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My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have two children, 6 and 4. We have had our share of struggles over the years, intimacy, making time for each other, etc. When we had been married for a little over 12 months, my wife became distant. I could tell something was going on with her, and I tried to get her to open up to me. She just told me she was unhappy with her life and needed to work on some issues. As time went by, after about 6 months or so, things improved and I never thought twice about what may have been going on behind the scenes. Well I just found out that she had not one, but two affairs during that time. She claims that she didn't confess at the time because she feared that it would have hurt me. Well yes it would have, and I would have left her to boot.
I feel like since that would have been my decision then, that I shouldn't feel any differently now. She argues that we have had so many good times since then, and made the choice to have kids, that I should give her another chance. I told her that I wasn't presented with all the evidence when I made the choice to have kids with her, that if I had known the truth, I wouldn't have made the decision to have kids. That my life for the past 10+ years has been built on lies and deception.
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What do you want from the MB members and/or this site?
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I guess advice from anyone who has had a similar situation, or insight into dealing with finding out about an affair that happened a number of years ago, but only finding out now. I know the decision is ultimately mine whether to leave or not, but am I overreacting since it happened so long ago?
She claims she was a different person back then and immature, that she isn't that person anymore. I have a hard time looking at her though and not thinking about her with those other men. Maybe it's just still so fresh and I need to give it time.
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I guess advice from anyone who has had a similar situation, or insight into dealing with finding out about an affair that happened a number of years ago, but only finding out now. I know the decision is ultimately mine whether to leave or not, but am I overreacting since it happened so long ago?
She claims she was a different person back then and immature, that she isn't that person anymore. I have a hard time looking at her though and not thinking about her with those other men. Maybe it's just still so fresh and I need to give it time. Well, considering that you JUST found out, it may as well have happened yesterday. Add to that years of lies and deceit on her part, and you get exactly how you feel now. The approach remains the same, if you wish to save your marriage still, and it begins here; http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.htmlRead the subsequent articles, and base your questions from there.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have two children, 6 and 4. We have had our share of struggles over the years, intimacy, making time for each other, etc. When we had been married for a little over 12 months, my wife became distant. I could tell something was going on with her, and I tried to get her to open up to me. She just told me she was unhappy with her life and needed to work on some issues. As time went by, after about 6 months or so, things improved and I never thought twice about what may have been going on behind the scenes. Well I just found out that she had not one, but two affairs during that time. She claims that she didn't confess at the time because she feared that it would have hurt me. Well yes it would have, and I would have left her to boot.
I feel like since that would have been my decision then, that I shouldn't feel any differently now. She argues that we have had so many good times since then, and made the choice to have kids, that I should give her another chance. I told her that I wasn't presented with all the evidence when I made the choice to have kids with her, that if I had known the truth, I wouldn't have made the decision to have kids. That my life for the past 10+ years has been built on lies and deception. Can you give us a little more background? How did you find out about the affairs? What were the circumstances?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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I guess advice from anyone who has had a similar situation, or insight into dealing with finding out about an affair that happened a number of years ago, but only finding out now. I know the decision is ultimately mine whether to leave or not, but am I overreacting since it happened so long ago? I don't believe your scenario and suspect you are the one hiding the affair. Know why? Because when a spouse finds out he has been lied to and tricked about the adultery the wound is compounded and he is DEVASTATED by the added level of cruelty and deceit. Not only were you cheated on, but your spouse lied to you and tricked you into staying in a marriage against your will. I wouldn't expect the reaction you are exhibiting here. I don't believe your story and suspect you are trying to trick your spouse and justify it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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An adulterer who persists in lying to his victim is a very dangerous, manipulative person. They are not in the least remorseful and are very likely to do it again. They are the bank robber who hides his crime.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry to burst your detective bubble Melody, but that is not the case. My response was based on Pepperband's question, and honestly I felt the question alluded to my problem being not important or something that had an obvious solution.
D-Day for me was about 6 weeks ago, and if I had written on this board THEN, I would have been much more angry, resentful and hurt. My wife wouldn't respond to my emails because they lashed out at her so much. We have been separated since that day, so I chose to only email her for the first week in regard to my feelings, as a conversation in person or over the phone would have been a lot of yelling and screaming.
I have been working on trying to come back to the marriage and at least try to work through things, but I continue to not be able to get past the lies and visions of her with the other men.
I have asked her the same question that I posed above, "Why if I would have divorced you THEN, would I not divorce you NOW?"
And she has no answer. I thought maybe someone on here could lend some insight into a similar scenario. As far as I am concerned, there is no difference, but I thought maybe someone could play devil's advocate and make me at least try to see the other side of the equation.
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I found out about the affairs by reading her diary. We had been discussing our current issues, and I had brought up her time period from back then when she was distant, and questioned exactly what was going on with her. Apparently that brought back the guilt and it was fresh in her head, and she wrote about it in her diary, and I read it the next morning after she had left for work. I then confronted her on it that night after we had put our kids to bed. She initially denied it and denied it, but then when I told her I had read her diary, she admitted to it, but trickle truthed me along the way. I THINK I know the full story now, but I am still having issues with trusting her.
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Both of the men she had affairs with were old friends from high school and college. The one man she was with twice, and the second man only once. At least that is what she has told me. They were out with a group of mutual friends at the bar or a house party, and after the party she went home with them, when she had told me she'd be spending the night with a friend of hers.
She claims she felt awful about it, but I then asked her how she then went a did it a second and third time (with the 2nd man)?
She claims she was having issues, and went to these other men because she liked the attention and it made her feel good. She liked the fact that they found her attractive and wanted to be with her, even though I was sitting home and wanted to be with her as well.
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Sorry to burst your detective bubble Melody, but that is not the case. My response was based on Pepperband's question, and honestly I felt the question alluded to my problem being not important or something that had an obvious solution. I beg your pardon for being such a fool. I would only ask that you take the time and go post to another new member who is considering lying to his wife about his own affair in a similar fashion. He is considering lying to his wife so he can trick her into staying married to him. A real mean guy.  He feels it is in the best interest of his OW, of course. Maybe you could share your thoughts with him about the impact of being lied to in addition to the adultery. His screenname is: needadvice36m and his thread is here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, I'm not lying, everything I said is true. The affair that you speak of was a revenge affair after I found out about my wife's adultery. I was just looking for an unbiased opinion of what she did, without bias.
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Well, I'm not lying, everything I said is true. The affair that you speak of was a revenge affair after I found out about my wife's adultery. I was just looking for an unbiased opinion of what she did, without bias. Oh, I see. A justified affair? So you are justified in lying to her about your affair but she is not justified in lying to you?  No, you were looking for an "opinion" that is based on an incomplete set of facts, needadvice36m. We can't very well help you if you are dishonest with us as well as your wife.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Just a suggestion. If you want help here, be honest. Don't make up new screen names and present half baked stories when board members don't tell you what you want to hear. It is an insult and a waste of our valuable time.
Not to mention being against TOS: "You agree not to create multiple usernames for deceptive purposes."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, I'm not lying, everything I said is true. The affair that you speak of was a revenge affair after I found out about my wife's adultery. I was just looking for an unbiased opinion of what she did, without bias. Wow, trying to trick the board won't help. We would still help you if you tell the truth. So which story and what parts of both stories are true:
My wife and I recently both divulged that we have both had affairs on each other over the course of our marriage. We have been trying to work through other issues, and we finally both came clean as to what we both had done in the past. We have been married for 10 years, and have an 8 year old son. We both have agreed to tell the other all of our misdeeds from the past, so as to hopefully have everything on the table and then to be able to decide whether we can then move forward and try to work things out, or to walk away and end things.
My problem is that there is an affair that I cannot tell my wife about. I had an emotional affair with a friend of hers that eventually did turn into a physical affair. The physical portion of the affair only lasted a week, but we did have sex 4 times over that week. We no longer have any contact, and therefore the affair is over between us. I am willing to tell my wife what happened, and to live with the consequences (I assume this would be the final straw), but her friend is mortally petrified of the ramifications of what would happen if my wife found out. She would be embarrassed and humiliated among their mutual friends, and has said she would kill herself if my wife ever found out. That her life would essentially be over and there would be nothing to live for. I believe that she would do it. She knew the consequences of our affair going in, and made the choice to go through with it, but can't live with the potential fallout now.
I know that I couldn't live with myself if she were to kill herself because of something I had a part of. So now I am stuck keeping the truth from my wife. I don't know if I can work through the things my wife has done, but the idea of being able to do that, but then to have to keep this huge secret for the rest of my life while in the relationship with my wife, is hard to imagine.
I can't forgive myself for what I have done, especially because I haven't confessed to everything. I am also therefore having a hard time forgiving my wife for her affairs as well. Pretty much, it's a huge mess.
We are currently in MC, and my wife is attending IC as well. Oh, and I'm pretty sure posting under different usernames for deceptive purposes is against TOS. Wanna start over and try again? This time the complete truth, in even the smallest details (like number of children, etc.)?
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Please tell your other self that you're getting some flack for not telling your w about your affairs. Choose which screen name you are wanting to be, and begin from that point. NO lies. No covering up. We can't help if you're not honest w/us. We don't know you. We aren't gonna come over to your house and whomp you with a big stick, but we can do it with a smilie here though. 
Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
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The only way you will have a recovered and strong marriage is if you agree to be completely transparent with your wife as well. Yea you might feel she has deceived and built a marriage on lies but SO HAVE YOU!
We all have deceived our families with who we really are. Most people in marriages are of this type of liar: Protective Liar, Emotional Liar, Avoid-Argument Liar, Feel Good Liar, etc
Which one are you proprogating?
Before you ask your wife to be honest and faithful you should do the following:
1. Tell your wife your affair story with complete facts.
2. Be transparent-hang over passwords, cell phone, emails, letters, etc to your wife.
3. Give your wife the name, address, and phone number of your lover. Ask her to expose it to her family, friends, your family, etc. That way it will help her have support plus expose your sin as well
4. Write a No Contact letter to your lover and ask your wife to read it making sure it is acceptable to her... have her send it out. Then never talk or see this person again either in person or online.
Ask your wife to do the same thing my friend.... that way you guys can both be covered for your infidelities.
Read MB concepts and apply it to your lives.
Grow in your marriage.
Eric
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