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#2495251 04/05/11 11:49 PM
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es1981a Offline OP
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My fiance just recently confessed that she has been having an affair with a coworker for the past 6 months. Most hurtful she continued the affair after becoming engaged to me 3 months ago. She even had sex with this individual on one occasion after our engagement. She told me she broke it off a month ago and claims she will do anything to repair what she has done. She has offered to transfer from her job in two months, wants to begin counseling both individual and couples, and will be changing her cell phone number. I'm not sure what to do...I'm shocked, hurt and angry and don't know whether this is worth salvaging. We had already began looking t weeding venues and has even offered on a new home, thank goodness I was able to stop the process in time.

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I would strongly suggest you delay your marriage and especially, buying a home together. This level of dishonesty would be a significant knock out factor when choosing a mate. If she is this dishonest and promiscuous now, I would be afraid of what she would do during a tough time in your marriage.

Is her co-worker boyfriend married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I wouldnt marry her at all.. What happens if she has STDs?

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Based on my own personal experience in a very similar situation, my advise to you is to walk away as quickly and quietly as possible. If you stay, knowledge of her pre-M cheating is going to haunt you when she cheats again (and notice I said WHEN, not IF).


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Walk away and don't look back. You can do better than someone who cheats on you when you are engaged. Just think of the level of duplicity and deceit required to have repeated sex with a coworker while planning your wedding and picking out a home together. It is beyond disrespectful.

Recognize you are worth more than that and consider this a gift from her, saving you years of your life.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
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As hard as it will be walk away. Imagine having 2 or 3 children in the home, mutual assets and 8 -10 years in the wake THEN having her confess this same thing to you. You are hurt/angry/disappointed now but let me assure you once children and time are involved its compounded to a point of DEVASTATION.


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FXWW EA 2005/2008/2010
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Engagement is perhaps the easiest time in a relationship and a time when its less common to have an A. She has some serious, serious issues to address. You have to ask yourself if its worth it to be with someone you know is profoundly damaged.

Its tempting to give her credit for trying to right the ship, but she's the one that scuttled it in the first place. And she did it intentionally, eyes wide open.

You are asking a community of people who understand what it takes to survive and recover M's in the wake of infidelity and you are pretty much unanimously being told to pack it in. It is a very difficult road and not everyone has what it takes to make it through the pain and anguish. Your chances are not real good.

So if you choose this path in spite of the advice, know that you will battered like nothing you've experienced before. Personally, knowing what I know now, I would consider it very foolish to choose this.


BS (me) 49
WW 49
married 6 years
dday1 8/23/10 NC 9/3/10
NC broken 12/10
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es - I agree with the other posters that are advising you to cut your losses. Your fiancee has already shown herself to be liar - she had to lie to conduct the affair. The problem with liars is that you don't know when they're telling the truth and when they're lying. This is supposed to be your most intimate relationship. At the very least call off the engagement and buy some time. She should want to earn her way back into your good graces. If she doesn't, you have your answer.


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WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
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es1981a,

My fiance just recently confessed that she has been having an affair with a coworker for the past 6 months.

The affairs that occur anytime close to your wedding are especially difficult to get over, my W and OM2 were an item some time before our marriage and I never really recovered from that 20+ years ago.

About a year or so after we were married my W wanted to divorce me but decided against it, I think that was when the emotional attachment she felt with OM2 ended.

If you are going to stay with your finance you need to (1) confront the OM, (2) expose your finance and even more so (3) expose the OM to his Wife and everyone else. She needs to understand that you will take every measure possible and this is not just something you will say you will do.

God Bless
Gamma

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es1981a
I am so very sorry for you. This must hurt terribly and I am sure your fiance has her own wounds.
This is after all your life to live and I am sure you feel love and that you must also be deeply bewildered by this affair.
I am not an expert here. But this situation happened to me in my first marriage. In fact, there was a pregnancy scare and I took the blame and the anger from my fiance's father and mother when I had never had intercourse (I was a technical virgin). I did get past the betrayal but I readily admit I lost respect. The person I lost respect for was me.
My fiancee had already very obviously lost respsect for me.
So how important to you is being respected and admired? After you answer that question (and I hope it is very important), think about how you will view your life in thirty years....
Then think about the advice from the experts here.
Blessings for your healing.
My parting thought... You did not deserve this and you are better than this.

Hurting Turkey
ME:BS age 56
SHE:WW (#2) age 49
Married 13 years
DD #1 April 26, 2009
DD #2 October 15, 2009
Hers, age 22, 18
Mine, age 30, 28 & 22
Ours, age 11
Some trickle truth
WW still denies affair # 2 despite overwhelming evidence
ME: Reforming Verbal Abuser

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Originally Posted By: es1981a
My fiance just recently confessed that she has been having an affair with a coworker for the past 6 months. Most hurtful she continued the affair after becoming engaged to me 3 months ago. She even had sex with this individual on one occasion after our engagement. She told me she broke it off a month ago and claims she will do anything to repair what she has done. She has offered to transfer from her job in two months, wants to begin counseling both individual and couples, and will be changing her cell phone number. I'm not sure what to do...I'm shocked, hurt and angry and don't know whether this is worth salvaging. We had already began looking t weeding venues and has even offered on a new home, thank goodness I was able to stop the process in time.
I'm so sorry to hear this, es1981a. Maybe it would help if you look at it like this: at least she showed her true colors before you married and had children.

I remember being engaged, and all the fun and excitement of that time. The last thing I would have thought about is screwing around with another man. ICK!

You deserve better.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I am so sorry for you. The fact that she would engage in a sexual affair and put your health at risk for STD's while she was engaged to you says it all. She showed total disrespect for you and your relationship. It seems apparent that she must have been receiving some perverse thrill in cheating on you and engaging in sex with her lover behind your back while accepting your engagement ring and being engaged to marry you.

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have been seemingly so accepting to a degree as you have been? My friend if she engages in such lies and behavior behind your back while she is engaged to you; what do you think would happen if you were married after a while? She clearly has a broken moral compass and you cannot fix her. Her actions indicate down deep she has no respect for you or your relationship. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Please find someone else who shares your values. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Do you really need to have a piano fall on your head to truly understand what has happened to you? I wish you luck.

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Quote:
She told me she broke it off a month ago and claims she will do anything to repair what she has done.


Good for her - she should repair the damage she has done in so violating herself and her integrity. She needs to do anything to repair THAT.

But I don't think this relationship is reparable.

She's focusing on 'fixing' the relationship so she can get you back. THAT is her reward - and it's the wrong goal.

She should be focusing on 'fixing' herself and the personal reward she will reap from that will be infinitely deeper and more valuable than trying to patch this broken relationship.

Let her fix things - let her do 'anything' - doesn't mean she gets to have you and doesn't mean she gets to have the perfect little marriage with the new home and big wedding. Just means she gets to become a woman of strength, integrity and moral courage - a woman worth marrying and sharing a life with - for someone else down the road.


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...I thought about my reply to this for about .....45 seconds.

Look the Engagement is supposed to be a job interview, she didn't pass.

The two of you had a understanding that your relationship was moving from dating to marriage.

If you proceed to marry this woman, expect hardship down the line.

Be sure to add in Lawyer's fees, children, assets, your mental anguish and suffering.

Move along.. there are millions of women out there.

I sure as hell wouldn't buy a car that broke down during the test drive at the dealership!!!!!


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I think the only thing you can do is say to her that she needs to work on herself.
She needs to understand why she was capable of this, how she was able to make this okay in her head.....
It is so far from what the life plan was with you............
She cannot expect you to move forward even with the relationship at this point. Something is seriously amiss with her........
This is not something you can attach yourself to.......
It is time to do some self reflection yourself and why you would put up with this kind of disrespect and that is what it is.
Marriage is moving yourself to a place in this life where you can make decisions for the marriage and abandon the decision making that is only for yourself.......
There isn't any room for selfishness and narcisstic decisions.......
I'm sorry but she needs a lot of work first.......


BW 56
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Maybe you can fix it, but think about what that fix will look like. For the rest of your life you will have serious doubts about your relationship. You'll never trust her when she has unaccounted time.

Breaking it off now will be the best thing for both of you--especially her. She will get to feel the full and severe consequences of an affair and hopefully will make permanent changes in her behavior.

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Originally Posted By: es1981a
My fiance just recently confessed that she has been having an affair with a coworker for the past 6 months. Most hurtful she continued the affair after becoming engaged to me 3 months ago. She even had sex with this individual on one occasion after our engagement.


Have you ever taken a job where the first 3-6 months are "probationary"?
Your future employment prospects are measured during your probationary period.

Same here.
She failed her probationary period.

If this were her job, she'd be fired and not rehired.

This requires a calm yet firm break up.
Permanently.

Better now than later.

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If only some of us had the chance you have. No kids, no divorce, no assets to split.

Get away now before you have all that to worry about. Because you will later. When things get hard down the line with money and jobs and kids you know exactly the path of escape she will take. And you will pay dearly then.

Run and don't look back.


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Originally Posted By: es1981a
She told me she broke it off a month ago

Are you sure that she is the one who broke it off? Are you the fall back plan?


ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008

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Time to get your ring back and and find a new girl.

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