I am new here but have been reading MB forums for several months now. I am hoping someone can help me. A short version of my story is: Almost one year ago I found out my husband had cheated on me. I was devestated, he is my whole life. We have no children and have been married now 26 years. My only goal in life was to make him happy. After the discovery, we went through the past year off and on with him telling me on three different occasions that he would try to work it out but a few days or a week later, he would come back and say he couldn't do it. He has continuously said he still cares about me and he loves me but he is not in love with me anymore. Through friends and snooping, I later found out that he is currently in another affair at the present time. I love my husband so much and this is absolutely tearing me apart. I was on anti-depressants and sleeping pills for a time but had to ditch those due to problems. It is all I can do to function. He says he wants to be friends but how can I be his friend when he is so determined to rip my heart out. I have forgiven him for his indiscretions as I know that is what God would want me to do and I have told him this. I pray to God daily to take away my pain and to help me through this awful time in my life, but I am hurting so very badly right now. If my husband is determined to go through with divorce, how do I go about detaching myself. I long to hear his voice and see his face but every time we talk, I find myself crying, begging and pleading for another chance. I know that is not what I should be doing, but I am desperately trying to save my marriage.

Any advice is welcome. All my friends are telling me to just kick him out and be done with him, but I can't, I love him more than life itself. And to be honest, he is a good person, he has always taken care of me in every way. I just don't know what else I can do to try to save this marriage and frankly I feel this is in the right forum because he insists he is done. My goal here I guess is to learn how to detach if that is possible. I cry off and on all day and all night. It is hard to even work because all my thoughts are constantly on what I am going through.

I am posting this from work at this time, but will check in when I can.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, Joy. I'm sorry you find yourself here under these circumstances.

You have a lot of history with your H, or I would agree that he appears to be a serial cheater who isn't worth your time.

What do you know about the OW? Do they work together? Is she married?

What is the financial situation in your marriage?
What are the separation/divorce laws in your state?

Sadly, there's no magic button for "detaching" yourself, but a first step would be to promise yourself that you'll NEVER EVER beg like that again. It's having the opposite effect, and I suspect you know that.

So you've got to take charge of your life again, quit letting him and this woman dictate your happiness. A first step would be shining the light of day on his little affair(s) with a massive exposure. Target OW's parents, friends, husband, children, everyone. Target your husband's parents, friends, etc. asking them to directly intervene to stop the affair.

I would also call this OW and tell her that this affair is over with, that she's going to leave your husband the hell alone, that she has p.o.'d a lot of people and that, if she doesn't back off right now, there's going to be hell to pay. Then hang up.

Drag her sorry butt through the mud, ok? You've got the moral high ground here, don't you dare throw that away!

Until your husband knows that you will not stay married at all costs, and will leave his sorry butt, he won't end his affair.

You can do this, you just have to get to that point where you're done taking all this crap from your husband and his girlfriend(s).

Joy, the above is a very important question, don't forget to answer that

Because he can. He can cheat without consequences.


Yes, you do. He does not love you. He hurts you. He deliberately hurts you.


Sadly, your WH is "OK" and "just fine" with watching your heart being broken day after day. Your WH is heartless and cruel towards you. There is no getting around this fact.



Go back to your MD and ask for a different solution. Just because one or two meds don't suit you does not mean another might not be of great help.


Fact:
He does not really want to be your friend.
He wants you to act friendly to assuage his guilt.
He NEEDS guilt to be right with his God.



I do not buy this for one minute.
Your motive for forgiving a current sinner/adulterer was your misguided hope that your "forgiveness" would somehow magically "inspire" WH to see the light, ditch his affair partner, and come back to you, the one good/true woman who extends mercy, not consequences.






I think God wants you to go back to your physician to treat your anxiety/depression.
I think God wants you to seek out legal advice to protect yourself.



Forget "detaching" right now.
Think PROTECTION instead.
God wants you to protect yourself.
God wants you to fight for your sanity.


Get thee to your physician. ASAP


No, you are not trying to save your marriage. You are trying to breathe without it hurting.
You are trying to sleep longer than 60 minutes at a time.
You are trying to restore your body to wellness.


Apparently not ....



Do you worship your WH instead of God?
Think about it.


.... except for the adultery and the cruelty ....



You need Plan fix-depression/anxiety.

Has this adultery been exposed to the entire community? To WH's parents?
To your church community?
Is OW married?



You've been beaten up.
Time to stand up and stop taking the beating.

I agree with all this Pep said, and I think it will be very important also for you to think about this position you have given him, and that you are acting like what he is doing/saying is an act of God.

Did you figure out the Signature thing in the preferences yet?

How are you doing today BTW?
Check into the Anti-Ds
Read on this site a lot.
You have been together a long time. I can tell you from experience it takes time to adjust, and there is hope.

Time involved with the right things is the key.

Hi Joy,

Welcome to MB, and so sorry you are hurting.

How are you doing today?

Wish you well Joy and hope you're feeling a bit more joy on this glorious Easter Sunday!

Let us know how you're feeling and what you're doing! This place can help! Let us know what's going on and we'll try our best.

Also wanted to say, that Pepperband gave you stellar advice! Right now WHO you worship is key. Also, remember this: Begging and pleading IS NOT ATTRACTIVE at all, to either sex. Nobody finds this as a challenge, instead a wayward will see their betrayed partner begging and pleading like a doormat. One they can walk all over.