Hi All,

I am in a dark Plan B with my WH. I decided to file for divorce based on adultery in Virginia. I just want the opporutnity to depose both WH and OW. I want the truth out for my kids sake. My WH and I have a PSA because he left me in Sept'10 to be with OW (before I know his exact intentions I went along with it). I have evidence from August about them moving in together, so I think I can dispute PSA on false grounds. Hopefully my lawyers and I can take the contested path.

Anyway - I am in full business mode and making WH life hell. He is still deployed, so I am going up his chain of command to get child support money. He cut me and our four kids off in January. I was working with his commander who was supposed to be sending him home but because I file adultery charges he is no longer able to come home because of the investigation.

He is refusing to pay CS money because he feels the PSA is valid, and shouldn't have to start until July'11. There have been several breaches by both of us, and Virginia law states you can alter CS and visitation anytime when warranted. I am making the case with his commanders if he would have left his wife and four kids like a normal grown up man (i.e. don't use your deployment) then we would have these issues solved in the VA court system.

I cannot even tell you how angry he is at the moment. Is this a typical response from waywards? He blames me for ruining his military career (before the affair he was in a good position to be promoted to company commander, but now I am not sure that is likely to happen.) I think he is the one ruining his career. Doesn't the military frown on their officiers acting like this? Do you think the military looks at him in disgust for abandoning his family while deployed. Do they have a clue the devastation my kids and I have been in because of his behavior?

I don't think I have ever seen him this angry. I know I shouldn't care, but I am still trying to kill the affair, and get him out of this fog. It is likely not ever going to save the marriage, but at least he could make some more manly decisions. Now all he is doing is trying to run as fast as he can from everything, which will likely put him in bankruptcy (there goes his TS/SCI clearance!!!)

He is in this fog really deep. Our entire financial history and his entire heritage are literally going up in smoke as I write this. The quicker I get him out of the fog of her then hopefully he will make better choices.

He pretty much feels like going bankrupt because he wants out of this marriage so bad. I think OW is part of the problem, but I think he has deep internal struggles that are tearing him up inside. I just need him to start caring some about our financials because right now he is taking everything down to hell with him.

Do I keep the pressure up with his commanders and such? Do I keep fighting him on this battle for my kids? He thinks I am being so vendictive, but right now I am just trying to protect my kids. He hates me!!! Is this hate part of the wayward fog?

What is a PSA?

Property Settlement Agreement

Ah. I see.

I would pop over to the Military Board and get their opinions on the legalities.

As far as him being angry about your exposure....typical for a Wayward.

Itistoughlove,

Go back and look at the heading you gave this thread.

"Changing to business only"

If that is in fact what you are doing, if you are 100% convinced and committed to the divorce process, then this is how you should think.

Divorce is a business settlement, in most states you get half of the marital assets/debts, he gets half, then child support an alimony are decided on depending on your two incomes and the custody of your children (based on who was the primary care provider).

You say you are in full business mode and making his life hell. Those two are not necessarily mutually exclusive, but making his life hell should not be your motive. Your motives are twofold; 1) Get the custody agreement that is best for the welfare of your children, and 2) Settle the assets, debts, child support, and alimony as favorable as possible for you and the care of your children.

If by pursuing these two goals you make him mad as hell, so be it. But, if you can accomplish these by keeping things as amicable as possible, that is just as good.

If you have decided and fully committed to divorce, then you shouldn't care anymore about killing his affair or what kind of fog he is in. In fact, you should make things easy for him to carry on if you can get evidence and use it against him. For example, if he is shirking his duties as a father to carry on with the OW, document this and use it against him in the proceedings.

If you are in full divorce mode and he is ruining the finances, then take things into your own hands and steer the ship yourself. Separate yourself financially, work with your lawyer on temporary orders for child support, bills, etc.

You cannot wait for him to "come out of the fog". You have to take over and direct this ship. Use the wayward fog against him. Often, those in the euphoria of an affair will grant all kinds of concessions in the divorce process just be free to carry on.

Agree with everything Schtoop said, and sorry you have to go though this.