So are you in No Contact with your WW then? Do you ever communicate directly with her?

It's kinda funny. When I implemented Plan B, she couldn't stand it but she finally accepted it. When I reverted back to plan A with the texts and emails, I didn't realize that she had misconstrued my intent and had gone to the court. Now she is the one who is implementing Plan B on me. She doesn't want to talk to me at all.

I think you should give DrH's radio show a call and ask for some advice on what you should do. I am way out of my league here.

It's a crazy situation, I know. DrH would probably scratch his head on this one, too. There, in my opinion, is nothing left to do. When you mess things up so bad by not being educated like I did at the very beginning by moving out, i guess i should expect nothing else but a huge mess.

Stop. Step back. Regroup.
If you email the radio show and get Dr. Harley's input, I suspect you would find that it is not way over his head.
He is so good at getting the to root of what to do given even a convuluted seeming situation, it would help get you to clearly see the best steps to take for you and your family.
Give it a try.....and......emailing in and getting input via the radio show if free.
The coaching center costs money and is excellent but the radio show participation is free.
Did I say free?
Yes.

It's been about 4 months since my initial exposure to MIL, FIL, pastor, close family friend and her cousin. I feel like maybe the exposure was not deep and wide enough. Should my exposure have been farther and deeper? Would it even matter at this point?

MIL basically won't say anything because their relationship has never been good and now they are at least "friendly" at the expense of standing up for what's right.

FIL is a serial adulterer so he doesn't care.


Her cousin tried to talk with her, but wife won't accept her phone calls anymore. Pretty much the pastor and her cousin say that there is no use in doing anything because she is going to do what she wants any way. Maybe if more people knew, she would be more prone to really think about what she's doing or maybe she'll just get mad as he!!. Either way, I don't think i really care.

Unfortunately, my exposure seemed to do nothing as well. No one said anything to my WH. The only solace I have is knowing that they can't try to pass of their affair as a true romance. That is enough for me.

I want to advise you to go into a full on Plan B, but I am warring with he fact that a BH's best chance is Plan A and wooing his WW back to the marriage. That is why I suggested you write DrH and get on the radio show. I think he could offer you great advice.

Your sitch isn't hopeless. I just don't know what to advise you to do. If you could get DrH to suggest a plan for you, I would be able to help you in any way I could. Give it a thought, k.

Did you expose the affair to the OMW or to OM family and OM? That is a huge part of exposure MSS.

Anyhow MSS, I'd give the radio show a call and get Dr. H's take on this, as it is really needed at this point imho.

Forgive me if it sounds as though I've given up, but what I guess I'm tired of doing is making things worse. I did everything all wrong at the beginning, and before I learned about sites and books like HSHN, I continued to do things that go against the principles taught here, thus adding fuel to the flame.

I've come to realize that no matter what I do, if God doesn't want us back together, we will not be together. If he does, we will. I've come to realize that, while I want to so bad, I don't ultimately have total control of the situation and I never did.

Understand also that I know my situation is not hopeless, because God is able to do anything. I've spent the last 6 months trying to do things that would turn my marriage around, none of them did anything. At this point, it's time that I stop doing anything and let God bring to pass what he wants. I'm not giving up. I'm just giving God the control I've tried to take away from him.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know that God knows all about my troubles, the marriage, my finances, the loneliness, the hurt, and all else in between. What I do know is that whatever he decides to do is ultimately what he feels is best for me. It's in God's hands now, where it should have been all along.

Thanks for all the help. Now it's just time that I step aside and accept whatever God's will is for my marriage, my family and my life. God Bless.

marksaysay writes,


I have not read all of your thread, but the passages above suggest to me that your response is admirable and inspirational. It's in the spirit of St. Francis' Serenity prayer. You're not blaming others. You're not embittered or revengeful. You're accepting God's will. And you're growing in holiness.

Keep up your spirits. God has a great plan for you. It's just that the interim is going to stink for a while!

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful

I have often wondered if my finding this place was an answer to a prayer. That, perhaps, I was led here to get the help contained within these pages. I would be wasting that answer to a prayer if I didn't use the knowledge here. Even if it is to help others get through this as well. Of course, it is still your choice, and letting go could also benefit you.

Besides, even if your marriage doesn't survive, the teachings contained in this site can help you recover from that. And, one day, if you want a new marriage, you can have one better than you could have ever imagined.

Had a bit of a breakthrough today. No, my wife didn't call and ask to reconcile. This breakthrough is more personal. After all these months of dealing with the adultery of my wife, it was pointed out to me that, although i did not engage in the outward act, I did inwardly commit adultery based on Matthew 5:27,28.

I've known porn was wrong and God has helped me tremendously in dealing with this issue. But today, I saw it for what it actually was, adultery in the eyes of God. I read that passage and began to study it more indepth and my hands began to shake uncontrollably with the conviction of what I had just learned.

It may not be enough to save my marriage or change my situation in other ways, but it did wonders for me and my relationship with God. This was one of those "WOW" moments.

I just thought I would share this with all. God Bless.

Mark, I don't know who pointed that out to you, but you should probably go thank them.

It's a lot easier to let go of resentments when we confess and acknowledge our own failings.

I already have. This was by far the biggest breakthrough for me since this whole episode began. I had originally simply classified it as "lust" because there was no physical adultery, but it never quite registered with me the fact that God is not as concerned about the outward as he is the inward. I still can't stop saying "WOW".

The person who brought this to my attention even suggested that I share it with my WW but I'm not so sure that would be the best thing to do. I will pray about it and follow the prompting of the Holy Spirit to lead me in what I should do. I tell you, the changes that have come about in me during this whole process are great considering what all I've gone through. I could talk up a couple of pages trying to list them all but in spite of them, I know that God has a plan.

I posted this same thing at another forum and pretty got beat up over. Everyone claims that I'm trying to justify my wife's behavior. They really missed the point.

This post has nothing to do with my wife's infidelity. It had nothing to do with my desire for reconciliation. It had everything to do with my relationship with MY God. Regardless of what anyone else thinks, I feel so much better having realized this and repented of these acts.

Self reflection is a good thing for self growth.

I went through the same things myself. It is the only way that we can become better people. And whether our current marriages end or not, we need to become better people.

Your revelation helped me in a way too. My WH viewed porn as well, before he had an A. This made me think about who he really was and that he was already sliding down this slippery slope long ago. He will need to do a lot of changing for me to even consider him a suitable man to be married to any longer. I thank you.

Scotland, this was by far the most freeing discovery of all including the knowledge about relationships and marriage that I've gained. I feel FREE.

And that is the best part of discovering and releasing this type of thing. Now, you need to make sure that you never repeat this mistake again. Remember what you feel like today.

So, have you given any thought into emailing MrsH? I would love to get you a plan and more focused on which direction you could take.

To answer your question honestly, NO. I've done a lot throughout this ordeal. I am forever thankful for the plethora of information i've gained from this site, from the books, from all the input from others, etc. I've fought long and hard and now I'm at a place where I am totally depending on God to do whatever he wants to do.

I've come to realize that no matter what I do, if it is not what God wants, it won't mean anything anyway. I'm quite sure that the Harley's can give some type of advise, but that's all i've been doing throughout all of this, looking for advise from all other sources. Some of what I've learned has helped and some has not. What I do kow is that God knows best. He knows that my intentions for fighting for my family have been pure. If it is his will, then we will be together. If it is not, then we won't.

The lessons i've learned will come to be invaluable to me as I resume a relationship with my wife or a future love interest, so all is not for naught.

BUT I am now at the point where i will be okay with whatever HE decides to do.

At the beginning of this thread, you mentioned that you had sent your WW a Plan B letter by email. And you also mentioned that you would get emails about your daughter, this isn't going to be okay in Plan B.

So, have you decided to go into Plan B and let God lead the way? If that is your decision, I will help you get into Plan B and help you get as dark as possible to gain the advantages Plan B has to offer.