Constant Process,
I don't think you need to miss out on "falling in love" ever again, just be more aware of what it is and what it isn't. Falling in love often occurs in the earlier stages, before you know the person that well and it can cloud your thinking...so perhaps it's a good thing to know a person first, as a friend, give it plenty of time to develop, and if the falling in love happens then, perhaps you'll be more ready for it. And I don't feel sorry for you, good heavens, look how many of us are on here, this is too commonplace a happening to waste time feeling sorry for us! But neither does it diminish respect either! Look how many of us have been duped or made the wrong choices! Should that destroy our respect? No! Life is an experience, we hopefully learn and don't repeat our mistakes, but if we do, the lesson is still the same, and we learn and move on.
I tend to lean toward the side of caution now...mostly because I haven't in the past...in the past I threw myself wholeheartedly (too fast) into my relationships. I am not willing to do that again. I am worth someone's time and patience and if anyone in the future wants to get to know me, they're going to have to give it both. And if not, that's okay too.
It's funny, but some are ready to date six months after an ended marriage...but it's been eight months since my fiance broke up with me and I am still do not want to date. But that's not just because of this failed relationship, but many. I want and need a break. You see, I don't think it's that I did something wrong within the relationships themselves, so much as I haven't learned how to pick them. And if I can't do a better job of that than I have, then I'll abstain. You're right that it takes time for us not only to heal but figure things out.

Yeah I know this of course and I will be careful, but in my case I have been attracted to the Damsel,(or Dumbsel), in distress types. The very intelligent and also attractive women I have had opportunities to get seriuos with I have not felt the drive, or the confidance.

I understand why also, it was my own weak-self image. Needing to be needed meant starting lower down the scales, in the last case with someone with really bad problems. That kind of attitude might make for a nice human interest project or sponsor or friendship, or even a ministry, (which marriage and family is the biggest one), but its not grounds to "fall" in love.

Maybe my attitude will change as time goes on and God heals me also. I know that I have a lot of work to do yet anyway before I am happy with myself. This is for the third time in my life a chance to get all my ducks in a row, before I look for romance. Now at 53 and having a vasectomy, with no longer having that dream of wife, kids, happy marriage package nessesary or even possible during those prime years,(30-on), it becomes even more nessesary to have certain things in order. This time there will be nothing to prove or no need for support in some great dramatic struggle.

But I will still move forward with the gifts I allready have, and smell the roses also, expecting that God has great things out here if I will just open my eyes and heart to them.

Lol Just thought of that old song line, "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden, along with the sunshine, you gotta take a little rain sometimes, So smile to yourself and lets be Jolly, try not to be so melancoly, come and enjoy the good times while you can.."

Pretty sappy huh?

Hey fred I just realized I was highjacking your thread, sorry bout that.

Thanks Kay, and your right bad experiences should not diminish respect, I try my best not to feel sorry for myself, I don't trust sympathy anyways, unless its from God, and I don't see Him feeling sorry for me.

Not to worry, CP. It's been pretty much on the back burner lately, anyway.

Besides, I've enjoyed reading your discourse...

Thanks for all the thoughts on dating, y'all.

I've been having a hard time the last few days. My ex-husband is sending me crazy emails.

One word for you...

Intermediary.

Hi Fred,

Hijacking your thread one last time.



I agree with this.

C.P., none of us are perfect, and you don't have to be. I understand we all need to do some self reflection, and learn from our mistakes. But we're going to continue to make mistakes, I guarantee it.

I don't think we need to focus all of our attention on fixing everything that went wrong, although working in that direction is a good thing. jAnd I'm not saying anyone is doing this. But I've realized that since we're never going to be perfect, and we won't ever date or marry anyone that's perfect, maybe we could focus some more on accepting flaws in ourselves, and others. Because that's reality, and no illusions is a good thing too.

So as to reclaim my own thread, I thought an update might be in order.

Dancing Gal has recently been seeming "approachable" if you can say smiling at me and taking time to speak with me with more than just a passing word or two "approachable."

As luck (?) would have it, I received in my email an early list of cooking classes for May, and asked her if any sounded appealing. She admitted one called "French Asian Fusion" sounded tasty, so tonight I reserved two seats for us. I then called her and we firmed up our plans to go. It's a month away...

Here's another twist: My daughter has been after me to do the online dating thing. Ugh. But I thought to myself, what the heck? Months ago I had created an account on the free OKcupid site, so I began spending some time filling out my profile and looking at matches earnestly. Guess what? I've actually started some conversations! Small potatoes, I know. But I always start with baby steps...

Thats funny Fred, OK cupid is where my 20 yr old goes to talk to girls, but he didn't allways have the best reputation for his choices,(although he has gotten better latley), so I hooked that up with his Rep.

I think its a sign of the times, and with wisdom online chatting can start the ball rolling, just as all communication is important, take it for what its worth. Its time in the trenches, as long as you keep your head down, you can learn a lot about someone until your ready to see if they are real if and when you meet them in person.

Good news about Dancing G and cooking class, it sounds like a good theme, French and monosodium Glutamate, how can you go wrong with that in your taste buds?

Meeting people through online dating sites has its ups and downs just like meeting people IRL. One thing I liked about it was (yes, notice past tense...more on that in a second)it provided greater opportunity/accessibility than just trying to meet people here or there. I've never been keen on the bar scene and online sites were open 24/7 for "shopping." I also found it easier to say I wasn't interested online than IRL. (I felt so powerful saying "delete" "delete" "delete" LOL!) Just like IRL, you will meet some real dogs and you have to be VERY careful and take things VERY slowly. You also have to beware of the crazies...I dated on for several months who turned out to be a real looney tune...when I stopped seeing him, my 9-year old son told me that was a good thing because, "He's a sad, strange, little man Mama!" In fact, to this day, my son calls him "Freaky [insert first name]."

All in all, I dated 3 men I met online for 1 - 7 months (not all at the same time!!! ). A fourth man I met on Match.com I dated for 17 months and he proposed to me 2 weeks ago on my 50th Birthday. We have not set a date, yet. So, as far as I'm concerned, online dating is no better or worse than meeting people IRL if you are careful and apply the same safeguards you would apply if you were meeting someone out and about IRL.

Congratulations, BB! It's nice to hear happy endings!

Fred, it sounds like you're doing well...funny, I don't even have the least inclination to date or meet someone. It would be nice to have someone to share life with but I have no hope left in me of having that and no inclination to put forth the required effort to meet someone...too gunshy I guess.

I dunno, once again you are pursuing her, Fred, with no initiative shown by her. I just don't like this dynamic.

I'd take your daughter's advice and try the online dating. Gives you lots of options. Of course I am biased, because I ended up marrying someone I met online .

AGG

Congrats! So good to see good things happen.

NO initiative? I see SOME. Maybe she is cautiously sizing him up.....

Congratulations, BB!

AGG, I hear you (read you?). My response, perhaps a bit too simplistic, is that I enjoy her company, and I'm nowhere near being ready to jump into a deep relationship right now. So, if we can spend time together doing something we both enjoy, what's the harm?

It's encouraging to read online dating success stories. I guess I've thought to myself, "no, it can't happen to me." But how do I know if I don't give it a try, right?

Zactly

Yeah Kay, I am in the same place really, but you never know till you know if and when your ready. Like the Paublo Cruz song, "If you keep your heart open love will find a way" There is all kinds of love out there to experience still, and when we are ready we will know it, but till then we sre still loved anyway, and can be thankful that we know what it is.

All things in good time.

Call me a cynic, but I don't consider her "admitting" that a cooking class that Fred mentioned qualifies as "initiative". Initiative is when she suggests something, not merely acquiesces...

AGG

Fred! I like the idea of online dating for you. I wish I had thought of it a long time ago. It would give you a good opportunity to break the ice and establish a bit of a connection before going out.
From my limited experience they have all different sections so you could start with common experiences/intentions and go from there. Plus you can go at whatever pace you want. Some people talk for weeks before even considering actually meeting up.
And like schtoop said if you have a few of your own teeth and some common decency, you'll get a lot of attention.
you have to be careful, obviously. but what the heck, right?
opt

(Checks mirror...)

I think I pass - just barely - in this department.

Well, the "beauty of online dating is that you don't EVER have to meet in person...

uhhh....sure, Fred... a little self depricating humor can go a long way, lol. You're going to be great!
Hey, too bad you're not running in the Boston Marathon, Fred. We could meet in the North End for some pasta on Sunday! ~~next year~~
(and no, I don't run, but I do eat pasta, lol)
opt