Yes, Markos...the boys are the reason we WON'T do that. It would stress them out I am sure. But we do have a real problem on our hands.

Thanks for understanding.

We aren't friends CWMI. It would not be comfortable for any of us just because we are in God's house.

Why the button pushing? My ds assaulted hers? Why that terminology? In that case her son assaulted mine too. But I do have animosity toward her the same as I do toward my XH. They are cheaters who blew up families.

SW, how about having someone else drop the kids? I know it's probably a schlep and all, but you guys sound like great folks and if you were my neighbor and it wasn't my holiday I'd go schlep them for you.

Thanks NED! Lots of people who would do that for us on ANY other day of the year. Everyone in our life will be at the same religious observance.

This junk has gone on all day. Dh has emailed and texted back and forth with her....He has remained very repectful but she a) wouldn't budge on letting the boys go with us and b)wouldn't let us take them home early so that we could get back home in time to make the service in our own congregation. He told he he could not make the 6 p.m. drop off. She said, 'not my problem. I can't get them before 6. I know your address and if you don't meet me at 6 I will call the police.'

Ugh. And a bunch of other stuff...'I'm not going to tolerate you dictating when you will drop the boys off.' FTR, he asked, suggested, reasoned...he didn't dictate. She is the only one dictating. "Be there at 6 or I will call police.'? Seriously?

Anyway, he has in mind a friend in the town where we drop them off....we could take them early to their house and they could go meet the XW at 6. It is either that or just not take them back (until the next morning) and deal with the consequences of that...I don't fear the police...I can't really picture them busting into our religous service to arrest my dh...but I do fear, as does dh, getting the boys all upset because they know their mom will be upset.

SW-

How does your husband feel about going back to court to make it possible to follow visitation? I could see how it may be unwelcome in the short run, but it may make your life more simple/less dramatic in the long run..

Perfect! How'd it go?

If she keeps on being so unreasonable we will have to....but not sure it would help. Because it is the special situations that she is so difficult about.....no matter how detailed a visitation plan is there will always be times an adjustment is needed.

In the end, she texted back and 'allowed' my dh to take the boys home at 3:00. He had to drive all the way to their town instead of meeting her half way.

He inteneds to write a follow up email to her, pointing out that none of the drama and threats were necessary and that all it did was upset everyone. The boys were upset in the end too because she waited until an hour before he had to leave to tell him she would let him do that. So even though we didn't tell them any of what was going on between their parents, they had to hurry and pack up at the last minute and it didn't go the way she had told them it would.

She knew from the very beginning that it would be impossible for dh to be at regular drop off point at 6:00 p.m. on this special night. So instead of being obtuse why not come up with an alternate plan in the beginning instead of all the threats and drama and blaming.

In this case, when you guys finally came up with a plan, the drama went away... if you think this kind of thing will be constantly resurfacing (maybe she won't stop until she gets her way with the visitation weekends) perhaps you could look into registering with one of those services that provides sitters/intermediaries for children. My friend works for the local one where I live. Many parents I work with enjoy the convenience of having a sitter with background check show up time/place needed to watch your kid. They list jobs, and someone from their pool of sitters takes the job.

They're pricey and I prefer to have someone reliable that I already know (sometimes you get a sitter you�ve never met before), so I haven�t actually used them yet, but registering for them in case of emergency is part of my adjustment to single mom-hood.

I couldn�t find it, but an earlier post said part of the problem may be the enjoyment they get out of your reactions. A service like that could help you find a permanent or occasional IM so that you can both minimize their ability to see your reactions as well as defuse drama like this drop-off scheduled during the important religious service.

She never knew dh was considering that. After one of her long, button pushing texts where she said (again) that she would call police if we didn't have them there AT SIX...well, dh just went totally silent on her. Many hours later she texted back with the suggestion that we bring them all the way home at 3:00.

I don't know if she gets enjoyment out of causing us grief...it seems to be more about having her way. And she had it in her mind that it would be convenient (for her) to retrieve the boys (in their suits) at 6:00 and she could then drive to a congregation nearby for the service before she went home. It was as if she had blinders on to any other reasonable compromise because she wanted it a certain way. Oh and along with the fact, she WAS still very angry about dh refusing to keep my ds from the boys. She even said, 'well, you wouldn't cooperate with me about switching weekends, so this is what you get.' In that case, DC, you are right, she WAS getting some spiteful enjoyment out of causing us grief.

However, dh said he knows SHE was VERY upset the entire weekend too...because those types of things really upset her. He said he was sure she was sobbing her eyes out most of the weekend. So she brought grief on herself too.

Boys only have 4 more weeks of school. Time for dh to begin discussions with her about how to split summer break. Oh joy.

Just an update. Looking over the calender and I believe the last time XH had OW and her child there with ds was 3-27! That was the huge blow up over OW's son punching ds in stomach.

And XH has been letting ds play with the neighbor and have neighbor eat supper with them. XH asked ds if he is happier when OW isn't there and ds told him yes. So it appears XH is trying to make ds's time with him more pleasant.

Every year for the last 10 years or so, XH has gone on a big 4 wheeler ride on Easter weekend. (never took me or ds though) This year it fell on his weekend (this weekend) with our ds. I told dh weeks ago that I was sure XH 1)would not skip the trip 2)would not take ds with him--it would cramp his style.

XH had a limited amount of discussion with me about it. About 2 weekends ago he mentioned it and asked if I would switch out the last two weekends in April. I said I would have to see what was going on last weekend of April (my weekend) and let him know about that but that it was certainly ok for him to skip his weekend. Then on Wednesday of this week he asked ds if he wanted to go and ds said no. So this morning at 7:30 I get a text that says, 'ds doesn't want to go on the trip, so can I just get him on Sunday.' I replied, 'sure, no problem.'

Lately it feels like he is going back to the kind of father he was to ds before the seperation. The more I back off the more he goes back to his old patterns.

Hi SW,

I haven't posted too much on your thread, because I really don't have any advice for you. I didn't have to deal with what you are dealing with.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for your frustration. I hope things can smooth out for your family soon.

Thanks MY.

Update....just to keep from having HUGE updates...:)


Took ds to his counseling session today. Was able to tell the counselor we are having issues still with him hitting himself. He was with ds about 45 min and then called me back. He is working with that specific issue with ds....and wants me to help him keep ds accountable. Ds is not being honest with counselor (ds told me this after we left today), so that is a problem too. I will start keeping a log of the times that ds hits on himself.

Counselor did help me with ideas on bedtime...how to help ds wind down without it devolving into a meltdown like it often does at the end of the day. Ok, that sentence made it sound like he is 2 and I can't get him to stay in his crib or something. Good grief....to explain, I often put ds to bed, say prayers and then ds wants to go over EVERY single thing that has happened to him that day and that usually morphs out to all the woes of his life...well, counselor gave me some specific things to do to control bedtime routines and help ds calm down.


He doesn't seem to act like there is anything horribly wrong with ds. He talks to ds about 'your kind of brain', and says it is an intense personality and that bedtime if often like that for kids like him because they can't get things to shut down/off. Oh, and he told ds today that he comes by his intense personality honestly. Hmmm....:)

This is common in kids...it is a quiet time where you get a parent to yourself and you want to talk to the parent about what is going on. When they get older they won't want to talk to you much so cherish this time. I would mentally prepare myself for a 20 minute bedtime routine instead of a 5 minute one. Also maybe have your son talk about good things as well and things he is grateful for.

Maybe my son and I are just prone to meltdowns, lol, but that makes total sense to me. We�re very �intense� our selves (trying to overcome that!)

Curious what things the counselor told you to ease the routine? Our routine is book, prayer, snuggle w/accompanying �spew� of daily events. I try to budget enough bedtime to allow him to spew. And insist on a very short book if I don�t budget enough time. The talking/snuggling is the most important thing to him. But if I don�t go through the whole thing, it�s scream-city. I�d love to find some techniques to cut that time without making him feel unloved, if you don�t mind sharing.

I'm certainly paying for my raisin' that is for sure. My mom said I would keep her awake for hours talk, talk, talking. Intense is a word that would be used to describe me as well....

I do understand that bedtime is a time of bonding with a parent. I 'get' that. What is just beyond reasonable is that he lets the whole weight of the world crush him during these talks. Also, remember he is homeschooled and he has the ENTIRE day to talk to me and he talks A LOT. I just don't want anyone to think I'm rushing bedtime and he is not able to fully express himself because of that.

Daisy, the counselor suggested, prayers, start the soothing music and do 5 or ten minutes of me 'writing' letters on his back and forming words. This has worked like magic the last week. Along with that I am using a suggestion of my dh who said he used to do the same thing to his mom (a widow of 7)...she would say, 'Mr. SW, just go to sleep! We will talk about it in the morning.' Amazingly this works really well. If I ever allow him, in a tired state, while he also wants me to stay with him, to start in on all his worries and regrets it only turns bad. Nothing good is accomplished by allowing it to get to that point.

LOL...my Mom used to say I hope you have a dozen just like you. I got my dozen all rolled into one! I, too, do what your DH's mother did. I tell DS, "It's time to go to sleep, you need to be quiet. No more talking now. You can tell me in the morning. Works EVERY time.

"tell me in the morning" I love that! Why on earth did I never think of that??? It's so much nicer than what I have been doing (ok, honey, that's it good night...shuts door while he's still talking)

Wow, I just read what I wrote and it sounds so heartless but I really, really, love my boy!