I would send a letter to his wife, short and to the point and just go dark from their lives. If she kicks him out, chances are the guy will try and hoover you back in. You do not want any of that kind of drama in your life. He is a narcissist and possibly a sociopath - what he was doing is emotionally abusing you and his wife. Stay away from that and don't ever contact him again.

I agree. There is no need for endless discussion. Just pick up the phone and get er done.

Thank you for your input. I don't agree with you that I have to act now.

I'm new to this situation and hope never to experience anything like it again. Before I do something that cannot be undone, I need to think it over and know what I'm doing. I will not call the wife just because someone on the internet told me to (even though the advice is good and helpful), I will call (or contact) her if I feel that's what I should do.

I am not responsible for this situation, but I want to make sure I finish this as good as I possibly can. I need to do some thinking before I act and your input and other comments are very helpful to me.

Calling her at work still doesn't feel right, she probably won't be able to hide what has happened from her colleagues.

On this side of the ocean it's already evening, so I'll have to wait until tomorrow anyway.

Oh, come on.

Even if you didn't know, you have been dipping your fingers in someone else's honey pot.

Put your self in her shoes for 3 seconds. She has a right to know that her husband is a liar and a a cheat, and you owe it to yourself to not lower yourself to that level.

Unless what you really want is to have a husband of your own having an affair, and for you to never know.

You could always call her at work and arrange the discussion for later.

The little boy is a great reason to let her know.

Did you ever watch The Lord of the Rings? See that scene where Bilbo desperately needs to be persuaded to voluntarily let go of the Ring he's holding, but the Ring is tricky and deceptive? He finally agrees he needs to let go of the ring, says something to the effect of "Well, that's a load off," and then starts on his way until his good friend Gandalf says "Bilbo ... the Ring is still in your pocket." Turns out Bilbo has talked a lot about it but done nothing. A big fight almost ensues until Gandalf convinced Bilbo he is on his side.

We are on your side ... would you like us to help motivate you to do what needs to be done?

I'm thinking of that little boy.

I apologize if the metaphor can't be understood. I'm a nerd and into nerd movies.

What do you mean by 'finish this as good as you possibly can'?

Do you by any chance mean 'leave the door open for her husband to unblock my calls'. You appear very angry about being jilted, moreso than in being fooled. I hope I'm wrong.

If you don't think you should tell her ASAP, you become part of the problem imo. Who are you protecting, yourself? Then at least do something anonymously.

It's pretty simple. You either will do the right thing or you won't. Your behavior has caused harm to another -- even if you didn't know. You know now. Clean up your side of the street.

Mrs. W

anonymously won't cut it. If she is to be believed, she needs a face and a name.

Finish this as good as I can - not to hurt her more by telling it the wrong way.

You are very wrong to assume the reason of my anger. What disturbs me the most is the timeline. He contacted me while she was pregnant. Never in my life I have wanted a man to have his eyes on me while his wife was pregnant. Or while he had a wife, for that matter. And I wasted three years of my fertile years, fantasizing on our children, being withheld important information.

I don't want to take revenge and need to be sure that is not my motive for telling her. It will affect her and her son to know this man contacted me (though innocent in the beginning) during her pregnancy and forgot to mention what was supposed to be the most important thing in his life.
Not mentioning his wife and unborn son that very moment makes him a different person than I thought I knew and loved. I assume she doesn't think he's capable of doing something like that either.

Leaving the door open is not an option, he is married and that means I don't want him.

The LOTR-comparison: The illusion I had was beautiful and part of me would have liked to hold on to it, but i have been given reality instead. Pretty hard, because it destroys good memories. I don't want to hold on to anything I had with him. I just want to be careful in how I handle the situation with his wife.

It's pretty simple indeed, I will clean my side of the street.

If we are "just people on the internet" then why are you here asking for our advice? That doesn't make sense. MrsW has a point, there is no reason to have endless discussions about this or to "think it over," it is obvious what the right solution is. What more did you need to know?

I think I can speak for every betrayed spouse on this site when I say - I would have wanted to know. Just say it. There's no way to soften the blow. Just say it. I wish someone had told me a year ago...you have that chance.

You are going to hurt her. But she needs this from you.

And NO this wasn't innocent in the beginning. And NO you don't want this man even if he leaves his wife for you tomorrow.

Please save this woman and her child from him. Her years are passing her by as well.

This is irrelevant to her right and need to know. You certainly understand that this woman needs to know. Her need to know supercede your vague concerns about "revenge."


Right. And it will continue to affect her if she does not know that she has been harmed behind her back. She has to know so she can take steps to protect herself. Your telling will not hurt her, it is the adultery that will hurt her.

I didn't mean to offend anyone by that remark, just wanted to point out that I want to think things over very thoroughly and not want to act for wrong reasons. This site was recommended by a friend and it has been very helpful, as well as the responses in this thread have been.

Finding out all this has hit me like a ton of bricks. That changes ones perspective.

It's going to hurt her, but keeping the secret longer will hurt worse. Do this TODAY, sanity. Since you have some time before daybreak on your side of the pond, how about constructing a statement to her and we'll help you tweak it?

If I were you, I would begin by saying "I first met your husband in XXXX and reconnected through [whatever medium] in XXXX. I am sorry to inform you that I recently discovered that my sexual relationship with your husband overlapped your marriage. Had I known he was married, I would never have allowed him into my bed. I am so, so sorry. All contact between myself and your husband has ceased. I am available to be contacted at xxx-xxx-xxxx if you have any questions, and again, I deeply apologize for my part in this."

No sex, no STD's. We (I) have talked about testing and birth control, no sex before those responsibilities were clear. Didn't want to wait until we were wed, but after all that time without intercourse, I was sure enough of his love for me. If I hadn't found out when I did, things would have been different.

I see.

Tell his wife anyway.