Strength is a decisive CHOICE, not a feeling that just attacks us against our will. If you want to make it, you will need to put your feelings aside and take decisive action based on reason and logic. I know you can do it!

Well said !

Ok Guys, I have given this much thought. In fact thats all I thought about all weekend. I have to go with whats in MY best interests. First let me tell you this doesn NOT mean I won't change my mind in the future but for right now, I am trying to take care of ME.

I have decided not to do anything. Here are my reasons:
1) My lawyer advised me a few weeks ago that I should just sit tight, that as long as the bills are being paid, which WH is doing with no complaints, I am in my house with a roof over my head at HIS expense, and I have medical insurance which I don't have at my job, I kinda got it made. The minute they stop being paid, we file.
2) If I were to expose the affair to his superiors at work, no doubt he would lose his job and my "got it made" life would end. Also some of the things we would be going for in the divorce wouldn't happen. I only work part time, salary not so great. So it's kind of important to me that he stay employed, divorce or reconcile. It's in MY best interests.
3) I don't need to send out private messages to all of her Facebook friends. They all know what she's like, what she's been doing, even her 9 year old daughter knows who btw was conceived during an affair she had on her 3rd husband! She cheated on all 3. She's not worth my time. I have exposed the affair to everyone I can think of. Everyone knows what he's done. Even his friends at work. And OW's frienD (single tense) and exfriends. Most importantly, to our familys.
4) My goal RIGHT NOW is to work through this nightmare. Not piss him off, even though thats not important. Thats not the way to attract him back into this relationship, which for RIGHT NOW is what I would like to see happen in the future. He is my husband of 31 years together for 35, I am not a lightswitch, I still have feelings for him. It would only make ME look bad. HE'S the one who had the affair. HE is the bad guy to everyone in his life. Our daughters are done with him, he is not allowed around our grandsons. He is paying for what he's done, trust me. At work and here. I feel that 2 wrongs dont make a right.
5) I would feel SO guilty if I did something like that. I have a conscious. As angry and hurt and betrayed as I feel, I still have a conscious. I have morals and strong beliefs. I'm not a mean person. It's just not in me. Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT a door mat either.

Now dont misunderstand me. This is not to say I wont change my mind about any of this. Just right now, I have to go with whats in MY best interests. I'm reading Dr. Harleys articles and other books too on how to cope. Again, that's not to say we won't end up divorcing. I'm just trying to make educated and level headed decisions. And at the end of the day, I'll be able to sleep at night knowing I did all I could. So that in my next relationship, if that ever happens, I won't be loaded down with baggage and be able to find some true happiness.

I TRULY APPRECIATE ALL OF YOUR HELP! I DO! I'm SO grateful that there is a place where I can go where I know I'm not the only one to go through something like this. It feels like that sometimes. THANK YOU ALL FROM MY HEART! I LOVE YOU ALL! I'm not going anywhere!

So, then, his continued affair is in your best interest?

I know that's not what you mean, but that's what is being said because odds are minuscule that this affair will end if these two still work together. I learned that personally, and many others have learned that fact as well.

If you want to divorce him, then I agree: don't expose to the employer lest you lose financially. But what will your financial picture look like if you divorce?

If you want a shot at this marriage, then he and the skank need to be separated. Sorry, I know this stinks, but your husband hasn't left you very many options that don't involve a lot of fallout.

??? What 2 wrongs?
His adultery and your ???? what ????

Dr. Harley,



Here�s a brief background.. My husband confessed an affair to me about 3 months ago since then we have been through all the emotions known to man (LOL) at least I have. He has stated to that their sexual relationship was over months ago, but they had remained friends. He claim for the last 2months that the has been trying 100% to save his marriage. I put him out, twice, and we have been working on rebuilding our relationship.



I leave in AL and we a parades here, this women showed up, she is friends w/his sister, and I blew a gasket. I ended up behaving in such away that I am very ashamed of, and would�ve never behaved in such away had she not shown up as I told him it was way too soon for this type of thing to take place. He claimed he was equally as offended, but I couldn't�t tell. Since this episode he has been talking more and trying to show me affection, but I still feel reluctant to believe his actions.



I told him I didn�t know how to feel but as of now my most clear emotion is anger, and resentment. I feel betrayed by the whole family, and especially by him. I feel like I haven�t seen him get upset w/this women over trying to ruin his marriage. I have decided to try to commit myself to this relationship and have overwhelmed him w/details that I have learned from this website, but it feels like he�s not totally committed to the relationship to me; however, I don�t know if this is my true reading of him or is it my emotional mess getting in the way of seeing what he�s really trying to say. I�ve got blinders due to the circumstances that have transpired, I feel like I have to protect my heart.



I decided today to truly work on my forgiveness factors, to help restore.. how do I accomplish this goal?

Since the parade our relationship has been better, we talk more and do things together he spends more time at home and is meeting a bout 6 out of 10 on the emotional needsds buttons, he states all the time that he is tired of me asking does he really want to be here, states that if he didn't he wouldn't have come back home, and that he's really tired of me asking that question (last night conversation). I guess I'm having difficulting beleive that things are truely over, supposedly a fried to H that the skank was ridding the car w/ another the guy the may know or something but anyway that she has moved on). I asked why would the friend have to tell him that, H states he was just saying it.

but the difficulties I have w/ the whole thing is how do you when to stop checking and following up on things, is this a forever thing? Also when do you know you have certainly Affair proofed your marriage. I'm sure talking about it for the guys isn't the answer while it may be my answer any suggestions there? Also I hae trouble understanding the short terminolgies used .

These two things are contradictory... In one breath you are telling us the job is more important than the M and the next you are saying exposure would hurt the M?

Jodi, MB is plan driven. Tell us what plan you want, A, B or D. If you aren't sure, then OK, but at least tell us so we aren't wasting our time helping you with a plan you aren't going to follow.

You started this thread out asking if exposure to the workplace would help to end the affair & Plan A. Now you are just all over the place. There is no "ending this nightmare" by continuing to enable the affair and moving forward in a Plan C for confusion.

I am not following how a continued affair is in your best interest and most especially how that could be considered a "level headed" decision. It is in the best interest of the affair, but not you and certainly not your children. But like you said, it is your life, not ours. We have saved our marriages. If you feel it is in your best interest to protect the affair there isn't much we can do for you.

I wish you the best.

kidude, please start up a new thread so other folks can see your posts. No one will see your posts buried down at the bottom of this thread.

kidude,

It'd be best if you started your own thread so that people could reply to your specific questions. On the main forum list under "Surviving an Affair", click on the "New Topic" tab at the top left.

That way, people can read your story and give you advice on where to go next.

No, the continued affair is NOT in my best interest. I didn't mean it like that. What I needed to say was I think HE needs to grow a set of balls and end the affair on his own. IF that's what he wants. I can't force him to want to work on our marriage. HE has to want it also. I don't think it should be ME that ends it. Even if I think it's that important and I do. So, I guess what I was trying to say was if that doesn't happen, if he doesn't end it, then there will be a D in the near future. And his continued employment would be important in that case. And I agree, if I do want a shot at this marriage, the skank needs to disappear. Again, I'm not saying I won't contact his employer. Just not right now.

Pepper, I know I've done nothing wrong. I've been through the "what did I do to cause this" phase. I just feel like right now if I send out those letters, which were awesome btw and I've saved them, it would be wrong of me. I think it would make ME look bad. And that would be the wrong on my part. After talking to my lawyer, I need to stay on the straight and narrow, FOR NOW. My WH needs to remain the bad guy in this, which won't be hard! LOL!

JodiW, please listen to the others, they know what they are talking about. Expose the affair NOW. I wish I had at my WH work and then maybe it would have ended. It didn't and he lost his job there anyway because he was a supervisor. Your WH is going to get caught eventually and he WILL lose his job, mark my words. So you might as well call HR and let them know and maybe he will still have a job. Right now you are letting him continue in his affair. He is comfy cozy right now whether you believe it or not. Forget about him growing a pair, you grow a pair or you will pay for it!

Right now my WH has lost 2 jobs because of the OW and she kept hers and now my WH is an alcoholic, smokes, has no job, no money, has a DUI charge, no license, and now no future. Is that what you want for your WH? I think not.

Still hoping and praying.

Yes, in an ideal world, that is what he needs to do.


Why would he want to do that when he can have his wife, family and girlfriend all at the same time? You see, he's never going to make that decision unless or until he has no choice BUT to make a decision. He has to hit rock bottom first.


No, you cannot force him. But, you can give him a damn good incentive to want to work on it.


No, it shouldn't be your task but, well, lots of things shouldn't be our problems but they are. He's not going to end this or rock the boat until he sees that he is out of options and can no longer maintain the status quo. You're going to have to be the one that rocks the boat here.

It is, after all, your decision on whether or not you want to have a husband with a girlfriend. You either force his hand or remove yourself from the situation by divorcing him.


I understand your hesitance and am not trying to give you a hard time, ok? You have more control over this than you realize and I hate seeing someone give over their reigns when they don't need to.

But you're going to have to decide--money or marriage because, if he does "decide" to leave the skank, you'll still have to address them working together.

What would you do then?

You underestimate the ability of a Wayward to "coast." You aren't going to force his hand at anything. He can sit here and cake-eat as long as he wants, carrying on his affair at work indefinitely while still paying your bills. Don't think he won't do this. What makes you think he won't?

There is nothing wrong with telling people what he's done and asking for their support.

Do you want to save your marriage, or don't you? Of course ruining his affair will piss him off. If you want to save your marriage, you don't care whether he's pissed off or not. Enabling his affair isn't "being nice" and will not make him more eager to rejoin your marriage.

Jodi, this is a prime example of why you will not make it if you use feelings. Feelings are not truth. When one applies reason and logic to the situation, you can reason that it is wrong to commit adultery; but it is not wrong to EXPOSE adultery. Saying that it is wrong to expose adultery is irrational. Exposure is simply bringing truth to light.

What is wrong is hiding truth because affairs thrive on secrecy. So in effect, you are enabling an affair by helping the affairees hide their secret. And you do so at the expense of your marriage and your children's family.

You help the OW by keeping her secret. You harm your children by protecting the OW.

This is a prime example of why it is so important to put feelings aside. Those who cannot put their feelings and follow a plan don't make it.

And I will point out to you that those of us posting to you have saved our marriages. Your best thinking has not worked for you. Yet you continue to rely on it. To no avail.

So you send some letters to the skank's friends telling them that she's screwing around with your husband. Couple of questions:

1. You don't know them, will probably never see them, so who cares what they think of you?

2. What if your neighbor came to you and said her husband is cheating on her. Who looks bad? The neighbor or her husband? Same difference.

Your husband is having an affair, you're at home holding down the fort, just how in hell do you look bad? Seriously, your stance is pretty infallible at this point. Use it!

Suzie and Melody, I am such a mess right now. I guess that's why I dont want to do anything I'll regret later. I am listening to all of your advice. That's why I'm here. I go back and forth but mostly, guys, I just want to work this out and get my family back. My heart says I need to not do anything to hurt anyone because God knows, I know this hurt, I AM this hurt. I know this situation hurts everyone involved. Everyone. I don't want to see him lose his job, for me or for him. Jobs are hard to come by these days, I know, Ive been looking. I can't just shut off my feelings for this AHole even after what he's done to me. I think I just need some time. To answer your question, yes, I do want my marriage to work. I do want to forgive so I can move on. This just really sucks!

This is so true. I know one couple (parents of a friend) where the husband had a fling that lasted for probably 25 years. Everyone knew about it, he probably cheated on his wife longer than he didn't, but the wife did nothing about it. They're still married, no idea if the "missy" is still there or not.

You'd be amazed at how comfortable a wayward can get as long as it's warm and sunny.