I had a 2 month affair which my H found out about but never confronted me but instead he sat me down and told me he loved me so much that he was willing to let me go so that I could be happy with OM. I left my husband of 20 yrs and 4 children all because this OM told me all the things I longed to hear from my H. I cryed everyday wondering wth I did. H called a week after I left and said he missed me and I told him I missed him. a week after that a light went off in my head and I realized the OM was a monumental mistake and I told him that I never wanted to have contact with him again and I havent even given him a second thought since and I wanted to move back home and my husband told me that I had to confess to my children what I did and get their blessing about coming back home. Did that and they all wanted me back home but he was still having reservations (understadably so)I spend the night there on occasions when he lets me. We get along great but he still doesn't want me to move back yet. As each day goes by I become increasingly depressed. If I could turn back the clock I would have never let myself be vulnerable. I just want my life back. I don't know what to say or do.

I never had withdrall from the OM. I can't even remember what I felt like when I was with OM. I am having terrible pains from not being with my husband and children on a fulltime permanent basis. I hate myself for what I've done to them.

In your last thread you said you were willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes, and you were telling your H this.

Did you ever book an appointment with the Harley coaching centre, as armymama suggested?

Trace, I am so sorry for your poor decisions and for the damage that has been done to your family. Can you ask your husband to come here? We can help.

I asked my husband to take the emotional needs ? and he said he needs to get right in the head before he can figure out what he needs. Yes I have created SO MUCH damage and I will forever regret my terrible decissions and I will devote the rest of my life to making it up to him and the children. I have read the book "surviving an affair" and it was good but he refuses to read or go to counsiling with me. I would love to have counciling myself but I don't have any money which further leads to my depression and anxiety.

I pray everyday that he will take me back. I feel so helpless, hopeless and very insecure.

Call the coaching center (link at the top of the page) and schedule and appt. for YOU, even if your H won't do it. They can help you alone.

It's expensive but not nearly as expensive as a D or worth your mental health. Your children deserve for you to spend this money on your M and your M deserves it as well.

Trace, listen. Ask your husband if he would be willing to talk to some people who have been where he is. Just ASK him that. Tell him you have been here and that there are people here who would love to help. Tell him we would like to help HIM. Not necessarily YOU, right now.

Print this off and show it to him. Tell him we're here and ready to help.

No. I'll tell him, because you're going to print this off:

Trace's Husband, hello. Welcome to the club no one ever wanted to join. We are survivors of adultery. We've been where you are. Would you like to talk with us?

You said fog is an understatement? I say you were in the thick of it when you put this other man on a pedestal and abandoned your children and husband.

Um. She knows that, CAG. But thank you for underscoring her feelings.

You are getting great advice from many good posters, Trace. I just wanted to add that you may want to consider seeing your dr for ADs if you are depressed. My H needed them after dday. Hang in there...

This doesn't move us forward. She's acknowledged a mistake and wants her H back.

Is the OM completely out of the picture?

The OM is 100% out of the picture. I havent given him a second thought. thats why I can't even fathom why I did what I did. Another thing that adds to my insaneness is that my husband filed for D 1 week after I left. I felt so ashamed at what I had done and felt he wasn't going to take me back and didn't have a dime so I let him take care of everything and he gave me $6000 cash and 2 cars in the D. I was scared and partly nieve so I accepted. what person walks away from a beautiful family, home with basically nothing? someone who is NOT in their right mind was the point I was trying to make. I just wish I had talked to someone before all of this had to come to this. My only goal/mission is to make this up to my family now. Some days are better than others. We live in a small town where everybody knows everybodys business. My H and I do well for a few days then someone will come up to him and put their 2cents in and then he has a hard time again. I don't know if he will ever take me back but I will die trying.

Trace,
That attitude is a good one that you will die trying, this is all you can do, you have to slowly rebuild your relationship with your husband and show humility, remorse, regret and always be loving and thoughtful. You apologize every day if you have to.....slowly he will come around, this is long slow road, so buckle up and adopt the attitude that you will do whatever you have to however long you have to, you will do it with a smile on your face..........
People make mistakes it's what you do after that tells the true story of their renewed character.......
jessi

Trace: I want to tell you how much I admire you. I want to tell you that I believe if you stay on the path being suggested to you that there is hope. In your case the short time it took to become wayward will lead to years of recovery.... But there is every reason to believe it will happen.
As a betrayed husband with a wayward wife I can tell you that you have taken the biggest steps. But it is a marathon and not a sprint. Its not just the ego hit your husband feels. Its not just the moral let down. Its not just the grief and pain. Its large amounts of fear, uncontrolable fear. Its anger and disappointment. Its moments of compassion and understanding overshadowed by enormous psychic pain. Its taking you off a pedestal and that means your husban has to live without the pride he always had in you.
And all those negative emotions and pain surge through him and he has no way out of it and even reading that marriages can be healed sounds impossible.
For me, fI experienced a D-day of April 26th 2009 and a second D-Day of October 15 2009 and our Anniversary of January 31, 2010 when the first D-day was admitted and even now no admission of the 2nd affair....
For the past two days I have not felt the enormous hurt. Two days of relief since April 26th 2009! Two days when I wasn't in either total pain or numb.
Several months recently I was sure I did not love my wife anymore. This morning I felt something....
Your husband is wounded. You understand that. What you may not understand is that your patience is the key.
I wouldn't look at it that you will die trying to recover. I would look at it that you will live to heal your husband.
I wish you were my wife... repentent and trying. But this is a long road compared to the merciful short period of time you abandoned your husband. Your insight into you is important. Your empathy for your husband is equally important. If you stay the course here and don't allow your impatience to drive you too far, I believe the time will come.
I have a largely unrepentent wife who will not come clean. But almost two years later, I have had two good days when I was not in pain.
I will pray for you both today. I feel sorry for you both. I care aboutl you both.

Blessings
Hurting Turkey
ME: BH age 56 Recovering Verbal Abuser
SHE:WW age 49
Married 13 years
Hers: 22 and 18 years
Mine: 30, 28 and 22 years
Ours: 11 years
She still won't admit A despite overwhelming evidence
Considered Plan B but was told not to by Steve H. since A is over
Grateful for the people on this board (even though they tire of telling me what I don't want to hear!)

If you don't know why you chose MM; if you don't know why you chose to instantly accept the divorce offerings; if you can only say that you were out of your mind and insane .. . then your husband should probably divorce you since he can't be assured that it will never happen again. As soon as he turns his back you can go insane again and make uncontrollable choices to cheat on him, perhaps even bringing a disease home to him. You won't be able to say and do things that assure him you will never cheat again because you have this problem with insanity you see.

I hope you get my sarcastic point and try another approach. I wish you well.

Sorry, haven't been on in awhile. I wanted to thank hurtingturkey for sharing. I appreciate your take on how I should "live" to heal my husband. I wish I had something profound to say to you in regards to your situation. The only thing I will say is that I will pray for you and your wife and that I truly hope the best for you both.