Well after being away for a couple of days, I have decided to give my wife the space she asked for. It really was a difficult decision to come to. I wish she could understand my need to talk about things. But at the same time its just as important for me to give her the space she is asking for.

As for our situation we have been married 18 yrs 10 months with 2 daughters ages 16 & 18. this is my second marriage and her first.
There have been 2 EA & 1 PA on my part.
The 1st EA happened around 1999
The PA happened around 2001 during a separation
The latest EA happened this year and all contact has stopped. I have accepted full responsibility for this and hold no blame towards my wife. These were choices I made! The EA were harmless flirtations, but what I didn't realize was the hurt they caused.
The first one lasted about a month and I ended it because of guilt. The hardest part was telling the wife about it. We got over it and through it.
The PA happened during a time we where separated. Again I made a decision based upon selfish needs not thinking what this would do to her. Again she forgave and things were great. Bought a house, oldest daughter moved in with us and life was great!! Things began to unravel around 2008-09: You can read prior posts for details.
The latest EA happened when after I asked the wife for a divorce, I meet someone online a we struck up a friendship. I visited OW around 3 times. It was during the last visit I realized the mistake I was making by divorcing my wife. I ended it right then and there and have had no contact since.

One of the things I have bought to my wifes attention was because of a severe bought of depression, I felt my life was useless. I was over burdened with bills, problems at work and it hurt me when I couldn't afford to buy my kids the simplest of things they asked for or even take wife out for a cup of coffee. I think the biggest mistake was trying to use my wife as a lifeline? I would demand attention from here and when it wasn't meet, I began to think divorce was the only option. There were times I wanted to end our marriage, and when I made up my mind to do it I felt relieved. Well I had a change of heart because I believe my marriage can and will be saved.

Its difficult on me being away from my family. We have separated numerous times in the past and really never solved any thing. I believed we both just gave in to each other to make things work and in the long run it wasn't the right thing to do.

I am at rock bottom in my life! There is nowhere to go but up for me. I want my wife back and we both have agreed it will be painful. Whats hard for me is not knowing what she feels. The one positive is she has started wearing her ring again. That meant a lot to me, but at the same time it doesn't mean were getting back together.

One of the biggest thing I have realized is I must change my mind set. Because of the culture I was bought up in I didn't have a good example of marriages to follow. I had to let go of some of the thought and ideas in my head along the way. After reading some of the articles on here, I realized I have a long ways to go.

Thanks for reading!!!

Goodness gracious...


Obviously not, because:


Wrong again, because then...


If you had recovered from the any of the affairs, the subsequent ones wouldn't have happened.


You are right if you separated and then got back together but didn't make HUGE changes in your M.


You need to do more than just read them...you need to USE them in your M. Can you bring your W here and ask her to read the articles and start using the MB concepts in your M?

Agreed, but at least you recognize this.

There is something very puzzling about all this.

You don't want the divorce, you have come clean to your wife, you are getting on better as a couple and she is wearing her ring again, yet "I have decided to give my wife the space she is asking for"?

Why is she asking for space, if she wants to work things out with you?

When did she begin asking for "space"? After you confessed earlier this week, or before?

Why are you agreeing to her taking "space", after all you have been advised here about rebuilding?

Who really wants this "space": your wife or you?

I have asked my wife numerous times. She is a private person when it comes to our marital problems. I beleive in time she will.

Let me clarify; Last week she told me I was pressuring her for an answer about rebuilding our marriage. I felt I wasn't. I wasn't until after I went to see a Behavioral Specialist, that it was explained that even thought I didn't come out and directly say it, words I was using in our conversation may have left her felling pressured.

So has this "expert" has been pressuring YOU to "give her space"? And has he been telling her to follow her own desires, and that her feelings come first?

Do you realise that individual counselling usually has an agenda of teling the person paying for the services to "follow your heart"? "Stop being co-dependent"? "You've put everybody else first, now it's You Time?"

What kind of "behavioural specialist" was this? Not one with experience of building successful marriages, I'll guess.

Well after spending most of Saturday reading articles on MB, I have come to the conclusion that me and the wife had become emotionally withdrawn from are marriage. When I came upon that it helped me understand why things happened.

I am entirely sorry for the EA/PA that I have had. I even tried to rational that even though I never cared for these woman it was ok. Well guess what I was wrong. I have tried to go back to see what events triggered me to react the way I did. It was my reactions to situations my wife did and wife had started becoming emotionally withdrawn. I feel she has been that way for years. I could never understand why she felt/did the things she did. With me throwing divorce out every time a problem arisen, it just made matters worse. I now know why. This has been going on for awhile, I am beginning to feel that she has withdrew completely since I asked for the divorce in Jan. She has a lot to think about and I now understand why she wont share her feelings with me. In time I hope she will.
I just want this whole mess to go away so we can put our marriage back together!

I have sent her a copy Basic Concepts. I believe that when she ready she will read it.

In the mean time i am going to continue to work on me. I have came up with a Plan A that I would like to implement between us.

We Can and Will Get Back Together!!
Thanks for reading and prayers!!

This is incorrect. If you go around blaming everyone and their mother for YOUR immoral actions, you will never become a person strong enough to uphold your M vows, as the past has already shown.

You had these affairs because YOUR boundaries were weak. Please read up on boundaries, it's crucial that you understand what this means.

It is not an excuse to act immorally because your W is not meeting your needs. YOU choose your reactions, what your W does or does not do shouldn't matter one bit. You CHOSE to react to her withdrawal from you in an immoral manner.

For example, if someone cuts you off in traffic, does this make it ok to shoot them? Of course not. It is still YOUR responsibility to control yourself and your reactions to them. It would be an unacceptable defense to say "but he made me shoot him, he cut me off! It's HIS fault I shot him, if he hadn't cut me off, I wouldn't have shot!".

See the difference?

Great post!

Speaking of boundaries, it's not hard to spot where you are having trouble...



Flirtations are not harmless. Opposite sex friendships make you vulnerable to an affair, regardless of whether your ENs are being met or not.

LINK

Three affairs indicates an extreme weakness in this area for you. You need to completely change the way that you interact with women in person and online.

No I do not see the difference. What I said "it was my reactions (temper) to situations my wife did". I am in no way blaming her for my reactions, you took it that way. From my reactions it started a continued cycle of going back and forth. Most of it was because we were not in agreement when issues arisen. It became easier for me to just call it quits and not deal with issues. The only difference between me and wife is I suppressed my fillings. My reactions made huge withdrawals from her LB. It got to the point that no matter what I said or did she just shut off emotionally. I understand that. I have admitted and accepted my responsibly for my actions. I have also stated clearly that I do not blame my wife for my EA/PA. Those where choices I made. She did not make me do it. I chosed to.

I now understand why my wife became closed off to me. She never got over my outburst. When we would seperate things would be great for a period of time. And then the back and forth on my part would begin.

Hoefully this clears up any misunderstandings!

It is pretty clear that what you are saying here is that your affair was a "reaction" to the marital problems.

If that is not what you mean, then please clarify: Why did you have three affairs?

This is called double speak. In the first quote you blame your "reactions" (i.e., affairs) on "what my wife did". And then in the second quote you claim she did not make you do it.

I will say it again ~ IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR WIFE DID OR DID NOT DO, YOUR AFFAIRS WERE 150% YOUR CHOICE.

You had choices to make when reacting to your W and you made wrong, immoral ones. Period.

You don't get this, it's very clear.

Susie: You are absolutely right. My EA's happened when I felt my EN were not being met. I understand why my W didn't respond to them. She had began to withdraw emotionally from our marriage and when I asked for the divorce she was expecting me to ask for it. She had always said she never wanted a divorce, but at the same time we began to withdraw from marriage.

Yes your right I do have a problem with the opposite sex. I turned to other woman when my EN were not met. Sadly the first one was with a OW who worked at a espresso stand. All she was doing was her job and I took a smile as something else. We never dated, spoke on the phone or had any outside ventures. She was the one who told me I was infatuated. Can you imagine the embarrassment I felt when she did. The guilt was overbearing.
Even while separated from wife I have a tremendous need to talk about our issues but she isn't ready to talk about them. So I have decided to work on me to find out why I am the way I am. I have discovered somethings that I do not like and I am determined to fix them!
I pray that in time when the wife is ready to share her feelings we will put our marriage back together.

You keep saying you understand, and then you demonstate that you don't.

You say, again, that you turned to other women when your ENs were not being met. The correct answer to that, and the only answer that results in a repaired marriage is "I turned to other women because I have terrible boundaries".

Until you grasp that, your wife is right to ask for space. Because no matter how much you protest, you aren't getting it. You aren't helping her, and you aren't helping your marriage.

You ahve been advised by amazing people on this thread. It would serve you well to listen. Because the road you are stubbornly turning onto is a dead end.

I think the tail is wagging the dog, here. Mr. Swole, affairs happen when needs are being met by someone other than your spouse. I suspect your needs weren't being met and you separated in order to pursue other women. Being "separated" gave you permission to have your needs met by other women.

But you were still married.

My next thought:
Why would you do so when 'space' clearly has not worked for you and your wife? As you said:


The reason you never solved anything is because separating does not solve anything. As you have seen. Actually, it makes things worse.

I'm glad to hear that you are reading the articles here, because they contain the tools you and your wife need to repair your marriage. Please make sure you are covering all of the articles that on in that yellow box on the right of your screen. I would suggest you print them out and sit down with your wife to read them.

You may also want to consider checking out the bookstore on this site. There are books there that will be valuable to you.

Hey Mr. Swole:

It looks to me like you are trying to merge two separate issues, and I think that this idea is a least in the right ballpark:

1) I think you have the urge to have your ego built by other women. This is based on some type of low self esteem deep inside that you need to work on. My first serious boyfriend acted just the same way until I finally gave up on him. THen he went into therapy, but it was too late for us. Funny thing: He was a Youth and Music Minister. (You'd better not be him LOL!)

2) You cheated on your wife three times that we know about. You did it because of the urge above. That urge is not an excuse, it is only a reason. That reason does not matter; it is insignificant. You took a vow in front of God and witnesses when you got married. You let your "reason" pull you astray. Let me emphasize: Your issues did not pull you astray. You allowed them to pull you astray. You want to talk about that here so that you can say, "Look. I was bad. I was very bad. But at least I had this reason so I was not very very bad with two "veries"; only just very bad with "one very."

Follow the Marriage Builders Way to work on item #2, and when item #1 gives you the urge to do inappropriate action OR to use it as a defense here, just say No. People here can help you work to try to fix this but you are blocking them by talking about the issues you used to make your choices. They are not here to help you with those issues; they are only here to help you with doing Marriage Building regardless of those issues. Choose to Honor Your Vows and Your Wife instead of Honoring Your Issues.

There are plenty of folks who aren't getting their ENs met in M that DO NOT have affairs. There have been thousands of BSs on this board who are in Plan A or B whose spouses are having an affair and they aren't getting their ENs met but they DO NOT have affairs.

So what is the difference between these people and you?

Every word, SusieQ. Right on.