Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 14 of 88 1 2 12 13 14 15 16 87 88
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
We are definitely more inclined to speak politely to each other and respectfully. We don't fight about anything other than our relationship. It is almost always me bringing something up, her firing back. I always pursue her to talk, I always want to fix things after a fight right away.


Hill, let's be honest, here:

After a fight, you'd like your wife to get over it. Who wouldn't?

If she's still feeling raw, and you've gotten over it, you'll be really tempted to try to set her straight. As little control as you have over your emotions, this desire is going to seep out of every crack, and she'll see it. It will not turn her on. It will disgust her. And rightly so, because who wants to live with a critic and a dictator?

Your desire to fix things sounds noble. Your desire to straighten her out doesn't sound so noble, does it?


Hey, hill,

Do NOT go reading on your wife's thread, but I wanted to give you a safe little excerpt of what she just posted:

Quote:
I just want him to move past all this and start working on our marriage.


She's referring to the affair accusations.

Can you do that? Can you shut up about it and just move on and do nice things to meet her emotional needs?


Also, note that she's saying this even dispite your completely insensitive comment last night.

You are one lucky man, Hill.

Thank that woman tonight for putting up with you, okay? Tell her, "Honey, I am so sorry. I know that I am not an easy man to live with. I don't know how you put up with me. I do not deserve you. Thank you for staying with me through all of this and for going so far last night to try to show your love for me."


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
Originally Posted By: MrNiceGuy
I agree with you Markos! ... it is my belief as well that there is not affair going on.

Its time to drop the "A" word from your vocabulary and move on to being the best hubby you can be.


Yep that is the exact plan!


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Hey, Hill, we do a little something here at home when one of us wants to DJ or otherwise say something dumb. We each knows what it means, so we kinda get our point across without actually saying it, and it's a gentle lead-in when something really ought to be discussed. Plus, it serves as a great reminder of the Greater Point. It's three little code words: "I love you."

Maybe you could try that with grace. Talk to her first about it, so she knows it is not an avoidance thing. She says, what's wrong? And you say, I love you.

Here, my husband will come up with some plan I think is a bad idea. He'll say, "hey, I thought I'd rip the front porch off the house on Sunday, what do you think?" My immediate thought would be "are you nutz?" But my immediate words are, "i love you." and he knows I mean he's nutz. smile

It's like shorthand for "give me a minute so I don't say something I'll regret."


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: markos
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
We are definitely more inclined to speak politely to each other and respectfully. We don't fight about anything other than our relationship. It is almost always me bringing something up, her firing back. I always pursue her to talk, I always want to fix things after a fight right away.


Hill, let's be honest, here:

After a fight, you'd like your wife to get over it. Who wouldn't?

If she's still feeling raw, and you've gotten over it, you'll be really tempted to try to set her straight. As little control as you have over your emotions, this desire is going to seep out of every crack, and she'll see it. It will not turn her on. It will disgust her. And rightly so, because who wants to live with a critic and a dictator?

Your desire to fix things sounds noble. Your desire to straighten her out doesn't sound so noble, does it?


Hey, hill,

Do NOT go reading on your wife's thread, but I wanted to give you a safe little excerpt of what she just posted:

Quote:
I just want him to move past all this and start working on our marriage.


She's referring to the affair accusations.

Can you do that? Can you shut up about it and just move on and do nice things to meet her emotional needs?


Also, note that she's saying this even dispite your completely insensitive comment last night.

You are one lucky man, Hill.

Thank that woman tonight for putting up with you, okay? Tell her, "Honey, I am so sorry. I know that I am not an easy man to live with. I don't know how you put up with me. I do not deserve you. Thank you for staying with me through all of this and for going so far last night to try to show your love for me."


I have thanked her, apologized, and will continue to do so. Got her a card, sent her an E-Card, replied to her email, sent her a text a few hours ago. No response to any of it and frankly I can't make her respond. This is the communication thing I struggle with, I never know during good times or bad where I stand. I'm pretty sure I'm in the doghouse as of now, but the non-responding, or selective responding is difficult to read. I mentioned this to her yesterday. I send her a thoughtful text about wanting to get her something yummy to eat at the store, she ignored it. She sent me a different text which was a picture of the baby awhile later. She has the three kids and things get busy, but the communication breakdown makes it very difficult to even do something nice, you know? So today same thing, she emailed me and I replied. I sent her a text asking if she was doing ok and that I got blasted for my behavior on this post. No response. If I knew what she wanted whether it be super important or not so much, it would make things a lot easier because I'm still walking on eggshells. She has expressed irritation with some of my family members, some of her friends, some of our friends, etc. I can understand the stresses of the baby being a big cause of this and I've even told her that. Communication or lack there of and a lack of feedback on things I do good or bad means I'm operating in the dark. Pin the tale on the donkey. When I'm not clear about something I often ask her what she meant which is mostly answered with being irritated. The tone is, "well stupid you should have just known what I meant, get it fool?"


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 3,490
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Night was good, wife offered oral sex, which was great, that led to real sex which was great. Immediately afterwards she saw the "stewing" look on my face and asked me to tell her what bothered me. I told her that a certain something fit too easily into something else for not having had sex for so long and that I questioned whether her orgasm was real. I insulted her and she'll barely speak to me or come back to this forum. She kept telling me, "you have problems". She is referring to me reading into every single thing which is probably true. Am I aloud to be suspicious of my wife? She seems to think not and told me so. Either you're all gonna blast me for being a complete a-hole last night and to stop reading into things or you'll use the power of suggestion and I'll be even more suspicious of my wife. I have no proof, just little things I've seen that I probably just read into. Some of you are so direct with my wife about the issue of infidelity that I can't help but assume you might be right. I don't think you're right but until I get past it I don't know we are gonna get there. How can we get past it?


Why not call into the radio show or send Dr. H an email and he will answer it on his show (I believe you send it to his wife at jharley@marriageubuilders.com)?

Tell him exactly what you are going through, why you are suspicious and what you and your W have/have not done in order to calm your fears.

I'm inclined to believe that you will believe a professional on this and not stop obsessing until he gives you direction.


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
Originally Posted By: MarriedForever
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Night was good, wife offered oral sex, which was great, that led to real sex which was great. Immediately afterwards she saw the "stewing" look on my face and asked me to tell her what bothered me. I told her that a certain something fit too easily into something else for not having had sex for so long and that I questioned whether her orgasm was real. I insulted her and she'll barely speak to me or come back to this forum. She kept telling me, "you have problems". She is referring to me reading into every single thing which is probably true. Am I aloud to be suspicious of my wife? She seems to think not and told me so. Either you're all gonna blast me for being a complete a-hole last night and to stop reading into things or you'll use the power of suggestion and I'll be even more suspicious of my wife. I have no proof, just little things I've seen that I probably just read into. Some of you are so direct with my wife about the issue of infidelity that I can't help but assume you might be right. I don't think you're right but until I get past it I don't know we are gonna get there. How can we get past it?


Why not call into the radio show or send Dr. H an email and he will answer it on his show (I believe you send it to his wife at jharley@marriageubuilders.com)?

Tell him exactly what you are going through, why you are suspicious and what you and your W have/have not done in order to calm your fears.

I'm inclined to believe that you will believe a professional on this and not stop obsessing until he gives you direction.


Thanks for the suggestion I'll think about that. The A thing is over. I see no reason for it and I've moved past it. My wife has been open and honest with me about everything. I think other Vets on this site have seen that she has nothing to hide either. I struggled for awhile because I was encouraged to "snoop" on many occasions. I wasn't getting any affection or SF. Then my wife was asked once or twice is she was being truthful about having an affair. I described my wife's reaction to the first time I confronted her, and especially the second as "angry denial". This description caused more Vets to think something was up. It was just ridiculous from the beginning and still is. All you need to know is that it is over, I trust my wife is being truthful, I've told her this. It doesn't mean she won't be mad or hurt for whatever time frame that takes for her, but it does mean that there is no doubt whatsoever that my wife wants to meet my EN's and me hers. This is a process and admittedly as a very impatient man I will hour by hour and day by day do what I need to do in my yard as that is all I can control. From what I've seen I think she intends on doing the same.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,492
Have patience Hill ... yes shes mad at you and rightfully so. She will need a few days to re collect her thoughts on your behaviour from last night.

DONT hound her ... DONT glare at her .. No DJ or AO or SD's. And DO NOT give her your "stewing face" Just let it all slide off your back right now OK? Keep being nice and meeting her needs. Maybe pour her a bath and bring her some wine and put on her favorite CD in the bathroom for her and lite some candles in there too ... then YOU put the kids to bed ... read them bed time stores .. and rock the little one to sleep. If ya got a baby swing ... use that! .. Both my kids loved the baby swing and had many naps in it! This will give her a chance to wind down ... dont ASK her if she wants you to do this .. just do it! And when she gets out offer her a backrub to help her relax and let her go to sleep with no "alterior motives" ok?

Time to SLOW DOWN and let the MB program help your wife shift gears.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 746
My DH accused me several years ago of sleeping with someone else. I would classify my response as total horror that then went to angry denial. And, he stewed over my transgression for a WEEK before he brought them up. Once I got over the pain I was pissed.

We moved past it, but it took me a while.

Have y'all POJA'ed the response time to your contact? My DH and I did - if I'm at work and he calls on my cell, I call back at the next break. If he calls on my work line, I answer, because it's an emergency. If he emails me at work, I answer within 30 minutes, if he emails me at home, then it's within 24 hours. Calls on my cell when I'm not at work are answered or if he has to leave a message I get back with him within 15 minutes unless I've told him I'll be out of touch (i.e. riding my horse, traveling somewhere that service is patchy, etc...). It made him a lot more comfortable with the time it takes me to respond. And, I always let him know my schedule for the week - If I'm going to be away from my desk all day at work then he knows that, or if I'm going to be riding my horse all day and not have my phone, he knows that.

His calls are my #1 priority when I'm not at work, at work if he needs me then he's still #1.


Me: 30
Him: 39
Together 5 years
Married the very best man in the world 04/06/2013 after being common law for too long. I'm a lucky woman.
7 Cats - Viscount Ashley of Leftfield, Pawkie Petunia, The Timinator, Leo the Lionheart, Fruit Snack, Cloud, and Barret
And our very lucky pony, Starbucks
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
By the way my wife said she is never coming back here which bothers me.


Hey, Hill,

let me just point out to you,

your wife is still posting here.


I just wanted to point that out. smile


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
Hilltopper, I notice you say "It bothers me," a lot ... do a lot of things bother you? Little things that maybe wouldn't bother most other people?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
Originally Posted By: markos
Hilltopper, I notice you say "It bothers me," a lot ... do a lot of things bother you? Little things that maybe wouldn't bother most other people?


Just a phrase I use man, no need to read into it. And no, I'm typically not bothered by much at all really.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Originally Posted By: markos
Hilltopper, I notice you say "It bothers me," a lot ... do a lot of things bother you? Little things that maybe wouldn't bother most other people?


Just a phrase I use man, no need to read into it. And no, I'm typically not bothered by much at all really.


The king of "stewing" gives the advice "no need to read into it."

Come on, guy.

doh2


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote:
And no, I'm typically not bothered by much at all really.
Then why do you say it? I'm not trying to split hairs, but you may unknowingly be saying this a lot more than you realize. "It bothers me" is usually the beginning of a negative statement. Your listeners hear it and may accordingly begin to prepare their defense against this thing that bothers you as soon as they hear that phrase. Drop it if it's just a figure of speech. It won't help you.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 412
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 412
Originally Posted By: markos
Hilltopper, I notice you say "It bothers me," a lot ... do a lot of things bother you? Little things that maybe wouldn't bother most other people?


Markos, not trying to be snarky in any way just want to understand how, unless someone points this out to us, do we learn what little things that bother us that wouldnt bother most people?

I ask because I am learning that about myself. My best bosses are the kinds of guys whose nitnoid habits (like wanting their stuff a certain way) annoys my coworkers but I love because I totally understand what the bosses want being that Im the same way. And I dont have a problem with them telling me how they want something. So these two bosses love my work. Until I got in this situation, where I constantly hear my coworkers complain about XYZ, I never realized that things I want or the way I like to do things is annoying to others. Or that the things that bother/annoy me about others wouldnt bother most other people.

So how would Hilltopper even know if things that bother him dont bother most other people? He says "It bothers me," a lot, but then says very little bothers him. Maybe, like me and my bosses, he doesnt realize how he appears to others (and his wife), or how very much these "little things" bother him?


"If you will stop feeding your feelings, then they will stop controlling you" -Joyce Meyer
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
It doesn't matter one bit whether anything bothers 'most people'. Hill and grace are in this marriage, and the ONLY thing that matters is what bothers them.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: CWMI
It doesn't matter one bit whether anything bothers 'most people'. Hill and grace are in this marriage, and the ONLY thing that matters is what bothers them.


QFT


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
I am not finding fault with him being bothered, or with him saying he's bothered!

My theory is that he genuinely IS bothered and that it's not just an expression.

More later, I hope, gotta run ...


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
Look I'm just trying to avoid LBs and meet ENs in my backyard, that's all I can do. It takes some forethought and discipline which I can do.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 738
Wife said she's still mad. I don't blame her but I think it best to give her some space for a night until she's ready.


Married 15 years
12 y/o DD
10 y/o DS
6 y/o DD
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,121
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: Hilltopper1972
Wife said she's still mad. I don't blame her but I think it best to give her some space for a night until she's ready.


Or make yourself available for her to express her feelings, shut up and listen, and let her talk. DO NOT OFFER YOUR OPINION OR ADVICE. DO NOT OFFER ANYTHING YOU ARE READING HERE.

Just listen!


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
Page 14 of 88 1 2 12 13 14 15 16 87 88

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 16 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mwid, Shepherd, alg, Pelican89, SRL
71,672 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,526
Posts2,322,549
Members71,673
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5