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Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 1
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 1 |
Hello everyone,
As my name says, that's where I am right now. My husband and I are supposed to be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary this coming June and I'm not sure we are going to make it.
Through out our marriage my husband has been having internet affairs that also extend to phone calls. I just recently found out that one affair has been going on our entire marriage.
Through my own detective work, I found out about a facebook page he created which in my opinion is like his alter-ego's facebook page. He's single and successful and looking for love. I've read all the conversations and from what I can ascertain, he has never met with anyone in our six years of marriage, but he has told several women he is "in love" with them.
He is very much aware that he has been exposed and now just walks around looking depressed. I can barely look at him.
We always promised that divorce was never an option for us, but after all that I have learned about the number of women he flirts with online and speak to on the phone...I just don't know what to do.
I love my husband so much, but I'm so angry, hurt, and disappointed, I can't even see 15 minutes into the future, so thinking about the future of my marriage makes my head hurt.
Any advice is appreciated.
Thanks
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
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Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
Very sorry you've had cause to find your way here, H&H.
It's kind of slow here on weekends sometimes, so hang in there & some good advice will be on the way eventually.
There are so many issues to unwrap here, I don't know where to start, so let me ask you a few questions that may give people a better idea about your situation:
1--How long have you known about his online affairs & about his phone calls with these other women?
2--What is his reaction to your having learned this info? How does he say he feels toward your marriage?
3--Do you have children?
4--When you say "now that he has been exposed", what do you mean by this? Are you the only other person who knows? If so, that is not typically adequate exposure. Do relatives of these other women know? A message out to everyone who sees his Facebook pages(s) would be an excellent start.
Believe nothing he tells you at this point. He clearly has been going out of his way for a long time to deceive you, and at a time like this, where one of the main instincts may be for him to try to "cover his butt" and/or (as he may see it) to "avoid hurting you further", you cannot afford to take his word on anything. You may need to get him to take a polygraph before you begin to feel you have the whole picture.
If your husband is serious about wanting to save your marriage, he is going to have to completely change a many years-long pattern of addictive behavior. He has been allowing these other women to meet needs of his that he should only allow you to meet, and he seems to be addicted to the attention he gets from them. To make this change, he is going to have to accept the need to become & remain completely transparent about his life. He will have to have no Facebook (either his "alter ego" or his "real-life" self), no secret e-mail accounts, no secret cellphones, no e-mails or cellphones that you do not have passwords to, no unaccounted-for time, no friendships with other women. That is the only way he is going to be able to help you feel safe around him. Anything less than complete transparency on his part will be just wasting time before the divorce proceedings start, because semi-transparency in a case like this won't work -- it'll be like trying to fix an alcoholic by giving him his liquor in smaller glasses.
I got into an affair with a real-life acquaintance, but the online-aspect is all a part of the whole -- it's where relationships can start and/or start to cross proper boundaries, as your husband's online relationships have.
If you choose to try to save the marriage, please accept no compromise, no attempts by him to negotiate his way out of transparency. He will either give it to you, or he won't.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
I just recently found out that one affair has been going on our entire marriage. You probably can get an annulment. This was never a marriage. There was intentional fraud from the get-go. Speak to a family law attorney to inquire about annulment in your state. I'm sorry. Love without respect is never enough.
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