What do you mean by trigger? We actually only have cell phones, ugh... this gets worse and worse.... where is my dark hole to climb into

Plan B is so you can get yourself and your life back in order and let him see what life is like without you. Whether or not he comes back to the marriage is inconsequential, as, in the end, you'll be able to live your life without him. You may not like that conclusion, but you'd at least be at peace and away from all of the drama.

Every time you get something like that text from him, you're going to start wondering about him, what he's doing, where he's going, did he mean to send me that text, did he mean to send that text to her... It's a reminder (or trigger) that gives you an emotional reaction to someone that you're trying to get over. Like smelling a cigarette if you've quit for a month, or tasting a beer if you've been sober for a year. It sets you back.

That's the point of Plan B. To remove yourself from the damaging lifestyle (his antics with OW) and rebuild your own life independent of his to the extent possible.

Starting plan B is rough. You must undergo withdrawal from him (kind of how he has felt getting rid of OW and why he went back to her) and be more of a self contained unit of parenting and life. It is weird and you will be blue/depressed while you get your bearings and new way of living.
How long will plan B take? No one knows.
The darker you are, the better chances of it not being as long til his A dies a natural death.
The longer plan B goes....the less you will feel like you need to have him come back. The less you will focus on him and more on you. That isn't a bad thing though it sounds like it at the place you are at.

Be strong. As dark as you can. Block his number from your cell and get an IM who is more neutral to communicate children/finances.

And be hopeful WH will get it together but know that

you can only control yourself.

He is going to have to work through his lots of stuff on his own. OW will not be able to help him do it. In a sense, you are proving YOUR metal in life here. Unpleasant to do but pays off in spades as you go.

Oh dear, mehr. Instead of worrying about Plan B working on ending the A...let's focus on getting your Plan B in order, pronto!

You need to get an IM. Brainstorm. Another person is using a coworker, is that possible? I have heard of people using neighbors.

Yes, you need to change your number. Think PITCH DARK plan B...no contact whatsoever! You should also think about changing your locks because once he starts to miss you and home life, he WILL be looking for his "fix" and you need to prevent this from happening, mehr.

You are struggling so badly in Plan B because an IM is CRUCIAL.

I just can't emphasize that enough. You are still part of the A drama without an IM and that is what Plan B is supposed to protect you from.

You have GOT to come up with another IM. Think...hard. It doesn't have to be someone nearby. It's all done via phone calls and emails anyway. Someone in Japan would work for crying out loud.

Get that new IM set up today. It's really that crucial.

Also, I don't think it's a good plan to be going to the in-laws for drop off and pick up. That is waaaay too easy on him. Can you use some other friends for drop off and pick up? Your WH needs to WORK a little at picking up and dropping off his own children.

If you are in Plan B I would delete the text and tell IM to remind him you are not reading any texts messages from him and for any messages for you are to go through your IM.

Do you have anyone else other than inlaws to be your IMs? I would try to find another one just in case.

I did already change the locks on the house on Saturday... was most concerned with him coming in and sneaking things out...

I might need to go back and look at the answer to how I change IMs while in Plan B.... I don't even like my in laws being this involved.... I could ask my parents I suppose?

mehr, your inlaws are too close. You need a third party who is not a blood relative. Someone more neutral. Do you have a friend or babysitter who could do this?

A friend or distant relative (cousin, maybe?) ~ not parents or in-laws ~ would be best for an IM.

You change the IM by letting the NEW IM email/TM him and tell him "From now, please send all correspondences through me."

It's simple. I had to change IMs in the beginning of Plan B as well and this is how I did it.

Mehr, as reading has said, let's not focus on how long you'll be in Plan B, let's get you into the safety of it first and we will talk about the rest later.

Plan A is hard, Plan B is harder and I have been told that recovery is harder still. But, being in Plan B for 16 months, I can tell you that Plan B doesn't seem as bad anymore. Once you get into a solid Plan B, you will start to heal and gain the advantages of Plan B.

First, you need to get a new IM TODAY. Then, you need to figure out a new place for drop offs and how to work out what you will do about nursing the 1yr old. You coming early to pick up the 1yr old and leaving the other children, how will you be CERTAIN that WH won't see you? And walking out one door while he is walking in another, how are you going to control that? You CAN'T control what he does, if you could, he wouldn't be having an A in the first place.

So.....get a new IM and fifure out a way to drop off and pick up the kids so there will be NO CONTACT.

I have a new IM.... friend.

The pickup situation is a problem, I don't want to see him ... for one thing because I am angry and I don't want to undo Plan A by death glares or something... I arranged 4pm because my MIL will be there at that point, I can ask her to bring the baby out to me at the van, hopefully she will do that because they do not agree with what I am doing.

But again, he doesn't have a vehicle that he can transport them and if I force the situation to where he can't see them without a van then my enabling in laws will buy a van and carseats for him. As it is, my in laws may buy carseats for him anyway since I said no. I can hope not. They really don't want him and OW together, they are horribly embarrassed, but they don't understand tough love. I am trying to delay him taking them in a vehicle to go see the OW.

I don't think that my leaving is a problem, I can simply look out the window and exit accordingly, no need to control him-- its hard to explain the set up at their house. Its pick up that will be a problem. I may be able to talk in laws into making him leave before I pick them up at 7:30. Again, they don't GET it.

This is not your problem, so don't get caught up in it.

If ILs buy him a van/carseats that is their choice.
Again, you can only control
yourself.

Is your friend who is going to be the IM in close enough proximity that you can use her for a drop off point? Using the in-laws is a really bad idea all around.

How about a neighbor? That was my first plan until I realized our kids were old enough to walk out the door and into my H's car by themselves. That is another option, BTW, if your oldest is capable of getting the baby out to the car without your help. You can shoo them out the door, lock it, and watch from inside (without your H seeing you) to make sure they get to the car ok.

DO NOT let your H use your car or carseats. That would a big breech in Plan B. He needs to FEEL the consequences of his actions.

mehr, how is exposure at the work place going?

I am not letting him use the van or carseats. I haven't heard anything from the workplace.

He has sent message through the new IM that he can see them regularly on all his days off from now on. I feel like my heart is being ripped out .... like he is moving on, my kids are going to have a broken family.... I hate this.