Lost - I could have written your post about my WW. I asked my WW last summer - you want to run - where are you running TO? She had no answer, she continues to have no answer IMHO. It's one of the ironies - my WW can't blame me for her decision to move out, her decision to BUY a house or ultimately her decision not to try and reconcile. (If it comes to that.)

I got some great advice from one of my regular posters (Northwood maybe) - he said that it's her own stubborness that's preventing a shot at reconciliation - how will she explain that to her son when he's old enough? Will this moment in time define DS's mother's character? See, my WW told me she was coming back, 'until I exposed the affair.' So, I'm being led to believe by WW, if I only would NOT have exposed, she would have come back. She's also consistently said that she can not forgive me for the exposure. Well, as you know, forgiveness, like love, is a choice. See, in WW's mind, it's my fault not hers. Amazing pretzel logic, isn't it?

pretzel logic lol thats a good one. ill have to remember that one for a future debate!!

..if I only would NOT have exposed, she would have come back. She's also consistently said that she can not forgive me for the exposure.

Whooopie! She avers that she, as a broken, cheating adultress, in the absence of your exposure, would have "come back".....as a broken "wife", awaiting her next need (opportunity?) to revert to a broken, cheating adultress!

And the exposure damaged her reputation in whose eyes, exactly? POSOM? No, he knew of her skank-hood. Mommy? Well, her "disgust" at WW's behavior has led directly to an offer of a substantial sum to finance/subsidize that same lifestyle. No, deep down, the most damaging "exposure" of her easy (non-existent?) virtue was to herself, and her NEXT potential "soul-mate" after current POSOM gets bored. Remember "Will 'date' for dinner" won't sound so attractive to the fourth, fifth, or sixth guy in line!

Put this response away for your DS, someday, when he's old enough, and WW tries to burden you with the rupture of your marriage.

Ya its funny how WW's try to spin it around and blame others for there behavior. Mine does it all of the time with her family. Yesterday her sister was getting blamed for not talking to her and basically ruining there relationship since they dont talk. WW spun everything around to make her sister look like she is in the wrong

You can't save them all Mel..

But I certainly hope you keep trying!!!

Well i really appreciate the encouragement. As a matter of fact i am going to make it. Just may not have a WW to deal with anymore. Im at the crossroads of the relationship. I could see working things out if she came crawling back a slobbering mess that had her heart back and i can see div and all the potential of what else there may be. The fact now is ive done my part for the marriage and the kids and there future opinions of me and what i have done to save it. Its time now to relax and let her stumble all over herself and family and i wont worry about it anymore than i have to.

I wouldn't worry about that post to much lost, probably RMX was reading thru the thread and commented simply because Mel is so much of he spine of the support system here.

I wonder if Mel could check in and give her opinion now? IMO, you are dealing with the run of the mill WW who has gone skank in a big way, bigger than most, and is very dangerous to your family. If there has been any MB Affair fighting principles you have not tried, it was few. You did the total exposure which seems to allways be the hardest with us guys.

All that is left is going Dark, whether that includes Plan B, legal separation, or divorce degrees of action. Those choices were allways yours to make anyway.


But I would like to hear from Mel and get her opinion also. she is very direct and I think objective. IMO once she comes up to speed on what you have done, if she says you are doing what you can, you are.

Thanks cp. The reasoning chip in her brain is gone lol. There is no longer any discussion with her about coming home. If you try u get shut down quick with comments like, ive made my decision and you will never talk me out of it--you need to go to counseling to learn how to deal with divorce--you and the boys don't deserve this but that's life, start dealing with it.

This is all out of a girl that was complety against divorce and hated any of her friends that went that route. She couldnt even stand to look at some people we knew that did the same thing. A girl that was a devoted christian girl that would not miss church for anything. now you cant drag her to church.

OM is really got control on this one. And like i said im not staying married to OM.

Yes you are going to make it LostM. It was not you who decided to run behind the woodshed with the towns egotistical "bad-boy". I've met a lot of those scum-bags in my life, there is a reason they end up in jail, or an a slab at the morgue. They play off of sympathy and fear of people, and do not have the guts to stand alone before God.

Now given the chance for your marriage to take a step up into maturity, as they all must, your wife abandons everything, like a rebelious little bad-girl who doesn't understand anything. She might be a brain surgeon, but she is messing with things beyond her understanding, those things that God has created and she cannot change, no matter how she twists it.

Hang in there for your children, you will get through this. As for your WW, she is in Gods hands, and has sacrificed everything she had. She might wanna spin some woe is me story people may or may not believe now, but she still has to live with herself and the lies shes living. All things hidden will be revealed, here to those who wish to live in the Kingdom, and in the thereafter.

Keep posting for support, we are all behind you, and work at putting this behind you and living well, for you and your children, and Gods sake.

Her prefrontal cortex has been bypassed as she is now feeding her needs,(Which I don't think she even has an idea what they are), in a wild and out of control manner.

As responsible and accountable adults, we have the choice to understand ourselves and act in such a way that it will not damage ourselves or others. This does mean we have to reason things out, and decide what is the best choice, in the big picture. There is frustration and pain, and we have to reason on how to deal with what is bothering us.

Whatever pleasure and desire she is feeding with what she is doing, she does not understand, was designed to be a need that can be met by you. However her mind has twisted it into some "evil candy" that really.."everybody wanted anyway", was just an act of not understanding herself.

Now that she is feeding that part of the brain that we all feed first, the reward center, without any restraints, she will think that her feelings are just, and her reason will be flawed, and tainted, and twisted to her feelings.

Yes the Reason chip is gone. I hear you on the women who would, "Get upset" when others acted that way, and I also know how those emotions play into some sort of obsession with that behavior.

God bless you on your search for greater understanding for yourself, and for your children, for peace and prosperity of your lives

LM101,

I am so sorry this has happened to you and the kids, but you cannot force somebody to BE a responsible mom or a dad, and she is behaving like a child imho.

Yes, the struggle, even when you are a properly divorced woman with children as I was after I had to divorce my xwh, was how COULD I even be both a single woman AND a mom. To me, it was something that was unusual, strange, out of sync.

Sometimes we have to do the right thing even though it is not the easy thing. You see, God gives the betrayed the chance to move on should the one who is the cheater abandons us and our families.

Your kids need YOU NOW to stand up for them. File for full custody and plan B right now. The LAST THING the kids need is to be around a half-witted wayward mom and also be around a man who is only interested in having sex with their mom, and could care less about the kids, but might want to get his grubby hands on any family monies from a divorce that he can get.

I had to go to bat for my son full force when it came to having to decide what to do. In the end, I filed for divorce, got joint custody at first (what the courts want) but now have full custody of my son.

A wayward simply CANNOT BE a good parent. It is that dichotomy. Either they are the wild single person or they are a good mom or dad. Either the kids come first or they don't. You are doing the good and responsible thing by NOT LETTING her parent at this time. And that is ok.

My xh, shortly before we went thru hell and back and when he began his lies and cheating, went thru a serious problem with his business, and his business partner put immense stress on him. For him, (what being 8 years out from the initial shock, but still having to deal with his residual "crazy" from time to time has given me some wisdom into the ultimate wayward mindset)it was definitely about RUNNING from reality and wanting to temporarily suspend his "good life" and be a playboy.

Sometimes those who are wayward, who do the whole abandon the kids/marriage thing, come to their senses, and then again Lostman, some of them simply will choose to never return to their former selves. They choose a path that will lead to their self destruction.

The future my xh created for himself involved the following after our divorce and if you will, here's a timeline to devastation. It all inched and inched forward over the last five years. That is all it took for my former Husband to morph into a shadow of his former self, a scary, darker man with absolutely no morality and no business being a dad at all. See and understand:
1)day of divorce
2)within 3 days of divorce married the pregnant ow golddigger
3)became a dad again 3 months later
4)began rebelling against feeling "forced" to remarry her as she threatened a subesequent lawsuit and child support, ie, cheaper to keep her mindset.
5)He began cheating on her immediately and resumed his other affair with monkeyho, another ow.
6)Began spending money like water. Buying cars, buying expensive watches, spending trips in Vegas like he was Donald Trump.
7)Would spend tens of thousands of dollars, but refuse to pay his meager child support to me for our son, our planned son. Or pay the pittance of alimony owed me too.
8)Multiple court appearances for contempt as a result. Some of his clients, found out of the legal struggles, and fired him and withdrew their monies and that pissed him off more.
9)When the fun and newness never really began with the affair wife, whom he cheated on, he grew angrier and meaner than he was with me, and unbeknowst to me at the time, he began BEATING his affair wife.
10)She liked the money so she stuck around, affairs, and bruises and all. But the worst part was, I was DENIED knowing the truth of how low he'd sunk because she didn't tell me, for fear I would then (about four years ago) gone back to court to get full custody and I would have in a new york minute if I knew any domestic violence was in the home.
11)He began not coming home, and I actually received calls from the affair wife asking ME where MY EX HUSBAND WAS. That was when the custody arrangement began to change with me going back to almost 100 percent.
12)He got a stripper pregnant next, then I found out two years ago he MADE HER have an abortion. This was a man who was AGAINST abortion with all of his strength. A man once nominated for deacon at our former church! So yea, they go insane.
13)I find out he had been paying for a SECOND residence, for the stripper other woman, and was told only by the affair wife, because she was angry her money had been "stolen" from her (which was really my former marital assets).
14)He has a one night stand with a skank much older than I am, meets her at a bar, and the woman cries it was against her will and GOES TO THE PRESS.
15)My xh loses his job as ceo of his company and spends hundreds of thousands in legal fees.
16)I find this out almost immediately after the affair wifey calls me to tell me of the sudden change and loss of "her money" and refuse to have my son ever around any of them again.
17)His affair wife hires a private eye to spy on him, and he catches the private eye and assaults (yes that's right, physically assaults her) and is sent to jail.
18)Next day I am in judges' chambers getting emergency hearing. Following Monday I sue for full custody and win. He will never parent again, at least NOT MY CHILD.

Lostman, what you are standing up for TODAY and at this second is for your kids and their stability. You can't hesitate. You CANNOT RISK your ww going down even a remotely close path my xh did or behaving risky as my xh did/does. My xh flew low under radar for a while after our divorce, but when I'd found out all the bad things, I'd already settled our divorce decree. had I known he had this propensity, I would have never allowed him any custody at all.

You can see the mom of the kids is not in her right mind now. Like I used to say about my xh, and why I call him "Darth" to this day, is because he gave "in to the darker side". Some do that and they never return.

What YOU DO NOW is trust in God and be the stand up and responsible parent for the kids now. You don't let a wayward and a scary skanky om have any time around your precious little ones. The kids depend on YOU to be the daddy ok? Just like my son depends on me 100 percent to be his mom.

You will walk thru fire for your children, stopping at nothing but their safety and security. In the long run, if your ww never resumes the life she once lived and remains wayward, CONSIDER IT A GIFT she left and abandoned the kids and the family home and marriage, because it might make things really really easy for you in court to sue for full custody of them and sue her for cs. And yea, keep the family home.

Sending you hugs.

You cannot make a person do anything. Your ww chose to run from reality and ran away from all that was good in her life. However THAT IS HER LIFE. YOUR life is different. You aren't running. You are making a stand.

As of today, you begin to make whatever arrangements you can to secure the stability and custody of your children as their father. Let the wayward go. The Bible says, when an unbeliever leaves and abandons you, you are COMMANDED to let them go and live in peace.

Funny thing was, the day of my divorce, I felt that peace immediately. I had majority of custody of my son, which helped, but knowing that burden was gone, and that he was like the prodigal son, given over to God, made me feel better.

Your ww is a prodigal now. But only God will welcome her back with open arms after she seeks utter destruction. You cannot consider that now. The safety and security of the children must today come first.

Wow, Glad to hear from you peachy. I am so glad this place is here for people like lost and of course, for me too.

Right back atcha CP! Good to hear from you too.

Many hugs to you and wish you well! Hope all is going wonderfully w/you.

Just so you know Lost, Peachys story about how the cheese slipped of her WHs cracker, is very common in the world, as it happens slowly to these people. Just like a serpent has you in thier cold stare, and thier hypnotised by fear, and and at the same time facsinated by it, the poison takes its effect to destroy them from the inside.

Have you ever seen a snake hypnotize its prey before it strikes? Same deal but spiritually. She had to be considering all this for some time, and was not honest with you about it. How can you protect her from that?

Like Peachys WH my WW was once a member of good standing as a recovered alcoholic in her church, and even spoke at assemblys asked by a very prominent world wide Pastor and author. People fall, I can speculate on why, because I am a pretty astute, compassionate and understanding up front guy, who absolutley HATES to see the innocent suffer.

I cannot make people be honest with themselves, or even when I tell them they are loved no matter what, and take the beatings emotionally, can I prove to them that either.

Just as anyone who is recovered from anything, any form of addiction, they must do it for themselves first, and be in control of themselves. Anything else IS slavery, and as you know, God set us free from that. All you can do is be a good freind to those who fall away, and not lose yourself to thier emotional/mental sickness, and trust God for thier future, as He allways draws us to Him, and sometimes takes us home, when we become to sick.

I still cannot give my WWs story without an extreme amount of detail because I am still processing so much emotionally, but I can assure you it is a lot similar in its progression, to many who have fallen.

I am still in the process of forgiving, understanding, and letting go. I have no desire to remain bitter or trying to fix anything other than protect my children, emotionally and spiritually, (same thing result wise), from what has happened to thier Mom. I will be right in the head and heart when I can look back at her with understanding and see all of the beautiful things about her, as one of Gods children that went astray, and be assured that I did everything possible, to love her well. Many people tell me that I did, and I am well respected, but thats them, its not me yet.

Thats what you need to do for yourself and your children now, just as I do for mine, see we are in a way in the same boat brother. Our Children need us to heal, so they can see its possible, and to strengthen them for the future. Your children are young, mine were older when the worse happened, but they are allways Children of God, and in that way they will allways be children of the Father.

Have you ever wondered about why God is portrayed in the masculine "He"? Its because men are initiators naturally and go after what they want, and God wanting a relationship with us goes after our hearts and minds. Its told in the word that

Numbers 23:19
God is not a man, that he should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?

The misunderstanding that God does not minister and use women is not backed up in scripture. Consider the three Marys that are used to teach us. There are countless others also, in scripture and IRL, who are shining examples. There was no excuse for your wifes behavior, God was allways there for her, she just chose not to really listen.

Use this Lostm, with no shame or regret, to draw closer, and open your world, and your childrens also, to the manifold Grace of God, and his world and kingdom in our souls.

Please come here and continue to post, as you heal.

WOW peachy that was quite a mess u went through. I can't even imagine all of that going on.

The boys and i Have definately gotten closer and they choose more often than not to be with me anymore when the opportunity arrises. I will be here for them and they know that. We have all gotten closer to God as well. Maybe thats why i have so much peace in letting her go if she continues to pursue divorce.

Tonight she hung around longer than usual and she seemed to be sad. I didnt ask or pretend to care. I went about my business as usual. She came home with the kids for a while today. Not unusual, but she never hangs around while im home. One of those things i have allowed in order for the kids to be able to see her some.

Anyways, she did keep hanging around and it seemed like something was bothering her, but i never asked and she never said anything. She finally left to take my oldest to ball practice and i felt as something strange was going on. Oh well thats all over now. Maybe her conscious was eating at her lol.

Im really feeling at peace at the moment with the thought of divorce. Maybe God is giving me that peace.

Probably so. But it's good that you're not stressing over it. Sorry things turned out like this for you, but am glad to hear that you're handling it the best you can.

It sounds like your kids should be proud of you.

Lostman,

You ARE NOT LOST. You never were. You are, as our dear friend Constant Process, and others here are held in the loving arms of our God.

(Constant Process, I am praying for you and your children and know that this is a difficult situation you are working through. You WILL get thru this, and make something beautiful happen from the pain! I know you will)

Divorce is not the end. For me, it actually made me grow as a woman. It forced me to stand up to be the type of mom that God would WANT me to be always to my son. It made me have to become tough. How to learn how to live on my own and raise my son on my own, in a strange city, far from my hometown, with no relatives here in sight.

I could not have done it without God. And I did alot of things wrong at first, I'm sure. But knowing that SOMEBODY had to be the stand up parent for my boy, that was me. It HAD to be me. God made that apparent that I had to BE THE PARENT!

you are thrust into that role too now, for your kids. And there is a good fight to engage in.

Like I told another dear poster here, that God has a beautiful plan for you and a new beginning. We don't know what it is. It's a lovely adventure, and we know it will end well! Why? You're sticking by HIS side. He may have in store for you to divorce, and be an amazing father! He may heal your heart and make your family bonds with the kids so strong you'll be so happy you stood up for them!

One day, God might, after your heart has healed enough, allow you to at the right time and place, meet a lovely woman. She could be a beautiful and loving stranger you haven't yet met. Or she could take the form of your wife, but a woman who underwent a total spiritual transformation, into the wife that you deserved all along.

All you need to know is that taking the leap of faith to stand for your children is the right thing now. God is here. Your future isn't doomed. It's not GOING TO BE BAD. It will end well because you are doing this for the right reasons. Want to know how many right reasons?

Count the precious little heads of your precious little ones and that's all the reasons you need.

Hugs~

Ok T/J for a second.


Thanks peachy

I have to realize that I did everything possible, and that what she needed was beyond my capability as a husband, especially a husband, who had his own demons to let God slay with truth. She settled by marrying me and really needed a man of God who she could not sway with scripture that was twisted to allow her childish behavior. I took on that challange, being raised as a strict baptist, and thought that was enough. I knew God did not hide and was everywhere. But I did not listen to my own spirit in my gut from the beginning.

Was I wrong for encouraging her to seek counsel for her drinking and substance abuse problems when I first saw the danger they presented to her? No. But I was wrong thinking she would respect my judgement in that, and that I could be "special" enough and "strong" enough to help her.

Then I was wrong thinking a sexual relationship would draw us closer, that it would bond us, and that I needed to do that to reach her emotionally. She became pregnant right after I found out I was an insulin dependant diabetic, and to top that off, when she went to the doctor she found out she had cervical cancer,(probably from clamidia, I think she slept around since she back-slid and started drinking).

I wasn't wrong being with her through that, or the birth of my DD, and through the operation that saved her life, or leaving when the drinking got worse after.

I was wrong in believing she ever respected me or beleived in me beyond her own personal expectations, her own dream, her own problems. She could care less about me, if it interfered with that.

I was right to leave her, and realize it was over before it started, and that I could not help her. I was wrong believing she had a spiritual transformation two years later, after I had started another relationship, in part selfishly, wait, in all selfishly, that also failed becuase I could not commit again. Oh I was so noble. I had children allready, and two failed marriages, it would have been so wrong to commit to someone else right, but I sure enjoyed the attention, and the pity, along with stringing two women along out of control and anger and revenge.

I was wrong coming back to my W, a broken and totally messed up person, seeking to recover with Gods help, his institution of marriage, and provide some kind of life, for my children I was responsible for. I could have provided for them and fought to protect them without coming back with the law, but instead I came back, and bought the whole farce again. I allready knew she was using grace as a lisense to sin, she herself quoted that scripture to me, like knowing the word of God meant you automatically were obedient to it, or acted with accoutability to it. I thank her for the bible lessons, but it was obvious she needed help to be set free from alcohol, to her being saved wasn't enough, and her new identity with Christ,( Which I knew was nessesary for everyone), did not include total submission. If Christ died to free us, then we were free, her words meant very little, if they were not backed up. I knew I was a cuckold and a fool when I left, and I was a fool for returning in that state, even if my intentions were right. I am thankful for my time with the children and I do believe I showed them love as I tried to restore the marriage, but it was a weak example as a man, only teaching that I must accept that that I did not have to, if my head was screwed on straight. The truth came out anyways and she was eaten up by what was allowed, of that alone I am still struggling with, I could have stopped it anytime, my sacrifice meant little, my obedience to God would have meant a lot.

What a sad-sack excuse I was, and in ways I still am, as I pour over all the sadness of the loss, and lick my bruised ego wounds, all because I had something to prove. A shrink therapist who I asked to see us in the beginning of the relationship looked at me and asked me in session,"Do you feel like you have a Tiger by the tail?" What was I thinking then? What was I tring to prove? Now I think of the Steely dan Song. "Do it again".. "Then you love a little wild one, and she brings you only sorrow, All the time oyu know shes crin' you'll be on your knees tomorrow. You go back, Jack, do it again, Wheels goin round, and round..."

The big ego trip, the reason God had put me in this place and I had met her, was that I thought it was a chance for redemption, that all my life was leading up to this point, that all the trials were so I could help her, and her me, to build each other up inside, to heal past wounds, with Gods help. I thought we had the stuff, and I "fell" in love, but mostly if I am honest, with my own misconceptions of what I thought love was. What a drama-queen I was. But I see I wasn't ready in the first place, and was looking for love in the wrong place, and my emotions were weak, I did not have anything to prove, in my weakness I would have been strong, if pride and past pain had not been allowed to control me, and I did allow it, like a little abused child.

I thought she was an angel from God, someone I would never be good enough for, the one I would love and never have. I was a mess of a person. If you look me up in Sherry Shreibers website, You can find me, along with my wife as a BPD waif. Even when gone for two years I still pictured her in a dream state, feeling like I failed to help her, and that it was mostly my fault.

Romans 7:23-25 (King James Version)

23 But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members.

24 O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from the body of this death?

25 I thank God through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin.

I was not ready to return, and she was not either. There were things that needed to be addressed, and they were put off mostly because of my guilt of leaving in the first place. That is the danger of rebound relationships, you never get yourself straightened out, and your off to pursue another, with the same lack of understanding, that you started with.



Then I am comforted by this also.


Psalm 8:3-5 (King James Version)

3 When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou hast ordained;

4 What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?

5 For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour.

When I think of all the mistakes, the trials and tribulations, the failures and misconceptions I have lived under and also perpetrated on others, there just HAS to be a God, and I agree with you, he has a great sense of humor.

One of the best things he has done for me, is break down misconceptions, and the strongholds within my mind, and left me to again see that I really have limits of control over anybody else and thier thoughts or free will, it is true..

Hebrews 12:26-28 (King James Version)

26 Whose voice then shook the earth: but now he hath promised, saying, Yet once more I shake not the earth only, but also heaven.

27 And this word, Yet once more, signifieth the removing of those things that are shaken, as of things that are made, that those things which cannot be shaken may remain.

28 Wherefore we receiving a kingdom which cannot be moved, let us have grace, whereby we may serve God acceptably with reverence and godly fear:

We fear what we respect, and I hope that I will continue to learn to fear God and accept Him as the one guiding light in everything I hope for thats good and right in this short vapor of a life. I have had my trips to Gods woodshed, may curses be turned into blessings, as he can do. I have witnessed it in my life also, as you have yourself Peachy. In the end, I hope like the Springsteen song, I "can look back and Laugh.." I can expect that from God, that he will lighten me up again, as he has so many years ago, when he first set me free, and I could laugh at myself. I don't completly understand how I turned my W into my God, or how I also served her whims and emotions until they did her in, and how I could ever trust myself again. But even that can be funny, that I take myself that seriuosly.

God certainly has a sense of humor

End T/J

(Hope in some small way this helps Lostm, if only to serve as how you can trust God for everything, and not lean upon your own understanding, as pain can sometimes drive us to. Don't let it brother, its a mirage, a test, a projection. You are greatly loved)

I would say so, in this situation you are in a dangerous place with her. to be sure.

I had a dream last night that she was trying tell me she was sorry and it was making me mad. I guess maybe that is telling me that maybe i am at peace with her seeking divorce. I then had a dream of meeting someone new. I have some pretty whacked up dreams from time to time. Time will only tell right now.

Her mom is going to see the counselor today to try and figure out how to handle her WW daughter. She was so mad at her last night with some of the stunts shes been pulling with the family it was almost comical. I got a good chewing from her about WW. Not directed to me, just a source for venting.

Today my mil and 2 sister in laws are at my house cleaning for me while im at work since i barely have time to do anything. It will be hard to leave this kind of close family behind due to WW's decisions.