I agree it is very stressful. But, If your H were home with you every night you wouldn't have to snoop. He would be right there. With your current set up you really do have to snoop all the time because, as you can see, your marriage is at risk. So, if you don't like snooping and all that, why not set up a situation where it is almost impossible to cheat?

Melody, i do agree with you. But what about work? Would you advise he quit work and stay home? How can i control what happens at work? If need be, hypothetically this could happen during the work program. He could make it happen if he wanted to. I cannot have control over every second of his life and i don't want to. Away from home or not, i would still worry, because now i know.

How do you get them to strengthen their boundaries? I for example don't flirt. And believe me, i am attractive and turn plenty of heads.

I have to go, the little one is crying for me to go play.

You tell me. Is his career a threat to your marriage even when he is in town? You will have to answer that. If it is, then wouldn't the solution be to get another job?

An office affair is a real risk but it much harder to hide when one is not traveling, because it would be harder to conduct after hours. On the other hand, it is real easy to conduct an affair when one is traveling.

The other problem with traveling jobs is that if you are not meeting each others needs on a daily basis, it erodes the romantic love in a marriage and leaves the other person vulnerable to an interloper that does meet a top need. If you aren't meeting each others needs with 15+ hours of undivided attention weekly, you will fall out of love eventually. When a couple gets married, they stay in love about for 5 years and then it wears off unless they are spending UA time every week. That can't be done on a consistent basis if one is out of town.

You are saying that you would worry if your husband was in the same room with you? And spending the night with you?

Obviously HE thinks it was wrong if he was being "very careful" and deleting the emails.

My divorce was recently final, so I am very cynical about this stuff. But, to me, this looks like a guy who has already had an affair or who is thinking seriously about having one. If it was all innocent flirtation, he wouldn't be nearly that careful.

You said this lady is a coworker? It would best that he leave the job anyway. This IS an EA in the early stages and his spending any more time around her is a danger to your M.

You are lucky to have caught this early on so that he isn't too entrenched in the EA...but as Mel is trying to emphasize to you, you two MUST change the conditions that led to this. Absolutely traveling has to change. My H had one A while away and we don't travel overnight from each other, period.

You are not cynical, you are realistic because you are familiar with the signs. I can guarantee you that he is thinking about the OW today. He crossed an invisible little line last night and is now thinking how far he can or should go. He is probably thinking how much fun it would be to communicate with this woman and is it harmless or not? He might decide it is harmless and won't hurt his wife if she doesn't know.

Affairs are much like a frog in boiling water. They usually start small and very gradually warm up.

I guess you have a point there. I can demand no more travelling. He will probably agree. But what about his disposition of going into these types of inappropriate conversations with othere women. Melody, you asked about a different job. Well, i don't know one that would not include having women around. Not even astronaut unfortunately, besides Nasa won't have him, he's not of the right citizenship.

He is a dream man, yes he is. And i think he wouldn't think of having an affair now. But what about when we get a second kid? What about when he might feel a bit neglected, when i'm having a bad day, not having slept the night and having too many balls in the air? That will happen, we will have those days. And that is when these semi-innocent talks will turn serious. I have seen it happen to too many around.

He called me. I picked up. He is panicked. Asked me what is wrong, what is it, what did he do? I told him i have to think about some choices i have to make, since i cannot control his choices. He insists on talking tonight. I don't want to have this conversation over the phone. I told him i will see if i feel like talking to him.

If he loses sleep that is fine with me, i certainly am because of him. I wish i could play "nothing is wrong" but i can't. He knows me too well, he would have picked it up anyway.

So Melody, you are saying we're about nearing our honeymoon? That is an interesting point. We do however spend the 15 hours together and more than that. Even when he is away, he is not gone for that long.

I need to think what emotional need i am possibly not meeting right now. We used to be in love long distance, that is how we started. We know how to do this, guess we should just try doing that again.

Yes Melody, i agree, so why not confront him then? What more evidence do i need? I don't want it to get to the piint where i actually do have something to expose. I don't want to have more evidence. There is nothing else right now. Running into this was not accidental, i have been wondering about some emails and have been watching him.

For men its usually SF and Admiration but we are all different. Let me assure you this is typical behavior of a Man contemplating if not already in a EA or PA. Im sorry to say it but as the old saying goes if it waddles, has feathers, quacks and has web feet its a duck.

I am not arguing. If i weren't worried, i wouldn't be here. Now my question is not whether he is contemplating but rather how do i confront him? I don't really want to give him the details.

You are/were seeing red flags and you snooped. Good. This however, is the EXACT reason you were advised to keep it to yourself for a while and see if there is more to it. I agree with others that his actions indicate he has done this before or is further along in the inappropriate relationship than you know.

Your husband would not be the first 'perfect, dreamlike man' to be living a double life and/or having an affair.

And his panic at your aloof behavior today. Asking you what he did? I think he has much more to hide than you know.

Does anyone know anything with reference to my question about a post-nup? Would it be enforceable?

If a marriage is in serious trouble, Dr Harley recommends they start a business together or find some solution where they are together all the time. Many couples do this. In this situation, it is clear he has very inappropriate boundaries with women and that needs to be addressed. The big issue I see here is that they work together so she is free to pursue him at work. And it is clear she is in pursuit. She is a skank. If it were *ME* she would be getting a little visit from me.


Yes, that is when affairs often happen. The solution is two fold: remove as much opportunity as possible [eliminate overnight travel and stop this inappropriate communication with females], and protect the romantic love in your marriage. Every marriage has tough times and the solution is to protect the love in your marriage [15+ hours of UA attention] and to affair proof your marriage by avoiding travel situations. You have already seen that travel is a risk and you are still in love. Doesn't it stand to reason that you would remove that risk?


You are not doing that consistently if he is traveling. And when I say UA time, I mean without kids, TV, etc. It is very hard to maintain the love in a marriage when one travels. And when you get back together, are there dust ups for the first couple of days until you get used to being with each other again? In order to be effective, EN's have to be met on a consistent daily basis.

When my H and I relocated to another town in 2007, I would hotel it in the new town for 3 days out of every week. It was so hard on our GREAT MARRIAGE, that we ended that practice real quick. It was horrible. It would take 2-3 days just to get used to each other again.


If you can figure out how to do this, please email Dr Harley and let him know. He has searched and searched for a way to make long distance marriages retain the romantic love and has yet to find it. I think he finally concluded it is not possible. Some representatives from the military even contacted him for help because of the epidemic of affairs and divorces amongst military marriages. That is because long distance precludes real intimacy. Conversation - the one need being met long distance - can only take you so far. There is no replacement for the affection and sexual fulfillment that comes from being together.

So, if you do know how to do this, please contact Dr Harley so he can roll out your methods to others. Be forewarned though, that his first question is going to be: do you have a great marriage?

I personally would confront him BUT I would get snooping set up FIRST ~ keylogger, flexispy, possibly GPS, etc.

Thank you all. I have to go swallow all this.

I unfortunately can't keep it to myself. I wish i could.

Thank you all for your time, i really am trying to listen to you.

Then don't give him details. Tell him you are aware he is crossing boundaries. Tell him you don't want to tell him what you know or who told you because you might need that informant at a later time. (that will freak him out because he will be wondering who told you...I made my XH think that his skank had told her friends and her friends told me).

As a woman who was married to a LIAR for 26 years, I can tell you that I really never knew him until I installed a keylogger on his computer and discovered his multiple affairs. Smartest thing I ever did. Was advised to do it by this board.

Listen to them.

Nanas where are you, USA? I have DA that maybe I can the ask post-nup question too.But to be honest my guts says 2 things. He wouldn't sign it if it was created, I wouldnt! And 2 thats its not possible and would be a family court matter.
Make up some BS about why you were worried so you can snoop more!

Melody, i said we used to. Of course it cannot work forever. That is why i lefy my country and career and moved over the ocean.

So you do think i should talk to him about it. And yes, you and i might not be that different, i was thinking of having a little talk with her myself. I might do that too. I just kind of need her phone number.

Nope, europe.