This is the first time I've ever reached out to strangers for help, advice or just to have someone to lean on... My husband and I have been married for 4 years, have a 2 year old and another due in a couple weeks. My husband is currently in the military and returned from a year long deployment right before our son's 1st birthday. And every day since his return has been a struggle. Before his deployment our relationship was the strongest marriage/friendship I had ever known. But this deployment changed him; it changed us both. When he first returned he was distant and emotionless, it was obvious he was uncomforable around our son and; at times, me as well. It took several months and a much needed vacation to visit our family for me to see the "spark" back in his eyes and for him to "snap" out of his deployment mind set. But only a few months later when his team of guys he was deployed with got split up I noticed (an understandable) change in him again. Then one day I got on his email to see if I could find an email from a friend we were expecting and instead found an email from another women; it had nude pictures of her with a message that said "Here are the photos you wanted". After looking through the email I found it had origionally been sent to a new email (obviously used for sex) he had created. And after finding that I found he had become a memeber of a website that connected people for sex. I waited a few days before confonting him so I could try and calm down and try and watch myself to see what I could be doing that was driving him to other women. I finally broke down and told him I knew and asked him why and what I needed to change to make him happy. He told me it was a one night thing, he couldn't sleep and was stressed about work; he was sorry and it would never happen again; and I foolishly believed him. But after taking a friend's advice I checked in to make sure he had stayed true to his word. Of course he hadn't, and I found out he had signed up for that website MONTHS before I confronted him about it. After telling him again, that I knew and that it needed to stop, I thought it had, for months I checked his history and various emails to make sure it was a one time thing. And for the past few months I thought it was over. But in the past week I've found two new sites for meeting locals for sex. I don't know if he's meet any of these women offline; but I know he only talks to women in our city. And I know I can't trust him enough to ask him.
He is getting out of the military in a few months and we will be back home around family and I keep telling myself that if I can hold out until we have support we can make it, but for 14 months I have been with a man who doesn't respect me and who continuously cheats on me. I am a good wife and mother, and I understand that I've done something to push him to this, but he keeps telling me he's happy and that I'm not doing anything wrong. He tells me that he loves me. And I want to believe him, but how can I? How can I trust him? I don't know where to turn. I know we need counseling, I want to work through this, I want the man I married back. But we still have 2 months before that can happen, and I'm not sure how much more I can take on, I feel selfish saying it but I know it's true. I am a work from home mom of a toddler, I'm 9 months pregnant, and have a husband suffering from PTSD. I have spent the last 4 years alone, 6,000 miles away from family and friends to support the man I love. I don't think I am asking too much for him to respect me.

K,

I am sorry this has been happening in your life. There is never a good time for marital issues, but having this happen during your pregnancy is really tough.

First, I recommend you click the notify button on the bottom of this page and ask that your thread be moved to the "Surviving an Affair" forum. It has much more traffic than this forum and will get you many more posts. Even though you are a military family, the concepts for recovering a marriage after your husband's behavior are the same for everyone.

You mention your H has been different since the deployment and has PTSD. Is he being treated or in counseling for the PTSD? For a long time after re-deploying, my husband was very changed. He is now on anti-depressants, attends a monthly PTSD group and is much better. PTSD, however, is no excuse for your H's current behavior.

I suggest you start by reading the articles on this site, if you have not done so already. Also, read the books, "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs". They provide a good description of Dr. Harley's concepts for marriagebuilding.

Take good care of yourself and baby.

AM

Moved from Military Marriages forum.

I caught my husband in an online affair a few months back and after sorting through countless lies about how long it had been going on I thought we had finally resolved the issue. But I recently found two more websites on his email and history of his computer that were for connecting with locals for sex. I haven't confronted him about these more recent ones because I'm not for sure how to even start. We have a 2 year old and I'm 38 weeks pregnant with our second. He blamed stress at work (he's in the military and had recently returned from deployment) the first time it happened but continued to lie to me about how far it had gone and for how long. I'm worried he might take it to the next level (if he hasn't already) and meet these women in person instead of just online.
In 5 weeks he�ll be out of the military and we�ll be living close to family and so I don�t know if I should wait until we have a better support system or bring it up now. I�m not even sure where or how to begin to bring it up again. I worry if I �nag� too much or come across as insecure it�ll just push him further away. I also worry this is how he�s dealing with PTSD and if I approach the situation wrong it will embarrass him or push him deeper into a depression and he�ll try to hurt himself. It�s obvious he needs more help than I can give but I don�t know how to make him see it so we can save our marriage. I love him with all my heart and want to help him and our marriage be as strong as it was before the affairs. But the pain of dealing with this over and over and not feeling like I am giving enough to make him happy or that I will never be enough for him is making me want to call it quits. Please help me.

kbeaverson, I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am confused about his deployment status. Is he back home with you now?

Threads have been merged..

yes he's been back home for a little over a year. The affairs started less than 5 months after he got home.

kb, I would put a keylogger on his computer and find out what he is doing. Don't ASK him, just quietly find out what he is doing and come back here. The key will be to dig out the secret and bring it into the light. Once that happens, you can kill his infidelity. Once you kill the infidelity, you will have a chance to save your marriage. He may be addicted to porn, too. That is a possibility and that is also a huge problem.

Can you swing $100 to download a keylogger on his computer? If so, eblaster is a good one because you just have to access his computer once. It will email you daily or hourly reports. You can get it here: spectorsoft.com

Once you get the goods, don't confront him. COME HERE and we will help you with next steps.

The only problem I'd have with that is getting it on his computer; he's home sick for the next few days but I have wondered about buying programs like that before. I just didn't know if it would hurt more than help. I'm still at a point where as long as I don't know details everything seems fine. But I know the longer I keep pushing it away and acting like if I ignore it it will go away the harder it's going to be to fix our relationship.

No, it won't go away. And by not addressing it, you are enabling him. Everything is NOT fine. Conflict avoidance causes more conflict.

It takes about 10 minutes to install. You can buy it and download it on your computer and transfer it to a memory stick. Do you have one of those? That will give you a chance to install it quickly on YOUR computer and practice. And then when he goes to the store or something, you can slap it on his computer using the memory stick.

Before you do all that, set up a gmail or yahoo web-based email account that he will not know about. you want the reports sent there so you can sign in from anywhere and get the reports.

kb, I know this is very tough, but you have to be strong and not back down from conflict right now. Can you do that, hon? Your marriage and your children need you to CHOOSE to be strong and stand up like a woman of character and help your husband. He is lost right now and needs you to lead him out of the darkness.

That means you are going to have to step out of your comfort zone. And I know you can do this. Strength and courage are a CHOICE that you can make. You can't back down or afford to be timid when it comes to your children's family and your marriage.

Can you do this?

I want to be that woman. I really want to help him.