Good morning everyone. I have veery little time so i have to be short. I am a new member, however been a lurker for a long time, just reading and learning.

There has not been any infidelity - that i know of - yet. I am just beginning to lose trust. First about us: we are one of those almost perfect couples. We have been together for 5 years, married for 3, with a 2 year old daughter. We love each other and i do believe he loves me. He tells me and shows me a hundred times a day. He is a great husband and dad, we have no conflicts, we communicate very well, whatever issue there is will be calmly talked about. We have been applying the MB concepts instinctively. He doesn't know this website.

Anyway, he travels for work, not often, but not seldom eithere. He is now very far away and last night we talked briefly on the phone then said he was going to bed as he was one hour ahead. So i wanted to check something in his email and to make a long story short i ran into an email conversation between my husband and a work colleague. I was reading the emails in real time. E conversation was borderline inappropriate. Or inappropriate. She sent him some innocent pictures of herself, all the time saying how she is not feeling veery well in her skin and my husband was paying here polite compliments in return. Then she asked whether he knew her favorite photo - how would he have? He said no, can he see it? Then she said something like " i can't send it to you, you are married and i can't send you a picture where you can see things" so my husband pushed and she complied. Sent a sexy picture, not very revealing, but you know ... One of those photoshooting things. Ufffff .... They exchanged a few more emails then went to bed.

So, i have a problem with this. Obviously. It's very inappropriate an exchange like that between work colleagues. And we all know where that may lead down the road. With this one or another one.

He was being very careful, instantly deleting the emails, but i copied evything, picture included, in a word doc. I got lucky i guess to be ther as it happened. So, the question is what to do? I haven't answered his calls today and felt like sending him a picture of my middle finger and ask whether my behind looks big and whether i have a doubble chin from this angle. I want to confront him, but if i do, he will know how i know. So far all passwords and computers kare open, just the work laptop is not.

Damn, i just don't want to have to worry about things lioke this everytime we are not together. This thing from last night has caused a huge withdrawal from my love bank. Anyway, i have nothing to expose to anyone, as there hasn't been anything more than that. Should i nlow sit and wait and play detective till something happens? Do you think i can talk to him about it? Sure i am worried that he will learn to hide bettere, but to be honest he won't be able to hide stuff from me for too long. I have a great intuition and i can find things.

I have to run now, i will come back with details if needed. Please do offer an oppinion if you have time and excuse the misspellings, it't the ipad keyboard that sucks.

I believe this is an type of affair, you need to confront him before they are romantically involved. It is very inappropriate to ask or try to coerce anyone to send naughty pictures.

I would expose this to her family and yours.. Do it in one day and ask for yheir support in getying him to stop and work on your marriage!

I disagree. I think you should keep snooping. You should also study plan A and plan B on this site and read like crazy to act as though it IS a full blown affair until you can fully attack the assault (whether it is just starting or more full blown).

Others will probably chime in but my thoughts are it WILL go deeper underground if you confront now.

That'll just make you more vulnerable to being betrayed further.

I only want to add one thing to this awesome post. Your H will also need to get a new job where he doesn't spend any nights away from you.

Ok, I am a victim of EAs 3 x myself so I dont take this kind of behavior lightly. But of course you may be dealing with a PA.
First STOP and take a few deep breaths to calm yourself. We need to prepare a battle plan for what may be a war. This must be done with rational , calm thinking. (yes I know hard to do)
Next moves for you is to ACT NORMAL. This is an affair and depending on your definition its infidelity.
Now on to super sleuth (snooping and gathering Intel)
1) keylogger program on all PC's even Work one if you can access it.
2) What kind of cell phone? Work? Personal? Many of todays smart phones can be a myriad of tools for you. Relaying text, emails, GPS and a call logs to a internet site for your review.
Or hire a PI.

I am so sorry you have found us but you are at the right place. This could possibly be a war so prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best ;)But from your description its most definitely a EA.

You are getting excellent advice. Please pay them your full attention.

Sorry, Nanas. I just had to laugh at that. It's good that you've got a sense of humor! That will help you get through this.

It looks like you have stumbled on the beginnings of an EA between your H and this woman. I would quietly snoop and see just how involved it is. You don't want to say anything to your H right now, hard though that may be.

Be your sweetest self to him and get snooping. A keylogger should be your first order of business. Go to www.spectorpro.com and get the eblaster.

Hi guys and thank you for the advice so far.

No, i can't act as if it is a full blown affair, because it isn't. It doesn't even sound as an EA. But i know it can get there. Yes, i knew from reading here that some would advise to wait and act normal. But i don't want to wait for it to become one. If it does, i'm walking.

For the snooping. The is transparence. I have full access to all his accounts and emails and everything. Not the work laptop and no, that is not touchable. It would be highly illegal to install keylogger on it and i am not going to do it. Same goes for the cell. It's work cell and not a smart phone and i can't touch it.

No, changing jobs is not going to happen either. Not for something that has not happened yet. He will spend nights away and i will too. But changing jobs is not a question, he is so specialized that there are basically no other jobs for him. And i don't want to tie him to the bedpost. He is hardly ever away from home outside of work program, doesn't even go for a beer with friends. Wedo everything together, we sail, we hunt, we love to spend time together. My guess is that this was just killing time out of boredom and he doesn't even think he has done something wrong. I have to say, the dialogue didn't go sexual for a second. But it could eventually. So he has a problem with his boundary. Basically i want him to stop and if he doesn't i'm packing up. So i have to talk to him about it, otherwise he won't know what is wrong. I think he could go underground if i confront him, but i think i can also catch him. Also, as calm as i am, i cannot hold this in. It will affect my health and also my love for him. He needs to know that i am losing love for him and choose. And if he is willing to risk his family, then i am going to walk beforehand. Then he is really not worth the fight.

Now how should i approach the subject if i talk to him? Or is evereyone of the oppinion that i should play normal and let this grow potentially to the point of no return?

I understand how you feel - it's very hard to keep quiet about something like this! It's your call, Nanas. And confronting him might work for you, especially if there's been no real investment of time for them.

Be careful not to flag him with your knowledge so that he goes underground. That's the main problem with early confrontation.

I would strongly suggest you reconsider the traveling jobs. This is an affair waiting to happen. This precaution is not something that applies to marriages where there has been an affair, but to marriages that want to PREVENT an affair. It most certainly can and probably will happen to your marriage. Traveling jobs are an invitation to an affair. We see them here every day.

You can see with you own eyes that your husband is headed that way.

So, if your marriage is important you, why wouldn't you want to protect it from that? Even great marriages are at risk when it comes to travel.

here

Thats like saying I won't stop playing chicken because I haven't been hit by a car yet. Think on that...

And let's consider how this will play out. You confront your husband, which is the right thing to do. But since he is traveling away from you, he will have scads of opportunities to stay in contact with her and you will be no wiser. When you confront him he will have an idea of how you are spying so he can avoid that in the future.

He can easily find another way to communicate, whether it be via his work laptop or his work cellphone. Does he have an Ipad?

The biggest problem I see here is that you are relying on his will power and good faith, none of which prevent affairs.

I know Melody, you are right. But this woman is located here, where i am, not where he is.

Yes, i know that nights away are invitations for affair. But the thing is, if i can say no to an opportunity, and i am also sometimes away, then i want a man who can do the same. If i can't have that in him, then i don't want him at all.

So you think that confronting him will 'make' him stay faithful? I'm not sure I understand your logic.

What can i say, if i have to see him 24/7 to be able to stay married to him, then i am not sure that is what i want. That is the problem with the snooping too. I don't want to have to do it. It's too much stress. And i don't deserve this.

No, i can't act as if it is a full blown affair, because it isn't. It doesn't even sound as an EA.

Right Brain: Hmm... How about this: In the context of marital infidelity, an affair is however the offended spouse defines it.

Your Husbands relationship with his co-worker probably began with ordinary conversation about work-related issues that developed into intimate conversation when they talked about their personal problems. It was probably very innocent at first, because neither understood that they were making massive deposits into each other's Love Banks. But before long, those deposits triggered intense feelings of love that they communicated to each other, and the rest is history.

We all have to label them the way we want to. Most dont want to label them as a EA but more as an inappropriate friendship or whatever. Thats your call and I certainly understand. My wifes communication wasn't sexual either. But her actions caused me pain. So In my opinion she engaged in a EA simply by talking with OM about something she would talk to a girlfriend about. To me its unacceptable. It certainly damaged the M.And its usually the first step to a full blown PA.

Marital, i don't know. It might open his eyes to the choices he has. If he truly loves us, then he will have to adopt some stronger boundaries around women. If not, then he will have to travel 8000 miles to see his kids.

By the way, is there anyway that i can get a post-nup to stipulate that if we divorce on adultery grounds i can take the kids out of the country so i can go home with them? I don't want to get stuck here.

I forgot to say that he is worried and knows something is wrong. Has called 15 times today. I sent him an sms to let him know we are alive and i wished him a good day. No love you. It's the first time. I think he got his mother to call me. We just chatted for a while like all is spiffing. I have no problem disclosing to his parents of you guys think i should.

I just don't know how to do this, but i know i won't be able to play nice. I am always in plan A because i love him. I meet all his needs and then some.

Everything you are saying about your husband's contact with another woman sure looks like the start of a relationship that shouldn't be in his life.......but he is letting it happen and seems to be a willing participant.........
This is so classic and so is your thinking.......what are you just going to let it happen.........think about how much pain you will be in if you just sit back and let that relationship ruin your life and your kids lives...........that is not good enough on your part......you need to fight for what is yours,
Now Melody lane is an expert in what a good plan is you need to listen to her and follow the plan............if you want your life to remain yours.......you can survive this even a full fledged affair.........if you fight for what is yours.......
Listen to her, get your plan together, be calm and collected. and save what is yours.................
jessi

BUT..........he is away from you and free to contact her. That is the point.


Nanas, you are the kind of person who usually does have affairs and let me explain why. You are so sure you it wouldn't happen to you that, as a result, you don't take precautions. That is exactly how affairs start. It is your false feeling of immunity that makes you vulnerable.

Wouldn't it be wiser to just remove the opportunities? If you don't want to get hit by a car, wouldn't it make more sense to get out of the road, instead of hoping that you are a better chicken player? I am here to tell you that will power does not prevent affairs. Good people - most of whom say "I would never have an affair!!" - have affairs when they don't take precautions to avoid it.

I am sure your H is a great guy who would never dream of committing adultery. But under the right conditions, he would.