Do I just keep meeting her needs and hope she develops the desire?

1) NC letter
2) EPs, in WRITTEN form to your satisfaction
3) FB account closed...

One question: Was your WW's phone # ever changed or did she switch phones with you?

I have question. Since we changed my wife's phone number today, I will have to let my parents know the new number. They'll obviously ask why. They don't know about the affair, do I even tell them, or just say we had to get it changed?

We are following HoldHerHand's suggestion about operating FB under EPs and POJA.

Thanks for the follow up Great job!

A couple more Qs...

So your W isn't willing to give up FB? I am going to stress again that this is a VERY bad idea for her and now I am moving on...

This hasn't been exposed to your parents?? Who has this A been exposed to?

Just FTR...even if you two have made up your minds about this, then this would be for any lurkers...

EPs are not POJA'd! Oftentimes WS have to do things they aren't enthusiastic in their EPs... But it's part of just compensation and affair-proofing the marriage.

Next, if she reconnected with the OM on FB, then the EP would be to eliminate that condition...at least until she has proven herself to have firm boundaries...which HASN'T happened yet. Changing privacy settings isn't an EP.

Is the OM mutual friends with any of your WW's FB friends?

It seems like exposure now that the A is dead and has been for a month would come across as being spiteful. Neither of our families were aware or enablers of the A.

What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover�s spouse should be informed. Granted, it�s embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.

In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.

Yes, I am satisfied there is full transparency. I have access to everything and regularly check it and ask questions. She has not taken down her Facebook account. I did not ask her to. OM and family have been removed and blocked and I do login and check it often. I believe I have gotten the full truth from her. The vast amounts of information I uncovered informed me of the full scope of what happened and the relevant details, and there has been no deception from her any step of the way.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

While most affairs die a natural death in less than two years, there are some that take much longer to die. That's one of the primary reasons that my first rule in surviving an affair is to never see or talk to the lover again -- even if the affair seems to have died a natural death. An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation.

Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.

So whether an affair is a one night stand, or has been going on for years, the basic rule for ending them are the same -- extraordinary precautions to guarantee permanent separation. But I will admit that the precautions used for long-term affairs are usually more extraordinary than those used for short-term affairs. I've helped many spouses overcome affairs that have lasted over ten years, but none of them have been easy.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Have you talked to your W about this? What does she say?