My wife and I recently both divulged that we have both had affairs on each other over the course of our marriage. We have been trying to work through other issues, and we finally both came clean as to what we both had done in the past. We have been married for 10 years, and have an 8 year old son. We both have agreed to tell the other all of our misdeeds from the past, so as to hopefully have everything on the table and then to be able to decide whether we can then move forward and try to work things out, or to walk away and end things.

My problem is that there is an affair that I cannot tell my wife about. I had an emotional affair with a friend of hers that eventually did turn into a physical affair. The physical portion of the affair only lasted a week, but we did have sex 4 times over that week. We no longer have any contact, and therefore the affair is over between us. I am willing to tell my wife what happened, and to live with the consequences (I assume this would be the final straw), but her friend is mortally petrified of the ramifications of what would happen if my wife found out. She would be embarrassed and humiliated among their mutual friends, and has said she would kill herself if my wife ever found out. That her life would essentially be over and there would be nothing to live for. I believe that she would do it. She knew the consequences of our affair going in, and made the choice to go through with it, but can't live with the potential fallout now.

I know that I couldn't live with myself if she were to kill herself because of something I had a part of. So now I am stuck keeping the truth from my wife. I don't know if I can work through the things my wife has done, but the idea of being able to do that, but then to have to keep this huge secret for the rest of my life while in the relationship with my wife, is hard to imagine.

I can't forgive myself for what I have done, especially because I haven't confessed to everything. I am also therefore having a hard time forgiving my wife for her affairs as well. Pretty much, it's a huge mess.

We are currently in MC, and my wife is attending IC as well.

Tough crap. Your wife not only deserves to know what her skanky friend did to her but you are ENABLING this OW by helping her hide her dirty secret. That does not help your OW learn from her mistake and grow. And just so you know, most OW are too self centered and narcisstic to kill themselves. But they sure don't hesitate to play the suicide card when it is convenient.

Your wife has a right and a need to know. To not tell her her is cruel and manipulative and places the best interest of skanky above your wife.

Your marriage will NEVER recover as long as it is built on lies and deceit. You will have thrown away all your efforts here over absolutely nothing if you continue to lie and cover up for the OW.

In short, your OW's suicide threat does not excuse your lies. There is no excuse whatsoever for lying to your wife anymore.

p.s. if your adultery partner plays the suicide card, then call 911 for her. That is all you can do.

First thing first.

Your "friend" of your ww is no friend at all, and she's scared because she skanked around and screwed THE HUSBAND OF HER GOOD FRIEND.

She's freaking out because her actions might come out in the open now. Should've thought that one out a little better.

A marriage cannot survive when it is wreaked with lies and hypocrisy and multiple affairs. It's good you're here and welcome to MB, but part of MB is openness and HONESTY. RADICAL honesty. No tricle truth.

Trickle truth is a painful way of leaking out slowly the indiscretions of affairs, and draws out pain and extremely hurting to the betrayed spouse.

I am very curious. HOW do you know that the ow/backstabbing "friend" of your wife would kill herself or how she would feel if the truth was finally told to your wife if you are NOT in contact with the other woman? How can you know that? By mental telepathy?

You cannot heal if there can be no real truth or honesty. It has to be done. You're not stuck keeping the truth, you're stuck KEEPING THE LIES of the woman who backstabbed your wife.

Most likely, your backstabbing x other woman "friend", is doing this to save face and avoid being the town tart, the woman who screwed her friends' husband. But if you seriously think she is going to have suicidal tendencies, call 911. Let the hospital or a health professional help the x other woman with that problem. Nobody knows if it is her being manipulative or a real threat. So I'd call 911 if she threatens again.

The ow made that choice when she did the unthinkable and had sex with her friends' hubby (you). Like the Good Book says, "Lies begat lies".

You can start over, and MC is good, but getting MC from MARRIAGE BUILDERS has saved many a marriage on the brink of disaster.

She should be embarrassed and humiliated among their mutual friends. That is a consequence of her affair. Don't protect her from the conquences of her actions. Enabling does not help anyone. Further, the other friends need to know this so they can watch their backs around this skank. She is a threat to marriage.

The physical affair occurred after my wife and I separated. That doesn't change anything or make it less worse, but at the time it happened, I felt zero hope that we would ever work it out.

We are not in contact. As we ended things, she expressed her fear that my wife would find out, and that she would rather end her life than deal with the consequences. She confided in me previously that she was on the brink of attempting suicide many years ago, but stopped at the last minute, so I do believe her.

I don't expect people to condone me covering it up. I just feel like I am painted into a corner and wanted some advice.

You haven't seen a real mess until you have seen a marriage in which a WS plays trickle truth head games with his spouse like you are proposing. If you withhold anything, you will be sabatoging all of your efforts because when it comes out, you will put your marriage right back to a D-Day that will be much worse than the first one.

The trauma to your marriage will be compounded with the knowledge that you were still LYING even after pledging to tell the truth. She will NEVER be able to trust you after that.

So, if you want to save this already screwed up marriage, you had better lose the dishonesty. Honesty is the solution to adultery, not more lies. Don't wreck your one chance to turn this around. You help NO ONE by doing that. You don't help the OW, yourself, or your wife.

And secondly, does this OW still associate with your wife? You certainly realize that it would be cruel to allow this ho to come around your wife, don't you?

Call 911.

But tell your wife the truth about her life. Stop the lying.

Keep this in mind:

"Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering."

Have you read the basics on this site?