sorry....mistake in my last post --- I realized that I couldn't talk openly with my H. We were not able to have intimate conversations.

hope that makes sense.

Hi, grace. I can maybe help a little with some of this. I'm a FBW, so maybe I can give you some insight from your H's mind.

First order of business: cut off every avenue of potential contact with OM. Change your phone number. Don't just block your email account, close it. (If you just block his email from your current account, he can always email you from a different, unblocked email address.) Set up a new one and block his email from there.

If you have Facebook, get rid of it. You don't HAVE to have yourself out there on a social networking site.

If he doesn't want you to send a NC letter, don't send it. Don't bring it up again. The NC letter is a sign of commitment to your BH that he doesn't want. Respect that.

Don't offer info about your A unless he asks. If he does, answer truthfully. Not everyone needs to know the same amount about an A.

As far as being interested in SF with him. I think you're stumbling on that because you are not in love with your H. Start by reading Dr. H's basic concepts, here.

You had no trouble being intimate with OM because you felt love for him. You need to fall in love with your BH again and intimacy should follow.

Also, check out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire, here. You'll both want to identify you most important emotional needs. His need for SF is probably at the top spot. Yours probably is not. Do the worksheets provided with this article to help you.

Finally (and I think this should keep you busy for awhile! ) the two of you need to spend at least 25-30 hours a week in Undivided Attention (UA) time with each other. Sounds like a lot, but it can be done if recovering your M is your priority.

grace, this is not clear. Did you change the email or not? If not, WHY not? Like Gloveoil said, it should have been changed, like, yesterday. This is a no brainer.

We cross posted, mb.

I would recommend you do the above today. Leaving yourself susceptible to OM's contact is cruel to your H. Please make this a priority.

G88, thank you for the seriousness with which you are considering our counsel. We ONLY want to help you both recover, and repair your marriage.

Do you remember the old joke about the man stranded in rising flood waters, the boat, the helicopter, etc, and St Peter finally saying, "We heard your prayers, that's why we sent the boat and the chopper!"

...he just wants us to move forward together, and that he's relying on God's help and guidance to help him heal.

Dear lady, why do you think you found this site? We here are the most likely form of help that God intends for you. (Actually, not so much me, as I'm a great sinner, but some of the more moral folks.)

Regardless, take your time and write that letter. Put into it the distaste you feel for your former association with OM, and your rock-solid commitment to have nothing further to do with him. If your spouse still has qualms, we can cite hundreds of cases in which the NC letter was EXACTLY the nail in the affair's coffin. He can talk to us here, if he likes.

Maritalbliss... thank you for such detailed insight to what my BH is feeling. It truly helps me see his side.

Question... you say I'm not "in love" with my H...hence the problem with sex. I so badly want that to be better. Is it possible to "fall in love" with my H... after all these years. Has anyone had that experience. I trust that all of the concepts in MB are golden, b/c I've read so many success stories. I want to be a success story!

Would you consider phone counseling with Dr. Harley?

I will follow your advice, Maritalbliss... everything listed above.
I have a lot more reading to do (MB books - finish SAA, finish HN/HN).
I also bought the workbook that goes along with HN/HN... I bought LoveBusters and Falling in Love, Stay in Love.

I'm feeling overwhelmed by all of this, and don't know which order to proceed... but I think the questionnaire (workbook) is a good place to start. Figuring out our needs...and spending the UA seems critical.

Thank you!

Yes, I've considered the phone counseling with Dr. Harley, but I thought it might be better if I finish the SAA book?? Not sure, but I would be open to that idea....absolutely.

I'm not sure if my H would be on board with the counseling with him. My H is pretty reserved, and at this point, he doesn't want to be open about it. He doesn't ever want to talk about it, and I don't want to push.

Grace, you have such an earnest desire to do this, I can't see why you wouldn't be a success story!

I would suggest you get cracking on the UA time right off the bat. Why not start with the EN's Questionnaire? Will your H do that?

I had seen (in another post) about people who have experienced "sexual aversion" to their spouse... I think it might have been athena99's thread... does anyone know if Dr. Harley helps with this problem?

Yes, ma'm, he does.

Remember, he can give you knowledge but you've got to do the work. There's nothing magic here. This is a tools-oriented website. You can counsel with him and get more input, then use the tools. It won't work if you don't do the work.

LINK

grace 88

Welcome to MB
Remember what you're fighting for.

Send him here to the forum.
Former BH in well-recovered marriages could be of great benefit.

Have you established the EPs you need to make NC happen?

Because it is going to be impossible for you to fall back in love with your H when the OM can and does still contact you. ...even just knowing the door is still open is going to keep you foggy...

Grace,

You said Ok here is list of how what I think might help you proceed digesting all of this information.

1. Start by reading Harleys four rules for a good marriage. They are on this site in his articles. This is the overall plan for a good marriage and all else you will read shows you how to acheive it.

2. You need tools and the two most powerful tools are: the policy of radical honesty and the policy of joint agreement, often called the POJA. These two tools will help you and your H learn about your needs, what are love busters for each of you, etc. Adopt these tools.

3. Learn about love busters and stop doing them. There is a questionaire for these. Both you and your H take them, and talk about why they are. Don't argue, you are talking about feelings and each of you have your own. Now that you have the over all plan #1, and you have the tools #2, and you have stopped the harmful actions #3, you need to make positive contributions to the marriage.

4. You make this positive contribution by meeting each others needs in a way that the person that has them needs for them to be met. Again, this is done via the questionaire coupled with open and honest discussions about these needs.

As for being in love with your H, Harley discusses this at length as well as issues such as sexual aversion.

But, let me offer you an observation. You feel for the OM because? He talked to you, he needed you, he wanted you. Am I right? In short you fell in love not so much because of what he gave you, but what you gave him. I cannot tell you how many WS come here and will say: "Well this person at work had problems and I was helping and offering advice and gradually I started to have feelings for this person, and then gradually it became in love feelings.

Grace, giving leads to loving more than most people realize. You need to act just as your name implies...with GRACE. Start to reach out to your H, start to listen to him carefully, see if you can help him and ease his pain, and gradually you will see you are married to a human being that loves you, needs you, and enjoys your presence in his life.

In short don't sit there and wait for things to change, start by taking actions, graceful actions.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

[quote=Just Learning]
let me offer you an observation. You feel for the OM because? He talked to you, he needed you, he wanted you. Am I right? In short you fell in love not so much because of what he gave you, but what you gave him. I cannot tell you how many WS come here and will say: "Well this person at work had problems and I was helping and offering advice and gradually I started to have feelings for this person, and then gradually it became in love feelings.
Grace, giving leads to loving more than most people realize.

Wow... this struck pretty deep, JL. I get it. Thank you. I know that "action" on my part will be the only way to save my M. I hate myself for all of the attention I gave to OM, for it was wasted and should have been focused on my H.

My H and I are using the workbook alongside Lovebusters and HN/HN. I also need to check out the site for the 4 rules for a good marriage.

EP's in place... got rid of my email and ended a friendship with a common acquaintance of OM. I told my best girlfriend about my A, so that she can keep me focused and on the right track. I have a different cell # since last contact from OM, and I don't use FB.. This should keep me focused on my H and family. If he ever mails me something, I will give it to my H (this has not happened, but I have that as a plan).

Thanks for all of the great advice... I'm sure I'll need more.

God's grace and mercy brought me here.. thanks to Him and all of you!