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Um... I'm really surprised no one has brought up the elephant in the room - your husband's sexual orientation. This is not just a normal affair - he may truly be attracted to men and felt forced to hide it during your marriage.
I'm sorry for the pain you're going through - you certainly don't deserve it, and needless to say he should have been more honest with you and himself before marriage about hiss desires and feelings.
I'm not saying that he is 100% homosexual - perhaps somewhere on the sliding spectrum from homosexual to heterosexual, but, it's time for him to be honest. How long has he been attracted to men? Did he repress it out of shame? Is he truly attracted to women or not?
His answers to those questions will determine whether or not the marriage can be saved. If he's coming out of the closet and is gay, then you're fighting a losing battle.
Being homosexual is not a choice; it's genetic. Why has no one brought this up until me? Homosexual attraction may or may not be genetic...but homosexual ACTS are definitely a choice. He can abstain from homosexual acts/breaking marriage vows in the same way any wayward can stop an affair. I probably would not stay married to a man who was attracted to other men and who had been unfaithful with other men. But that is me. This poster has to make her own decision.
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Being homosexual is not a choice; it's genetic. Why has no one brought this up until me? According to Dr. Harley, any of us can be sexually attracted to someone of the same gender, under the right conditions. Or to an animal. Or to an inanimate object. It's cool if you want to disagree and discuss, just take it to another thread so this poster can be helped with Dr. Harley's perspective, which is what the site exists to help people with. Amazingly enough I was listening to Dr. Harley talk about exactly this on an old radio broadcast from 2006 today in my car just before I arrived at work and read this post.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Being homosexual is not a choice; it's genetic. Why has no one brought this up until me? Whatever your belief on this, it's encompassed in the statement MelodyLane made: "Don't worry, it applies to all affairs. It applies to your situation. You would use the same tactics to save your marriage." If the husband and wife can follow the program, then the marriage can recover. If he doesn't do his part, the marriage cannot recover. We could debate the causes of that, but whatever the reason, it doesn't change the facts that this is what it takes to grow a great marriage, and if these principles are followed the marriage can recover.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I think this is about saving a marriage, not the OP in the affair, the same in any situation..........
All the facts are the same, all the emotions are the same.........dealing with the plan is the same............
Shock, disappointment, denial, disbelief, it's all the same.......forgiveness, rebuilding, recovery..............going through the stages...........
Read, Educate yourself and take the time to put together a great plan.............
this is a great place to land for help......use the experience and advice you will get here................
talk to you soon...
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Many homosexuals have changed their sexual orientations throughout their lifetimes. My best friend (who turned Pastor) eventually became married and is completely straight... but that is besides the point... The point is we need to get help for this family so their marriage will grow and be enriched.
Eric
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Um... I'm really surprised no one has brought up the elephant in the room - your husband's sexual orientation. Because its not relevant to the issue and apparently everyone else realizes that. Homosexuality is not genetic. Dr Harley treats homosexual affairs just the same as hetero affairs. We need to focus on helping her save her marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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OP
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Thanks all! It's a roller coaster right now. I tried to talk to him tonight but he is not feeling well this week so it didnt work out. But he will have to talk to me soon if he wants it to work. I'm not a doormat. Tonight he just kept repeating "I love you" and "please don't leave me". I told him I'm not going anywhere. Tomorrows another day! I plan to read some more of Surviving an Affair.
Me 35 yrs old
Husband 36 yrs old
Married 10 1/2 years
Discovered affair 3/6/11
Marriage rocky but still together!!!!
Determined to survive!!!!
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By the way, what is a keylogger? Can it be used on cellphones?
Me 35 yrs old
Husband 36 yrs old
Married 10 1/2 years
Discovered affair 3/6/11
Marriage rocky but still together!!!!
Determined to survive!!!!
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**edit**
Last edited by Fireproof; 03/31/11 11:39 PM. Reason: TOS disruptive
Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.
Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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Arpeggi, I guess you're missing that if you want to talk about different viewpoints on the matter, you should do it on another thread, not this one. The Marriage Builders forum policy on this is very clear, but a lot of people seem to misunderstand or misconstrue it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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This forum is for the purpose of helping people use Marriage Builders. If you can help this poster with Marriage Builders, please do. If not, then refrain from posting. Let's drop the politics and get back to marriage building!
Thank you, Fireproof
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All right, thanks Markos, I definitely get it now. Thanks for bringing me to the light. Good luck, OP - I'm out.
Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.
Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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Key loggers are for your comp so unless it's linked to your phone it's not possible, there are other things you can download on his phone and have messages sent to a different email address, there is a ling about snooping and investigational options.
GPS in his car, Voice Activated Recorders in his car.........check the link out see what might work in your case.......
keep your eyes and ears open right now...........
and remember he is in affair fog right now, don't believe what he says until you know for sure what he says is true.....
Let his actions speak for him...........
good luck
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Please tell me you and your H are going for STD testing immediately! You know that now you cannot give blood, donate organs etc? This is serious, if you have had SF with your H since his sexual encounters with this OM you have now been exposed to this OM's other sexual partner's. HIV etc. are too scary not to get tested immediately for.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Ok, I see you mentioned you sent your H to the doctor. You need to be checked as well and will need to be repeated after 6 months.
Faith
me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Yes! The dr was seen. H is being treated for ED and Epididymitis right now anyway so our sex life is non-existent. Has been for over a year!!! He says he wants it to work out but I don't know if I can believe him or not. Last night he said he felt like I had him in a box and he couldn't even go down the road for 5 minutes by himself without me thinking the worst. I told him he put himself in the box by being unfaithful. I NEVER distrusted him before. Last night after he went to bed I laid awake until 5 am wondering what my next step should be. I'm reading the book but I don't know what I want. I feel like I'm living with a stranger and even though I'm trying really hard to stay in forgiveness mode he refuses to talk about it. Says he's not comfortable talking to me about it. He is seeing a therapist but they are talking about his childhood and things that don't pertain to our problem.
Me 35 yrs old
Husband 36 yrs old
Married 10 1/2 years
Discovered affair 3/6/11
Marriage rocky but still together!!!!
Determined to survive!!!!
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Regarding STDs..... Oh definately! I already took care of that and made him see our doctor. Sorry, ONE round of testing will not be sufficient. Every three months for a few times. Do you Know exactly what tests were run? You should go in anyway and be tested as well.
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Sorry, ONE round of testing will not be sufficient.
Every three months for a few times.
Do you Know exactly what tests were run?
You should go in anyway and be tested as well. Have you and your WH explained to your doctors that he has engaged in sexual activity with other men? This puts you in a high-risk category, HM. Your doctors need to know this in order to perform the tests needed to confirm you're clean.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I feel like I'm living with a stranger and even though I'm trying really hard to stay in forgiveness mode he refuses to talk about it. Says he's not comfortable talking to me about it. He is seeing a therapist but they are talking about his childhood and things that don't pertain to our problem. HM, if you can swing it, I would counsel with the Harley's. They can help you by giving you a plan to save your marriage. Talking about his childhood is cute and everything, but it does absolutely nothing to address the real problems. Its about like discussing the paint color on the sinking Titanic. You need a PLAN to save your marriage if you want to turn this around.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I hadn't been on here in so long it took me awhile to find the original post. So sorry! I did read SAA. But I can't do it by myself. And we don't have the money to buy the program or have couples counseling with anyone on here. And no, I don't know the details of the affair, anything about the OM, or anything. I agree that that's what is making me feel this way. I feel shut out of his life. I'm afraid to discuss it with him. To be honest it's not even discussed and hasn't been for months! He just says it's behind us!
Me 35 yrs old
Husband 36 yrs old
Married 10 1/2 years
Discovered affair 3/6/11
Marriage rocky but still together!!!!
Determined to survive!!!!
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