abc098 - I'm sorry, I have no real advice for you. Unfortunately there are many stories like yours, just look at TimBurned and mine as examples. Neither one of our WWs have made any attempt to reconcile. TimB has filed for D and I'm hashing out a separation agreement with mine. IMVHO, My WW is headed down a pretty dark path, we'll see if she ever sees the light. She has a lot of pride and stubborness in her. I cannot control her, just like you can't control yours. At a certain point IMHO it isn't worth trying anymore either. Keep that in mind - you can't control your WW's actions. If nothing else, take control of the situation as much as you can, that way you get the best possible outcome for you.

abc098,

You are trying to make sense of something that you cannot.......your wife is deep into affair fog, I think at this point all you can do is take care of yourself legally and financially and just let the affair die a natural death, most of them die out with 2 years..........Did you send your wife a Plan B letter, stating that you would be willing to work through your issues if and when she is ready to give up the OM and commit to your marriage...........
Right now you have to build a life for yourself, do things you like, meet new friends, join some new activity........volunteer..........just keep yourself busy........
Hopefully in time your wife will come to her senses and beg you to take her back..........
one foot in front of the other for now..
jessi

You will be over this much sooner than you imagine because you have no children with this woman. Children with her would be a disaster and you would find yourself fighting for custody, going back and forth, etc.

My advice: Save your money. Don�t waste your money on alienation of affection or on discovery, deposition, etc.

Divorce her quickly and cutoff all contact for life.

You will heal better this way.

You will carry a heavy heart for a long time, but you will eventually hurt less over time and will actually go from wanting her back, to hating her, to feeling nothing for her, to complete indifference, to even forgetting she exists.

I can�t tell you how much I envy the fact that you have no kids with this woman and never have to see her or interact with her ever again.

ABC, trust me when I tell you that women in their 30�s are awesome and will make much better companions for you (if you choose wisely) once you�re done healing.

My advice to you is to use this time to find old hobbies again, take up boxing or karate to get your energy out, DO NOT DATE.

You�ll mess up potentially good relationships if you try to date right now. So take a break, focus on you and your hobbies, get in fantastic (think 300) shape, and let the healing process start by cutting off all contact.

But you will do nothing but throw away thousands of dollars with all the legal proceedings you�re wanting to undergo for someone that is simply is not worth it. There are no kids to preserve a home for. Let her go. You deserve better than this in your life.

Thank you for your advice. I'm slowly coming to the realization that I need to move on. No one is supporting the marriage from her side, friends or family. Four months out I still have to defend the exposure and everyone seems to forget shes the unfaithful one. And her family and friends are not bad people at all, nice and accomplished in their fields. But no matter how many times I explain it the fact that I exposed to her workplace is the only thing people will talk about. I guess it's only us on these forums can see that it's necessary. As long as I stay busy I do good but the second I have free time it becomes difficult again. Still can't believe she's cheating

so i never exposed to her family that lives out of country (which is most of it)...i don't think they'll really put any pressure on her to stop however that's why i never did it...at this point i feel it will just put a bigger wedge between us...any suggestions?

just want to make sure i did everything possible so i don't look back with saying "i wish i had done that"

ABC,

There is nothing you can use as leverage against her. There are no kids. There�s no real consequences to her affair since she has no custody fight nor child support to deal with. Complete silence on your end is what is called for.

Further exposure at this point would not be effective and would come off as vindictive, in my opinion.

Move on. She�s not worth it. There�s too many good women out there to worry about this one.

Seriously, why do you want this one back? What does she have that is so special that you can�t get it from another women elsewhere?

the vows i took when i got married mean a lot to me...but besides that..

this just isn't her..previously women who wore even some revealing clothes she thought were "slutty", she was also very concerned about my parents opinion of her, and "saving herself" for marriage was also very important...

reading about how an affair is an addiction and whatnot is just making it more difficult too because i keep thinking if she were a cocaine/heroin addict i wouldn't abandon her...

i have been silent with her for 3 weeks now and plan to continue to do so..my fault has been still trying to get family and friends to understand that divorce is not the answer using objective data, professional opinion etc...obviously i'm failing

either way I am healing, heck i went grocery shopping for the first time in five months (i've been eating out every meal basically) yesterday...i know life goes on...personal recovery is just taking time. It just happened so quickly...middle of september we were having a great time together at my sisters wedding...5 weeks later she was asking for her "space"..and a month after that she was looking for her own apartments...

i also hear of all the success stories on here of reconciliation and having a better marriage than ever..i want to be one of them, i'm very jealous of that...especially now that i have all the skills the guarantee a great marriage

there are other fish in the sea..i know...

you guys have all been very helpful and i appreciate it..thank you so much

Just thought I'd share an update.
My dad emailed my WW a couple days ago wanting to know what her thoughts were as we have been separated for 8 months now. My parents are also healing from this also and I guess he just needed to know what her thinking is. She still continues to justify and blame me and that she'll never forgive me for my lovebusting past and for exposing her affair, etc. She also sent a nasty email through her lawyer to my lawyer emphatically stating marriage is over, blah blah. Meanwhile her and OM continue to see each other. I believe her family even met him last month.

My mom told me about my parents marriage a couple months ago. She stated the first five years of their marriage were extremely difficult, trying to adjust to each other, lots of fighting etc. But eventually they learned and have had a great marriage since. The only difference I see between their marriage and mine is that my wife decided to have an affair.

Divorce continues.

ABC,

So sorry she's got her head stuck up her backside, but here are my thoughts.

Yes one day she WILL regret her actions, but as others have stated, she has little to fight w/you over except maybe money or assets.

I would not stop the divorce if it were me, and I would ONLY PURSUE the alienation of affection suit if there were monies lost BECAUSE OF THE AFFAIR or if the other man stole and used up joint assets with your ww in the process of the affair.

And I would bet that happened. So I'd file for that, but NOT as a route to healing the marriage or forcing the OM out, but to recoup financial assets, as divorces hurt people financially.

No kids to me equals clean break. She simply may not be marriage material. She certainly is not now. Your parents tried to communicate with her and she's clearly fogged out. Let her go. Live in PEACE.

I remarried a man last year (we just had 1st anniversary 2 wks ago)and it is ONE MILLION (and a little more) times better than before and I am so glad God took His time in bringing me to the right man when my heart was right and my head was right. My xwh was nothing but basically a dna donor so I could have my precious son.

There IS the right woman out there for you when your head and heart and soul are healed. It'll take a bit of time but hey, YOU'RE worth it.

Cut bait with this cheater and let her sink. She will. But TAKE A HARD LINE on the asset division and retain a very tough attny to KEEP your assets. If you're in a state with the alienation of affection, sue the OM for assets lost because he conspired with your wife, FULLY AWARE she was married, and destroyed your marriage.

that is the part I would not skimp on. There can be a beautiful new marriage AND FAMILY one day in the works with the right woman. But it's not now.

So, if it were me, I'd keep and recoup my assets, give the ww as LITTLE as possible in the divorce b/c of the affair, sue for divorce and HAVE GROUNDS of adultery and mental cruelty,and then begin the alienation of affection suit and SUE THE OM. At best, it will at least be a costly slap on the wrist to the affairees and maybe that way they will learn the hard lesson that affairs ARE NASTY AND IMMORAL. Even if it is the judge who has to tell them, since her family doesn't care and it seems as if posom doesn't care either.

Thank you peachy I appreciate that. It's stupid the things that trigger you. I had Sprite today for the first time today in prob a year and I started tearing up after my first sip. A flood of memories came back because I used to always (sometimes gudgingly) get her Sprite when she was sick.

Thank you peachy I appreciate that. It's stupid the things that trigger you. I had Sprite today for the first time today in prob a year and I started tearing up after my first sip. A flood of memories came back because I used to always (sometimes gudgingly) get her Sprite when she was sick.

Don't let her ruin Sprite for you. Retake that soda!

Random rant of the day: Facebook sucks when you're going through this stuff. WW and OM attended one her friend's weddings a couple weeks...the pictures especially with all these people I once considered friends and them socializing and having a great time with OM...surprisingly I just shrugged and was kind of indifferent now (kind of..)

That does suck, I found a picture of my husband and OW at a Ohio State game, having a great time last Thanksgiving, when he never called my boys to wish them a nice holiday. I think the wedding stings more!

Sorry abc, Its a hard road. My wife had an affair starting in November, exposed in February and she divorced me in June. it was fast and no remorse. She is a speeding bullet in the wrong direction right now. I have had all of her family helping me and we have 4 kids together. WW's suck.

WWs do suck. I feel so sorry for your kids. Trying to think of this whole situation positively I can be grateful it happened in the first two years of our marriage so no kids. At least your family is helping you, her family has cut contact with me, maybe it would be different if we had kids. I still remember her dad initially said he would never accept OM but after exposure he also cut contact with me so I'm still not so sure about exposure (at least in the work place). But the biggest positive is learning about my faults and stumbling onto marriage builders.

Exposure in the workplace is generally considered a good idea. Who wants two people mucking around on company time?

so last weekend I randomly decided to facebook one of her cousins who lives outside the country...we were having a decent conversation and then he asks me how myself and WW are doing...he obviously had no clue what was going on...I told him and said unfortunately WWs family are supporting it..sounds like he called them today because below is an email from WW who I haven't heard from in months:

"You have no right telling my family about these issues ... It is up to my parents when they are ready to tell people ... Nor urs ... U haven't changed at all ... U have to make urself look like the better person ... How would u feel if I told everyone of ur family all the crap uve done ... U are so unbelievable ... U make urself loom the the only one hurt in this ... U need to realize just how vengeful and hurtful u really are .... And don't give me excuses about going with advice from others ... U chose the advice u wanted ... So it's u who made all thE wrong decisions ... And that is what showed the type of person u really are ... And that is why I will never be with u again bc I've seen exactly the kind of person u are .... Manipulative ... Vengeful ... Spiteful ... Will hurt others at any cost to prove
What u want even if u are wrong .... So don't ever speak to my family about this ... U have no right"

Any suggestions of a reply? I can't just let that go...is it bad for me to be smiling and getting a chuckle out of this when reading this??

this email basically sums up the last 9 months of her feelings...doesn't take personal responsibility for anything..it's all about what i did

She is totally fogged out. She is identical to 99.9% of waywards. She feels entitled to unconditional love, and her family is in the same mindset.

She has no sense of empathy for others. Is completely self-centered, and strongly enabled by her family.

She has a huge lesson to learn in life, and only that can happen in time.

Absolutely in no way reply to this nonsense. She is completely high on crack at the moment. She is just pizzed because you brought in more spectators to her crackhouse.

I think you should look at Plan B and completely go so dark she will think you are dead.

She is of the type that absolutely sees you as a weak individual. She has no respect for you, and will continue this behavior if you don't man up some.

CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER. This and only this gives you a slim chance of her returning. In the meantime, heal yourself. Continue with the gym and get in the best physical shape of your life.

She will be coming on two years soon (if I recall correctly?). It will die soon, so be prepared.

At this moment she is so high and fogged out do not engage. It would be like trying to argue with a drunk in the bar. We all know no one wins.