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> Hello,
> I am new to this website and have enjoyed reading the basic concepts and FAQ and
> posts. However I'm not sure if this is where I post my question, here it is.
>
> My husband and I are trying to restore our marriage after he cheated on me One
> year ago exactly. It was for a span of 6 months and he was very intimate with
> this woman who I called a friend. We were not very close friends but
> occasionally did things together. Anyway, my husband told me of this last march
> 2010 and that he had stopped this affair and wanted to get things straight with
> me and the Lord. I quickly was hestitant but agreed to work on it. We have 3
> young kids and a small portion of my decision was because of them. However, my
> husband does not like me saying that. My real problem is that I was heading down
> the right path and we were in counseling and 6 months into counseling we were
> making lots of positive at rides to rebuild the marriage. My husband swears
> that his decision to cheat had nothing to do with me, what I was doing or not
> doing for him. I don't believe him. I'm not a very affectionate person and I
> don't share my feelings much, but I've been like that since a young child. I
> never changed negative or positive.
> Well after 6 months I took my first trip away from my husband with the kids to
> visit my family out of state for 1 week. This was the first time away from him
> since the affair. I came back numb, not really caring to work on the marriage
> anymore, for no reason. I became bitter at him again and extremely upset by the
> hurt again. I've been on antidepressants and my they seemed to not be taking my
> anxiety away. I've had anxiety issues my entire life as well. I feel as though I
> don't love my husband the way he needs to be loved and deserves. I say this
> because he has shown me I am the only one for him and he has told me every
> detail of the affair and answered all my questions and says he's completely
> honest with me now.
> Now, I know about the love bank deposit and such and he does deposit a lot! But
> since I'm still complacent and numb towards him I'm wondering if I'll ever be
> able to forgive him. I'm struggling with the fact that I really don't want to
> work on the marriage and he does and he gets angry when I don't communicate with
> him about how I'm feeling. But the fact is most times I don't care. I just go on
> with life. He says I need to make an effort. But how can I when most times I
> don't care. He can say he loves me every minute but that doesn't matter to me.
> I've always said to myself and him, if you ever cheat on me, that's it. I grew
> up with a strict father who taught me once a cheater always a cheater and not to
> trust anyone till they have gained it. If you lost trust in someone, don't trust
> them again. Is my childhood lessons coming back full swing? Is this normal? Deep
> down do I really love my husband? Since he is making every stride to love me
> more everyday, do I deserve him? I throw the affair in his face when I feel hurt
> and that is my defenses coming up and I seem to not be able to control them.
> Help I need direction. I just don't know what I want or how to "make an effort"
> when I feel so depressed and complacent. Should I give myself more time to heal
> and how do I get my husband to understand that it will take me more time to
> heal. Also i dont want him to get tired of waiting around and pursuing me when I
> can't give back to him. It's not fair to either of us. I do still love him. But
> it's a surface love and not a deep love. I have issues about picturing the
> affair and it really hurts me!
> Please help!
> Thanks so much....
>
>christinend
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 121
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"I say this > because he has shown me I am the only one for him " Having an affair does not demonstrate the above. You need to be sure he is not still having the affair. Just because he says so is not proof. Read up on this link http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html
Last edited by pdc; 04/01/11 10:40 AM.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Christened, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place. His affair was about the worst thing that could have happened to you. You won't be able to get over it overnight. With time the pain will fade, but it takes about 2 years for the pain to fade. Most marriages don't ever recover from infidelity. They limp along in a crippled state of the pre-affair marriage and are much worse afterwards. It doesn't have to be that way if you follow this program. Recovery involves affair proofing your marriage and using these concepts to restore the romantic love in your marriage. Has your husband ended ALL contact with the OW? Do you live anywhere close to her? I throw the affair in his face when I feel hurt
> and that is my defenses coming up and I seem to not be able to control them. As long as he has answered all your questions truthfully, I would stop bringing this up. Every time you bring it up, you trigger your own bad feelings and make it harder for your marriage to recover. Train your brain to shift your thoughts elsewhere when it pops up. Here are some good articles that can help: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?
And Dr Harley's Requirements for Recovery: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2011
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Thank u so much for the advise. Yes as far as I know he has stopped all communication with the ow. Recently we moved out of state but my h goes back and forth until he can get with us permanently. He says he is totally transparent and quite frankly my main question is how can I work on the marriage when I don't care much? Sometimes I don't know if I want to stay married because what if I don't forgive and forget? I don't want to live my life always wondering what if this what if that? I know I must decide what I need and want but how do I know I'm making the right decision? I do have thoughts at times I just want to vet back at him and cheat on him. He knows I have these thoughts occasionally? I just don't know!
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Joined: Apr 2011
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What does Bs and WS mean? I'm new to the abbreviations... Lol
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Joined: Mar 2010
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BS = Betrayed Spouse
WS = Wayward Spouse
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Recently we moved out of state but my h goes back and forth until he can get with us permanently. He says he is totally transparent This is very worrisome. Spending the nights apart is an invitation to an affair. Not only that, but if he is traveling back to the place where the OW is, then how do you know he isn't seeing her? The fact that he tells you something is utterly meaningless. He needs to arrange his life in a way so he CAN'T CHEAT. For example, if he is home with you every night then he can't be with the OW. I don't want to live my life always wondering what if this what if that? You will always wonder until and unless he changes up his lifestyle so he can't cheat. That hasn't happened if he is traveling overnight.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well he stays with his best friend who knows about the affair and he was very against it, for one because his wife cheated on him. Also I speak with those who are around my h and verify what he is telling me. I trust those people to b honest with me. I just don't want to look back 10 yrs from now and think I could have been happier by myself instead of trying to recover a marriage that I'm unsure will heal or not....
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I trust those people to b honest with me You need to verify, Christine. Have you done any snooping to verify that what you're being told is true?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Well he stays with his best friend who knows about the affair and he was very against it, for one because his wife cheated on him. Also I speak with those who are around my h and verify what he is telling me. I trust those people to b honest with me. Ok, but what if he is not honest with them? He can easily cover up an affair. It is not hard. It is much harder to carry on an affair, though, when he is home every night. Secondly, if you want to recover your marriage it will take living together on a daily basis. In order to create romantic love, you need to meet each others emotional needs on a DAILY BASIS for 20+ hours of undivided attention. That can't be done if you are not together. I just don't want to look back 10 yrs from now and think I could have been happier by myself instead of trying to recover a marriage that I'm unsure will heal or not.... Your marriage WILL heal if you take the steps we outlined above. But that is unlikely if your husband continues to travel.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Aug 2006
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Anger and a feeling of "numbness" are fairly normal at about this time in recovery. A few things that should help:
~ he needs to stop traveling. This really isn't negotiable. My H continued to travel for about a year after we got into R. I was feeling exactly like you, because the conditions of the A had not been completely eliminated.
My anger and numbness were self-defense mechanisms against the hurt and anxiety I was feeling over his continued traveling. Things got much better when he stopped traveling.
Also ~ if you use the MB priniples (click on Basic Concepts at the top of the page), a lot of your anger, resentment and numb feeling will go away much quicker. This is really your best bet to healing your M.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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