Thanks Gamma.
I have no intention of ever having guilt feelings over any of this. I guess at this point I feel like an opportunity will present itself. Perhaps it will be in conjunction with a school assignment, maybe something else. But it will come. And then the whole story will probably be revealed. I will give wxw the opportunity to answer the question that her daugther raises (after all, I wasn't there during conception). I will also inform wxw that I refuse to lie to my daugter or cover up for any of her poor choices, past or present.

opt

Opt, I was born out of wedlock in 1965. My mom then married a 'boy' from back home and had my brother. I grew up thinking of this man as my dad. I still do actually even though he SUCKS as a father. From the time I was very very young I was aware that I had a different biological father. My brother knew it too eventually. (he was 4 1/2 years younger).

My difficulties with the father image wasn't that I was being raised by a man with different genes. It was that he wasn't a good father. So I can see clearly that YOUR situation is different in that regard. However, the one thing I believe my mom did RIGHT was to be truthful with me. It was matter of fact. And by the time I was aware that she had me out of wedlock she had become religious and so it must not have been easy to out her imperfections in that way to me. But Truth. She has since told me that even before she 'found God' she vowed that she would never lie to her kids. I am 45 and I have NEVER found my mom to have lied to me.

So yes I believe your dd has the right to know these things. I get really really conflicted when we start discussing time frames. I can't think of a single 'good time' to tell her! That leads me to think that sooner is better But now that you have recently divorced her mother, THIS might not be the best time.....so keep doing what you are doing and loving her like you do....and eventually you will know. Don't actively lie to her though.

(((Opt)))

Optimism,

Perhaps what SW said suggests a good approach for telling, if OC needs two years to recover from the divorce, then the divorce date + 2 years might work.

God Bless
Gamma

Unfortunately, I have an update.

Last Saturday I signed for and picked up a registered letter from the post office. If I had recognized the name, I may have not done so. It was from original OM - biological father of OC10.

I have not opened it. I wanted to check the legal documents that were drafted and signed by OM 10 years ago to see what the provisions were. I checked today -- they basically relinquish all parental rights and responsibilities to me and the mother (my now-ex). The agreement can not be revoked. The first statement acknowledges that OM "alleges" he is the biological father -- there were never DNA or blood tests done.

There was a note in the document sent back to me stating "I know Olivia is happy and seeing her right now might be confusing, but I would greatly appreciate periodic updates and/or pictures."

I have never contacted OM with anything in 10 years.

I have not opened the letter.

I am considering:
1. sending it back, registered. with or without a note to the effect of "you've done enough damage to this family, please leave us alone"
2. opening it and seeing what he wants.
3. keeping it and not responding.

Are there any other options??? (legal or otherwise)


To add to the discomfort of it, the return address is from 2 towns away. The creep lives within 10 miles.


I can only imagine the content of the letter. And it is causing me great stress. I was hoping to get some perspective and direction from folks who know the pain and confusion of having similar situations.

thanks for any assistance.

opt

Because it was a registered letter, I think you need to know what's in it.
What you do after depends ....

Opt, from a legal standpoint, if it was a registered letter and contains legal documents, you have effectively been served. Open it or have a third-party (attorney?) open it and read it. Since it's been seven days from the date of service, you may be running out of time to answer, if it's legal. What you don't want to happen is for him to get a default judgment based on your non-response.

Unfortunately, your "agreement", absent a ruling from the court terminating his rights, can be overturned or modified. All he would have to do to get the ball rolling is to file a motion requesting such. This doesn't mean he would win, but you would still have to deal with it. If however, the Court has terminated his rights, then he has no standing.

From an emotional standpoint, have someone you trust open it and read it. If it's not legal, keep it for your file if necessary. I can't imagine what he would want after 10 years.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this now.

Ugh. They never go away do they??? I agree with the rest. Plus, selfishly, I'm intrigued and hope u will share the contents with us. Cant imagine what he wants.

Thanks princessmeggy. Really important to consider the possible legal repercussions!

Opt, I'd HAVE to open it. Not knowing would drive me crazy! After you know what it's about you can develop a plan of action,,but,,not knowing?? I couldn't do that...

Yep, Meggy is right - you've accepted the contents of the package by signing for it.

Get in there and find out what the deal is so you can go forward with complete knowledge.

After you read the contents show them to your lawyer before you do anything. Try to maintain NC with OM let the lawyer handle this.

Okay folks, thanks very much. You have me on the right track. I trust your objective (and experienced) perspectives.

Just to add. The original (10 years ago) document was drawn up by my lawyer, signed by OM and notarized. This letter doesn't appear to be from a lawyer.

I have a lot of things going on right now. I'll open it later...

opt

Maybe OM died and left OC an inheritance.

**edit**

However, being that your lawyer acted as OM's lawyer whatever agreement was reached back then will not be considered valid because conflict of interest. Today a judge will say your lawyer acted to put your interests first. Denying OM adequate representation.

I also think OM knows about you getting divorced.

OM see's chance to get back into OC life because OC lives in home with only person that has DNA connection no longer living there (WW is divorced and gone).

Being OM is bio dad (? because no test was never done) this DNA connection will be his angle of attack to get back into OC's life.

Got this from my magic 8 ball.

TR, maybe I'm mistaken, but it sounds like his attorney didn't represent OM, he drew up a document as opt's counsel and had OM sign it.

I went back and re read this paragraph.

To me it went down like this. If BH and OM meet with BH's lawyer to talk about and have OM sign sign away his parental rights with BH's lawyer, paid by BH, answering (advising) OM's questions he was not given impartial advice.

Many agreements that have gone down this way have been overturned years later in court for this reason.



Yes this BH was wrong to let OM know he knocked up his WW.

And how can any man be asked to give up his paternal rights to a child without it being established that he is indeed the bio dad?

Oh what is in that registered mail?

I really can't thank you all enough for the support and kindness in all this. Your concern and consideration is so meaningful in a sea of confusion. You can't talk to "just anyone" about this stuff as it is so unique and almost unfathomable.

Quick update: the letter was inconsequential. I will traspose the text when I have a minute. Nothing legal, basically: "here's my info in case you want to contact me" and "I will not attempt to contact D10 without talking to you first."

Long update:
to answer a couple questions (in case it's relavent to others reading); my lawyer did not consult with OM. He drew up the paper, sent it to OM and he signed it with witnesses and notary present. I can send the text of that too if anyone is interested. A salient point was that "(OM) has had full opportunity to seek legal counsel in this matter prior to signing" (paraphrased).

Another point in all this is that indeed I should NEVER have disclosed the biology aspect to OM. Confrontation was beneficial in some ways, but not so much in others. My wife-at-the time and I were not having sex, so there was no doubt in my mind as to the facts (although in retrospect I suppose there could have been another OM involved). I consider it one of the 5 biggest mistakes of my life that I made that statement in the heat of the confrontation.

Thanks everyone again for the encouragement and certainly for your concern. Knowing there are folks in my corner, understanding the situation is helpful. Thanks for the chuckle as well, Road. I needed that.

I'll be back with what he said. I was quite relieved to say the least. It seems like he's taking the high road; although in these matters it's tough to rest easy-- Adultery: the gift that keeps on giving.

opt


*stangely: I have been working for another department for 2 weeks. The new territory is near where OM lived when I confronted him. Daily, I'm doing the same ride I did on that fateful day. I'll be glad to transition back home next week; it's all just too uncanny.

thanks for update

so here is the letter. and I have some questions (thanks for any continued guidance):
"Dear Opt,
as far as I know, D10 believes you are her biological father and I would not want to do anything to harm or disrupt that. if you thought your daughter needed to meet me, I would be open to considering it. I would need to hear that directly from you first. So when, if ever, you want to contact me, here is my information:..."
------------------------------------------
So, I could respond to this in a couple of ways, or not at all.
I truly would like to hear any insight.

I feel that except for balling another man's wife and the mother of a 5 year old for a few months 10 years ago, maybe he has a few moral fibers.

opt

Is it possible your Ex reached out to him and he is being good by checking with you first? Not sure if I would respond or not.