Good evening. Haven't been on here in...over a year, I think! I'm here to ask your advice for a friend. I will try to give accurate details & can probably get what I don't have if needed...

Friend does some work at a community center, where he met OW, who utilizes services there. Not sure of the precise timeline, but it's the classic scenario: casual conversation turned "horrible marriage, going to leave BH, looking for my own place, can you help?" turned full-blown A. Friend/OM had been recently divorced & believed OW's stories/lies. He says he really cared about her, believing there was a future for them.

The PA is now over and there is no communication I'm told, but OW still goes to community center while OM is working. OW has winked at, made comments to, and seemingly "egged on" friend/OM by making a point of being where he is in the building, etc.

There is a child involved, whose DNA is only assumed.

This situation weighs heavily on friend/OM. I've suggested he come clean - tell BH everything. This amateur suggestion of mine is two-fold:

1. The BH has every right to know - about the A, about the (potential of) OC (would we call it OC??), that his WW frequently returns to where OM works while he's working, etc.

2. I can't see any other way for friend/OM to heal & truly move on with his own life.

He has stated this was the worst thing he's ever done, he acknowledges the BH has the right to know and that OC could potentially be his. He found out where BH works & has considered sending an anonymous letter. I suggested anonymous email instead based on advice I've seen around here.

I know right from wrong, as does friend/OM, but I'm obviously biased in this situation, somewhat, right? I feel very strongly the BH has the right to know and that the WW should also take responsibility for her actions, as should friend/OM. But we all know there is a very real risk of safety, etc involved and I wouldn't want to advise someone to do something that could prove harmful to his body, property, position in the community, or his own DS (yes, I see/hear/feel/tasted the bias there!)

What say you?

{{{{{{{{{{{{Julie!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

My vote is he NOT send an anonymous letter, because that will go in the trash and that will be the end of that. What he needs to do is man up and send the OWH a letter confessing the affair and explaining there might be a DNA issue. Offer his phone # in case the OWH wants to ask some questions.

He is not planning on having anything to do with this child if it is his, is he? Because that would destroy their marriage. The decent thing to do would be to promise to leave them alone.

He willingly took that risk when he had an affair with a married woman. That is the risk of having an affair. Your friend should not be protected from those consequences at the expense of his victim. The right of the OWH to know supercedes everything.

Julie,

OW still goes to community center while OM is working.

OK so in OWs mind she still longs for OM, meaning her H is just a Roommate or brother figure or a guy who pays the bills and baby sits..

There is a child involved, whose DNA is only assumed.

How can OM ever have a relationship with any Woman if he has This huge secret hanging in his past? The enormity of what OM Has done demands that he makes amends.

BH has to be told and every day the BH is kept in the dark increases the damage that is done to him, for goodness sake have some compassion for this BH perhaps you could tell if OM is too much of a coward.

God Bless
Gamma

Hello -

Thanks for responding; sorry for my delay. This is a tough one! Mel, I figured you say he needs to confess w/o being anonymous...even I fear for what the result (not "consequence"!) of that could be! You just never know, and we saw here on this very site how things can get out of hand & detrimental.

OM & I discussed my "helping" him...is ME writing the letter/calling a meeting w/BH a good/valid idea? I'm not afraid to...I do use services @Community Center too, don't know WW well & could probably "easily" make a switch if my own safety was at risk.

Hmmm...

Julie, a big part of this is that he needs to man up and be willing to face the consequences. He did a horrible thing to this man. The OWH has a right to know who the OM is. I don't see any difference between you telling or the OM other than it seems sort of weasely to get you to do it. And being a weasel in the past has not served him well.

I think the best way to do this is for him to write the OWH a letter and maybe having you deliver the letter. But the letter should be delivered by someone other than the OM. He does need to give his full name.

I am not that concerned about the OM's safety. I am more concerned about the OWH's safety. The OM and the WW have done a horrendous thing to this man.

Noted.

You always could set me straight.

Yeah right, you little hard headed red head!!

I am not sure what other BH's have done.I am pretty sure my response was not the best. When my wife decided to tell me on D-day, the OM bailed and left her alone. We met the next day, with our spouses to put an end to things. But i found that my patience left me soon after, and I ended up paying him a couple of visits. I don't recommend this for the BS, it ends up bringing a lot of internal turmoil and occasionally a lot of explaining to do...

CV

I should clarify... By a lot of visits, I mean I broke three of my knuckles. not a smart move.

In retrospect the higher road should have been taken, but i like the idea of having a letter delivered with a phone number to talk to him. It will give the BS the opportunity to say things he may need to and not have the opportunity to in the future. Make sure he has a strong support structure when he gets hit with the news of the A. I was alone and had no one to turn to. Me and the missus stuck it out 3 years on our own.

CV

If the OM does not tell the BH, I would recommend you tell him. No warning, no, "If you don't tell I will." Not a word to the affairees, just a swift exposure to the BH.

That man could be exposed to a life-threatening disease. If he doesn't have a chance to address this problem directly, his WW is likely to cheat again, exposing him to even more danger. And that's only considering the BH, never mind the child with an unknown medical history.

This knowledge has not come to you by coincidence. If the OM will not man up, it rests with you to protect the BH.

OK, thanks again to those who have responded. Here's the thing: I'm getting conflicting...responses! And I'm planning to send friend/OM the link to this thread soon. I agree, this WW will likely do it again. Also, this is something I have a hard time "keeping to myself" but would rather friend/OM does the right thing of his own accord.

What do you mean you are getting conflicting responses??? Everyone agrees the OWH should be told!

I guess I meant the method by which. Or wanted to bump. OK...

That's great, because you can get several perspectives on the best method to use.

The question is this: when are you going to do this? Don't bump - DO.

I meant "bump" my thread.

OK, sending him link now. I do well with deadlines. He & I have discussed this for some time...now I've gotten some perspective, next (for me, because it works well...for ME) would be a deadline.

Good job, Julie!

IMHO, he needs to personally visit or call the BH, and also write a letter.

In the letter, it would be very important to let the BH know the dates that this affair covered, so the paternity issue could not be skirted by his WW.

Also, let BH know she is still sniffing around.

Finally, he should apologize like a man who means what he says, no excuses, no self-serving comments. He should NOT mention any feelings he might have had for this WW, nor should he state anything regarding his own pain. This letter is to serve the needs of the BH, and nobody else's.


He should also offer to pay for paternity testing, IMO, or at least to split the cost.

And he should be prepared to do what is necessary if he is the father of this child. The married couple may wish to go ahead and raise it, even if the child is not biologically the "dad's". OM needs to sit down and think very carefully about what is best for the child, and DO THAT.



What a mess. For all involved. And yes, that BH has a right to know his marriage is in the tank.

Any updates?