She is not in recovery even if she doesnt talk to him-she looked at his profile. She is still in withdrawal, you were right to be upset. She violated your terms for recovery. Facebook needs to be deleted, computer filters in place to block his name, etc

You set the bar innerstrength, not her. Also you should block the other men she shouldn't be talking to for the cell.

As part of recovery she needs to delete FB. It's completely unacceptable in recovery for her to be looking him up.

She also crossed her own boundaries/EPs by TMing another man. Call SH up and ask for an emergency appointment.

She has set you back to Day 1 with this nonsense.

She doesn't understand transparency yet.

Transparency means, if she wouldn't do it with you sitting right next to her, she shouldn't be doing it, period.


Ask her if she will come and post and admit what she's done. That would be a big step in just compensation for this extra mess she just made.

She needs to cut off all avenues of contact, IS. That means FB is done - have her take her page down.

Good job on texting that idiot in Ark. I would also give his wife a call so she knows what her husband is up to. She needs to know for her own protection, and it will put another set of eyes on him.

Thanks to all of you for your posts I appreciate you taking the time. I did get an emergency appt. with SH and we discussed what steps need to be taken to avoid this situation again. It all comes down to my wife understanding the importance of the NC and the protection plan and following it to the letter. It is the very foundation that our future marriage sits upon. I have sat down with her and gave her this very information. She tells me she has a better understanding of what she has to do. I just hope she follows it!

What does her friend base look like? Did she have a lot of male interaction or a lot of female interaction? My wife had a lot of male interaction which made her pretty comfy interacting with males (she didn't quite understand they aren't being friendly like she as being friendly, they wanted something).

LG, Friend base is good with about all women. My ww never has understood the meaning of why guys are overly friendly--just nice guys she thinks.

Question-What do you do with trickle truths? My ww doesn't come out and tell about certain stuff until I find it out and then she'll be honest about it. I have access to everything but have found some information that she hasn't brought out until I find it. All I want is for her to bring it to me before I find it so it shows me she is capable of such an act (Openess). We can't make any forward progress until she realizes this.

How do you stop getting trickle truth? Ask her to take a polygraph. That way, you can get all of the truth out at once.

Interesting night last night especially after the weekend that I had. The om tried contacting my wife last night by a text. She immediately showed it to me and then deleted it. I didn't know that you could have numbers blocked until recently so I asked her to block his number and she said she would. This is the first time that either has tried contacting since the NC letter was sent. (Other than my wife looking at his picture on facebook this past weekend and then texting another guy who she had a lot of contact with during the affair as well)

I then went into her needing to change her number and get rid of facebook. All of her business goes through this number and I do understand the hesitancy behind her not wanting to but I told her that it was toxic to our marriage and that surely she didn't want to put a phone number and a facebook account over the safety of our marriage. I told her this was non-negoiciable and she told me nobody was going to tell her she had to do something.

Once again I stressed that I can't be in a marriage that she was constantly putting the safety of our marriage at risk by allowing these means of possible communication exist.

She then asked me why do I keep putting myself through this pain and wouldn't it be easier on me if I would leave her. I keep telling her that our marriage means too much to me to give up on and that I love her and want us to have a model marriage.

I ended up leaving and taking a drive around town for about an hour because I was starting to get mad and didn't want to argue about it. When I got back we talked some more and told her that I try to stay calm about all of this but it is very difficult when there is constantly things happening that doesn't allow my mind to calm down. Just when I think I have most everything digested something else comes up. Hopefully I have proved to her that i am willing to go to hell and back for my marriage and my family!!!

I have also tried to get her to start posting again but she feels that she will be jumped all over! I really wish she would.

Input Please!!!!!

Has this woman learned nothing??


See above.


She will absolutely use this against you, (if you were to give any hint of leaning towards leaving the M), and as justification for her wayward actions in the past and here on out.


This is true. She wouldn't be treated delicately, and deservedly so. Your entire report here speaks to a great level of fogginess. I didn't think she was this bad when she was posting. Has there been more contact than just what you've discovered - either between her and the OM or any other men?

I don't usually offer a lot of advice, so someone please correct me if this is wrong. I would recommend you Plan A your tail off, then have a nice, warm, open and honest discussion to revisit the issue of her changing her number, blocking numbers/emails, etc. Hopefully, the fuller her LB$ is, the more receptive to these EPs she will be.

ALL CONTACT MUST STOP, or else she will never come out of the fog.

In other words: she's selfish. (Like all waywards.) As GO said, right now you and the M are just an option. You're meeting some of her needs, which she enjoys (and takes and takes and takes), but she doesn't have the moral fortitude, humility, or plain ol' guts it takes to commit to the M and fixing what she did.

Sometimes it's like this. Fixable, but a prolonged battle. Hard on your LB$, so be careful.

One final thing: are you guys still counseling w/ Steve? How far did your WW get in the 4-step process he laid out for you?

MV
Yes we are! I had an emergency talk with him on Monday about this past weekend. We have another one this coming Wed. Probably won't be pretty for her! We have been through the 4 step process! Steve even told her last week that she needs to take a more proactive role.

What is amazing is that Monday she told me that she now realizes how important all of this is and that she does want to be madly in love with me but for some reason she always has to push it as far as she can before she comes to realize it.

She did handle the text from the POSOM well. If it wasn't for this past weekend I wouldn't of been so pissed about it.

Hey IS,

Tell your wife that though the knocks we give her here may initially suck it makes the praise she gets down the road when she's finally making the right decisions and choices that much better. It's a two way street, absent friends willing to call you out on your mistakes, praise later is empty. 2x4's are not hammers or weapons rather they are building blocks...they are the frame upon which her self-respect will be built later on.

She needs to post again and earn back her self-respect (which she is taking away from herself when she says stuff like "why don't you just divorce me [because I'm worthless and ashamed]".


Mr W <----tired, need bed

Hi everyone,

It has been over 2 weeks since my last post because I needed a break from SAA. Since then things have changed like my ww has blocked the om number and has been more proactive in the EP. We are still counseling with Steve and he has helped me accept that blocking the number and not getting rid of her facebook account is alright as long she is blocking what needs to be blocked and is proactive in her EP's-------Which she is!

We are making baby step progress even my ww has agreed. However last night during our UA she opened up a great deal and has told me how hard withdrawl is going for her-----I believe this is why she quit posting because she had changed her thread from "I can't get the OM out of my head"-to "Almost lost an amazing man"-and I know that she can't get him out of her head!--It has been only 7 weeks yesterday since NC was established and I know we are fresh into this so I can accept those feelings that she is going through.

What is hard for me is that when the A started it wasn't with a co-worker or a friend but a random guy who she meet at our local bar/restaurant. I even meet him that evening and her parents sat with him and his friends. She has told me time and time again that she has never had an instant attraction to anyone like that. Before I got there he was talking about seeing the sights around our small town and she offered to go with-(poor boundry)----------From there he had looked her work number up on the net and called her--she was the only one at work that day (she works with her mom) and that she believes it was divine intervention that they talked and from there she was hooked.

She had only been with him 2 times in the 7 month A and no sex occurred-----My dilemma is that she is so caught up with having those feelings of instant attaction with him that she has never felt for anyone---he never met a single need or anything--just bam she got that feeling and he most of got that vibe so he decided to contact her.

Looking back in our marriage I will agree that I don't think she has ever felt romantic love for me--I have her, but she has not displayed that for me except in the infatuation stage of our relationship-----She knows this and agrees with it and so she has strong doubts that she will be able to feel this way no matter how I meet her needs. I am a competely changed person from where I was pre-A------I am a better husband and person!

I have told her that our marriage is my number 1 priority and that I am not giving up on her------we meet again with Steve tomorrow and he is fully aware of all of this and tells us to follow the instrument-----I do--but she is hesitant and drags her feet.

How long do ww go through withdrawl?? My ww says it has gotten worse since her last posting and that she can't shake it.-----How big of a mountain am I up against???????

I can't get the OM out of my head.... it has gotten worse since her last posting and that she can't shake it.

You started your post 15 March. Stretch123 started his 30 January. Save yourself about a month and a half, and immeasurable pain, and go read his, start to (today's) finish.

Then tell Little Miss "Oh, But I'm on MB" that she's down to her last "I can't help myself!" FB ends TODAY, ALL of it. Re-expose to EVERYONE in her life, including Mommy, coincidentally her co-worker, so you'll save some e-mail efforts. Explain to them that she's only still married because you aren't as nasty an SOB as the person writing this advice note. DO NOT TALK TO HER BEYOND THAT!

She's setting you up, IS, the same way his miserable wretch-of-a-spouse set up S123.

she is proactive in her EP's-------Which she is!

No, which she is NOT, because the typical EP's are completely useless here.

EP's for the typical WH involve not going to bars, or having private lunches with the publically available divorced female co-worker.

EA's for the typical WW are NOT venue- or occasion-stimulated. They are conducted in the MIND! Where/what are her EP's against day-dreaming about OM? What has she committed to do when they begin? And how will you know that she's following through?

(Actually, I have no answer to that except punishing her when/if she gets caught, such punishment being so disastrous that she'd do anything to avoid it. My promised sanction was so extreme it did what was required. You more civilized types are neutered down to threatening divorce - which hurts you in equal amounts.)

She hasn't BEGUN to start her recovery yet. So, I suppose you'll accept the month-and-a-half delay, and start over, telling her this time you REALLY mean it. Hopefully, she'll not be able to keep from laughing, so you'll at least know where you truly stand in her estimation.

But, having done a lot of conferring, and research on this, I've learned of the clinical findings that WW mind is geared to emotional monogamy, even if such is SERIAL monogamy. So until yesterday, given the immediacy of her admitted fixation on OM, SHE DID NOT LOVE YOU. How does THAT make you feel about starting over? NOW TELL HER!!!!!

The OM should be blocked on FB if FB is to be kept, and I would also suggest blocking any and all mutual friends... or, being protective and blocking OM's entire friends list.

If she is to have an account, it should be joint.

First name; John
Middle Name; Builder-Jane
Last Name; Builder

Display name; John Builder-Jane Builder


You should have full access. All casual acquaintances, opposite-sex friends, and coworkers should be removed from your (now joint) friends list, and it should only be used for friends of the marriage and family.

Full privacy lockdown (everything set to "friends only") Block all invites, and e-mail notification for all FB activities.


If she wishes to have it at all, those are the terms.

Withdrawal started over when she was looking at him on FB or however the one-way C was happening.

FB needs to be deleted or like HHH suggested, open up a joint account. You can do it many ways, it's not that hard, there are a few ways to go about it.

I completely disagree with SH on this ~ if this is triggering you and you are not in "enthusiastic agreement" (POJA) then she should not have a FB account, period.

FB could actually be what is keeping her perpetually triggered if this is how they did a fair amount of communicating.

Can you send an email to jharley@marriagebuilders.com and explain this situation to Dr. Harley? He will answer you and I suspect his answer on this will be different than SHs, i.e, follow POJA and if you are not enthusiastic about FB, then it needs to go.