wrong, they are natural responses to actions.


THIS is your biggest problem, right here. All the meeting of needs and eliminating DJs won't count for diddly if you aren't spending time together. You need 20 hours minimum.

Could you sit down together and plan time with one another? Actually schedule activities, schedule what it is you are going to do so you aren't just existing in the same space. What is it you did when you were dating? What is it that brought you together.

The principle of Undivided Attention requires that the time together be spent in ways that are fun and enjoyable. If UA time is pleasant, over time you will both want as much as you can get of it - but it takes time, planning and commitment from the beginning.



You keep meeting his needs and you practice Radical Honesty. Also set reasonable goals for yourselves. Learning to meet ENs is a process - it is about developing new habits and so it will take time. Be willing to ASK for what it is you need as he learns to do it.

When you feel like some of your needs aren't being met - politely let him know. When he DOES meet your need, thank him and appreciate that he did so.

What are your top needs? How do you want them met? If you let us know that, we could help you give him ideas on how to develop the habit of meeting that need.

What are his top needs? How does he want them met? We can help you plan as well.

Resentment is a marriage killer - it will eat away at your marriage.


But you're ok with doing it in your mind and on an anonymous forum. You're ok beating up your husband in those places, where he can't even defend himself.

It isn't a little cruel - and it's very telling that you give yourself an excuse as to how this hurtful behavior is 'ok'.

You've hurt him and he can't even protect himself from it - and you're ok with that. You want us to drop it and move on.

That is very callous.

I've already describe why giving yourself a pass to DJ your husband in ANY venue is dangerous but I will reiterate: What you think you do - what you give yourself permission to think and write about you will allow to influence your behavior.

I have had to nip all DJs from my thoughts.

They were destroying my marriage.

I recommend you do the same.


Again, giving yourself permission to hurt your husband. It's ok to hurt your husband when you're extremely upset?

Is it ok for him to hurt you when he's extremely upset?

Who gets to define extremely upset?



Then you let him know that you will not persist in the marriage you are now in. That the status quo is unacceptable and that you need more - and you let him know exactly what that more is, and you help him develop a plan to give you that more.

Have you read this article:
When should you tell your spouse "We have a problem"


But the thread title issue hasn't been addressed. It demonstrates a fundamental problem that you are facing. Having a 'move on' attitude isn't going to help. You say you can't fix anything if you don't know what the problem is.

Well a problem has been pointed out - and rather than try to address it you make excuses, give reasons and say it isn't a big deal, can we move on to the important stuff please?

This IS the important stuff. This is a problem you can fix!



Again, more justification and excuses for poor behavior and bad choices.

His bad behavior doesn't justify your bad behavior. His belittling you does not justify you lashing out and beating him up in your head. Making that choice does not make your marriage better.

When he calls you a crybaby or other names, when he tells you to toughen up let him know that is hurtful and you won't be around someone who hurts you (this is called a boundary, something you should read up on) and remove yourself from him.

It is understandable that you are upset. He is doing things that are very hurtful. But using that hurt to make poor choices is contributing to the negative patterns in your marriage. So make another choice.

A little bit of advice: when someone says something that strikes a nerve, rather than lash out at them, think about WHAT it is about the statement that bothers you. Consider WHY it is that it caused you to want to lash out. Chances are there is something in there you need to work on or address in yourself.

If you can't find anything like that, or you're too upset to consider it - shelve it. Put it aside for now and go back to it later.

Implementing MB is a paradigm shift. It is tough at first and takes a while. It can be frustrating and feel like you aren't getting anywhere at first, but over time it gets easier.

You're coming from a good place - wanting a happy marriage. It CAN be done, YOU can do it! The people here are motivated purely from a desire to help you do it. We don't get anything from beating you up we really don't. We want you to have the marriage you want.

WoW.. I think that may be all I am capable of saying right now. I may actually be speechless for the first time in my life. LOL But, you are so incredibly RIGHT. I DO think these things in my head and although I have never really thought about it I am SURE it affects my attitude and the way I interact with my husband. Thank you so much for taking the time to post to me. You have actually moved me to tears.

I think I am going to read this again... or 2 or 3 more times and will post again later.

Thank you Mel. I will definitely give it a go. However I am afraid, with my H being the breadwinner, he may see it as an unnecessary expense as I am sure it's a little costly. We are ok financially but H is very (understandably) cautious with money.

Vibrissa, they were fantastic posts, I just slightly disagree with this bit.

I think if you say "I feel" that it needs to be followed with a feeling. I feel uncared for, and I feel unvalued are not feelings, I see them as just another way to phrase the original sentence. Whereas "I feel lonely" is much better, its a statement of your core feeling.

I think its better to say something like "I feel worried that you don't enjoy my company" (ie you're not stating it as truth, just describing how you feel and not as a blame for his actions but allowing him space to reply without feeling defensive) or "I feel sad that we are not having as much fun together as we used to."

I totally agree with the entirety of the rest of your posts, I used to do very similar, and it took a lot of work on myself to get our relationship back on track. I used to believe my husband didn't listen to me, but thinking back I dismissed what he had to say an awful lot more than he ever did it to me. He really didn't feel safe to talk to me and spending time with me wasn't fun for him.

Have you simply told him honestly, politely, and respectfully that this is not good enough for you?

Excellent point. I wrote it off the cuff and then realized last night that my corrections weren't quite right and meant to come back and clarify. As you can see this is an area where I am working on myself, too.

Recently read a great tip to change the statement from 'feel' to 'am'

i.e.

I feel like you don't want to talk to me.

I am like you don't want to talk to me.

The statement doesn't make any sense. Whereas:

I feel sad that we don't talk very much.

I am sad that we don't talk very much.

Statement makes sense thus it is a feeling, not a DJ disguised as a feeling by throwing the word 'feel' right before it.

But obviously, even this trick can't keep from avoiding DJs.

It is best to stick to actual emotions though.