Remember my cousin who had an affair with my now WxH? They lied about it for 7 years but I got proof of it when I installed a keylogger on XH's computer and found him in another current affair...he was also starting things back up with my cousin on line..

Well, during their first affair my cousin was 19 and single. By the time I got proof with the k/l'er she was married with a year old baby. I exposed to her dh...and he at first stayed with her....but they are now divorced and he has custody of the baby (three yo by now) I wonder how much time I saved him with my exposure. Her entire Wayward mentality became apparent when I handed over the IM transcripts between her and my WxH.

Her cousins (well, also my cousins but they are her first cousins and she was very close to them) all unfriended her when she posted a picture of herself and another man while she was still married.

Also, my parents and her parents will never have the same relationship. That is another consequence of exposure. an affair.

People should really think before they act.

SW, I thing you should call it a consequence of their AFFAIR, not a consequence of exposure. The damage to the relationship was caused by the affair. Exposure simply uncovered the evil that had occurred.

Absolutely agree, Kirby! The affair is what caused negative consequences, NOT the exposure...It is wrong to commit adultery, it is NOT wrong to expose adultery. The distinction is very important.

Mrs. W

Ah, good point. I mean...you know I know that, but correct terminology is vital huh?

LOL...Yes, I figured that YOU knew that, but I do think it's important that it's worded properly because so often newbies arrive here fearing they will be in the wrong if they expose, and of course, we know that's not the case.

Mrs. W

I figured that what was you meant, SmilingWoman, but you would not believe how many fogged out waywards over the years have tried to portray exposure as the bad guy instead of their own scummy behavior.

Yes, you are right Mel. I've seen in the almost 4 years I've been around here.

I am just mulling over the fact that sometimes the fall out from an affair comes a few years later. Cousin's bh didn't leave her then...and I understood his reasons. He was in her small home town, working out of town a lot, and had a year old baby that he didn't want to be lose to a small town court bias. So he moved her back to TX and within a year I heard things were going bad. Then I heard she had gone off to CA and her parents drove to TX to get the baby. It is a mess. My mom doesn't ask questions because she can't keep the contempt off her face, but she hears enough bits and pieces that we've figured out that my cousin has lost custody and has visitation and her XH is letting his parents and her parents alternate keeping the baby while he is out of town working.

I hate that the baby has to be put through all that...but my cousin had every opportunity in the world to straighten up and live right and just like my XH she just blew off every chance and offer of grace she was ever given.

And there's another consequence of having an affair. Children suffer because of a parent's selfishness. Thank goodness the grandparents are able to be involved. But the whole thing is a mess.

Well, we could start simply, with one consequence of adultery being divorce, and what the consequences of divorce can be;


http://articles.cnn.com/2010-06-10/living/divorce.contagious.gore_1_divorce-gore-family-albert-gore-iii?_s=PM:LIVING

The article uses the Gores as an example, but the study has looked at the social effect of divorce overall.

So, you commit adultery, choose to divorce, and that action can cascade out to friends and family influencing their decision to divorce (likely, it's just bolstering their "courage" or justifications to divorce).

What happens beyond that?

Every single friend or family relationship with any connection to the marriage becomes strained. They are forced to "side" with the friend or the biological relative. Or, they may be forced by ethics to choose the faithful spouse over the unfaithful spouse, which may mean choosing the ex-spouse over the biological relative, which further causes family strain.

Just so it's not forgotten; the children are then bounced between these strained relationships. Daddy, why don't you ever take us to Uncle Jimmy's Barbeques? Mommy does...


So, what if the outcome isn't divorce, but recovery? Well, then any friend or family member who supported adultery or behaviors surrounding it, or any family member or friend who didn't know but supports adultery should probably be ended.

Yes, you probably shouldn't have had those friendships to begin with, but that part of the character of these individuals was not apparent until the WS made the decision to commit adultery and it was then exposed.

Best friend since 1st grade supported your fling? Then it's that friend, or your marriage. You chose that friend when you committed adultery to begin with.

Some of these friendships or relationships will have to be severed because they present triggers to the BS or WS. If a husband has an affair with his sister-in-law (sister of a sibling's spouse), then it is entirely possible that his BW will no longer be able to interact with the sibling's spouse as a consequence of the adultery.


And waywards think it's all about them... or just about them and the spouse they betray.

Ugh...

At least you would hope.

My mother tried to keep in contact with my XSIL after my brother and her divorced because of my nieces.

However, I think contact with her XWH's mother was something that she just couldn't keep up constantly, as she has kind of shrunk away.

Probably doesn't help that my brother is now in an affairage with his AP.

Then again, XSIL started a relationship with her IC immediately after she made the decision to divorce.

Both are ragged individuals.

Yes, my own family is strained within itself due to my cousin and WxH's actions. Her parents...I loved them, they loved me. Now every interaction between us is strained. It is very difficult. They love their grandbaby, but hesitate to even discuss her around my mom because ugh, the baby's mom had an affair with my XH! I think eventually it will be less difficult. I am hopeful my cousin will stay gone and help us all heal. I think she was under the allusion everyone would just 'forgive and forget'. She left a bitter taste in many people's mouth and they want nothing to do with her. One of my long time, since childhood friends answered her door one morning (shortly after exposure) to find cousin standing there hoping to make a friend....the friend wouldn't even invite her in. As word spread people gave cousin a very wide berth.

She did it to herself though. (unfortunately she hurt a lot of other people too, including her own dd...which is what you are saying inyour post above.)

The consequence of an affair does reach beyond the couple involved. When I found out my MIL sided with my Wh and even wrote to the POSOW that she loves her and hope that I don't give them too much trouble in the divorce, and that in the end my Wh and POSOW will have a nice blended family....I was and still am devasted. I actually held his parents in high regard. Now things between me and my in-laws have been reduced to nothing.
With Easter and birthdays coming, they will be sending presents to my kids. I feel like accepting them, sending them a thank you note saying "thank you for the presents the people shopping at the Salvation Army will appreciate your donation." And add at the bottom, anyone who supports my husband in his affair andhis decison to leave his wife of 10 years and mother of his 4 kids do not have my kids best interest in mind .

Would that make me spiteful? This will make me out to be a major witch. Any thoughts?

sorry for the threadjack btw

I'm just changing the internal thread title so that it shows up on the forum list.

(I'm such a busybody.)

It isn't a t/j. It is sort of a generic conversation, discussion about the consequences. My divorce is over and I am remarried. There is still fall out though. My parents, my son, my friends....they all suffer to some degree. Just the other day friends of mine ran into WxH in the grocery store and their young girls, ages 5 and 8 ran up to XH and gave him a hug. My friend, the girls mom, refused to even acknowledge him.

I'll be interested to hear what others think of your situation. A friend of adultery is no friend of mine.

Thank you, I thought I did that...but clearly didn't know what I was doing. LOL

You changed the external one, but for some reason, the forum list shows the internal one.

Isn't that interesting?

Yes. How do you change the internal one?

SW, every time someone responds to the thread, it carries forward the thread title of the post that they responded to. When you changed the title on your original post, it showed up on the list of thread titles that way.

However, the subsequent responses had already carried forward the old title. When SugarCane made her response, she changed the title on her individual post. Now, every response going forward will use the new title. Unless they go back and respond to one of the posts that used the old title.

I hope I made that clear.

Ah got it. Ty.