IMO, most of those statements are borderline dangerous. Even if they aren't DJs, they sound like possibly starting a conversation that may quickly go that direction.

My thinking is that it would be better to say:

"I'd like it if you talked to me more." (Be prepared to answer the very real question: "What would you like to talk about?")
"How would you feel about going and doing such-and-such like we used to? I loved that so much, and I am sad that we haven't done it in a long time."

If you feel worried about something you think your husband might feel, it's probably best to ask him how he does feel.

I'm giving my own personal opinion here, others may have MUCH better ideas.

Yes, I have told him on a couple of occasions. But he insists that "we see each other everyday, have dinner together, text throughout the day, etc so whats the problem?"

However, we did have some sort of breakthrough this morning. I get up before him to take our son to school and when I got back I got on this website to do more reading. (I have read so much my eyes hurt..hehe) He comes in and looks at the screen and walks away without saying anything. So I go about my business and start doing things in the kitchen and when I walked back thru he was reading the basic concepts on this site!! He told me before he left for work that he wanted to talk tonight...

I love the thread title change, samiam!

Well, that sounds like a fair question to me, although it sounds like it may be a little snippy in person.

You could say "Well, the problem is I need more than that. I need to spend more time, together, and I need us to give each other our undivided attention. And during that time I need (list what you are lacking out of: affection, conversation, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment)."

Tell him what the problem is: when he's with you, his attention is divided, and what you need is his undivided attention. And you need enough of it: Dr. Willard Harley was a practicing clinical psychologist and marriage counselor for a LONG time and counseled MANY couples and actually studied what the couples who had good marriages did, and the ones with good marriages gave each other their undivided attention for a minimum of fifteen hours a week.

Woohoo, that is great!

Thank you.. I am learning!

Thank you for this. I know how I feel and what I need but have a hard time verbalizing it to him. I am getting a little nervous about the talk tonight..

So, it was a no go on the talk tonight. H fell asleep in the recliner a few minutes after DS went to bed. My H actually asked me if tonight after DS went to bed if we could have some UA time (he read the basic concepts this morning) but fell asleep while I was tucking DS in for the night. I have to say I am very disappointed. I am trying not to take it personally because I could tell he was very tired when he got home but it is hard not to feel this way. What should I do tomorrow? Say I am disappointed? or just let it go? eh....

Yes - honesty is so crucial at this point. No need to be confrontational or anything just a simple

"I was really looking forward to time with you last night, do you think we could try to schedule something for today or this weekend?"

The problem with just letting it go is that you never really let it go - it's a little bit of irritation that you tuck away, your mind secretly keeps score and track of these things you 'let go' and it just feuls your resentment.

Then next time he falls asleep instead of UA time it isn't just this one time, you remember the last time, and the time before that and before that and then you're stewing in resentment he didn't even know existed because you never told him. Then it's "You never spend time with me! You're always falling asleep"

Don't let it go - because you really can't.

Tell him.

Honestly and lovingly.

He didn't mean it personally, you don't have to take it personally. Him falling asleep doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't care about you or doesn't want to spend time with you. But you ARE disappointed and it's ok to feel disappointed when you miss out on time with your husband. So just tell him that, you were looking forward to time together, were excited about it and felt sad when it didn't happen. Don't accuse him or minimize his feeling tired - just ask him to reschedule, ask him to set aside some time for it. Try to stay as positive about it as possible.

Makes sense to be disappointed that the opportunity was missed, but don't judge him for falling asleep, and be sure to keep yourself mindful of the fact that he wanted to have UA time!!! This is tremendous!!!

For the record, Dr. Harley recommends getting 8 hours sleep per night. From my own experience you will have a lot easier time working this program if you do.

(Says Markos, who is up way too late to get 8 hours sleep tonight...)

Would he have been upset if you had woken him up?

I'm confused, my hubby and I sometimes fall asleep at odd times because we are worn out after a winter of nonstop (mild) illnesses round the family. However we just wake each other up if we know we weren't planning to sleep at that time. I really love being woken by kisses and an offer of a nice drink or cuddle.

So, hopefully, as I'm typing this you and he are having a quiet discussion over breakfast!

OK, maybe too much to wish for for you, but the overriding principle remains that he at least expressed interest in discussing MB and (though he doen't yet know it) the Principles to re-juice your relationship.

This afternoon/evening when he gets home, PLAN at least a thirty minute period (we called it "sofa-time"), when DS is otherwise occupied, and the two of you, with two glasses of wine, can start the discussion. And START SLOWLY. Mention you've ordered HNHN, volunteer to read it first, make highlights, whatever. Ask him to commit to spending some time each day reading it. Arrange for another "sofa-time". Repeat as needed.

BTW: I also think the new title is more useful as a starting-point.

Wow, does the following strike a nerve! At least you get the daily texts. I get 5 min in the moring and nothing all day. _<<because I don't understand how important his buisness is.>>. Funny, because it was not this way- nor was a problem for over 20 years>>....

My H thinks I should wait until 5:30 p.m. for a call (on his car ride home) and spend dinner (7 pm) - which I make and clean up -- with about 45 min. for "family stuff". After 10 pm.. he is too tired to talk, so he wants to make a "healthy boundary" that there is nothing after 10 pm.

He is in IC and thinks this is very "Intergrated Male" - IM or something like that. -- Men lead, women will naturally follow???

He thinks this is normal, too...
I am very interested in how this situation works out.

Good luck.

Thanks for all the replies and suggestions. I am so glad I'm not just flying blind anymore.

Let's see, waking him up is a bit iffy. Sometimes I can, sometimes I shouldn't. Last night was one of the nights I shouldn't. He was very tired and has to be up very early on Fridays. I don't even see him Friday mornings because he leaves so early but it is so he can be home by noon.

However, he did leave a note this morning that he would like to have lunch today at noon and talk then. He did apologize for falling asleep last night too. Followed by a long paragraph about how much he loves me and hopes I know that. See, when he does things like this it makes me question my "complaining". This is confusing.

[quote=NeverGuessed]This afternoon/evening when he gets home, PLAN at least a thirty minute period (we called it "sofa-time"), when DS is otherwise occupied, and the two of you, with two glasses of wine, can start the discussion. And START SLOWLY. Mention you've ordered HNHN, volunteer to read it first, make highlights, whatever. Ask him to commit to spending some time each day reading it. Arrange for another "sofa-time". Repeat as needed.
quote]

This is great! I think that's the key now that you've mentioned it.. starting slowly. Thanks!

Why are you questionning your "complaining"?

It seems to me that speaking up about things (kindly) is getting you good results so far? Ok he fell asleep but you got an affectionate note and an apology for that bit.

Tell him how much you appreciated the note, radical honesty works both ways, we need to be very honest about everything our spouse does that makes us happy as well as what they do that doesn't.

Yeah you are right, I do think we are making great progress. I will be sure to let him know how much I appreciated the note over lunch. I'm excited! We haven't done lunch in a while.

It sounds like maybe you are thinking of complaining as punishment, rather than simply as respectful honest feedback and requests?

Maybe.. It's confusing because I want to communicate my needs and feelings without becoming "the nagging wife" if that makes any sense.

Lunch was absolutely amazing. We talked.. a LOT. He wants to jump head first into this MB thing. He said he read some more on the site at work today and is looking forward to implementing the program in our lives. He actually took the initiative to set up a sitter tonight (my mom) for DS and said he has something special planned. Won't tell me what just that it's a surprise! I am so giddy right now I can hardly type!

Thank you guys for helping me.. I will keep you posted!