Don't yell at me But I am really scared to send that letter to his workplace. I looked into it and there is no policy. They are working in a factory so there is no office type communication. They do talk at the workplace, that's it. But I am so scared to send that letter. My FIL works there too and I am sure he would see it and everyone would be mad at me in the family.

Is it really worth all that? I just don't know. Everyone seems to already know.... but to send the letter?

If he loses his job, how does that pull him back to the marriage? I am afraid it will mean there is no reason to come back because he can get another job and keep pursuing her.... I need more explanation or something....

Well if your FIL condones the affair, then he's no champion or supporter of your M.

What do you fear more.

Do you fear that your children, all FOUR PRECIOUS KIDS, are raised in a broken home?

Do you fear divorce and division of all marital and joint assets at all?

Do you fear your children having to go see daddy on visitations and that daddy is living an immoral life with a posow shacking up with him? A posow who could give a care at all about YOUR kids? I know first hand b/c my xh's ow/wistress wife in the end, when all was said and done (they're divorced now) she has made ZERO attempts to even see my son at all, after proclaiming she "loved him so much".

Do you fear the pain and anguish of handing your children off to a wayward and a selfish, evil, utter stranger and enemy to your family?

If you fear these things MORE than sending off a letter FILLED WITH TRUTH, which will, many times over, SAVE YOUR FAMILY AND MARRIAGE, then I can't give you any more advice.

Exposure is a tool. Like the atom bomb. It stops the affair dead and without warning.

I am sure at that business, there is a person somewhere who is over the workforce and human resources. If that company has more than say 10 people, they probably are WELL AWARE of the horrible legalities and damages that a sexual harassment lawsuit brings. It's extremely costly.

I would also assume that they will not tolerate this well at all, and hopefully the posow will get fired. After all, one of them HAS to go if your M is to survive.

There must be total NC put in place for LIFE. And exposing at the workplace to the highest level can put them in the hot seat.

Sorry, but Mehr, girl you have to choose.

Choose wisely.

It's your marriage, family vs. a letter.

Who gives a dung beetle if there is no policy about this. This may be the 1st time this has happened there, but thankfully, this letter could bring about positive change there, so if the posow somehow stays and your WH goes, then she will be not allowed to have affairs there, nor will anybody else in the future, so you're doing good.

Of course I want to choose the marriage over the job, but I don't understand how it helps to send the letter. I need to know. Can you explain why this helps?

FIL is definitely not okay with the affair and has been lecturing DH, but he would still be ticked beyond belief if i sent a letter to their workplace.

Or you could do nothing, he stays on the same job and keeps pursuing her. I guess that way is the least amount of effort, other than the effort of crossing your fingers and hoping the A dies on its own. Is that what you're looking for?

Something that is unique about a workplace affair is that a lot of what they have in common is the workplace. Remove that common denominator and you hack a big chink in the A. Would you prefer your WH to have a new job, or a new marriage?

Even better is the scrutiny and disapproval of upper management and of any fellow employees who find out and disapprove. Those are your plusses in exposing in the workplace.

This is an excellent point..... how do I find out who his supervisors are? I don't know and this is a GIANT company.

Why this helps.

I just explained it to you. Sexual harassment lawsuits happen all the time in the workplace, and a rejected lover or an ow (or om) can tell the president or the board or the dir. of human resources that somebody at the company made unwanted sexual advances and blah blah blah.

It has cost companies millions and millions of dollars.

Companies do not tolerate workplace indiscretions/affairs because of this volatility. It is a lose/lose situation for them and it always results in something bad.

Who cares if WH gets ticked. The letter is to expose the affairees at work, and hopefully end or put greater distance between them and put pressure further upon the affair, and put the affairees at their places of their illicit trysts, under a microscope and that kills the wayward fantasy craptastic ho-mance. No more ho-mance goin' on with big brother looking over your shoulder every second of the work day.

Plus, it can sometimes cause one of them to be fired. Let's hope it is the posow.

This is a given in the workplace. Heck where I work, husbands and wives cannot work together. And they sure (a huge entity) would not accept an extramarital affair in the workplace I can assure you.

Ok I think I can do this. I need to do this before I lose my nerve.

Those are the only names I can find, and none of them directly work with him... I don't know how to find out the information I need.... HMMM.... I do have one friend who's husband works there, I could ask if he knows anything, but I happen to know that her husband does not know my husband and they work in the same company. That's how big this place is ...

Put on your detective hat, mehr. Think: do they have a website? Are they in the phone book with separate listings for different departments? What part of the business is he in?

Let's say he's in the shipping department. Find an HR number, call (using *67) and ask for the HR of that department. If they ask why you're calling, make up something credible. "I'm calling from Magnum Publications and would like to send HR my company's latest brochure for expediting the processing of widgets on the assembly line (or whatever your WH does.)" The object is to get the name. Keep using the similar techniques to track down his supervisor, the President, the CEO, etc. You want about three names. Don't stop at one.

Can you do this?

Okay, mehr, this is excellent. Now jump back on that post and edit that link out. I've got it and I suspect a few other posters have it, too. Don't leave it on your post. Do that now, okay? I'm going to look at it, and I'll talk to you about it after you get done editing that link out.

Another question.... when DH / FIL says WHY DID YOU DO THIS? What do I say?

Ok I took the link out, right now I am under "contact us" and finding everything has the same address, no supervisor names.... lots of different phone numbers, but not sure how to use that without tipping them off, for ex, I don't want to call and say "are you so and so's supervisor"? lol

"Because I love my husband and family and will do whatever it takes to protect my marriage. I hope you'll help me and support me."

They will want to know why I think doing this will protect the marriage... and I am not sure how to explain it.... sorry... this is a hard one for me. But I know the job has to go if we are to stay together anyway.

I think the first name I can use is the one on that link that says "Senior Vice President, Human Resources" -- can be sure they don't know who either WH or OW are though, since its so large. It'd be nice to find someone a little more intimate to the situation...

Tell them that affairs thrive on secrecy and exposing them is ruinous. Tell them this is recommended by Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. He has saved thousands of marriages using these tactics.

Do you know the name of your husband's supervisor? I would mail it to the Senior Vice President of Human Resources and a key company VP along with your H's supervisor. Send a certified letter and cc all of these people on the letter and send all of them a copy. This way, no one gives into the temptation to throw the letter away.

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

You want someone with the authority to stop the affair and/or cause trouble for the affairees at work. Being intimate to the situation is not important. Having authority is.

This is what I want to do, but I do not know the name of his supervisor.... that is what I am trying to find out....

Well, the reason you do it is that it IS a big giant company and someone there does care along the line in the big giant pool of people in charge. They care cause its their livelihood and financial dream and they don't want employees wasting their time/resources doing kissy face and making them vulnerable to financial ruin.
You do it cause you are at war. War for your family and sometimes you gotta make other people mad at you while you do the right thing and fight for your family. Call it your campaign of truth to yourself. You kids will some day know, when the dust is ultimately settled they have ONE TOUGH MOM who did some very BRAVE stuff and TRIED her best. Being brave is doing something even when you are afraid......otherwise it wouldn't be being brave.
So what if FIL gets pissed at you. He does not define you. He does not rule you. You do.
And, when you expose at work to higher ups and others you say it without hysterics or name calling. State the facts. Just the facts. The truth is the truth whether spoken or not SO why not? So people will like you? So they will protect you? Protect yourself. Like yourself.