Here�s a brief background.. My husband confessed an affair to me about 3 months ago since then we have been through all the emotions known to man (LOL) at least I have. He has stated to that their sexual relationship was over months ago, but they had remained friends. He claim for the last 2months that the has been trying 100% to save his marriage. I put him out, twice, and we have been working on rebuilding our relationship.



I leave in AL and we a parades here, this women showed up, she is friends w/his sister, and I blew a gasket. I ended up behaving in such away that I am very ashamed of, and would�ve never behaved in such away had she not shown up as I told him it was way too soon for this type of thing to take place. He claimed he was equally as offended, but I couldn't�t tell. Since this episode he has been talking more and trying to show me affection, but I still feel reluctant to believe his actions.



I told him I didn�t know how to feel but as of now my most clear emotion is anger, and resentment. I feel betrayed by the whole family, and especially by him. I feel like I haven�t seen him get upset w/this women over trying to ruin his marriage. I have decided to try to commit myself to this relationship and have overwhelmed him w/details that I have learned from this website, but it feels like he�s not totally committed to the relationship to me; however, I don�t know if this is my true reading of him or is it my emotional mess getting in the way of seeing what he�s really trying to say. I�ve got blinders due to the circumstances that have transpired, I feel like I have to protect my heart.



I decided today to truly work on my forgiveness factors, to help restore.. how do I accomplish this goal?

Since the parade our relationship has been better, we talk more and do things together he spends more time at home and is meeting a bout 6 out of 10 on the emotional needsds buttons, he states all the time that he is tired of me asking does he really want to be here, states that if he didn't he wouldn't have come back home, and that he's really tired of me asking that question (last night conversation). I guess I'm having difficulting beleive that things are truely over, supposedly a fried to H that the skank was ridding the car w/ another the guy the may know or something but anyway that she has moved on). I asked why would the friend have to tell him that, H states he was just saying it.

but the difficulties I have w/ the whole thing is how do you when to stop checking and following up on things, is this a forever thing? Also when do you know you have certainly Affair proofed your marriage. I'm sure talking about it for the guys isn't the answer while it may be my answer any suggestions there? Also I hae trouble understanding the short terminolgies used .

Hi kidude, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry that this has happened to you. The answer to your question is what is he willing to do to EARN your forgiveness? There are certain things that need to happen in order for him to earn this. And it is critical to the recovery of your marriage. I would read this thoroughly: Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?


Does the sister know that this skank had an affair with your husband? If she does not, then you should inform his whole family so they can disassociate with her. If the sister does know and is still associating with the skank who tried to break up her brothers marriage, then you both should end your relationship with such a destructive person.

Has the affair been exposed to everyone? Does everyone know and has your H ended ALL contact with her?

yes, he has ended all contact and says that he calls b/4 he goes to his moms house to see if she's there, and if she is he doesn't go by.

My H says that his feelings for his family are bascially that it's messed up for his sister to still be friends w/ someone that she knowingly had an affair but he can't control who she is friends w.

I feel like that his sister, his mom and everyone that knew about this relationship and the fall out afterwards, were and are totally not for his marriage, and I have yet to speak to or call his family or anthing like that I feel like if he's sincer in his feelings that he should not associate w/ them either but I do know they are his family.

Yes everyone has been made aware of the affair.

Did YOU personally tell his family members about this affair?

yes, I told his grandmother, his father, and he told his mother but his sister knew cause it was indeed her friend but everyone that matters knew, I didn't tell the kids, but they knew we were having problems. My family now knows this was a fact I was trying to keep hid from them, but when I flipped out on Fat Tuesday, I thought I might have ended up in jail so I had to tell them as well.

My friends know, his friends know but I don't think he has a good accountablity group from them as they knew bout the skank during the A, and they said nothing ( I think anyway)

If his family knew and they still associate with this OW, then they are an enemy of your marriage. How do you feel about their continued association with someone who caused so much harm to your marriage? What kind of people are they?

And yes, your children should be told about the affair so they will know who the enemy of their family is. His affair should not be whitewashed to your children. That just teaches them that lying is sometimes acceptable.

I agree that he should not associate with them. Especially since they are still associating with the OW. HE should make it a condition that they cut all ties with that ho or he cuts ties with them. That is outragous that they would be so uncaring for your husband, you and your children. These sound like very cruel, heartless people.

Well, I am really still dealing w/ that fact they I married into a family that doesn't have good moral judgement to say the least.

I am able to talk to his grandmother, and she has big influence over him as she is the one who raised him, but she hasn't had a chance to talk to him regarding this issue. I think he feels like his between a rock and a hard place when it comes to me and his family. He is a very passive aggressive type so he will not say anything to them, but has told his sister that if the skank is going to be around he will not be around, and he also has informed his mother of that fact as well. But how you feel is how I feel as well. They shouldn't scarfice his marriage over such a come by night friend, cause especially one that has no morals she will eventually hurt the sister, and it's almost like I can't wait till she stabs her in the back I know that's wrong but it's the way I feel

So you are telling me that you are CERTAIN that his mother and his sister know about the affair? And that you have spoken to them yourself about this?

You ARE his family, no?!
If his family of origin is not protecting the marriage.....he will need to protect his family he created from them. Not 'hang' with them and rebuild. Do you not feel you are worth this effort?

Yes, they know I have spoken to them both, the sister even made the comment to me that she didn't understand why the girl was stating that she and my H were friends (now that they are not f*()*() you can fill in the blanks, and the sister told me that she wouldn't even talk to a man that said they had a girlfriend let alone a wife.

Also I spoke to the mother who gave me a phone call back in Dec. bout the girl calling the police on me cause I called her, she told the mother in law that if I called her one more time that she would wipe my a*()* and then call the cops the mother in law then called me w/ it.. So yes THEY Know..

yes, that is the way I feel , that I am worthy of the confrontation w/ his mother but I don't know to bring it up now. How do I say that.. I've told him he needs to confront his mom, in order to clear the air, but it's to be done it's been 1 month since fat tuesday.. and even longer since the whole thing came out.

Sorry to hear that your husband's family isn't supporting your marriage. Have you ever gotten along with them, or always felt like the outsider?

He does need to deal with them as this "drama" is going to slowly eat away at you and your marriage.

Some people just cannot be fixed, you know? And this OW sounds like a real class-act for the [censored]-wiping comment.

Have y'all thought of moving, starting over, getting away from all this? If nothing else, you can get away from the damn summer heat that we'll get in a few months (I'm in MS)

yes, I'm saying that also the sister said to him and I quote that girl ain't pregnant by you so yes, the sister knew about the skank..

These are very trashy, disfunctional people, aren't they?

This would be my vote. His family is an enemy to his marriage. How shameful he must feel to have such a family.

Are you legally married?

yes, that's the way i feel about they really do take the attitude that they had nothing to do it.. Matter of fact the sister called me after he called her to tell her that if the girl was going to be around for her to let him know so he will not have to be around. She the sister proceeded to call me and inform that and I quote that's not her [censored] nor her cat, but to leave her out of our mess.

It was very dishartening to find out that they didn't share in the hope that our marriage would work out.

yes, I'm legally married for 10 yrs this Sept. 2 kids, ages 16 & 7 yrs of age both boys. We have been together for 17 yrs...

No I haven't thought of moving since my family is here as well, but I did want him to disassociate himself w/ his family for a while, but he says he doesn't go by there unless his mother calls him for something i.e. fix her car, I felt that he shouldn't do nothing for her, but I know he is going to still help his mother, but the sad thing is that she ( the mother) lives right around the corner from the the grandmother( his fathers mother) and I do like her, she is a beleiver in marriage vows and respects the sanitity of marriage, his mother has never been married, nor is she in a relationship currently.

Well, think about moving, ok?

We all have family members like this--people that aren't going to change, and there's not a damn thing you can do about them. After a while, you just kind of resolve yourself to that fact and decide to live your life without worrying about it. Easier said than done, but you're going to have to initiate this change if you want it to happen.

Face it, if your husband wanted to completely cut off his family, he'd have done it by now. And while you should state your concerns, if you try to ram it down his throat without his consent then he'll just end up resenting you for it. Don't do that!!

A better choice is to both talk about it and come to an agreement. Remember, no Disrespectful Judgements (DJ) or Angry Outbursts (AO). Try to see it from his point of view and, with that perspective, ask yourself if you would think or act any differently than he does now. Empathy is important here, and it sounds like he wants to cut some family members out while leaving the good ones around. Makes sense, wouldn't you do the same?

But this is a good opportunity for POJA and negotiation--read up on it if you haven't already done so:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html

I'd guess that putting about three hours between you and the relatives would do the trick. It's far enough away to keep them away and allow y'all to have your own lives, but close enough for a weekend visit should the desire strike. Why don't you talk about it? It sounds like you could both come to an agreement since you both recognize what the problem is. Take a look at a map.

Worth a shot. It isn't going to change unless you do something to make it change.