Hi, I'm new here. My H is having an affair with a girl 16 years younger, minimum wage, dependent on him for $, guidance, etc. She is very romantic, sexual and appreciative and he is HOOKED. It's been going on for 16 months but I found out 5 months ago.

My H said he has a mental block and can't perform sexually with me, with OW he has no trouble at all. I've been advised by a good psychologist that he NEEDs to be the caretaker of somebody totally dependent on him to feel "love" and sexual. I was once dependent on him... I'm fighting a losing battle and feel there's no hope.

I've done everything - crying, fixing myself, reasoning, ultimatum - and I kicked him out 6 weeks ago. We have a one year old baby so I still allow him to come daily for the baby.

The girl doesn't know he is married and separated - she might have suspicion... Based on what I've read on this website, I should confront her, expose the A to his family to try to end it.

Should I? Given my H's false personality, he will likely continue to look for a needy woman to feel like a hero, to get high and feel love. If I know there's a chance to save this M, I'm willing to do anything - exposing the A, going limited contact with him, etc. Is NC possible as our baby is only 1 year old?

Please help.

Welcome to MB, Madison. I am so sorry to hear about this affair.

You do need to finish Plan A, which includes exposure (which you appear to know about), and move quickly to Plan B, as soon as you can arrange for an intermediary to deal with your H's visits to the baby, and the same one (or a different person) to deal with important issues between you and your H, such as finances. If your H does not end the affair (he must prove this!) and commit to Dr Harley's programme for recovery, which includes no contact (NC) with his affair partner FOR LIFE, then you should move to Plan B within a week or two. You are feeding your H's appetite for cake by providing the benefits of marriage and allowing him the benefits of his affair, both at the same time. He must be made to choose between these lifestyles. He must not be allowed to have them both.

Please tell us more about this OW. Do you know her name? (Don't tell us her name!) Did they meet through work, in the neighbourhood, via Facebook or through a hobby? Is she married, or does she live with her parents? Does she have any kids?

How did you find out about the affair? Do you have any way of spying on his mobile phone or email to see how things are progressing? Where is your H living now - with her?

How old are you and your H? How long have you been married? Is this your only marriage (for both of you) and do you have any other children? Is your husband supporting you financially and paying the rent or mortgage? Is there any legal agreement to enforce this arrangement?

Finally, please click the "notify" button at the bottom of this post and ask a moderator to move this thread to the forum Surviving an Affair. MB 101 is not the correct forum for getting help with an affair.

You absolutely should let her know that he is married. Not only is he hurting you but he's also hurting her.

You need to read plan A and plan B and learn what the STICK is in plan A.

Exposure is that big stick!

You should let the WORLD know that the reason you're separated is not b/c you're not getting along, but because HE IS HAVING AN IMMORAL AFFAIR.

My wxh used to tell people that we were separated (and divorcing) because we didn't get along well anymore.

That was true, but the REASON we weren't getting along, was because he was boinking a s(ut!

You need to find out who the ow is, her address, FIND HER FB PAGE, and discover who her fb friends are and begin the exposure process like yesterday and do it ALL AT ONCE. So you need to begin a recon mission to find out who the target list is.

If they met at work, that WOULD include bosses, human resources, ceo, etc. Because that would be the nest of evil where the affair began. It ALSO includes OW'S FAMILY, and WH's family too. Anybody and anyone who would help reign hell down on the affair and put pressure on it.

Affairs LOOOOOVE fantasy. That's what keeps it all going. Look, this little ho is NO SEX THERAPIST. She's a posow who is going to try to steal your family and your life. I could care less if some people think she's a nice person, that woman does not care for you or your children and she is stalking your H and YOUR LIFE. Time to kill that affair cold.

If ow thinks she has it bad now, make the REVEAL OF THE AFFAIR cause a greater world of hurt on her because it's out in the open. Make it so uncomfortable and out there, that the fun of rutting in secret like pigs, (shouldn't really use pigs, as they are a very sweet and noble animal probably with a bigger conscience than most active waywards have) will forever be a thing of the past.

Click the Carrot/Stick link in my sig line.

Welcome to MB.
Stick around.

Thanks so much for your replies.

Yes I know OW's name. She works at a coffee place that H comes regularly. She is single and is living with sister's family.

No, I do't know how the A is going on right now. H said he is "staying still" with her and not moving forward. H is living in a temp rental, not with OW.

I'm 40 and H 37. This is the first marriage for both of us - 4 years - and this is our first baby. Yes, H is supporting me and baby financially. I talked to H about a legal separation agreement but he said not necessary and too expensive.


I know for sure that after exposure, he will be mad and might not come for the baby. Further advice please!
I'm reading re. carrot/stick.

He is more likely to do this again if you DON'T. As long as there continues to be a payoff for his adultery, why not do it again and again? But if you exposed the affair and forced him to answer for himself to outsiders, he would gain a new perspective. He would be able to see himself through the eyes of others. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping this secret for him and the OW FUELS the affair. Essentially, you become an enabler to his bad behavior.

I would expose the affair wide and far. Call the OW, call her parents, family members, his parents, everyone. This is how your H will wake up. And you very much should be in an air tight Plan B now. Allowing him to contact you at all serves to prop up the affair because he has TWO WOMEN meeting his needs.

I would hire an attorney and file on grounds of adultery - if you can - to make sure he continues to support you. You need to get this legal protection for you and your baby. What your H says about this is irrelevant; he does not have your best interest at heart.

Yes, he will be mad! That is good!

Read up on Marriage Builders and build a PLAN, Madison. Read up on Plan B, which is a complete and total separation where you have NO contact with him. You allow him to see the child in another place, but you have no contact at all.

Go to the bookstore today and get the book Surviving an Affair and read it as fast as you can. Then check out Plan B and make plans to go completely dark. Check out this thread about Plan B: here

Please don't be distracted/misled/discouraged by this type of psychobabble. He let someone else meet his ENs (admiration, conversation...etc), plain and simple and that's how all affairs start. Just focus on killing the A, trust us!

You are getting great advice regarding exposure. It DOES work but must be executed strategically so tell us what your exposure plan is so that we can help you tweak it to be the most effective. Hang in there!

This can't be emphasized enough. You WANT your WH to be angry. That means you are interfering with the fantasy of the A! That means your exposure is working!

We have a saying around here: Your M can survive your WSs anger but it cannot survive an ongoing A...

Madison, please understand one very important thing: Your WH (Wayward Husband) is not, not, not trying to "choose" between you and his girlfriend.

This has nothing to do with which one of you is "better" for him.

He is doing exactly what every cheater does: He wants BOTH of you, and he will do or say whatever it takes to keep this sweet arrangement going as long as he possibly can.

Again: Your WH loves having both a wife *and* a girlfriend. THAT is what he really wants. He is lying to both of you and manipulating both of you so that he can HAVE both of you.

This is why the advice you are getting here is so important. It's your job to bust up this fantasy life of his, where he has both a wife and a girlfriend and honestly thinks he's entitled to live that way.

If you do not stand up to him and bust this up, you can bet everything you have that it will go on and on and on because he will NEVER stop it on his own. Even if this girlfriend leaves, he'll just get another one.

This is why the posters here are so strongly urging you to expose his cheating to everyone, because exposing it destroys the fantasy. Will he be furious? Yes. Will he ever stop on his own if you do nothing but placate him? No.

Help! where i can read more on plan A and B?

My plan on exposure:
- call his brother and his parents to let them know about OW. Knowing them, they won't confront my H as they are afraid he will avoid seeing them ----> tell H that his family know now (making him feel shameful)
- call his good friend/co-worker who is married and ask her to talk to him
- call and email OW and ask her to stop A

Advice please!

Madison,

MelodyLane linked a thread created here about how to do Plan B. However, here is a further link to Dr Harley's article. Please read them both:
What Are Plan A and Plan B?

Melody also advised you to expose to OW's parents and family. You said she is living with hert sister; she should be first on the list. Work out a way of contacting the sister that OW herself cannot intercept. Do not send a normal postal letter to her home, and do not leave a message on her answering machine. You could go to the house when OW is at work if you know that her sister will be at home. Does she stay at home with children?

What makes you think that OW doesn't know he is married with a baby? Did your H tell you this, or did you intercept a text message or email?

Do not tell H that his family knows. Let them tell him. Otherwise he will have time to think about a spin to his side of the story to try to win their support for himself.
Just tell his family and THEY will call him and say "Wife told us you are cheating on her......etc).

In your conversation and correspondence with each, tell them you love your H and are doing your best to save the marriage.

I don't know where she lives

I read some of their emails and that's how I got info. OW thinks he is going to marry her and they've talked about choosing songs for their wedding... I don't know how much is true because in my H's fantasy world, anything is possible.

I feel when/if I tell OW, she will react and put pressure on my H to leave me...

Ask them to speak to him and use their influence to persuade him to end his affair and come home./



Good. I would additionally contact the OW's parents and her sibs. Do you see a facebook page for her? If so, copy and paste all her contacts into a Word doc for safekeeping. When you speak to the OW, tell her your H's family has been informed of the affair and she will not be welcomed into that family. Let her know there is no future for her with your H.

No, I know his family, they will not confront my H. They are afraid he will avoid seeing them. I did tell his parents a few months ago and they decided to stay out of it, pretending they did not know. but I know my H will feel shameful that his family knows about this A.

Do you have directory assistance in your town? If so, look up her sisters address and go to her home with the baby and tell her about the affair. You need to also be contacting her sister and her parents so they all know she is shagging a married man.

And your husband has already left you so the OW can't put pressure on him to do something he has already done. You have already lost your H.