North, thanks for asking. I am getting lost anymore of where I am and happy to remember I have friends on this board who have given me strength and courage.

My situation has deteriorated further, I am afraid. Once the exposure and confrontations have passed, I am still stuck with a WW living in the guest room and we go on like roommates.

I sit patiently while I watch WW go off with OM and apparently have the time of her life. I document everything especially times when WW does not come home or forgets to spend time with DD.

I know she has seen an attorney a month ago, but nothing resulted form the meeting apparently. I, like Andy in the other thread, am planning to let her do the leg work while I wait to see if I am served. Once served, I will respond with adultery or however my counsel sees fit. I live in Georgia, so I have fault on my side.

My WW is pleasant and goes about this like lives like this occur everyday. To me, they are horrific. She justifies her actions by turning herself into the victim and acting to others as if more is going on behind the scenes than actually is. Bottom line, WW is embarrassed of her behavior and needs support - so she lies about what a horrible life she leads and how impossible I have been. Truth is, we barely speak anymore for longer than 10 minutes.

I am not sure where this ends up. WW slips and talks about a future with me in it, probably out of habit. I have moved on just waiting for the next move. My patience will soon run out, but I wanted WW to actually do the work for me.

Good idea? Not sure. The good thing is that I am no longer hurting and just saving my emotions for someone more worthwhile.

Refresh my memory, who on her side of the family knows about this?

lliam, do they work together? How did your WW meet OM?

Does your daughter know the truth about what her mommy is up to?

Did you expose this to everyone? What happened with the baby shower?

I fear that you have gone along to get along with your WW, and that is not going to serve you. As you have seen.

Are you causing any disruption to her affair at all??

Iliam1 - I only read the last two pages of your thread, but something jumped out at me. What are YOU doing to better YOU? Look, I know we're both in a tough spot, but I take solace in active steps. I'm learning how to scuba, I'm probably going to take a motorcycle rider's course this summer and if my POS house ever sells, I'm going for a pilot's license. These are items on MY bucket list. I've also managed to lose 20 pounds since all this started and I'm keeping physically fit. Even if my WW leaves me, these are things I want to do. These are things that will get me to look beyond my current marriage/relationship.

My WW and I are in MC sessions and we've agreed to limit our relationship talk to that office. That was good for me, I knew what to expect the rest of the time. It also gives me a reason to cut off any R talk at any other time. I can plan A the rest of the time without hesitation. I like having a referee in the room when she starts her babble crap. The MC can call her on it.

IMVHO you need to get to a point where you don't care anymore. That sounds harsh and it's difficult to achieve, but if you can do it - it'll give you a lot of power. If you're doing things for you, being the best possible father to DD and enjoying life - that's the best outcome. I divorced my first wife because she decided, on her own, after we'd been married a year, that she didn't want any children. Well, that was a deal breaker for me. My motto going through that D: 'the best revenge is to live well!' Guess what? She called me 18 months later, trying to reconnect. My response? 'Know that I'm well and have a nice life.' That's it. I'm trying to achieve the same point now, but it's more difficult with a child. WW and I will have a connection the rest of our lives - our DS. Here's the difference, but eventually DS will know the truth. It might be 10-15 years from now, but he'll now. Eventually he'll ask and I'll answer. I try to keep that in mind as I go through this ordeal. I want my marriage to work, but if it doesn't my son will know that I gave it my all and that his mother cheated on me and didn't even try to recover the marriage even though I was willing to try. What's she going to say? I wanted to be happy? Yeah, that's a reason to break up a marriage? I'm also confident that my WW would have several boyfriends between now and then - further bolstering my case.

Hang in there, but please think about what steps you can take to better yourself? What have you been putting off?

North, everyone at this point. They are scared to approach her as she has had a habit of cutting ties with her family in the past for extended periods of time. It was only till she married me has she become closer to her family. Once we moved away to another state, that bond has been strained and I don't think their opinion holds as much weight anymore and WW's family probably believes it is in their best interest not to interfere. I have sent clear signals that if they don't, all is probably lost - but they are still not standing up despite telling me how awful her behavior has been.

Marital, I think they met through a mutual friend. I know it was not work related. If this is truly what is in my WW to treat me this way, then I am not sure I want to disrupt it anymore. Perhaps I am fighting for something I don't really want. This is the point I am at right now.

Andy, I knew there were similarities in us. That is exactly the phase I am in. I am void of feeling and especially the fear. I have moved on with my daily routine to focus on stuff that I want to do. I sued to obsess over what WW was doing and it drove me insane and resulted in my Plan A falling apart, going to anger, and then withdrawing any deposits I made to the LB. I am no longer letting this run my life.

As I mentioned, WW has seen an attorney but nothing has come out of it at all. I sit back waiting to see what WW plans to do. I feel comfortable that with all the information I have along with two proven A's, that a court in Georgia will not look kindly upon her alimony requests. I may even have a good claim to custody since she has skipped many family outings, heavily uses alcohol at times, and shown very irresponsible behavior. For an example, just today she claimed to have to go work (on Easter). I called her business and they have not seen her. Cell records would indicate she is with OM, ON EASTER!!!!

Back to what you said though, Andy, I am no longer depressed about this. Rather, it shows me who she really is down deep and it makes it very easy for me not to care. I am their for our DD and go about my life as if WW is not here - since in many ways, she isn't. I too, have lost weight and really had some good things happen in my business lately. If WW wants to change and come back, then I will be the judge of that after SHE has put in the effort to show me she has changed. I am done with talk about our relationship - it doesn't exist.

I realize this is not the ways of Dr. Harley, but I think I have screwed this up so bad from the beginning in my steps that I only have one path to follow at this moment, my own. If I can get it back to a point where I can take it through the steps, I will - but a lethargic Plan A is the best I can do right now.

Okay, lliam. So what you're saying is that you're going to let her do whatever she wants, and hopefully one day she'll come back to you. That's called Plan Hope. Good luck with that.

I'd be on the phone all night long ringing her cell, then I'd be at the sleazy motel where they're doing it, I'd be changing the locks on the house as we speak, I'd be calling everyone she knows ratting her out, telling them to call her...

...or, maybe she'll snap out of it?

You do realize that she's walking all over you, right?

How long until you get pissed off about that?

Illiam1 - you can plan A her right now, but you've got to make that choice. Based on your last post, however, please consider lining up your Plan B. If she's that blatant about the whole thing, then I'd make another appointment with the lawyer. Do you have any allies on her side of the family? They should have to deal with her at some point. I'll be in that boat sooner or later if this continues.

I'm personally getting closer to at least considering initiating a D action in a couple of months if nothing changes. I think if my WW moves out and is on her own for a couple of months, I might file. This assumes I've got my legal rights for DS in hand. Again, my personal top priority.

Just think about it.

Marital/North, I haven't just let this go. I have tried to intervene, disrupt, and exposed. It didn't work, she kept increasing the distance between us. Sometimes, I think if WW's are set on going down a path and none of the strategies work - then perhaps reality must set in on its own as a last resort.

I just learned this morning, through some snooping, that the meeting with the attorney resulted in her planning to move out while I am away on a business trip next week. Not sure if her plan is to take DD with her or not. I am not even sure she could do that legally. I just saw the forms and written bullet points this morning. I am in a little bit of a panic this morning needless to say.

I am getting all my files, proof, journal of her actions, etc etc ready as we speak.

Go file first as the complainant. Let her defend your complaints not the other way around. Tell her your doing it as soon as its done and then tell her you love her but are trying to protect your family.
In GA I imagine she can take DD legally and there is nothing you can do about it but go to court by filing an emergency hearing. At that hearing If your proof of Infidelity can be substantiated you should get temporary full custody and awarded temporary possession of the family home. But it will also aid you to be the complainant not the defendant. We Men are already disadvantaged enough in custody issues.May even get a bonus Child support check if the numbers work in your favor. (that is ideal for shock factor) In SC infidelity negates all alimony considerations that your WW could claim. GA I dont know.
You have to Kill this A. Hard core reality may do it. But one thing for sure, It will die. They all do. Might take years but it will.
Protect DD now from being jerked out of her home with a WW and the OM.
Sounds also emotionally you may be better off in Plan B. Believe me when I tell you I know this is scary, crazy, screwed up crap. I feel for you and I pray. You must in my opinion let her walk the path if she continues contact with OM and you have given her your conditions of remaining in the M. But you dont have to sit there and watch it.

May I ask just what it is that you are waiting for? See a lawyer TODAY. Block your wife from leaving with your daughter, because without a legal document forbidding her from taking your daughter, she is free and clear to do so, as your daughter is her child also. If you wait, she will file and accuse you of being abusive etc. And it will be YOU who is moving out while she moves POSOM in.

Stop being a sissy and start DOING something. Stop letting her control your life and laughing her butt off while doing so. Your wife goes off to screw another guy, IN YOUR FACE, and you...do...nothing. No one respects a man who lets people walk all over him.

I appreciate the encouragement.

To let you know, there has never been a moment where I 'let this happen'. I have fought from day one. Never have I condoned this or turned my back. I made my stance as it was advised. However, when that stance is ignored and the A proceeds - what course do I have other than illegally confronting the OM and giving him a beating he would permanently remember or forcing my WW physically not to see OM anymore. Neither accomplishes anything. If WW is this driven, then she isn't the person for me.

The lone thing I have done as suggested, is to show WW exactly what it will be like without me. I will not be a friend. All communication will surround what is best for DD. I have shown her plan A and met her EN that couldn't be met while demanding A to stop. When it didn't I retreated to a B where I rarely speak with her while we live in the same home. We did this for our DD who is going to be destroyed when this comes out.

Could I have forced WW out and expedited this process? Sure and I would have eliminated the last hope we had - self realization. As I mentioned before, I feel when nothing has worked and WW still proceeds with the A then WW is the only one who can end it. In the meantime, I do nothing to reinforce her decision to keep the A going. I'm not rolling over, I'm just basically saying if nothing I have done or shown WW had made an impact, then Ill let her take one last look at everything we have and our DD who loves her family and say "JUMP". If WW can still do that and commit marriage suicide, then nothing I could have done would have helped.

I will take your advice as I am talking with counsel today. Thank you for the encouragement to do so. Part of me wanted to have her do the leg work and for me to be the responder, but I understand I need to strike first.

Good luck at the attorney's Ilaim1! I hope you get positive news there at least, from a legal perspective.

When it didn't I retreated to a B where I rarely speak with her while we live in the same home.
Plan C I believe is what Dr H calls this. Never works. You did good but she's a cake eater. Cake eaters are cake eaters, Plan A - Plan B is specifically designed for them. Not WSs that repent once exposed.

We did this for our DD who is going to be destroyed when this comes out.
Didn't go back to look at DDs age but she should already know in the exposure stage. Let WW explain to her she's the one breaking her M vows. She has the right to know regardless of her age.

Just pointing out what I think was an error on your part with DD. But now you have to swiftly move on to Plan B. Go see the Attorney, pay the man and THEN tell her or serve her yourself if allowed in your state.

I dont mean to sound harsh at all. I couldn't Imagine not restraining my self from giving this POSOM a beat down myself. I COULDNT watch it and I wouldnt. Be patient tho Plan B may still work if thats what you decide you want. Once you stop letting her Eat Cake.

Thanks again.

DD is 5 and never has suspected anything. You are right, she should probably know - but this little girl is soooo happy all the time that I couldn't imagine breaking the news to her. She loves us so much along with her room, dog, life, etc. I put up with an unbelievable amount of stuff in order to keep her in the dark and hope that somehow things would work out behind the scenes.

I sought our in house counsel already who is setting me up with someone he recommends in family law. This is horrible - just awful. To believe WW is treating our life together like a high school relationship is unforgivable. To know our DD hasn't factored once in anything WW has done is almost criminal. I won't let her drag DD through her journey where she treats significant others like a pair of jeans she can't decide to buy, keep, or return to try on a new pair.

lliam3, I wanted to offer encouragement to you as you consider telling you daughter what's going on. My DD was the same age when I had to tell her that her dad was moving to his own home and why. As hard as it was to do this, I assured her NONE OF THIS WAS HER FAULT and that she was loved beyond measure. There were tears and lots of questions but because of the stable foundation she had already experienced (sounds like your DD has experienced the same) and her optimistic nature, she adjusted. Yes, there is a hint of sadness and a new realism to her but I still see that sparkle in her eyes. She was even able to remind her brother "brother, don't forget that mom said this wasn't our fault!"

lliam3, you obviously love your DD very well. She will know this and feel this as you tell her. Hold her tight and she will know without a doubt that part will never change.

I will keep you all in my prayers

Typical WS lost in the Fog Iam3. You still can forgive her, never give that up. Its not over it has just began. When she comes back with her hat in her hand or when she realizes 1-2 months/years from now that she made a huge mistake and the A dies a natural death you can still pick up the pieces. If you want to.
Telling the DD is a travesty that there Mom created. Make her do it so she feels the pain shes causing and takes the full responsibility for her actions. Mine couldn't face that music and I had to help HER do it by starting the exposure conversation at the dinner table with DDs and DS. We all cried and it was then she seen what she had done to US. Live and in color! Her Family.
It will offer a huge blow to the A war.
Speaking of huge blows. Again I haven't read all your post on the exposure. But never stop till it kills the A. Keep finding new ways. Hairdresser, OM pastor, OM great Aunt, newspaper, create a blog or shout it out from the workplace rooftop with flyers to pass out. Be relentless in telling the truth. If you truly want her back you may have lost the battle but its still WAR TIME! wars are won with a plan.

I will definitely tell DD once WW or I have started the ball rolling.

I am meeting with an attorney today. I am still trying to make sense as to why her counsel advised her to move out while I am gone. I know its within her right, but what are the steps she plans to take afterwards? Divorce or Separation? Alimony or Mediation? Full or Joint? I wish I knew where she was leaning before I tell my attorneys how I want to proceed. I still have not led on that I know, but worry I may be told to strike first and end up escalating a situation that may have not become so nasty.

I agree, I can still forgive her. I never have lost the ideal goal of our family being together as it was meant to be. However, right now, it can't happen as she is too focused on OM and the grass on the other side of the fence. As I said, I tried in so many ways to end this A but once WW decided to start manufacturing situations in her head that justified her leaving me - it was over.

I have had arguments happen to me as if I wasn't even in the room and she was talking/hearing someone else. WW wanted there to be conflict no matter how hard I would try to diffuse it. It perhaps was the only way she could live with herself and her actions, to make herself actually believe things were that bad and convince others she was the victim. One day, she will have to confront the truth within herself.

Now I face having to pull the trigger to something I worked so hard to avoid. I will have to take the offensive to protect things that I have along with my income so I may be able to still provide for DD during whatever time I end up getting from the courts. I know she is hiding money since I saw $3500 in cash sitting in the closet. WW still professes she is low on money in her bank account. So, this should be interesting on how she may claim she needs $$$ to live. She runs a bar during the day and 75% of her income is cash tips that may/may not get claimed.

Just to watch her play on like nothing is coming my way bothers me more. WW is such a good actress. WW also knows I was planning on going to Vegas at the end of this business trip next week since I would be out on the west coast. WW knows this would look bad to the judge or whoever. So, I am looking to cut my trip short and avoid Vegas so not to appear careless.

So sad. After all I have done and stressed through while things were financially tight at the office in order to see it through so we would still have a beautiful home, cars, vacations, etc... WW just sat & waited. Mad that I cut her AMEX off. Mad that I asked her to work. Having A's behind my back and in front of mutual friends of ours. Having the nerve to act as if it was me who changed and caused all of this. Then, planning her escape as I held up the family alone with all I had left.

Instead of looking for greener grass or another OM, WW should go looking for her conscious and the girl I married almost 7 years ago.


Sorry for the long reply. I had to get it off my chest so I didn't babble on in the attorneys office.

Good Luck,
Right now just take care of yourself and your child, let her worry about herself.....stay strong and be firm with your rights, it's sad right now, maybe someday she will realize that the grass she thinks is so green is just grass.........
Keep the door open for her to change her mind, but let her know you are moving on because of her choices........
Don't help her in any way let her feel the brunt of her decisions, reality check.....
good luck with the lawyer, make sure you only worry about what you want, she is on her own now...........
jessi

Yes, action is better than inaction. It's good that you are consulting with an attorney, at a minimum you can stop your wife from leaving with your daughter and have a better idea how to protect yourself legally.

Waiting for something to play out = being anally violated legally. Act, not react. Take the initiative.