thanks- you are right, no i am not too afraid to go.

but before i decide... i need a plan, the exposure thing again this time feels different- the first time, before i found you all. i made him call his family etc. then i found MB and there is a plan to it, i was making it up, so now how does the exposure work, the exposure is more like a confession of sorts. i feel like i am kinda jumping back into a game thats already in play.

i made him call all the people, infront of me the first time. the exposure plan here tells me to do it. he has had no physical contact with her for at least a few months, the last two for sure, bc we have been working on this stuff.

so am i exposing the A or just exposing the lies, see thats where i am a bit confused-will have date for polygraph this morning. should i wait till thats over? i kinda liked the way i did it making him announce his 1st A.

any thoughts on how to proceed?

either way DSS will know today, i did rethink, i am going to let him tell with me there, if i did it- DSS may think he is a coward (which he is -bc he didnt tell me when given the opportunity 12x, with no judgement) i would like DSS to have a little faith (i dont know the word) in his father bc he came clean, and wicked stepmom didnt tell on him.

next steps, anyone?

The thing is, chicka, I wonder if your H is a serial cheater. It doesn't sound like he had the typical A where he got addicted to the OP. That's why I wanted you to talk to Dr Harley, I would really like his take on this.

I just want to make sure I have this right... There have been four OW and you already exposed the latest OW. The other three As took place over the years, the one with baby momma has been on and off for years, is that right?

it appears that he is... i will try and call today.
there have been 4 ow. the crazy thing also is that i have spoken with his 2 BFF and they are shocked beyond belief at this recent outcome, they were floored by the first but this they cannot respond. one a esq. who wrote the C&D letter and gave me the poly name, is a bit concerned. most cheaters are pretty easy to give hints and such to their BFF. they had NO NO NO idea and may not ever speak to him again, i said psysoipath, he said hmmm. he is a criminal def esq, so he knows some pretty bad folks. and he is concerned about his behavior

i found out about them in a backword order but this is the order that i have pulled together.

baby moma over a few years, most recentnly as the fall (??).
two girls make out in bar, whatever that is.
OW for 8 mos. ended 2/24.

exposed OW#4 on 2/24. sent NC and C&D letter called family frinds...

began MB plan and have been to MC 2x per week (for each), spoke to jennifer 3x working on EN. things going really good.
but then the gut, and his fog (which was guilt) and i know there was no contact with anyone including babymoma during this time feb to now- we kinda of hauled up at home together, but that foggyness was weird so i told him sht or get off the pot,as directed in a sweet way. thats when bar girls and baby moma came out, put it was like pulling teeth, one day bar girls, next baby moma kissing, next day he wrote the note admitting there was more.. that was yesterday.

Uggh...geez. When's that next appointment with Jennifer again?

Exposure if generally meant to get the affair partners to quit messing around. If NC is already in place, then I'd say just tell DSS and any OW's spouses and let it rest.

From what I've read elsewhere, a wayward usually spills their guts in the face of a polygraph. Keep up with him on that and see where it goes.

After speaking with Jennifer, I bet you'll have a better idea for a plan of action. Assuming your next appointment is next week, why don't you just wait until you talk to her before making any major decision? Waiting to make a decision can be your decision

Good idea. You can also email your situation, the address is under the MB Radio tab up at the top of this page.

Hang in there, hon...

got the info, have to email. they wanto the whole story rrgg, thats alot.

i am lucky we are schedule for tonight!!
i like that -waiting to make a decision is my decision today!

the thing thats killing me is that he is really pulling back, bc he thinks it over and there is now way for me to get over this. and maybe there isnt, but i told him not to think for me. but reading here at this point he should be trying to get me thru this pain, and he is frozen. tip toeing around and behavior like that. ?????

I've thought that as well about my wife.

Why don't you ask him why he's walking on eggshells and not busting his butt to make this up to you?

Predicted answer: I thought you (were or would get) mad at me and I didn't want to make it worse so I thought I'd leave you alone. I thought that's what you wanted, to be left alone for a while.

will do, but thats exactly what his answer would be word for word.

its just annoying.


just read
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=162467&Number=2501052#Post2501052

made me feel a bit better- get the tissues

i still like the exposing to family and friends, puts the mess out there and he has to own up to his actions.

should i delete his email account- baby moma emailed tru that, the last email was the other night of her begging us not to tell DSS.

i also want to delete is personal phone, i got it for him and she has the number- its in my name. even if its spiteful. do i just do it on both issues it or tell him to do, or i do it and say "wow, how could that have happened" and flip my hair back, while batting my eyes?

You are right. This is what Dr Harley says about exposing an A that has already ended:


But your H doing this on his own (taking extraordinary precautions) is somewhat a test of how committed he is to R. If he will not take these steps to prevent contact himself, then you have to ask yourself if this is someone you should take seriously.

Ask him to delete the email account and change the phone number today. Tell him that his doing this is a requirement for your staying in the marriage.

agreed! i was just angrgy and need to do some action.

i will put them on the list that i am preparing, its growing. what do you mean by extraordinary precautions. he is at the MC now, then we have jennifer. I may wait till after then, just to see if he comes up with it on his own.

had the little convo about his egg shells- word for word....

the first time i prepared a list of actions he had to do he jumped in and did them. this time pretty much same list, he is annoyed. he feels like me making him cofess to everyone, is like i am taking him down a notch, I will be honest, it does feel pretty good, but i the main goal is to move forward and i think it is even healing to him, it was the first time.

i told him if he wanted this to work he better put all that he read and what were were doing into action now, dont wait for me i still can breath and what he should be doing is helping me up from the truck that hit me 4x's.

some poster quoted/tag line about the cliff and jumping off, cant remember who, i wanted to write it down

You don't know what EPs are!? Yikes! This will be crucial for your H based on his history of multiple affairs...

Here's a link:
Extraordinary Precautions

no i know what EP are and those are on the list, i just didnt know if you meant something in realtion to how the account should be deleted. like he had to take extraordinary precautions while he was deleting the account, like dont press that button. sorry mis-communcation.

that brings up a point. i have this list of things i need him to do like confess to family..... i know should he actually be writing that list for me, should i not be writing it for him?

listen he has read the book, 2x and spoke to jennifer, he should know this, but i am afraid he dosent remeber, should i remind him, i can put it on my list

Ask Jennifer what she thinks re: your list. It sounds reasonable to me to make a list of things that you'd like to see.

The hesitancy on his part sounds familiar, but you're right to push for what you need him to do if he wants you to stay married to him. Following the same logic, it's then his call to say whether or not he can/will meet those conditions.

btw- would you suggest i ask him to look at this forum for advice and post?

i kinda dont want to because it been a good thing for "just me" and has been what has been helping me thru this (thats a taker move)

but i do think you all could help him, if he wants and a bitt of an [censored] kicking with support would be nice. and how would i handle it if you thoguht it was a good idea, meaning would i tell him my name, or say look at my posts or just tell him to read and am sure he would figure the c rate movie was his wife. or tell him to post his own????

Hold off for now, see what Jennifer thinks. Perhaps it could be an item on your "to-do" list for him?

Moderators can "edit" your thread, believe you just have to contact them via the "Notify" tab at the bottom of each post.

ahh very confusing- thats a good idea though i didnt ask her about that, shoot. he is finishing up with jennifer now. it was nice to speak to her. maybe i will be able to ask in our closing comments if any...

I really like the idea of BSs asking their FWSs to post here as part of recovery. I asked my H to post here and even though he wasn't big into posting, he did read and it was helpful for him...and it helped to show me he was committed to R...

I think it's just a balancing act of making sure your WH is not too foggy to where he will try to use what he learns here against you. You will have to make the judgement call of when you think he is ready

Hi Chickadee, North asked me to look in on your thread. I'm pretty new too, and you are in great hands if you are counselling with the pros here, but I have to agree with what was said above.

EPs are going to be a big part of your life. Your husband needs to be totally transparent, an open book. And for a long time - years probably you are going to need to be snooping in ways he does not know about.

Make this safe for you first and foremost. Otherwise whats the point? Why look over your shoulder the rest of your life?

I know hes maybe onboard maybe not. But you protect you.