You are being much too hard on yourself! {{{chickadee}}}

Jennifer (Harley) Chalmers talked to me about lovebusters early in R and she told me if I was feeling emotional or upset it is OK to tell my H I will talk to him later.

Hang in there...

nw that makes total sense and exactly what i am feeling at this point.

I definately think he is and was trying to make a go of this, right now he is very upset with himself and his past behavior.

SusieQ- jennifer told me the same thing. you are right.

its just so frustrating to get to what i thought was a great start and then to have a setback, but i guess the setback, arrows and trickle truth can make us stronger.

Thank you, i will try not to be to hard on myself today, i just want this whole thing to be behind me already.

how do you rephrase a question to him similar to: why do you want this marroige or do you? I am not going thru this again. or is that a bad question to ask at this time?

btw what are spiders?

Well, how about...

Do you want to stay in this marriage or not? If you want a divorce then you need to go file for one. If you don't want a divorce, then I want to get all of our cards on the table now, get everything out so that there are no more trickle truths, no more lies, no more halfways because there is no way that I'm ever going to go through this again. If I get any hint of contact again with OW, then I'm out of here. So what do you want to do?


Is that, essentially, what you want to ask? Then, well, ask it Honesty, if delivered without AO or DJ, is always a good policy.

Spiders, I believe, are some type of automated search programs that internet browsers use.

now thats about what i was thinking, but i didnt know if i had to be nicer, but that about sums it up. i cannot do this anymore or again!

next dilemma- there has been no contact recently partially bc we but the firewall on sms, but there has been effort- though the cell phone does not hold or record them bc they actually dont get to the phone they are in lala land. well because she is a bunny burner and has tried unsuccessfully to reach his phone, we have been advised to send the cease and desist letter (even after the NC letter- she persistant) our attn suggested that we take the block off to record the messages, bc when it hits she will go nutty- then we/he will have a "case". thoughts- not looking forward to tomorrow or wednesday when it hits...

Yes Chickadee you can be honest and open AND say those things. Say them sweetly but to the point and look him in the eye.

He needs to know you're not fooling around.

Keep track of everything that the crazy posow does and report it to attny and get an emergency RO if needed. You can get one in less than 24 hrs if needed.

So she's a Glenn Close bunny boiler type? We've dealt with them. When she realizes she is not getting a reaction except with possible jail time being the reaction she will change course and probably stop and go obsess over somebody else.

Stay strong! Remember plan A isn't all or nothing based on one day and its' success is over the entire plan A. Keep it going. You're doing well!

No reason to be mean or anything, just be honest with what you tell him.

As for the phone, if you do remove the block, make sure you have the phone and not your husband. You can, sorry to say, probably handle the trigger better than he can right now.

peachy- i will try and be sweet, i am not saying i am a bch but sweet sometimes sounds condensending to me, but i will try. didnt have the energy to talk last night, so i will dicuss tonight.

NW- i love the plan of having the phone, i didnt think of that. you are right i can handle it better, and more safely- i wont respond or react in a way that would be damaging.

my new awake at 4am is.... how much is too much info that i wont be able to fight for it? i was fighting for it before but this bump has thrown me into a tizzy, and he knows.. said "you were willing to fight and i screwed up again, by not telling you all" when i say no more trickle truths in our conversation, if there are more untruths, what is the limit of what i want to take? there is one line.. as i know now there have been one big PA and the small little one with strangers, if i find out he was involved with his sons, mom, i will just fall apart- that will ruin the entire unit, including my stepson, who i treasure. he is much older now, but our lives were built on a respect for each other and making a dual home work and showing him that even though things didnt work out like the typical mom dad child family- they could work and be nuturing and productive. that i think is my ultimate worry and line.

I guess i do have to cross that and find out the truth so i can move forward with no regrets, doubts and fears... justdreading the conversation. a big one time hit would have been better. and i have a psycho to boot. my life is looking a bit like a c rated movie.

well i guess tonights convo came sooner... i said it! just as we discussed, plus a few more things. he didnt have much to say, very sad, confused, guilty, fearful, disgusted.....

i did ask that he stop, pushing his thoughts of why would i stay and how he thought i couldnt get over this and i would never be able to trust him onto me, and told him that they were not my thoughts but possibly his true feelings, so he needed to figure out where he wants to be.

he said he would think about all of it and we would talk tonight, both late for work now... but oh well. not feeling to positive about the way he is feeling and dont know what he will come back with but i guess its the reality and it take 2 to make it work and i guess i will get some resolve later,

btw- he did hand me the phone and agreed the idea was good, i told him- the letter was not even at the po yet so tomorrow would be fine, it is his work phone.

i think he is baffled by my calmness and that is scaring him, or he has just got to many more skeletons and is scared shtless.

ooh am i babbling like a WH?

Yes, he's probably thrown off by your calmness and realizing that he has the potential for really running you off. Whether there is anything else, well, do you have any facts that you could test his honesty with?

No, you're not babbling and those "what else is there?" questions can really get to you. I am kind of surprised you're letting him "think it over" and get back to you this evening with his answer of what he's doing. You're either in or you're out, what's there to think about? If you're ready to get this show on the road, no reason to piddle around pondering the question all day From your other posts, it doesn't really sound like he's having trouble committing to the marriage, just committing to telling the complete truth.

Too, you don't want each of you to go back to your separate corners and end up sweeping something under the rug.

chick, when I found out about OW2, I was upset about it and a poster here "mopey" pushed me to ask for a poly and it was the best thing I could have done. So I am going to suggest it to you again.

There WAS something else that my H was hiding and without asking for the poly, and who knows when the next bomb would have gone off. At least this way I was confident there was nothing else, you know?

My sister also required a poly. The day that she told him she scheduled it and printed Qs off and left them on the kitchen table, he confessed ALL including another OW. (We both didn't end up getting the poly done)

If your H has proven himself to be a trickle truther and you have suspicions that there may have been another A, I fear he will need the pressure of the poly to give the WHOLE truth. As painful as it will be, you need to get it out of the way. Every additional dday really hurts your chances of recovering.

"do you have any facts that you could test his honesty with?"

no, and i have been into EVERYTHING and monitored it all! this would have been something well in the past, i am really just going on a gut feeling- it has been pretty reliable for me, if not ooops.


"From your other posts, it doesn't really sound like he's having trouble committing to the marriage, just committing to telling the complete truth."

that what i am thinking..gut talking- or should i call it pit.

he is scared, i am hoping he just fesses everything, i know he know there is no more bs for me, and i am ready to move on, if it continues.

if not my next step will be the poly... thx susieQ

you all are right!!!! just dreading more crap, and the ultimate crap that could happen.

" I am kind of surprised you're letting him "think it over" and get back to you this evening with his answer of what he's doing. You're either in or you're out, what's there to think about? If you're ready to get this show on the road, no reason to piddle around pondering the question all day "

NW- I think as i was the other day, stunned into silence- so as i said to him yesterday, he needed to absorbe it all, i do agree with you basically sht or get off the pot- but i did talk about more things than just my one pre- planned well worded (thx NW) statement. And let him stew for a few hours, I feel better now that i said it.

I did get a very touching email this AM, i make sure he knows that i appreciate it. I will be sweet, and i am very sincere about it really. He is trying to try.


thank you very much, you are really making the worst days of my life a bit better, i do appreciate all of your honesty and time.

Your husband sounds a lot like my wife and also reminds me of another poster whose wife is in a similar boat.

Do you think the email was an attempt to appease you and, hopefully, get you to drop the subject? If so, thank him for it, say you appreciate it, but still want to go over everything to make sure that there are no more secrets.

And just tell him to get it all out on the table. That you both need to have complete honesty here and that you'll even put the toilet paper under lock and key Was kind of being serious about saying that to him--throwing a little levity into the conversation may help.

And then, whatever he says, don't go off on him in front of him, ok? Thank him for the honesty and go for a drive or something.

If he's scared (and he should be) then he's going to have to feel safe enough to tell you these things without you flying off the handle. Yeah, I know, it's backwards since you should have every right to get ticked off, but you have to get this bandaid off.

NW- i agree they do sound similar and i have been following your post, i do feel for what you are going thru, but i was also relating it so much to mine, as well as the other poster, i think i am talk the same one as you. so does that mean my H is acting like a girl?? kidding- toilet paper is locked up,

I am very surprised to see so many men on this site, its an eye opener for me, as is this whole experience- i have learned alot and hopefully i will never send anyone i know here, but i know they are in good hands if need be.

No, I dont think the email was a way for me to drop it, he knows what i said, i think the part about "if you want a Divorce go file it" came as bit of a slap, as well as me saying dont keep stating "i dont think how/why/woulld/could you every forgive", if that is your (his) thought than you(he) need to think about it, but that is not for you to decide or think for me. i have been committed to this marrige. it was much more eloquent than that, but i think, him hiding behind my feelings is a cop-out.

He knows i wont push this under the carpet. I think he is scared that he just ruined his life.

I will be quite and listen, but i dont think i can muster a hand on the back encouraging him. I will thank him, and then figure out my life.

i have a back up to come get me- angry drivers are not good on the road, i am just dreading what could be the 2nd oops 3rd worst night in my life.

NW - BTW golf is a great RC- played 2 time in the last two weeks, the last time we played was over 15 years ago and that didnt go that well at all. I gave it another shot, Best ball team - match play with 2 friends- we did out own thing and beat them. I did get better over the years- but i really dont care and dont get to upset over hitting a silly ball the wrong way.

Well, maybe it won't be so bad this time.

I agree with your thinking he needs to quit presuming what you're thinking. That would get old pretty quick and is often just blame shifting--or something.

Just keep plodding ahead, you'll get through it soon enough. These things change so quickly, that I'll bet next week has you looking back on this from a different (better) perspective.

Glad to hear, you're one of several that think it's a good way to spend time.

With the two kids, it's been so long since we even did anything together that it's no wonder we got into this mess. We got a babysitter last weekend and took a 3-hr roadtrip. Later, we realized it had been the year 2003 (before our oldest was born) that we had done that. It's nuts, but we see the errors now.

ohh it was that bad, i do hope next week is better, but as my gut said, truth be told. have to write it tomorrow in a word doc, typing terrible and hands are too shaky. but the reality of the premonitions is alas true. not so bad right now. i have many questions on how to move forward and the more details the better the answers.. rrggh my c rated movie is true, not poly needed, susieq- but that would have added a c- rating to my life- all was fessed. appreciate the support and will need more as i figure this crap out. ur gonna love this one, but i know others are worse, but i know there is some one out there that has good advice. my old quote used to be..you cant have sunbeams without little specks of dust. oh dear dust storm, and not even from the south/west, sorry all southern/midwest folks have not experienced one till today.

Sorry to hear that your fears were confirmed. Do you think there's anything left that he hasn't told you, or are you satisfied that everything is out?

How's your husband acting?

Write if you get a chance. I know how it is to be unable to think!

So so sorry to hear this update. {{{{{chickadee}}}}}