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Hello All,
Brand new to this forum and not sure on how to proceed... I am sorry if this is too long or I go too far into detail, but at the moment, my world is upside down and I can't sleep.
Background:
Wife and I married back September '06 after dating for approximately 1 year. She's 32, I'm 31 and we first met through an online dating website even though we grew up only 30 minutes from each other. We currently live in 1BR apartment, neither of us have kids, but we do have a cat. We have really never had a fight and anytime we come close to having one, either she or I do something to avoid conflict. Looking back, probably not a wise decision to not fight. She is a special ed teacher and I am in-home service tech. We both work A LOT and only get to really spend one full day a week together.
Present Situation:
One morning, about three weeks ago, she and I are getting ready to leave for work and as I am walking out the door, she says "I don't think we have anything in common anymore." I was definitely not expecting to hear her say that and really had no idea how to respond, so I told her that "we don't have enough time to address the situation this morning and we would discuss things in detail when I got home from work." Later that afternoon, she and I had a calm conversation. I asked if she wanted to work to make things better and she said she didn't know. I asked if she would be willing to speak with a marriage counselor and she said she didn't know. At that point, I said that we aren't communicating very well and that we should really find someone to speak to, both individually and as a couple. The conversation was going nowhere, so I said we would revisit the topic in a week's time.
The following Sunday, I try to bring up the subject of seeking marriage counseling again and she says she doesn't know if she want to try it. I tell her that she and our marriage means a lot to me and that I want to work to make things better between us but a marriage requires effort and dedication from both people. She said she needed time to think about it. I was disappointed to hear this because we both had a full week to think about it. Reluctantly, I agreed to hold off on the decision for another week. Needless to say, the day was ruined after the conversation.
Another week passes and this time I avoid bringing up the topic all together because we only really get to spend one full day a week together and I wanted us to have a good day. It also bears mentioning that everyday, when she comes home from work, she almost immediately takes her laptop into the bedroom to go online and do school work. She has been doing this for quite sometime now and I always attributed it to needing to blow off some steam and relax from a stressful day's work. As a result, since she goes on her computer and doesn't get off of it until it's time for Dinner, I go on my computer and play a computer game until she comes out for Dinner. Total dysfunction, I know. Occasionally, I will go in to the bedroom and try to strike up a conversation. I ask what she is doing and how her day was, etc. I noticed that every time I did this, she would very quickly close windows on the laptop but by the time I got to see the computer monitor, there was some school report up that she was supposedly working on.
My suspicions aroused, I recently installed a key-logger on her laptop. Not something I am proud of, but I was left with little alternative. At the moment, I find myself torn in two. Half of me wishes I never had found out the truth and the other half is angry that I waited this long to find out. Over the last couple of days, I have found emails dating back 12 months between my wife and some guy in Scotland and I think there correspondences may even go back as far as 20 months ago. A year and a half is a long time and I am emotionally destroyed. I also found a couple sex videos that he had sent my wife. She refers to him as her husband and he refers to her as his wife and she signs each email with his last name. To make matters even worse, I have found evidence that she has purchased a one-way ticket to Scotland for this upcoming June. She continues to speak with him every day and night online, through email, and through text message even while I am in the next room. I printed all the email correspondences between she and this guy. So many in fact that I ran out of ink and paper.
I am so angry I can barely keep my composure and stay in the same apartment with my wife. My head is spinning, and at this point, knowing what I know now and how long it has been going on I don't know if I even want to try and fix our relationship. This is definitely not what I signed up for. I loved my wife when we first met and part of me still loves her now. I am disgusted with her and with myself. At the moment, I feel like the situation I find myself in is hopeless. Divorce seems to be the only resolution but it takes time to get it done. If she goes over to Scotland, how do I proceed? Can I force her to move out with both our names on the lease?! What happens to our stuff?!? What happens to our pet?!?!
I am completely lost with all that has transpired in the last 72 hours and really hope someone here can provide some perspective and/or advice...
Many Thanks,
~Virtigo~
Last edited by Virtigo; 04/08/11 04:25 AM.
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Joined: Apr 2011
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Recon,
Thank you for your response.
We have no children at this time, something I feel fortunate to say at the moment. She expressed interest in having three children during the beginning of our marriage but a few months back revised that to: when she doesn't feel like strangling her students, she would like to have kids.
OM is married as far as I can tell from the emails but from what I can tell, he is in the process of getting a divorce.
WW doesn't know that I know or at least is acting ignorant to the possibility that I might know. I think this due in large part to how long she has been going behind my back with the OM.
Thank you for your words of encouragement, it is reassuring to know that I am not alone in this. I am growing increasingly curious as to how WW's parents would react to knowing about her actions and that she has made plans to leave for the UK.
~Virtigo~
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Joined: Feb 2011
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Adulterers lie, he is most likely lying about getting a divorce.. One of the ole wayward lines that never ceases. You have the evidence now is the time to expose.. Go for her mom, dad, bros, sisters, grandparents.. Tell this to your mom, dad, bros, sis, and grandparents as well... Expose to his family, too.
After that confront the man saying you love your wife, there will be consequences, so back off!
if exposing by facebook, use prive emails, expose in one day, and space these emails over one minute apart.
Expect your wife to go postal but dont move out, stay in your marriage bed!! Your marriage can be restored... But focus on killing this affair!
Last edited by LoveCAG; 04/08/11 05:23 AM.
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At the moment, I feel like the situation I find myself in is hopeless. Divorce seems to be the only resolution but it takes time to get it done. If she goes over to Scotland, how do I proceed? Can I force her to move out with both our names on the lease?! What happens to our stuff?!? What happens to our pet?!?! Sorry you are here but welcome to MB. I know it is hard to believe but this is fixable but not until you bust up the A... Great job on snooping and getting all the evidence, you are ahead of the game in that regard. Don't get me wrong, if you want to move to Plan D, I have no problem with that but I would encourage you to TRY to bust up the A first before making that decision. Read up as much as you can on Plan A. Here's a must-read: Carrot & Stick of Plan A
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OM is married as far as I can tell from the emails but from what I can tell, he is in the process of getting a divorce. This is a COMMON wayward tactic to tell the AP that they are "separated" or in the process of gettting a D or just D'd. NEVER believe this unless you can verify yourself.
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OM is married as far as I can tell from the emails but from what I can tell, he is in the process of getting a divorce.
~Virtigo~
The fact that the guy is married is the best weapon that you have got. You have to expose to OMW. She is the main target. In my case, OM relationship with his wife was supposed to be bad also  ... but the guy went nuts (claimed that I (!) destroyed his life) after I exposed to his wife. Makes me smile even now, almost two years after the incident. Anyway - of course you don't have to stay married and since you don't have kids, many here will suggest you to divorce. But this is Marriage Builders and if you want to save your marriage you have to follow the plan. Exposure is the key step in it. Do not warn your WW that you gonna expose! Exposure message should be informative, no emotions at all. You will be accused beeing vindictive anyway, but still. You have to expose to OMW even in case you will divorce. She deserves to be informed (imagine yourself in her position), OM/WW will not give give her correct information. But - do not make any hasty decisions about divorcing, give it couple of months. Kill the affair first. Expose.
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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31 no kids no Assets really to speak of? Man Im going to tell you with 10 years your senior what I would do if I had known 10 years ago what I know now and was in your sitch. Escort her to the Airport give her some spending Pounds and a green hat and find yourself a decent Attorney.Then Go to church and thank God he revealed the beast to you before you had children involved.
I do not advocate Divorce. I hate it. But I hate WS more.
If you do want to save your M and try then make a GREAT exposure plan. Treat it as Hiroshima and drop a NUCLEAR BOMB on it in one swift strike. Make no mistake to save your M it will be a war! Exposure is the first strike that often wins that war.
I am so sorry for your sitch! I dont mean to sound harsh if I do but some people can change some NEVER will. You know her better than we do.
Divorced 11/5/2013
FXWW EA 2005/2008/2010
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OM is married as far as I can tell from the emails but from what I can tell, he is in the process of getting a divorce. In the "process of divorce" means married. I would most definitely contact his wife and expose the affair. Exposure will likely kill this affair if you nuke it before she leaves to meet this scumbum. Affairs thrive on secrecy so it is very likely that exposure will kill it off. It won't look so pretty when she has to explain her cockamamie plan of running off to have sex with a married man she met on the internet! Be sure and collect all your evidence. Dont' tell your wife how you know all this when you confront her. Tell her you won't give away your resources, but suffice it say "I AM HAVING YOU WATCHED!" <----thats all she has to know. I would also draw the line with her carrying on her affair from your home. Tell her if she wants to carry on her affair, she should leave your safe home. Take her laptop out of house to do that. To do that in your safe home is disrespectful.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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p.s. and I would strongly consider cutting your losses and moving on. It's your decision. But can you imagine dealing with this AND 3 little kids under 5 and a mortgage and a SAHM? That might be your future. I know I would tell you if you were my son!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Welcome, virtigo. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this sad situation.
The good news is that you have a powerful weapon at your disposal: exposure to OM's wife. Don't believe the business of his 'divorce'. That's one of the older lines in the book.
Can you track down their home phone number? You'll want to reach her as soon as you can.
Think about whether or not you want to stay in a marriage with this woman. You have invested time, yes, but you have no children and you are young. You deserve more than an unfaithful wife.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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A big thank you to all who replied to my post.
I exposed the EA to WW last night after I asked if she was being unfaithful and she lied straight to my face.
Last Night:
She tried to explain that her online relationship wasn't cheating, and that it was my lack of attention that led to us being here, etc. I told her where she could go with that argument. After more discussion, I thought she was being receptive to the idea of stopping the EA and working on our marriage. Even got her to sit next to me and take a look at the marriagebuilders.com tour at like 2:00 in the morning. We finished looking at the website and went to sleep in the same bed at the same time, something I can't even remember doing, it has been so long.
Today:
So, we wake up. She goes off to a scheduled hair appointment. I check the computer to see if she actually killed the EA. Nope, she just changed the passwords to her email accounts. I tried to play nice, but apparently, she isn't worth the effort.
Tonight:
Called her Brother and exposed. He was stunned and tried to apologize. I tried to call her parents and got no answer. Will try again tomorrow and might even meet them to present evidence.
We are done. I thought there was a sliver of hope when she agreed to look at marriagebuilders.com. But after reading what WW wrote to the OM after I exposed her EA, she isn't worth my time.
So plan D it is. But what exactly happens next. How do I get her out of our home? Police? Do we get separated first and then that leads to the divorce? I might be able to get her to agree to mediation, but does mediation make the process go faster? I want her out of my life post haste. How long should I expect this process to take? Since she is planning on leaving the country, is that going to make the process easier or harder? I know I am asking a ton of questions, but you all or my only resource at the moment.
Many Thanks for everyone's help and support. It's nice to have a guide through hell.
~Virtigo~
Last edited by Virtigo; 04/09/11 09:18 PM.
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Sorry to hear that things didn't go well. Honestly, though, I'd be surprised if your wife had actually stopped the affair the first time you asked her to. It just doesn't really work that easily because of the attachment (addiction) that your wife has with this OM.
Rule #1: Waywards lie and will do damn near everything to maintain the status quo. You found that out fairly quickly.
But, if you're honestly done with the marriage and don't want to reconcile, I would make an appointment with an attorney and see what your options are. With no children or real estate, you could probably cut it off fairly easily.
Or, if you want to try to recover this marriage, your situation hardly sounds hopeless. Either way you decide to go, there are plenty here that have been-there-done-that and can offer advice on where to go next.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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You can install a keylogger on that computer vertigo to find out her passwords. The problem with your expose is you didn't go full nuclear, you did a little here and a little there... that basically means she will have a lot of time to change her story.
Try exposing to everyone that we have mentioned in one full day.. then install the keylogger on her computer...
If you are truly done then ask her to leave the apartment.
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Why did you not expose to OMW? If you are done then you are done but you should at least try to kill the affair and OMW truly deserves to know. A little bit exposure there and there does not work, just gives wayward enough time to prepare and paint you as a nutjob jealous husband.
You cannot educate wayward, to show the MB was big bistake. I really hope you didn't show your thread. It is suggested to do this not until some time into solid recovery.
Me (FWH) 44
Mrs_Recon6mo (FWW) 42
Married 22 years
2 Children 20 and 22 years
Last D-Day for me: May 2009
Last D-Day for her: October 2008
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Called her Brother and exposed. He was stunned and tried to apologize. I tried to call her parents and got no answer. Will try again tomorrow and might even meet them to present evidence. Friend, this is like using a squirt gun on a raging fire. That is why you didn't kill the A. If you want your best chance of killing the A, you need to expose to both sets of parents, siblings other close family & friends, children, pastor, and most importantly, OMW, OM parents, FB friends. And then -- this is important ----> you ask all these folks to put pressure on your W to end the A...and you also tell your W that everyone knows and the A has no future. Anyway, if you want to go to Plan D, fine, but PLEASE make sure to inform OMW regardless. She needs to know.
Last edited by SusieQ; 04/10/11 11:45 AM.
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Listen to everyone, virtigo. Trickle-exposing is counterproductive and may do more harm than good. Expose this to everyone at the same time.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I hit OMW and it killed her affair immediately. Find the wife.
Then hang on cause shes gonna get mad.
But ending it in your case without kids - no one will blame you for that either.
FBH,Dad
No half measures, in anything.
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