Hi, all,

Reading the articles on this site has been like finding water in the desert. I have been without meaningful contact outside my failing marriage for so long, I forgot what it was like to find someone who understood me.

My wife and I have long-term problems. Our first son died as an infant, and career/financial problems that are essentially constant. We have mutual resentments build up over the years.

Two years ago, I tried to make a go of a business, but it failed. She blamed me for the failure. I blamed her for her lack of support, and round and round we go.

In the last 3 months, my wife has developed a friendship with a man. She and I recreate apart, and have for years. In the last month, I've tried to negotiate a way for me to join her sport, which for a long time she invited to join, but I didn't take the opportunity, stupidly. Now she doesn't want me to join, saying I am being intrusive.

This man is falling in love with her, and she probably doesn't see it. She sees their relationship as friends, as a release from daily tension, and an escape from the constant strife of our life together. He's kind of frivolous.

I have laid it all out -- how I see this, how I know they are not having a physical affair, but that having an opposite sex friend outside the marriage, with someone I dislike, is in itself a threat.

I have over the last month found out the extent of their friendship. It's mostly fun talk about their recreational mutual interest, plus talk of his love life (he's single), plus talk of his vacation. But a month ago he showed strong interest in her work. This week they are Facebook friends. Today he is revealing highly personal details about his past, together with expressions of admiration for her.

I see where this is going, because it's obvious. Their relationship is progressing just as Dr. Harley says. She insists they are only friends, and that she has more self-control than to do anything inappropriate.

She also refuses to see that he's probably falling in love with her.

I have been trying to negotiate recreational time together, which she is open to, but I made the mistake of asking her mother to help by taking our son for the weekend, and she took that as an opportunity to create another argument with my wife, and as a result, our recreational opportunities are extremely rare and hard to come by.

She also refuses to see this friendship as anything other than an innocent friendship that she enjoys. I invite her to see that this is the reason it's appealing -- it's apparent meaninglessness is the whole attraction. It's why she perpetuates it.

She knows how deeply disturbing it is to me. I have lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks over this. But still she persists.

Tonight she took a phone call with her girlfriend outside, which she thought was discrete but which I heard perfectly. She was talking to her girlfriend about having emailed this man again just today. Then she lied about it when she came in, telling me it was only a conversation about her girlfriend's recent date.

I broke down. I told her I can't take the lies. They're killing me. She says she lies because I overreact.

I have said all I know how to say, and she refuses to accept the idea that this man might be falling in love with her, that the conditions are ripe for an affair. She insists she is a middle-aged housewife, and this man is actually chasing her friends, who are more available women, and the idea he finds her attractive is preposterous.

She refuses accept the idea that this friendship is deeply hurtful to me, that the lengths she goes to hide it and lie about it are intensely painful. She says that, in light of my years of neglect, she finds my sudden interest to be confusing.

But she also finds my efforts at being recreational companions again to be intrusive, and pushes me away.

Do I go to Plan B? It's not a physical affair, and not even an emotional affair, but is so clearly and unmistakably forming into one before my eyes, and from there, we all know where it's headed.

I'm beside myself with turmoil. I'm coming undone. Please help.

Hello endofline,

For me - this is EA already. I think you have done actually good job by communicating that this "friendship" is not and will be not ok with you. Just be calm about it, not weepy.

At the same time, snoop as much you can and do not reveal your sources!

You know and we know that it will come full-blown affair shortly if you do not interfere.

MB advice for killing the affair (and there is affair already, do not let your WW mislead you):

1) Get evidence
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2461388&page=1

2) Expose
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2266646#Post2266646

3) Plan A
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2458276&page=1

Very specific plan on dealing with this. VERY! Are you prepared? Get ready this EA is a war. Grab some ammo get suited up in your flack jacket as she will probably spew Fog Babble all over you.

Tell us more about you and your family, how many children? How long married? ETC

1) Install key logger on PC
2) If she has a smart phone get a program that relays text/email/call log and GPS location. Flexspy.com is a good one.
3) Start documenting everything. Prepare to expose this to everyone and in my opinion flyers and bill boards aren't to extreme.

Sorry you are here. EA's hurt to many (like me) just as much as a PA. And yes its a EA already!

Vets will be along soon for more advice. But read up on plan A / Plan B. Plan B isn't even close for you yet and I hope it doesn't get there. Get SAA (surviving an affair) from the bookstore. As well as His needs her needs and love busters. These will be your new bible but dont let the real Bible get any dust on it

She may not return his feelings (yet) but she is definitely experiencing some secondary gain of his being in love with her. The more entrenched that becomes, the harder it will be for her to give up.l

That's why I need to act now.

But what exactly do I do?

endofline, I think you have a much bigger problem here than just this guy. Your wife is extremely thoughtless of your feelings and lives an independent lifestyle. Your telling her how much this bothers you should have been enough for her to give this guy the boot, but it is not.

Are you married?

Hi, endofline, and welcome.

I've quoted the above phrase to point something out to you. It's not that she's refusing to see how this is hurting you. And she's not refusing to accept the idea that he's falling in love with her. She sees all of this perfectly.

The problem is that she is having some of her needs met by this man and she doesn't want that to stop. This is incredibly disrespectful to you and your marriage.