New here and hoping to save my M.

I had a 6 month EA, which evolved into a 2 year PA.. my BH found out about it. We went to counseling, which helped a little... but I never ended my A, so our efforts were doomed.

Luckily, I found MB.. I am half-way through reading SAA. H and I are both reading HN/HN, and it's helping us a lot.

I am now 8 weeks NC with OM...which is a record for me. Withdrawal has been really hard, and the OM hasn't helped b/c he has tried to contact me. Sent me an email 2 weeks ago, and I told my H about it. I asked my H to contact him, but he said he wouldn't. H feels that if we both just don't respond to the attempts, the OM will get the hint and stop.

I don't want to pressure my H to confront the OM if he doesn't want to, but I don't want get more contact. I am still "foggy" at times, and I fear that I'll screw up here. I want to save my M .... not to mention my family. We have two kids, ages 5 and 7.

I have been reading on this forum for several weeks now, and I've seen some really helpful advice... hoping to get some as well. Thanks.

You should block OM's emails and eliminate any and all methods he can contact you. Write a no contact letter and mail it to OM after your BH reads it.

Good luck with recovery. Your kids will be grateful you didn't destroy their family.

Thanks! I think I was leaving the email connection open, and that was part of my "fogginess"... good point. I need to block him.

The NC letter... I brought that up to my H. He doesn't want me to make any contact with the OM at all. I showed my H an example of the NC letter, and he didn't agree with sending it.
I didn't want to push the issue.

At the point you are at, or even the point I am at now, the only contact that I would have with POSOM would be in the form of fisticuffs, 30's style like "Put up your dukes."

All joking aside, plug your holes. Don't contact (you OR your H). It will just put you into another tail-spin.

I'm assuming that OM is not married. In that case, since his BW is not available to help, YOU must do it. GROW UP, RIGHT NOW!

"Oh, dear me, I'm such a weak little flower, how can I resist the enticements of OM?"

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? (And where is Tex when I need her?)

To offset the sweet words that OM uses to seduce you back, onto your back, here are a few that would likely soon apply to your case if you haven't the backbone to tell him to FLICK OFF!

DIVORCE! TRAUMA AND SHAME TO YOUR CHILDREN! CHILD CUSTODY HEARINGS, WHERE IT WILL BE READ INTO THE RECORD OF YOUR WEAK WILL-POWER, TO DENY YOUR RIGHTS TO THEM! BEING BRANDED AN ADULTRESS - TRUTHFULLY AND LOUDLY! BEING UNABLE TO SHOW YOUR FACE IN DECENT COMPANY AGAIN! THE DISGUST IN THE FACES OF YOUR PARENTS! DISEASES! BEING DISPOSED OF AFTER OM IS DONE DIDDLING WITH YOU!

SHALL I CONTINUE?

NOW, SIT DOWN AND WRITE THAT NO-CONTACT LETTER! DO NOT BE "SWEET", OR "UNDERSTANDING!" He is trying to bring all those consequences down on you so he can get his wick dipped a few more times! Threaten police action if he ever contacts you again! Copy your lawyer on the letter!

Have a "nice" day!

OM is not married.. but I don't consider myself a "weak flower"....at least not anymore.

I know the ramifications of what I've done. I'm trying to save my M. I want to respect my H's wishes, and I don't know if I should keep pushing the NC letter.

So, which is it that is the real you?

....and I fear that I'll screw up here.

....but I don't consider myself a "weak flower"

I KNOW THE ANSWER.

You were too "weak" to end it for two years; you were too "weak" to end it during counselling; you were to "weak" to give your husband the respect he deserved for not throwing you out when he first learned you were putting out for some scuzzball. And now you're too "weak" to seize and use the tool available to crack this skunk right between the eyes.

Go ahead - prove me wrong!

OK...NeverGuessed. I see my double-talk. Thanks for pointing it out.

I did say I can be foggy at times.

However, I'm finally at a point where I want to follow the narrow path that saves my M. I want my H to walk along side me on that path. He's not agreeing with all of the measures, so it's stumping me.

Grace,

Welcome to MB. I have a few questions for you. I hope they make you think about things for a bit.

First, why do you want to save the marriage. I don't know how long you have been married, but your affair was 2.5 years and guessing from the age of the children that is a significant portion of your marriage.

Second question, what made you change your mind? For 2.5 years you chose OM over your H and your family.

third question, what is your plan to save this marriage? You may not be able to understand this question just yet, but when you finish SAA and the articles on this site you will understand it. You need a plan. In fact, you need to talk to your H about your plan using the policy of joint agreement, POJA, and the policy of radical honesty.

There is a lot more to say, but plug the holes by which the OM can reach you.

You will be challenged on this board, but the challenges are to make you think, and let you see what you may not yet see. Rest assured the folks here want you to succeed in saving your marriage as long as the following condition is met: Both you and your H become happy in this marriage.

Think about it.

God Bless,

JL

I am a BH and happy to try and help. I don't think I was betrayed for 2+ years with a PA. That sounds very, very deep and involved grace_88.

One thing I can help with, is the POV of a BH that suddenly realizes where he himself was missing his WW emotional needs.

For 2 1/2 years?!?! Really?!!? Okay, many, many things were obviously not well in the household and marriage of grace_88 and Mr. grace_88.

So, as we get into this, try to tell us WHY you felt compelled to seek so much outside of the marriage. Tell us what you believe your husband lacked? He is going to have to learn to meet those things.

Now, along the way, you are going to find out a ton that you did wrong in the M besides just the PA! If you think that was your only faliure in the M you will be rudely awakened.

How long since your husband's D-Day? How long has he known?

I am just trying to guess his place on the emotional roller coaster. If its early, he is still pretty emotionally unstable in all likelihood.

Grace,

I found out my wife was cheating june 18 2008. I immediately called the man and told him it was over. I then called his wife and told her what happened. The next day I took my wife with me to a park to meet the OM and his wife. it was there that we (my wife and I both) who stated verbally before both of them that the affair was over. No contact. or else. I don't know if that was wise or helpful. He tried contact a few times after that and I "had words" with him. He has not contacted her again. I suggest not only blocking email but changing the telephone numbers too. If you gotta move, do it. But move with your husband. Show him he matters.

I am a BW, with a husband who had a 3.5 year PA. Long term affairs- and the deception and entanglement that goes with them? Apparently? That's my special area of expertise/survival.

You need to consider the thought that her husband may not have known anything was wrong, and may have done a good job meeting the needs she had. In fact, she may have been the overbenefitted partner. Or she may have had an issue where no reasonable person could have filled her bucket ( sorry for the cringe-worth analogy- I have elementary aged children, and bucket filling is the phrase they learn about being good friends).

All pathology of an affair is not the same. I deeply respect your position, but you need to consider that they are not all the same.

Only Grace and her husband know what the case is. The more reading and experience I have garnered on my own personal situation, and others in a similar situation illuminates that although emotional needs are huge, it is not right to automatically assume that a) the marriage was the problem or b) that the betrayed spouse could have done anything differently.

Boundaries are the issue. Personal boundaries. And you can be Martha Stewart combined with Carmen Electra ( which ais a better analogy for a wife than a husband, I will admit - LOL), and still have your spouse cheat on you.

OK, a good night's sleep, and hearty breakfast......and maybe I won't come across so much as a barbarbarian this morning. (I said MAYBE! )

Forget for the moment your husband's unfamiliarity with destroying affairs and restoring marriages. His experience is probably limited to being in the middle of his first such situation. The absolute clarity that the NC letter provides is as much for YOU as it is a warning/threat/admonition to the OM. The physical act of writing "ashamed of my actions", "betraying my husband and family", "desire to repair my marriage", establishes a firm bulwark against further encroachments by either party.

Look, can we do this as small steps? I have now spent, what, 50? lines of composition on this request of yours for assistance in my three posts, requiring maybe as many minutes. (I type attroshiosly awefully really bad.) Would it be possible to ask that you at least sit down and WRITE, if not SEND, the NC letter. Do it, and report back here if it (as it has for other WS's) empowers you, and focuses your attention on the path before you.

Would you do that?

This is very, very wise advice.

Sounds Like you need to send your Husband here so that many of these great people that have endured this devastating tragedy can help him pull his head out of the lower extremity's of his body.

Not contacting the OM? If I was him I would be standing on the hood of his car with a bull horn.

This is a war and it sounds like he thinks its a casual TV show. I admire you gumption to save your M while in Fog. But you must put EP's in place now, today this minute. You also must identify your BH's most important EN's and start making extraordinarily great efforts to meet them. Over sex him and over admire him daily! (Its most mens top needs)

Write a NC letter now regardless of what your BH says. He will appreciate it later if not today.

Thanks for all of the feedback... I need to re-read it all to absorb... I still have a lot of learning to do in MB. GloveOil, I appreciate the link to your story, and I hope it helps me.

To answer questions, I feel it's best to tell my story as succinctly as possible. I hope it comes across clearly..

I married my H 10 years ago. We got along very well, had similar goals, had fun together.... a pretty even keel relationship. I knew he was a good, decent man with solid morals, Christian beliefs, etc.. He was (and still is) a great catch! Things went well for a few years, but it seemed like we were becoming more like "roomates". We started to experience sexual issues (my lack of interest). In fact, sex was never a real amazing experience, but I knew that the other qualities in our M were more important.
I went to counseling, but it didn't help me with my sex issues.

Miraculously, I did get pregnant... and now I have 2 kids (currently 7 and 5 yr). I suffered a great deal of PPD after my first child, mildly after second child. I did not embrace motherhood as I would have hoped, probably b/c of the PPD. Went on AD, and the meds helped me greatly. But I was was still pretty depressed, and I felt like a pretty bad mother and wife. I was still having trouble with sex, so I felt guilty about that.

My H and I first met my OM in 2008 (mutual friend of friend). We all became friends. OM and I started talking more when we would all get together... OM was recently divorced after 22 year M. He was depressed, and my depression must have shown. It spun out of control (mostly like Sue's story in SAA).

My H found an email from OM in Jan 2009. I fessed up about the A, but I said it was only an EA.... I didn't admit to the PA. I ended the A, but a month later it resumed into full blown PA. My H and I were going to MC, but of course, that wasn't working b/c I didn't end my A. I continued a vicious cycle of stopping it, starting it up again, etc...

I knew I was doing the WRONG thing. I was horribly ashamed! I wanted to commit suicide, and almost did on a couple of occasions. I couldn't eat, sleep, etc.. I was a horrible mom, wife.... abused alcohol horribly (drank a bottle of wine daily).

At the time of the A, I thought I was in love with my OM. It sounds terrible, but I was able to have sex with him and enjoyed it. Why couldn't I enjoy it with my H? I loved my H, but I couldn't figure that part out!!! I thought OM was the one I should have married.

My H found out that the "EA" was continuing (b/c he caught me in a lie)... I can't remember the whole timeline, but my H has caught me in 3 major lies (in regards to my seeing the OM).
How he has stayed with me, I don't know...

I found MB this January. I had to stop this horrible cycle. I realized that I was just stuck in this fog, and I had to escape and get through all of the horrible symptoms of withdrawal. I vowed to stop "using" this horrible "drug" (OM) as my escape from reality.

So, I told my OM that we were done. I said that I would not be contacting him, and I told him not to contact me either. (At the time, I wasn't really aware of the NC letter).
OM agreed to not contact me anymore. That was 8 weeks ago.

I told my H about this final agreement (that OM and I are done and not contacting each other anymore). My H was very happy that I told him this (that I was finally honest and not trying to live in secret).

I have been honest with my H ever since, and we are reading HN/HN together. We are working on UA, and he is happy that I'm trying to work on our M. Don't know how we'll fix the sex issue, and SF is one of his top 5 needs. It's not one of my top 5.

That aside, withdrawal has been very hard at times, and I'd love advice from anyone out there who has dealt with that.
However, I am not going to give in to it. I'm out of the fog enough to know that I want to save my M. I love my H, and I love my kids. I've screwed up pretty bad, but I want to have a great M. I'm willing to do what it takes.

EP... I haven't put those into place, and so I need to do that. I kept my email address the same, and that's how my OM contacted me 2 weeks ago. I told my H about it, and he just told me not to respond.

I tried to explain the NC letter to my H, and he disagreed with the whole idea. He said that any communication with the OM will give him satisfaction and hope. My H doesn't want to contact him either, b/c he feels that will give the OM even more satisfaction. My H used to be friends with the OM, so that may be why he feels that way.

Another thing, my H doesn't want to hear any details about my A. I was prepared to answer questions, and I asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He said "NO". He said that he just wants us to move forward together, and that he's relying on God's help and guidance to help him heal.

I appreciate your feedback and any help you can provide. I know that some of you hate me for what I've done. I get that. I'm willing to put up with the chastisement. I'm here by the grace of God....

yours....grace

Yes, NeverGuessed.... I will write an NC letter today, and I will show it to my H. If he doesn't want me to send it, should I respect his wishes?

Stretch, thanks for your insight... interesting!

Before I even knew about MB, my H had already had that POV you're talking about. He told me that there must be something he's "doing" or "not doing" that is driving me outside the M... That wasn't to get me off the hook, b/c what I did was HORRIBLE! But I realized that I could talk to him. I couldn't open up and have intimate converstaion with my H..... now I realize I need this (my top need), and I must develop that with my H.

Flip side, I need to meed my H's needs.....still working on determining those.