Hello! I am a 32-year-old mom of 2 and my husband announced to me a few weeks ago that he wanted a divorce. I of course am devastated especially since he has done this to me twice before. The first time he had an affair. He came back and we worked on our marriage and it was better than ever.

He says that the reason he is leaving is because I never change. I never follow through with what I say I will do and he is tired of it. I am horrible at following through and I know what he is saying. He doesn't believe I will change and it will be good for a while and will go back to how it was before. I am working hard with a counselor and other programs so this will not happen.He has a few other gripes about me but there are things he doesn't change either and I never say I will leave him because of it. Marriage is important to me and I am dying that he is leaving me.

He moved out this past friday and I am having a horrible time with him being gone. I miss him terribly.I just want to work on our marrage but he says he is done.

My counselor said that I should do the Plan B since he is already moved out. I don't know if there is infidelity involved but I would not be surprised if there was even an EA with the way he is acting. Deja Vu. I have no proof though.

Should I do the Plan B to protect myself? I am mentally breaking down when I have to see him or talk to him. He acts like he could care less about me and it hurts beyond words. He isn't the same man he was just months ago.

HELP!!

I have no proof though.

Time to get the proof.

I don't know if this would be received as good news or bad news, but it's virtually certain that your husband has something going on "on the side". Whether or not the problems you allude to in your note can ever be healed, there is virtually no chance of a reconciliation until the affair is killed.

You said he moved out. Well, he's living somewhere. Find out where that is and the arrangements surrounding it. Do you have the resources to hire a prvate investigator? Do so and get the whole story. (Hint: 75% of affairs start at the workplace, so 100% of the investigations should start there.) Ask his friends/family/coworkers if they know anything. Better yet, ask their WIVES.

Information is POWER. It is time you cease being POWERLESS!

Hi and welcome. Sorry you're here

Is your counselor well versed in Marriage Builders concepts? Is this a marriage counselor (MC) or an individual counselor (IC)?

NG is right; this certainly smells like he's in another affair. Snoop as best you can - check credit card and phone bills to look for anything unusual. You can put a GPS on his car to see where he goes. If you have a gut feeling, get proof so you know what you're up against.

You might consider hitting the 'notify' button and asking the moderators to move this thread to the 'surviving an affair' section.

Some questions that the veterans will likely ask:

- are both kids his?
- is this the first marriage for both of you?
- if not, how did your prior marriages end?
- how old are your kids?
- how long have you been married?
- how old is your H?

Good luck!

Sweet,

Sorry that you find yourself here under these circumstances. I sadly have to agree with bitbucket and NG. Both have been around here a very long time..and, I've been reading here for 3 years.

I am so sorry, but your husband has a history of at least one affair. Couple that with him moving out? Hmmm, because you don't "follow through on stuff"? Really? Forgive me as I'm sure it's terribly hard to hear what you already know, but you know what's going on here, right?

Please, please ask the mods to move your thread to the Surviving An Affair forum. Hey, what if it isn't an affair? Then that'll be great news, and you'll still have tons of tactical support and advice to get your husband back in your home.

((((sweetsurrender)))) You are in a great place.

Now, go put your big girl pants on and let's get to the business of getting your husband home. You in?

Welcome, sweet. I'm so sorry this is happening in your life!

Yes, I'll agree with the others - he is almost assuredly having another affair. You need to do some snooping to confirm that.

The first order of business is to find out where he's living. Can you do that? Has he called to talk to you or the kids? What does he say about where he's living?

What was he demeanor over the past few weeks/month? What have you noticed that is different? Has he been working odd hours? Working out at the gym more? Being secretive with his email/Facebook/cell phone? Is his phone locked? Do you have his passwords? Can you access your banking info online to check for any odd purchases?

Has he talked about any particular women at his job? Do you know the women he works with?

IMPORTANT: Can you access his cell phone records online and look for any odd numbers that he's talking to and/or texting a lot?

Has he talked about the 'importance' of you two having your own friends? Having nights out apart?

I don't want to overwhelm you, sweet, but if you want a crack at getting your H back you need to know who the enemy is.

We'll help you - can you do these things?

sweet,

Time to start listening, as you're going to get a lot of questions that have to be answered to help you. Just answer and let the folks here help you devise a plan.

marital - thank you!!!

P.S. sweet,

You shouldn't be in any plan right now except plan "find out what the h$ll is going on in my marriage" right now. You can't plan around what you don't know. You need to find out what EXACTLY is goingon with YOUR life and family. Without that knowledge, there is no way to develop next steps.

What you'll learn here is that knowledge is power, knowledge is critical, and that knowledge will give you the best chance to save your marriage. What you don't know WILL hurt you, as you're finding out.

You can't move to Plan B until you have the full picture of what is happening.

Can you hire a PI?

If not here are some snooping ideas:
*In addition to the cell records, try to hack into his email & FB accts
*Check the credit & bank statements
*Look at your home computer history
*Try following him from work to see where he is going or stake out where he lives to see who is coming/going

Yes, this may sound drastic but this was how my sister found out who her H was having an A with...by following him after work.

Hang in there!

Okay first of all thank you for your responses. I am going to try and answer all your questions.

First off I asked him to move out. He was determined to get a divorce and proceeded to treat me like I meant nothing. i was on the verge of panick attacks knowing he would be home when I got home. I just hated living in that environment so I asked him to leave so he did.

I know where he is living (in a one bedroom apartment just down the road).

I can't hire a PI because I am broke because of him and his spending. I am on the verge of losing our home because he has done this.

Both children are his. It is my first marriage-his second. His first wife cheated on him after only 6 months of marriage. My daughter is 6 and my son will be 3 in a few months. We have been together 9 years and married for 8. We are both 32 years old.

He has left me twice before. The first time was right after I had our daughter and he was having an A. He moved out and was wanting to be with the OW. He came back to me, went NC with OW, and we went to counseling. Things were wonderful. The second time was just this past summer and he moved to PA for a job promotion and me and the kids were supposed to come over there with him when our house here sold. He ended up telling me one weekend when he came home that he wanted a divorce. After a few weeks though he broke down said he wanted to get help and ended up coming back home and in the process lost the promotion.

This last time he got all depressed for a week or so and after a while of trying to get him to open up he finally told me he wanted a divorce again because I haven't changed like I said I would last time and I never follow through with anything I say I will do and he is tired of trying.

I have had my suspicions of another woman again but he of course denies it. I have no way of getting phone records as it is in his name. I can't get into his facebook-he cancelled it. I can't get into his phone anymore but when I did I didn't find anything but empty text messages (bad sign I know and believe me I am a master snooper after the first time he had an affair). The only thing I can really do is see if i can go psat the Suspected OW home and see if he is there. It will be hard though since the kids are with me most of the time.

I love him so much and all i want is to be with him again and get help. He says we are over and keeps pressuring me to file for divorce. It has only been a month since he told me, 3 weeks since we had sex, and one week since he moved out. I'm dying here.

He sees the kids when he can. His job is in the Well business and he gets called out all hours of the night and day. I have no idea what he does anymore. I'm so sad and depressed.

My counselor is a MC and IC. She knows my H as she counseled us over the summer when he came back home. I dropped the ball in getting us back in mostly because of finances. She thinks I should do Plan B since he is out of the house and since my mental state is really bad. I constantly cry and want him back.

Just last month he told me how much he trusted me and that I should trust him. He had coffee with a "former girlfriend". Stupid freaking me said he could just to show I trusted him. They went to Panera and that was it. HE told me I had nothing to worry about. I think this maybe who he is talking to although he says he is not. I can't find any proof and have no means to do it.

My husband is a Jekyl and Hyde. I just don't know what to do!!!!

I hate to be pushy but I really need help with this. I am dying right now

Ss, there is nothing more I can think to tell you that the others have not said. I have no doubt your h is another affair. Frankly, I would follow your mc's advice and go into plan b. He is going to drive you crazy if you don't. I shudder to think what is going to happen when you get the evidence of his affair. You are not going to feel better, you are going to feel much worse. You have to know, but i would conduct that intel behind the curtain of plan b, if I were you.

Hi Sweet, welcome back to MB. It can get pretty slow on the weekends so just hang on.

Do you work? Is he supporting you and the kids financially? If he's not, then it's time to bring some reality to his world.

On Monday find out if your state has legal separation. If it does, then you probably need to file for this to get an order for support on record. Call around and find a lawyer that will give you a free consultation. They are out there. BTW, I have a real problem with men walking out on their families and refusing the support them. If that's the case here, you really need to do something. If he IS supporting you, then let's go to the next thing you need to take care of.

I've been where you are, a lot of us have. I know the gut pain and the feelings of hopelessness. I didn't have MB when I was going through this, but you do. You can't just sit at home and "hope" that he comes back. Hope is not a plan. Time to get to work young lady.

Do you have any friends or family that would be willing to find out where he's staying? It's important to get to the bottom of this so you'll know if you're dealing with an affair again. In my opinion, with his previous history and hiding stuff from you, an affair is likely. But you want to know FOR SURE before you start fighting an affair.

In the meantime, if you insist on contact, at least stop talking to him about your feelings. I know it will be hard, but it's time to shake things up a little. Right? Start working on you, making your home a warm and inviting place to be. Love on those babies, they need one sane parent right now.

Start TODAY. We'll help you out. Let's get busy finding out what's going on here first.

Take care of yourself. BREATHE.

(((Sweet)))

ETA: I agree with ML. With his history, you seriously need to get to Plan B asap, but understand that it's not something to be done lightly. You'll need an intermediary and to protect yourself legally. It needs to be a DARK, DARK Plan B.

Ok.

You haven't done plan A or B or anything if you're working with a MC. Most MC Sweet, don't know the difference b/w Marriage Builders and their backside. If your counselor knew Marriage builders, she would have coached you to bust up the other two affairs, but she didn't did she. Sounds like she did like most marriage counselors do, laugh as they go drive to the bank and cash your hard earned checks. They arent really marriage experts, more like DIVORCE strategists. You want to save a marriage right?

Save the $ from that MC/IC and get help from MB coaching as this is a precarious situation you're in now.

It is MORE THAN OBVIOUS that you're wh is involved in an ema right now. Like now.

It is either the old girlfriend you LET him go to lunch with or else it is the residual affair from the last summer, that went on unchecked, and has subsequently gone further underground.

Your WH has learned from YOU that is is ok to have affairs and do as he pleases. he can come and go from the marriage as he wishes, without serious fallout, because HE HAS DONE THIS TWICE.

How can you even think this isn't an affair? He has moved out 2x before and it was because OF AN AFFAIR.

Wow.

Call your parents, call a friend, anybody who can loan you money for a PI. And you need to find out who is this posow (piece o sh&t ow). You have two little reasons to find out too! YOur kids.

Here's what you need to do:
1)get snooping: talk to friends, hire a PI and find out as much dirt as you can. Get into your cell phone accounts and look for frequently called numbers. Look for questionable charges in your bank accounts online. FIND OUT who this posow is!
2)make a list of how much you need to keep your household going. How much is childcare? How much are groceries, how much is your car note, etc. YOU need to find this out b/c if you do have to get support from your wh, there has to be an accurate figure.
3)IS HE SUPPORTING you and the kids financially?
4)Get on here. read everything you can and go by the books on how to kill this destructive affair. Trust me, you don't want a divorce, where the venomous ow is in any way allowed around your kids at all. Bust it up while you can!
5)Have you done a plan A or a plan B before? What exactly have you implemented so far?

I know this is alot of stuff, but for this site, right now let's focus on numbers 1, 3, 4, and 5. 2 is more for an attorney later on.

Right now we need to get YOU working to tell us as much information as you can get. We have to find out who this ow is!

And as for Easter, if your wh (wayward husband, b/c that is what a CHEATER is)wants to come over, you do a Plan A. You look gorgeous, the house is clean, nice, fresh flowers on the table, kids dressed cute, easter egg hunt, baskets, etc, and a delicious Easter dinner. You need to plan A before a Plan B!

Read up on plan A and the stick of plan A (what makes it work). Your WH needs to also see you not needy, or clingy or sad. You have to make him wonder. Anyhow, that's what you need to do. Plan A comes before plan B.

Leave him with the best of memories and of his children. He won't know what hit him when you soon go into a darker than dark plan B.

Even if you do a one week plan A, MAKE IT COUNT. Easter might be wh's last chance to do this.

I have seen a lawyer and have already given him a retainer fee. I do work from home actually. I do medical transcription so I could stay home with the kids. I'm still at the house and can in no way make the mortgage so I'm calling the bank Monday.

He lives in an apartment down the road so I do know where he is staying.

I got the potential OW address so I am going to drive by tonight. I just have to know and I don't know how else to do it. Can't get phone records or anything.

He has offered to do child support until things with us are done. I have been hopeless with him before and things turn around but this time just seems the worst. He doesn't care if we lose the house. He doesn't seem to care about anything. My whole life is being ruined and he just goes about his business.

The kids want daddy and he is busy at work or doing whatever he is doing.

I just want my husband back.

I am working on myself and working on an intermediary and the letter.

I just want my marriage and my loving husband back.

My MC is new and she is actually the one who told me to come on marriage builders to get going on everything I need to do here. She has been wonderful and hates divorce and wants nothing more than for my H to come back. She thinks it is an affair and the only reason she told me to go to Plan B was because he has already moved out and because of my emotional breakdowns at just seeing him or talking to him.

He is supporting us but he is really broke right now from having to get his own apartment.

I did Plan A during the first affair and then subsequently went Plan B.

I am just so scared this is it this time and I don't want it to be.

My in-laws, parents, friends, an co-workers are all helping me financially and emotionally tremendously. I mean my parents are shelling out thousands to help.

I know i am an idiot for what i have LET him do. Showing that I trust him just backfires constantly:(

Peachy, I got the sense from her posts that this marriage counselor does know marriage builders since she gave her all the right reasons to go into plan b. Ss sounds like she is already at the breaking point. This mc seems to understand mb and she is also familiar with ss's mental state. That tells me she needs to make that happen and follow your advice to get her ducks in a row.

I agree Mel. Does sound now as if the counselor has advised her on MB plans.

But..

All that being said, what had the counselor SS, told YOU about HOW TO KILL THE AFFAIR?

What has been done on your part right now? Since the identity of ow is unknown there hasn't obviously been exposure.

Was there any at all exposure or plan A done (and I mean properly) when the two other affairs happened? If a NUCLEAR exposure is done and the ow and all of her friends and family are told her skanky ways and the affair secrecy is blown sky high, then I think your WH might now be not in the midst of affair 2/3 (it's either the last ow or a new one).

I know SS, you're in alot of pain right now with small children and I went thru this too. Not knowing is probably the worst part. Once you know the monster that's destroying your marriage, then you can begin fighting it! Your counselor thinks it's an affair, WE think it's an affair, now we have to start FIGHTING this affair!

You can also do exposure WITH PLAN B. I still get the feeling that an exposure needs to be done after we find the identity of ow.

Hugs to you SS. We'll get you through this.

Your parents ought not to be shelling out money to you.
It gets H off the hook in many ways.

Of course his apartment costs money. Money that he should be sending to you to support you.

What do you mean he will support you til you are through? He will, legally support you after you are 'through' too. Don't you (or he) get that?

sweetsurrender,

Thanks for writing. You've come to the right place. My wandering wife (WW) moved out 18 months ago, and I'm still shocked by the brazenness of her moves. Rest assured; being freaked out is normal. But you will need to be bold. Having read this thread, I suggest two things:

1) Buying a Zoombak GPS tracker and installing it behind the glove box of his car, assuming you can access the car. If you can get access, the tracker will follow his movements for 3 days. After that, it goes dead. (You will need to charge the tracker in an electric outlet for 12-24 hours before installing it). The tracker is not expensive; certainly it's cheaper than hiring a PI. The cost is $60 up front; you can cancel without cost after the first month. The price is worth it. The tracker told me the exact whereabouts of my WW -- at the home of her affair partner (AP). Your H is likely doing the same.

2) Once you have certainty in your mind about the A, expose all at once -- to all of his friends and family members. You will need to set aside two hours at least to do this. Talking with people on the phone, sending them emails and FB messages takes time. Plus, the whole thing is emotionally exhausting. Most people will NOT support your efforts and imply that you're batty. This will weigh you down emotionally, so it might be a good idea to call a good friend or family member afterward.

Good luck and God bless.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

Drove by possible OW house and nothing. I will see about hiring a PI but I will have to pay on my own and that maybe tricky.

I am going to assume he is at least having an EA so what do I do? I know I need proof but I am working on it...i need to know what to do now..should I do Plan B?

I don't think Plan A would work as the sight of him makes me ill and just causes me to break down.

he has totally screwed with my emotions and tells me load of crap every time I talk to him about not loving me for a long time and that we just don't get along blah blah.

I just feel stuck.

I know he will have to support me and the kids no matter what. I just meant we have a plan until the divorce is final.