Just signed up to find sound advice.

The man I believed to be the one to share my future with, had some extra cards up his sleeve. Just as things between us seemed to go well, I discovered I am "the other woman".

My job (evenings and weekends) and family affairs leave me little time for a 'normal' social life. When most people are free, I'm working. He was working 2 jobs.

We met +/- six years ago, after a while contact faded. I have always remembered him as someone special, my "what if". Three years ago he contacted me again, helped me move, came for dinner and getting to know eachother better. After that dinner he didn't initiate another date and I started wondering if I misinterpreted his interest in me and went on with my life.

He contacted me again (year after moving) and I asked him what he wanted. His respons was "We want the same" and we started to chat regularly. He offered to come over and help me fix some technical problems I had with my motorbike. I don't like accepting help and wanted him to come to see me and not to fix things, so it took months before I asked him over to help. We kissed.

Things progressed. He fantasized about our children, mentionned marriage and how he would ask my father for my hand. His sister had difficulties in her marriage and lived in his house for quite a long time. Because of her meeting at his place was difficult. We met when he had to be near my work. Then last summer we had an argument, broke up. I mourned over lost love. This winter contact was restored (his feelings for me ran to deep, as he said). We talked birth control (well, I did most of the talking).

After a small quarrel (wanted to see him more often) love you's were exchanged, we said we belonged together. He was at his brother's place and in the middle of the night I drove over there to see him. Because of our busy scedules, another get together was canceled. We sceduled to meet as he was at his brother's again. It bothered me that his place was off limits and yet he was so eager to meet elsewhere.

I looked up his house on Google streetview. Saw toys in his backyard. Seached social network sites for relatives and found a woman with his last name (his unmentionned ex?) and the picture of a two year old sweet smiling boy. Searched his sister, found a picture of her with a baby and felt relieve (that could explain the toys in his backyard). Didn't want to draw conclusions before I knew the facts.

Canceled the date at his brother's place because I didn't feel well and didn't sleep well (believe me, all true). Though I would have liked to see his face when I asked him, it seemed better not to go there and ask. There were other expectations than a conversation and at that time I didn't know if I really could ask him if I saw him in person. Or resist him.

So when he showed up online he was sweet and asked how I felt, I told him something was heavy on my mind. Told him I had used google with specific terms, he countered "more people have my last name" and "if you want to distrust me, fine by me". I asked again if he knew her (the woman with his last name and the little boy), he said "no" and broke up with me for good.

The next day, I thoroughly searched networksites for information about her and some of his relatives.

Found out that when he contacted me again, his wife was pregnant. When he helped me move, she was pregnant. When he didn't contact me for a while, they had his son. When he helped me fix my bike, his wive almost had her birthday. When we broke up this summer, it was near his sons birthday.

Ouch.

My first thought was not to inform her, for the sake of the little boy. A friend let me read some articles on marriagebuilders and now I think I have to inform his wife.

How? I don't know her directly, don't know which church she attends, probably can find out where she works, but don't know if I'm the one to tell her.

Sound advice is very welcome.

Seems like you know what needs to be done already. Advise the OMW (she needs to know what her WH has been up to, if only for her protection), and then stay out of their lives for good.

You have to inform his wife immediately and apologize. Find out her phone number and call her directly. Tell her who you are, and what was going on, provide evidence/additional information if she is interested in. She has every right to know. Then you need to block this man's e-mails and numbers and every hole he can have an access through to you.

Just in case - be prepared to present evidence when you speak to OMW. It is very possible that this man has already warned his wife about some crazy stalker woman who thinks has relationship with him...

Her phone number is not listed. Thanks to social media, I know where she (probably) works and who her best friend is, but contacting a friend of hers feels like crossing a line. Finding her church is an option, but I'm not sure if by doing that, people get involved who shouldn't be. Bottomline, If I want to contact her, I have to ring their doorbell or investigate her life even more.

This man already blocked me, so that problem is 'solved'.

Well, if you have already found out where she probably works, try to make sure whether she works there and call the manager to get her number.

Forget about the best friend, contact OMW directly. You will find the number. You can find help for that here.

Privacy laws overhere, they won't give that information.

But you can call the work switchboard and ask to be put through to her.

Honestly, it isn't that hard. You need to make direct contact with her and there is a way.

True. How much do I tell her? Just a summary or should I show her all text messages, pictures, chatlogs? That wouls feel like exposing more of myself than I am comfortable with to a perfect stranger. What do I do if she won't listen to me on the phone?

How she reacts or what se will do with that information is beyond your control. OMW in my case never contacted back but I know she received the information.

Just give her the facts (summary sounds good) and offer to give additional proof if she wants.

I would send her an email/registered letter with relevant text messages and a few chatlogs.

Pictures should be her choice, because those images will be burned in her brain forever, so she should get to choose whether or not she wants to view them.

But you need to add proof, even if it is just a little so she understands.

Speaking from experience, when my husband's OW's father (follow that? LOL) first tried to tell me about the affair, I didn't believe him, and my husband was able to easily persuade me otherwise because he didn't have proof in the email- just angry accusations, which my wayward husband was very, very easily able to cover for....

"BW, my name is sanity. I am so sorry to have to tell you this but I believe you should know. For the past X years I have been dating a man whom I thought was single. That man is your husband. I am sorry to have to just drop this on you like this, but I felt that you should know what your husband has been up to. I have texts and chat logs if you would like to see them. I am so sorry I have interfered in your marriage. I would never knowingly date a married man."

Answer any questions she has.

Sanity, I am still a newbie to the MB forum, so take my advice with a grain of salt. However, if I found myself in your position, I would do more than just inform the man's wife and apologize to her.

Sadly, this guy that you have been involved with is a manipulative, lying piece of scum. Your "friend" was very slick with his cover-up and I believe he has done this before and will do it again if he can get away with it. He may even have an additional "girlfriend" at his workplace. I believe that you need to expose this man's bad behavior to his friends and relatives as well.

The best way to get this information out is to pick a single day and do it all at once. First call the man's wife. After you have told her, a good way to tell his friends and relatives is on Facebook using private messaging. Also, if it were me, I would put something on my own FB wall.

I would use a message something like this for his friends and relatives:

Hi, my name is Sanity, and I have been dating Mr. Married Scumbag. He represented himself as a single man who was free to date. I have just learned that he is married and that he and his wife have a young son. I am horrified that I have been unknowingly used by him as the Other Woman in his marriage. I have dumped Scummy and will never speak to him again. If you are a friend of Mrs. Lied To, please provide her all the support you can during this difficult time.

As far as Mr. Scumbag's wife, I would call her on the phone and tell her the same basic information. I would also offer to give her copies of any emails I had from him or photographs that I had of the two of us. If she decides to divorce him, I would make myself available as a witness for her.

For my own FB wall I would say something like this: I just learned that my "boyfriend," Mr. Lying Scumbag, is married and has a small child. I am horrified and will never speak to him again. If you know him, tell him to leave me alone.

Sanity, I'm really sorry you got roped into this. That guy is disgusting. I'm sure you are very hurt by the way he treated you. Just remember, you were not in love with that guy, you were in love with his fake personality. The man you loved never existed.

I don't really feel the need for revenge, I just want to do what's right. I'm in this situation that I never wanted and now I have to act right. Whatever that may be.

I disagree rather strongly with Kirby.

I like the other advice much better. Inform the man's wife, you owe her that courtesy and answer as many or as few questions as she wants, then totally remove yourself from their lives.

Exposure is a tool that betrayed spouse uses to break up an affair. If Sanity is as resolved and disgusted as she claims, then this has already been accomplished.

Secondly, I don't know how well exposure will be received from the OW. It would be easy to come across as a disgruntled or scorned lover set on revenge, which is not the purpose of exposure.

No, the best thing she can do is remove herself from their lives as quickly and completely as possible. Sanity taking on exposure like that will not accomplish this.

I wouldn't complicate this by adding other people to the mix. Gather up the evidence and contact the OMW. Tell her about the affair and offer to give her the evidence. That is the right thing to do.

I realize you are young, but when a man says you can't visit his home that is a dead giveaway he is married. In the future I would also suggest you do a background check on any guys you date. I know I sure would!

This happened to a good friend of mine.

I strongly encourage you to get a hold of his wife and talk to her. Call the company she works for and ask to be connected to her. Then simply tell her the truth.

You were fooled and have done the right thing by confronting him and cutting him off.

Unfortunately I am not young, just naive. Background check was done as we first met. After we regained contact, I didn't check that thoroughly again. Since last year his heartbroken sister lived at his home, it wouldn't be nice to rub it in that other people were happily in love, would it..

He hasn't been at my place too often either, we were always on the road going to and coming from work. He helped his father out a lot in his dads hometown, helped out his brother and sister a lot.. And as he got home from work, my job started. I hated my job for that.

Call the BW ONLY -- do it immediately. Any further exposure is up to the BW, not you.

Sanity, there is no need for multiple posts on this subject -- continuing to wring your hands and post over and over about this situation is unhelpful to you, to this forum and to the victim, the BW.

You were unsure what to do, but now you have been told by many to contact the BW and offer her whatever she wants/needs. End of story. Get it done. Today.

Mrs. W