I will try to be brief. Wife and I seperated in October. I moved out thinking I was doing the right thing for wife and daughter. The separation was due to the "I'm in love with you but not in love with you" speech and she needed time to think. It was also amplified by my pornography addiction and her finding out that it was continuing.

So I move out, then back in temporarily because the people I stayed with only allowed me a few days. During my brief stint back, I discovered signs of her infidelity. I found text messages. I found dating website correspondences to several guys. I found phone calls to and from men on the site. I confronted and exposed. I called one guy from the website and told him she was still married. He quickly stopped communicating with her and she filed for divorce the next day. I got no support from anyone. Her mother said this is just what happens. Her dad's reply was "How did you find out?".

I told our pastor and he said he couldn't make her come back to me, but i was wanting him to address the other stuff. I knew he couldn't make her come back, but I also knew that with all the lying and deciet and adultery and everything else, she was at least in a backslidden condition. I felt he should at least point those things out to her, but he wouldn't. So I left the church feeling that if our pastor couldn't take a stand against what was wrong then I was at the wrong place. I know he may not have been successful in changing her mind, but he would have at least let her know the biblical consequences of her actions especially since she holds a position in the church but very rarely comes anymore.

Anyways, I've done all that I know I can do, I suppose and am now in Plan B. I sent her the letter via email, which is also the only form of communication I will accept due to our daughter. She quickly responded and continues to maintain that she needs the divorce to be happy.

I accept that I am half to blame for my marriage problems. I've spent the last 5+ months going to counseling, reading books, educating myself about relationships, and anything in between. I've made GREAT progress with the porn issue and I continue to make changes. Unfortunately, many of the changes I needed to make are not ones that i can show her from a distance.

I don't know what else I can do.

Mark, are you married? If so, how long married? How old is your daughter and are you still paying your W's bills?

Yes. Been married for 10 years. Our daughter is 7 yrs old.

No, I am not paying her bills. The situation is kind of different. I eventually found an apartment in November and signed 6 month lease. I know that was the worst thing I could have ever done but I didn't know half as much then as I know now. She then decided to move out of our marital home since it was only in my name, stating that she would stick me with the financial responsibility and that it was the only way she could be free to do what she wanted.

Is there a specific reason you want to go into Plan B now? Are you worn out from Plan A?

I don't really know what else to do. She is still doing the same things she was doing, although I'm not sure to what extent. I do know she's still on dating websites. I believe she's been dating. No one has expressed to her that what shes doing is wrong. Not her mother. Not her father. What else can I do. Isn't plan b for the purpose of helping me heal? Isn't it supposed to let her really feel what its like to not have me in her life since that's the way she seems to feel?

I am really torn on what to tell you, Mark, and I think you should email Dr Harley and see what he thinks. [it is free - just email the radio show and Joyce will read your email to Dr Harley] On one hand, I think it might be too soon to go into Plan B. I just think you might have a better chance of pulling this out if you stayed in Plan A. She will get sick of the player lifestyle soon enough and when that happens, you would have a chance to pull this out.

You said earlier she filed for divorce. When is your divorce final?

Don't really know. We've already been to what was supposed to be the final hearing but since we didn't agree on the details, the judge ordered us to mediation. I'm not sure when that will happen either. It costs $220/hr and we're supposed to split the cost. I'm so behind on everything else right now, i don't know when I will have the money. My financial situation is another long story.

You said to email Dr. Harley. What do I tell him? There are so many details. I'm afraid to be too short and too long at the same time. I want him to get the total picture.

Tell him what you said in your post on this thread, but add some pertinent facts such as how long married, age of your child and mention the fact that your W filed for divorce when you exposed her affair. Joyce will probably ask you to call in so Dr Harley can ask you more questions. He has an uncanny knack for quickly getting to the crux of the situation.

Okay. Composing the email now.

What is it that causes you to think it's too soon to go Plan B? How can an extended Plan A work while we are separated like we are?

Plan A isn't as effective while the couple is separated BUT it can somewhat easier emotionally for the BS.

Let's get some advice from DrH, and then you can know what direction you need to move in.

The purpose of Plan B is to protect the BS from the affair. If you are not suffering physical/emotional symptoms from her affair, then you might want to stay in Plan A and look for opportunities to win her back. Dr H tells men to stay in Plan A as long as possible because they often able to win their wives back when the affair[s] fall apart. The wild card in your situation is that this is not just one affair, but an adulterous way of life. That is why I think you should get Dr H's feedback.

Since the final hearing wasn't the final hearing, some emotions that I'd thought had been overcome came back. I went from having accepted that on March 11th, I would be no longer married. I came out of the court room that day happy and somewhat confused. I began to worry again about who she's with and what she's doing. I had stopped doing that. I don't really do it much anymore since a few weeks have now passed and my emotions have now settled but I am now bothered, again, that our pastor wouldn't at least address it knowing everything that she's been doing (I told him and showed him proof), whether she heeds his input or not. I'm bothered because I know that her mother has been enabling her because she watches our daughter while my wife goes out and does who knows what. I don't really know if she has or hasn't connected with someone from the site or otherwise, but I do know that as of about 2 weeks ago, she was still going there daily.

I don't know if the fact that she is actively pursuing a new relationship is good or bad. It may be bad in the sense that she is totally over us and wants to move on. It may be good in a sense that this is just not they type of behavior of someone, in my opinion, who is in touch with reality and really wants to allow themself the adaquate time to heal from a 11+ year relationship before pursuing another. I do know that whatever it is, it is still the wrong way to do it when you are still married.

For all you veterans, while I wait on a response for Dr. Harley, what type of suggestions do you have? What can I do while separated that could possible benefit me in my effort and desire to pull my marriage out of the trash heap? I will say that she has pretty much stated repeatedly that she doesn't want to work on the marriage.

I told her months ago that I understand my mistakes and have worked on most of them and continue to do so. I told her that we could be happy together again. And I now know I probably shouldn't have said this, but I told her that I could make her happy. Her reply was, "I know you can, but I don't want you to."
This is another sign, to me, that some of her needs are being met somewhere else, thus she has no desire for me to meet them.

It's quite difficult for me to talk to her in any fashion because she always finds a reason to try to divert the attention and blame for her mistakes to me. For example, I asked her at the beginning that if she wanted the divorce, then that's fine. I asked her to just honor the marriage by refraining from all of the other activities until we are divorced. I said because as a married woman, presenting yourself on a dating website as single, texting other guys, etc. is wrong. Her response was that the way I treated her during our marriage was wrong. Understand that I've never not accepted my responsibility for where our marriage is, but she refuses to take any.

I just don't know what can be done. Any suggestions would be helpful.

I would look for openings and when you have one, be as pleasant as possible. Send her a birthday card or a "thinking of you" card.

Dr. H knows best, but you should read his Surviving An Affair, an updated version preferably. In that book he implicitly recommends that a BS write letters to a WS. He writes that he counseled the BS, John, to write letters to his WW about "what he had learned and what he would like to do to resolve their problems. These letters allowed John to think through his own thoughts so that he would accurately convey his feelings without expressing anger, disrespect, or demands." I wrote letters to my WW and although it did not win her back to me, I have no regrets about failing to take this step.

You should also read his book Love Busters. It showed me some of the things I had done wrong in my marriage.

If you had a problem with porn, this suggests to me that you failed to communicate with your wife your sexual needs and don't count your blessings in life. I know; I had similar problems. Are you taking concrete steps to rid yourself of this habit?

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

Yes, I've written a couple of letters. Here is a small exert from one:

I�m sorry for being so unwilling to truly open up to you. That�s not your fault. It�s not your fault that I felt so alone for years that I learned to hold my emotions in because I felt as if no one cared enough to listen. It�s not your fault that I was unable to see how the first 24 years of my life had so negatively affected me to the point that it became a problem in my marriage. It is something that I�ve recognized and another way that I�ve vowed to make a change. Transparency and vulnerability. That�s what I�ve learned are so important. Transparency to the point of letting your spouse know all of your inner thoughts and feelings. Transparency to the point of not feeling threatened or afraid at what your spouse may think about your feelings. Vulnerability to the point of being able to say what you feel and crying if you have to so that your heart is openly exposed. Those are the things that I�ve learned. I didn�t fully understand then how I was trying to force you to be like me, cold and callused to the struggles of life. That I guess is what I was trying to do by not allowing you to express your hurts to me. That�s what I was trying to when I wouldn�t let you tell me about your problems at work. That�s what I was trying to do when I wouldn't allow you to cry on my shoulder when you needed to. Life had made me so cold and calloused that I tried to make you the same way. I fully understand now what I was doing and I�M SORRY.

This was in response to a letter she sent me back in February explaining why we had to get a divorce. Obviously she did nothing but point out a lot of issues we had. She brought up things from 8 or 9 years ago. I didn't try to explain away all her complaints. I just wanted to really express myself, which I did.

Yes, I've been in counseling since October for my "problem" and while I can't say that it has been totally removed, I can count the # of times I've actually viewed it in the past 6 months. For me, that is good. I do understand that I'm not totally there yet, but I've made great progress and will continue to do so. These forums have been a great replacement as well as utilizing prayer and bible study.

Still nothing yet from Dr. Harley. How long does it usually take? I've actually emailed twice. One to the generic radio show address and one to jharley's.

Is anyone willing to give me advice? I would appreciate anything that might help me. Someone said that it was too soon for Plan B. I've emailed Dr. Harley twice and I'm waiting for a response. Until then, can someone give me any type of guidance?

If it is too early for you to be in Plan B, then my advice would be to be in Plan A.

Have you identified your WW's top 5 ENs? Have you identified the LBs that you have been committing? Do you have anyway of being able to meet your WW's ENs tomorrow? How are you going to stop committing those LBs?

While you are in Plan A, you also need to be planning for Plan B. I am sorry, I do not remember all details of your sitch. Have you gone to a lawyer to see what you can expect legally?

Have you read up everything you can on the carrot and stick of Plan A? When in Plan A, it is important to understand that it is about doing this with NO EXPECTATIONS. If you do something, you do it because it is something that you would do as a good husband. You don't do it and think, "My WW will do this...." If you do Plan A with any expectations, you will get drained very easily.

Are you taking care of yourself? Getting exercise? Eating? Sleeping? Doing things that are not harmful to expend your anger and hurt feelings? It will be hard to keep your Taker at bay, but a great Plan A demands that you do just that. Any questions?