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#2495894 04/08/11 04:24 AM
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Hello all my MB friends! This is (was) SickofLimbo and I can now finally post an update. I had to leave the forum for a while due to security reasons regarding upcoming custody fight at the time. My original thread "Want New Start - She Doesn't" contained a whole lot of informations that if found by WW could have hurt me legally so I asked that the thread be killed. I plan on starting a new thread in the other forums soon but knew I had to update here first!

For those that know me and my sitch, this will probably make more sense but I'll attempt to fill in the blanks too.

Was married 13 years and deployed to Afghanistan. While there, wife started an online EA with some married dude from Australia. She didn't tell me, but gave me the "not in love with you" speech while I was gone. Came home and things didn't add up so I snooped and discovered her affair. Found MB and snooped some more and got excellent help and advice. Did the full exposure and tried Plan A. Counseled with SH and even called the radio show once. Had to travel some for military which hurt Plan A efforts, but my WW, aka Pinky, was as stubborn as they come. To this day she has no remorse or guilt and continues her affair. 8 months into Plan A and I had to go away for 2 months and OM flew to the states while I was gone. Now it's a PA. Still tried to recover and Plan A for a while to no avail. It was time to Plan B, but I could not implement due to us living together. Long story but neither of us would leave the home nor could we force the other one out. I stayed for my boys and she stayed to cake eat.

Eventually I had lost all remaining love for her and she decided to go to Australia for two months. While she was gone I filed for sole custody of the boys and exclusive possession of the house and tried to be the best dad I could. She came back home when she was served about a month ago now. Instead of fighting in court, we ended up settling and got divorced on 10 March. One day after our 15th wedding anniversary! I had about a 55% chance of winning the temporary custody, but it was a winner take all scenario, and I couldn't gamble with the boys' life like that. I ended up with joint legal and physical custody, the house, the new car, and a child support bill each month. In my state, even with 50/50 custody, CS is figured by offsetting 28% of each parent's net income and I make more than she does. If she made more, she would pay me CS.

So now we have just worked with a mediator and finalized our parenting agreement and final settlement for all the marital property. We basically split everything in half and I am refinancing the house to take her off. Down side is we are still living together! She has two weeks to move out after I complete the refi and pay her half of the equity. I can't close on the refi until the final settlement is signed by the judge, so it will still be a couple weeks.

It has been the worst two years of my life, but I am about to enter out the other side of this mess. I am truly relieved at this point and am getting through this period of living together OK. It is better now than it was before she left since I really don't care what she is doing and have completely detached. My focus is on the boys.

I hope to try to help out some newbies on here if I can and share some of what I have learned through this process. Although the end result was never what I wanted, I do consider myself a MB success story. This site has helped tremendously with my personal recovery, and gave me the best shot at marital recovery. Bottom line is there are things you can do to save a marriage on your own, but it ultimately takes two. There can be no recovery while an active affair is ongoing, and in my case, I was not able to kill the affair despite every effort.

To you newbies who may be reading this, don't be discouraged by my sitch. I believe the majority of troubled marriages on here have some hope and this site and these folks offer the best chance. Do what they say and let go of your fear. Have some patience and perspective and trust these fine folks, but remember there are no guarantees. In my case, I have learned so much about relationships and self-improvement, I know I will be an excellent husband to somebody someday. They helped me to work on myself during my plan A and I know I am a much better person, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually because of it.

I know I just sort of disappeared on here and needed to explain what happened. Now that we are divorced, I am free to share what's going on and hopefully try to help others who are just now entering into the club nobody wants to join. It feels great to be back though!

ps- I've changed my screen name but can't decide on LimboNoMore or simply SOL.


-SOL
_SOL #2495918 04/08/11 06:31 AM
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Hey Limb!

It's really good to see you back. Sorry about where things ended up but you know and everybody here knows that you did everything you could to try to save the marriage. In the end, it was just unsavable (if that's even a word). You should feel proud about what you did and how you handled yourself.

I know divorce is not what you wanted, but you will find in due time that you will be happier then ever.

We might have to even get old TB out to see that you have returned.

_SOL #2495922 04/08/11 06:36 AM
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I will always call you "Limb" so I don't care which name you choose. grin

I will always think of you as an MB success. You showed great strength in character. You followed MB. It has been a great honour "knowing" you. I believe you have much to offer the newly betrayed BHs. We seem to have been getting a few of them lately.

You sir are a fine man who did everything possible to save your marriage and you have everything to be proud of, welcome back. The best(or at least rest) is yet to come.



BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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Hi Limb, thanks for the update.

Did xWW ever wake up during her trip overseas. Is she still going out with the Ozzie at this stage? Will her divorced life plans affect you in any way?

How are you coping in the aftermath?



But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Thanks MS and Scotty!

Imagine, no I don't think she ever woke up. She is still in regular contact with POSOM. I think some part of her realizes that whatever their relationship is/was is not going to work. She has already set up an account on Match and has gone out on a date since she came back too. I would say she is still very much foggy.

I was surprised but during the settlement stuff she says she plans to stay in the school district and not travel anywhere for over two weeks. She is going to continue to work online and try to work her schooling. She thinks she is going to get a house but I can't see how she will qualify. I've told her to keep looking at renting as a back up plan. We are still in the house together now and probably will be for a good month or so more, waiting for the settlement court date and the refinance and all.

I'm actually doing pretty good. I am very releived and yes, it does suck that she is still in the house but it really isn't half as bad as it was before she left. The tension is gone. I have dipped my toes in the dating world, and I think I'll be OK. Not rushing into a relationship or anything. I'm just patiently awaiting her physically moving out for good to truly start to live on my own.


-SOL
_SOL #2496055 04/08/11 12:59 PM
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Wow. SoL, what a crazy ride. I think you definitely qualify as a success story - even if it wasn't the original outcome you wanted, your personal recovery is outstanding.

Give those boys the best life you can, and help out on the boards here when you can - you're a real asset!


Me - 30 (FWW)
H - 30 (BH)
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Welcome back!!! You've made it to the other side. I wish that when I advised considering divorce at the beginning of your saga, that my post hadn't been deleted, but I'm sure you grew and learned a lot about yourself even though you went through so much unnecessary pain.

You are the kind of man every woman worth a darn would dream of. And you have been and still are setting such a great example for your boys.

Carry your head high, live well for the best revenge, and take the high road. Don't give Pinky any more time to live rent-free in your mind (or your house for that matter - LOL!). She is headed down a path full of misery - she sounds much like MY WXW, who is now bankrupt, jobless, with a new baby with a new OM who doesn't work, and shares the house with his mother who doesn't speak English and doesn't work. This is a college-educated woman who had it all, but threw it away. Don't worry if you don't feel as "happy" as she seems to be. Trust me, she's in for a world of emotional hurt and you yourself are WELL along in the healing process.

Best Wishes,
Arpeggi


Formerly ConfuzedHusband
BH
WW (Now XW)
Married 4 years, No children.
EA/PA from 2/2008 to 5/2008.
DDay: 5/17/2008 - Separated 6/1/2008 - Filed 8/3/2008
Divorce final 3/2009.

Now in a committed relationship with a woman of character who loves me so much better and deeper than I ever dreamed possible. I had no idea what I was missing out on and am so grateful God gave me a free "second chance" at love and life.
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I'm sorry to hear she remains Foggy, but it's great to hear from you! I also think you are an MB success and wish you great luck in the future!

_SOL #2496182 04/08/11 07:11 PM
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Hey Limb, thanks for the update! You sound like you're doing good. It's been a wild wide, now it's only gonna get better for you, just watch.

How are the boys handling the divorce? Do they understand what just happened? It's good that you guys didn't go the way of the Roses in your divorce process, because that could have been worse for them-- although I'm all for taking a WW to the cleaners. grin

Stick around, we seem to have a ton of new BHs around here that could probably use your help. While MB IS about marriage building, sometimes a situation cannot be saved because the WW is too far gone. Pinky was/is about as wayward as they come.

Just think how lucky some woman will be someday if you ever get married again. You'll have the tools to have a GREAT marriage.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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At least you got the better end of the deal. That is good. And your boys are doing well enough, it seems. smile

And you still have your health.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by Scotland
You sir are a fine man who did everything possible to save your marriage and you have everything to be proud of, welcome back. The best(or at least rest) is yet to come.

Ditto that. So good to see your new thread Limbo, and thanks for posting on mine in Divorcing/Divorced. You and I were on a parallel course for a long time, and your determination inspired me on more than one occasion. Now, it looks like we're at pretty much the same place despite strong efforts by both of us. Such is life!

It's good to have friends here, isn't it?

Linus


Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years
ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook)
After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11
D final 03/12

'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them'
Jay Severin

'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more'
Tony Robbins
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Originally Posted by karmasrose
At least you got the better end of the deal. That is good. And your boys are doing well enough, it seems. smile

And you still have your health.
karma, I don't want to t/j, but did you get your computer fixed?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I sent in an email to ASUS...so far, nothing has helped. I've tried a heckuva lot and nothing has worked. The good news is it still works relatively well in safe mode...just without sound, and on 800x600 resolution.

I'm still looking for a way to fix things. Gonna call tech-support tomorrow.

/tj


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
_SOL #2496198 04/08/11 09:44 PM
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Originally Posted by LimboNoMore
..I hope to try to help out some newbies on here if I can and share some of what I have learned through this process. Although the end result was never what I wanted, I do consider myself a MB success story. This site has helped tremendously with my personal recovery, and gave me the best shot at marital recovery. Bottom line is there are things you can do to save a marriage on your own, but it ultimately takes two. There can be no recovery while an active affair is ongoing, and in my case, I was not able to kill the affair despite every effort.

To you newbies who may be reading this, don't be discouraged by my sitch. I believe the majority of troubled marriages on here have some hope and this site and these folks offer the best chance. Do what they say and let go of your fear. Have some patience and perspective and trust these fine folks, but remember there are no guarantees. In my case, I have learned so much about relationships and self-improvement, I know I will be an excellent husband to somebody someday. They helped me to work on myself during my plan A and I know I am a much better person, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually because of it...

Sounds like a success story to me also. Glad you are coming out the other side with your heart and mind intact.


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