I know my story isn't a new one. My husband of 31 years had an affair with a "woman" at his work. We have been separated since December, 2010. He claimed it was over but I found out he never ended it. I have spoken to her several times and she is not a very nice person at all. She cares nothing for our 2 daughters or his 3 grandsons, who he has lost in this process. He is living with my sister and her husband right now, a neutral place, where he claims he can work on himself. He is going to counseling, as am I, not together. We tried that and he lied his way through every session. He says he loves me and his family and knows this is where he belongs, we are the most important things in his life. But this woman is still talking to him at work and he doesn't see anything wrong with it. I am so heartbroke. I have been reading all of Dr. Harleys articles trying to find a way to win him back or at least how to get through the pain. I still love him with all my heart. Even after what he's done to our family. I am fighting for my marriage. We were high school sweethearts and married right after high school. Kinda hard to just throw that away without a fight. So I sit in Limbo! Any suggestions? I am really a mess! My girls think I should be relieved and go on with it. Divorce him and start dating and having fun again. I don't want to do either of these things. Eveyone says hang in there, he loves you, she was a mistake, an infatuation, and he knows it. I'm hanging in there but how long can I hang? How long should I hang?????? Thank you everyone I'm new here. I appreciate any help I can get right now.
Jodi
I forgot to add, hee doesn't want anyone at his work to know about the the affair. He is the Chief Union Steward there and she is a Union Steward. That's how this whole thing started. Do you think I should let his Union boss and others he works for know about this????? His best friend there knows. A few others probably do also. I've been tempted. They frown on fraternization there. Especially the Union Reps.

I would fight the affair by exposing it to everyone. Expose it at work [we have a letter], expose it to all of the OW's family [via facebook - we have a letter] and to all your family members. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposure will ruin it if anything can.

I would read up on this program and start implementing its concepts. Dr Harley would tell you to expose the affair and to go into Plan B, which is a pitch black separation.

Is the OW married? What do you know about this skank ho?

My family, his family, my close friends and a few of his close friends know about it. These are the people he tells he still loves me and how important we are to him. He tells them he doesn't know why he did what he did. He is messed up. I am reading as much as I can on the program. I've read a few of his books also. Dr Harley is amazing. I still have hope. Don't ask me why!! I love him still I guess.

OW is not married but has been married 3 times, cheated on all 3, has a child by her last affair, she's 51! She lost custody of the that child to the father because the skank ho is an alcoholic and has a drug problem. My husband is a dry alcoholic, since December when we separated. She encouraged him to drink. Found his weakness and took advantage of it. Shame on her! She has done this before to other married couples. This is not her first time around the block if you know what I mean. She has broken up marriages then dumped the guy when the game wasn't fun anymore. No morals at all. I've done my homework!

Now what about this letter you mention?

Bump

Jodi, I would send a letter to the director of Human Resources along with a key VP and both their supervisors. It is important to cc each of them on the letter so no one gives into the temptation to throw the letter away. Exposure at work is very effective because it is no fun to have an affair when every one is looking.

I would also find the OW's facebook page, copy and paste all her friends into a word doc and send them a private message. Space the messages out a minute apart so facebook doesn't shut you down for flooding.


FACEBOOK LETTER

Welcome, Jodi. I'm sorry you've had to find your way here under these circumstances, but you'll get a lot of help.

Can you explain what you've done to fight for your marriage? I tried to see that in your post, but it just looks like the only thing that has happened is that your WH moved out.

Does your WH want to come home? Have you done any snooping to find out if the A is continuing?

Oh, I absolutely would expose this to his employer.

Do you think I should let his Union boss and others he works for know about this?????

Rule #1 in fighting a spouse's affair: Whatever THEY want, you want the exact opposite.

- He wants to keep banging his piece in secret - you want it published in the local paper.
- He wants to "crash" at YOUR family members' house - you pull familial rank and have him kicked out on his cheating butt.

Rule #2 in fighting a spouse's affair: Understand that anything truthful out of their mouth is an accident.

- He is currently a "dry" drunk - not with an active alcoholic he's not (at least not for long)
- He wants to "work on himself" - No, he wants to bang scuz-crotch without having to wake up with the skank.

Rule #3 in fighting a spouse's affair: Amateurs know nothing about "good advice" in someone else's (ie: your) affair-wrecked marriage.

- They say "hang in there" - you ask for how long, for what to change?

Lastly, please feel free to show this to your sister:

Milton reserved the 9th level of Hell for the betrayers. NeverGuessed reserves the 10th level of Hell for the enablers of betrayal. Would she like me to book her reservation now?

You must recognize that your WH, as he is right now, would make a terrible H for anyone. You do NOT want to "win" him back. You want to ATTRACT him back into the M. A big difference in how you view YOURSELF.


Fight with a Plan.
Begin with Plan A. Read the carrot/stick link in my sig line.
Ask questions.
Keep to one thread so we can keep up with your progress.



Yes, you are a heartbroken mess.
See your physician and ask if you might need something to help with any symptoms you have. Insomnia. Anxiety. Depression.

You will "hang on" longer with antidepressants and/or anti anxiety medications.


Exposure at work is necessary.

Welcome to MB.
Sorry you need to be here.
YOU will survive this, we promise.
Marriage notwithstanding, YOU will survive this broken heart.

Now, tell us about any financial arrangements you and WH have?

Is WH spending family funds on anything adultery-OW related?
Meals?
Motels?
Gifts?

Thanks for the letters MelodyLane. They are really good. I will seriously think that one over. In all reality, I don't want him to get in trouble at work, that might only hurt me too as he is paying all the bills and I am living in the house, but would love to see her catch some of it. May think on that some more as time goes on.

Maritalbliss, I have been fighting for months. I even asked him to come home, which he did still seeing her btw. I caught them again and asked him to leave, again. But in between, I would express my love and concern for him more. I was more affectionate in the bedroom and out, much easier to do when they are sober. I would initiate talks about things he would want to do together. I would tell him the things he wasn't satifying for me before and he would tell me what he was missing from me so we could work on that. We would talk about how our days went. I would send him texts saying I Love You, thinking about you, can't wait to see you. He would respond in same. I would compromise and actually sit and watch football with him. Just to spend more time together. He would watch my reality shows too. We tried counseling together, seemed to be working, but now I know he lied his way through the whole thing.

My mom passed away in Feb. They were pretty close and he was devistated, just like I was. He was here for me 100% and I for him. That really pissed the Skank off! LOL!

He has not expressed if he wants to come home or not. I know he's "working on himself and trying to figure things out" with a counselor. I think the alcoholism is a factor there. He has said he knows he belongs with his family. That's where his heart belongs. I am willing to date, get to know each other again, before he moves back home. That would be one of my conditions.

I have done alot of snooping. I have cell phone records all the way from August. Texts and phone calls. I blocked her numbers sometime ago and do check the account online everyday. It's been clean since. I know all the numbers I see there. If I don't I look them up. That doesn't mean he hasnt gone out and gotten a throw away phone but I don't think so. He is living at my sisters now. I don't ask. She just tells me everything. I have talked to some of the Skanks exfriends. Got alot of information about her there. They were more than willing to give it up.

Thanks for all the suggestions, you guys! I'm open to more! I'm blessed to have found this forum!

I am living in the house with my youngest daughter. HE is paying all the bills. We agreed that the finances would go on as usual. I buy the groceries and pay my car payment.

I don't know about gifts for the OW. But before I know there was at least one hotel bill, meals, drinks, an inflated cell phone bill, not to mention gas! She lives quite a distance from here. I looked through his check registers and he was getting gas like every 3 days. We've discussed all of this. My guess is that it isn't happening anymore. My sister keeps some pretty tight rules for him. And tells me everything! Times he gets home from work, when he goes to bed, when he leaves for work. That's a great advantage to him living there.

Exposing at work is your best shot at ending this affair. If you don't get this affair ended, you are likely to end up divorced and losing his income, so what will you do about the bills then?

One of them has to leave work, anyway, or the affair will NEVER end! Don't you think your marriage is worth the risk of your husband losing his job? It would be ideal if the skank loses her job and your husband doesn't, but that's not something you can control.

EXPOSE at work!

Get this in writing.
ASK WH to sign a dated agreement.
You are at his mercy without a legal agreement.

EXPOSE at work.

If possible, sneak a GPS on his car.
You buy the GPS.
ASK your sister to place it on his vehicle for you.
LINK to GPS discussion !!!!!!!! READ all about it !!!!

Thank you Pepperband. You guys have been such a great help. All of you. But oh NeverGuessed, you are really bitter! I'm not there yet. I'm still in shock mode. FYI, I am on an antidepressant and Xanax everyday. Helps to keep my mind clear and keeps me focused.

There are several advantages to him living at my sisters. Her and her husband are biased, of course, behind me 100% and love me very much. But also he's been in our family for 35 years. They care about him too. BUT she keeps me informed of what's going on with him. Shes not betraying me at all. In fact, my brother in law talks to H all the time and has told him to straighten up and get his act together or he will have to ask him to leave. There is no betrayal there at all.

Thank you again everyone! I know I will get through this!

Jodi, are you putting together an exposure plan? If so, can you share it with us? It's the most important tool that you have to fight this A...and I don't see that you have said you plan to use it...

I don't think that NG is "bitter" at all.

I see why you would think that there are advantages to your WH living with your sis. My question to you is, "If you get divorced, will he continue to live with your sister?" There needs to be some consequences to his affair. One of those consequences may be that he is homeless. Of course, I wouldn't "encourage" your sister to get him out before you have that signed agreement, as Pep suggested.

Your sister can't possibly know for CERTAIN where your WH is. And most of the "talk" that your BIL is having with WH is most likely having no effect while they are condoning his affair by letting him live with them.

Also, in a few weeks, when you would most likely enter Plan B, you wouldn't want your WH living with your sister or else you wouldn't be able to talk to or see her.

Sorry you are here, and welcome.

Jodi, your sister could show her care by NOT allowing him to flop there. She is, in effect, enabling his bad behavior. That is not "caring." I would ask your sister to give him the boot. He needs to hit bottom if he is going to change. Your sister is preventing him from changing by protecting him from the consequences of his destructive behavior. I am sure they mean well, but they actually harming him and your marriage.

As far as exposing at work, you won't have a marriage anyway unless one of them leaves the job. Will you benefit from that job when you are divorced? Because that is where you are headed right now. Affairs thrive on secrecy so helping the affairees hide their secret fuels the affair.

I am very confused about why you called Neverguessed "bitter?" That was extremely rude and uncalled for and I don't understand why you said that to him when he went to the trouble of posting to you.

You underestimate the craftiness of a wayward, Jodi. Your WH is more than likely getting away with murder while he's staying at your sister's. There is really no advantage to his being there, and having a place to stay where he's not under your scrutiny isn't going to kill this affair.

You're going to need to expose this at his job. I know this is counter-intuitive, but it is a critical step that will be required. My H's affair with his co-worker was exposed at work. End of affair. THAT day.

NeverGuessed isn't bitter. You'll get to know him. That's his posting style, which, I must admit, has me laughing out loud more often than not! (Now don't go thinking you're 'all that,' NG! )

Exposure ended my H's affair THAT DAY.

This is your first step. You do not even have a shot at recovery until you expose.

Do this first. Do this TODAY.