It has been 4 months since I discovered my wife's mutiple affairs. We are working to reconcile, and have had some great moments, but I can't shake the lingering resentment. Everytime we make love I am thinking the entire time about how I compare to her affair partners, and I am really struggling with ED. Here is my story: Apologies ahead of time for the length of this post. I found out about 2 months ago that my wife of 19 years has had mutliple affairs over the last year and a half (I am 43 and my wife is 44). We have 2 young children and I am sickened beyond words. We are a Christian couple, and have always (I thought) felt that adultery was wrong. She hooked up with the first affair partner in late 2009 (an old classmate) on Facebook and drove to the next state over to sleep with him. Her ailing dad lives there as well, and that was her excuse. She is a stay at home mom, who took a job last year where she met the second affair partner (married guy). The brief time she worked there, she got a secret PO Box, and two credit cards. They slept together in hotels all over this very large city and would spend sometimes up to $200 for two hours. So, no matter which route I take to work, i pass at least 4 hotels that they frequented. During this time she bought him a $500 watch, $300 sunglasses, lingerie for their escapedes, and God knows what else. She lost that job after a few months, and one of those credit cards went into collections and cancelled, and another that is maxed out. They then started to use $25 per hour motels, and city parks, having sex in the back of her $40k SUV. The third affair partner was an old flame in the same state as the first partner. He never worked, and she would send him money each month to pay for his cigs, haircuts, whatever else he wanted. She paid for his bus tickets and hotels to our city to have sex. She says that she feel in love with this guy and still struggles to not think about him everyday....but she says that she has not talked to him since...(although she did text him for christmas and his birthday in January) We are not rich people, but she was using money that I set aside each month for groceries, housecleaning, and her allowance. I paid for her a girls only trip to Atlanta...she went up a day early and flew one of the guys to Altanta to be with him for the night. Unknowingly, I bought all of the tools she used to cheat on me with, latest laptop, latest IPhone, digital cameras...., she bought cameras so that the guys could take pictures of their private parts for her. She was texting them all during church, birthday parties, valentines day, our anniversary, vacations, all of the time. Most of the indescretions happened while I was at work, but oftentimes, I would be caring for our 3 and 6 year old, while she was out galavanting with who knows. I found all of this out in December 2010. We are trying to make this work, but I am haunted by the deception, images, total lack of respect. I feel like I am competing with her memory of these guys. She told me that one of the guys was very large (don't know why I asked!!!) This makes me feel horribly inadequate. During her coming clean, she told me that during the first few months of our marriage, when I went to work, she would drive 4 hours back to her hometown in the other state, meet up with some married guy, and drive back before I got home...I have been trying for the last two months to fake like everything is better. She thinks that God has worked some miraculous healing in our marriage, and that all of this was His will to get us to this point...in the meantime I am dead (dying) inside. I don't want to loss my childern. I've always worked hard to be an honest, faithful man, a good husband and father. I've resigned myself to live this life out with her. I only hope that time erases the hurt and those images.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Rodman.

First of all, stop doing this:


This is probably the worst thing you'll ever experience, and you're pretending that all is well. Why would you do that? You have a lot of work ahead of you to heal your marriage. You need to start out by being honest with yourself and your wayward wife. No, everything is NOT okay. At ALL.

What have you done to confirm that these affairs are dead? Have you told any wives of these nasty men what their skanky husbands are up to? Have you snooped through all of her communications devices to make sure she's not secretly continuing these affairs?

Have you been tested for STDs?

There are a lot of tools on this site to help you recover from an affair. Please start reading. I'd suggest you head here first.

martialbliss - it is impossible to argue your point. Dishonesty about how I am really feeling is certainly not going to help us fully recover from this. I feel like I'm so wrong for wanting to bring up stuff again 4 months after we hugged and I said I forgive you, even though i know that it is normal to do so. Mere weeks after DD, she would become so discouraged everytime she even sensed that something was wrong. 4 months later, I don't want her to feel like we are starting over.

I had done some snooping early on, but I'm figuring that if she is up to something, she has probably gone 'deep cover' I've determined not to follow her around, peeking around every corner. Regardless of what she does, my leaving the kids or ripping up their family is not something I want to do. I am willing to sacrifice my happiness for now.

I got tested for STDs, and everything was fine. whew!! It was surreal...getting tested for STDs, and I've been married for nearly 20 years.

I decided against notifying the wife. I debated this for a while, but simply wanted to end this and start healing. I do have sympathy for the wife, but I just don't know what the right answer is.

Thank you so much for your reply. I will check out the link.

Rodman,

The above is a big fat red flag that your wife does NOT get it at all! It is NEVER God's will for us to go outside of His will to get back to His will -- that's NUTS! God does NOT tempt us...I am a FWW. My affair was evil when I was having it, it remains evil today and will remain so for all of eternity. My committing adultery was my sinful will, not God's perfect will. It's true that He will use what we intended for evil for good if we submit and follow Him once again, but it is NOT His will for us to sin.

Here is scripture from James that I believe describes what happens when people choose waywardness:

"When tempted, no one should say, �God is tempting me.� For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death." James 1:13-15

Rodman, exposure of affairs is a very important step -- ESPECIALLY exposure to the OMW [other man's wife]. This is not to be skipped, not only is it the right thing to do for the OMW, but it will also help your marriage by putting two sets of eyes on the infidels helping to make sure the affair is DEAD and remains so. It is a protective measure -- additional insurance.

Mrs. W

Rodman,

Who besides you and your wife know about her affairs?

Mrs. W

Hi Rodman, welcome to MArriage Builders. Sorry you are here.

I agree that the affair should not be brought up endlessly, but your wife should know how much you are suffering. That is part of radical honesty. Unspoken feelings lead to a lack of intimacy.

A couple of huge red flags stand out here, though, and I fear you are not on the road to recovery because of it.

First off is the lack of snooping. You should be putting a GPS on her car and perhaps flexispy on her phone so you can monitor her activities when you aren't looking. This is a very important part of rebuilding trust. When you can see what she does when you aren't looking you will start to relax.

And secondly, why would the OM's wife not be told? How will she protect herself from your wife and her H if she doesn't know? Helping the affairees keep their secret not only serves to ENABLE the affair [affairs thrive on secrecy!] but it leaves this woman and her children defenseless from the assault your wife and her H inflicted upon her. Your wife can't claim to have any remorse at all if she has not made sure her victim knows what she has done to her.

I would make CERTAIN that the OM's wife is informed of the affair. BY YOU. Give her all the facts, your wife's name, phone #, everything. She may want to have a word with your wife. I would not forewarn your wife. Simply tell the OMW and then inform your wife.

These are all important steps in the healing from the affair. I would also strongly recommend you read through this article about affair proofing your marriage and the subject of forgiveness. Can't We Forgive and Forget

n

I hope that you can tell me she was drunk or high on narcotics when she said such an insane thing, otherwise, your wife is very messed up. To imagine that adultery and deceit was "God's Will" is very messed up and hopefully your wife can sober up enough to realize this.

Nor has your wife gone through any "healing" if she has never made sure her victims, the wives of the OM, know what she did. She has not repented.

I suspect, given your wife's glaring lack of remorse and her drunken comments, that her affairs are still ongoing. What has given you the impression that this has stopped AT ALL? I see nothing here that indicates to me that this is over.

Rodman,

Dr. Harley on exposure:


-emphasis mine

Mrs. W

Rodman... buddy.

When it comes down to sex, men can't really fake anything. We can either stand at attention, or we can't.

If we can stand at attention, we can either complete the act, or we can't.

The fact that you are experiencing enough pain and resentment leads into the suggestions from the ladies.

However, there is more. What have you done to restore romantic love in your marriage? Have you been spending 20-30 hours each week giving each other your undivided attention?

This is a foundation of MB;

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html

Is it really ED Rodman? ED is a medical condition. Lack of arousal is a symptom of the negative emotions your wife's affair has had on you.

To overcome that, you have to concentrate on making a new, stronger marriage and falling in love again.

If you are unable to "rise to the occasion" for intercourse, then spend your time rebuilding that spark by engaging in activities other than intercourse; massage, kissing, cuddling, strip poker... things that will help you re-associate arousal to your wife.

I am really impressed and humbled by the quality of the responses. I shared my situation with a couple of people (sister and best friend), but after a few weeks, I begin to sense that they were really ready for me to stop talking about it. Hard to explain how I feel about you all taking the time to reply, particularly considering that there are so many posts, and I am just one of thousands....I guess grateful captures it best.

Mrs. Wondering: I am pretty sure that my wife undertands that the affairs were evil, but she (we) are focused more on the idea of God making something good out of what was intended for evil. Early on I did some Google searches to find an address/phone number for the OMW, but everything seems to be private, so I dropped it. As for snooping, I check her cell phone records, take a look at browsing history, and her email from time to time, but that is about it....There are so many ways to cheat if you really want to. She got very good using technology during this time. I still wouldn't know about all of the many ways people cheat right under their spouse's noses if she hadn't told me. I have her Facebook account password, but she has it set up where it alerts her everytime someone logs in other than from her laptop.

I found a letter that she had written to one of the guys...it was a long letter, but I am have cut/pasted the paragraph that really stings me everytime I think about it. She says that it is not true, and that she only said those things because she thought he needed to hear it....here goes, "You asked me if my life were going 100% right, would I leave you? The answer is NO! You have brought so much joy to my life, and being with you makes my life COMPLETE! I have lived an incomplete life for the last 18 years, and I don�t want to have to do that anymore. As good a man as Rodney may be, you spoke rightly when you said that this may be as good as it gets (with him). Unfortunately, this is just not GOOD ENOUGH for ME! I used to be okay with mediocrity, because he was such an excellent provider and I really think that he is a very gentle, loving and devoted father to our children. But personally, it just isn�t working for me. Honestly, I really don�t think that I was EVER really in love with him. Considering the circumstances surrounding our courtship and subsequent marriage, I married him for all the wrong reasons. I�m saying this for the first time in my life. Admitting to myself (and to you) that I�m a selfish, materialistic [censored], IS HARD!!! But the fact remains� as long as he�s my husband, and will have me as his wife, I will be." So, we are certainly recovering, but can I ever be certain that she ever loved me, and that the only reason she stays is because of the lifestyle (modest yet comfortable). We both came from very humble beginnings. She has a college degree as well, but I always gave her the option to work or not. I am starting to believe that if you don't have kids, both spouses should be doing something. Part of our problem is that for the duration of our marriage, she has usually been quite rested by the time I get home each day. I try my best to 'keep up' with her, but I am usually so tired, especially the older I get. She seems to be getting younger....working out, just ran a marathon, new motorcycle, etc......I had been generally in good health, but fairly recently I have been diagnosed with high blood pressure, diabetes, etc,....never a problem with ED before, but these medical issues could be be the problem along with the mental hell of the affairs.... you know, for a husband to learn about one affair his wife had is horrendous, the idea of multiple affairs, concurrently in some cases, is beyond comprehension.

HoldHerHand...wow, 20 to 30 hours a week. With little kids, that will take some serious planning....but I will see what I can do about that. We have been spending about an hour a night together after the kids go to sleep. Sounds like that needs to be more like 2 to 3 hours..oh, we also meet for lunch one day a week. I have quite a communte across town, so it's not something that we can do everyday.

MelodyLane - I certainly don't sense that there is a ton of remorse, eventhough she cried a lot, and said how sorry she was. For a while, she started giving me a lot of attention, even preparing lunch for work. She admitted that she enjoyed the attention and the sex (especially from the married guy). She admitted that if I hadn't found out, that it would likely still be going on. As for telling the OMW, I tried to find their contact info., but to no avail. The only number I have is the his work cell number. I did call him and told him to never contact my wife again. I threatened to tell his wife if he did. I also had him mail back the watch my WW bought him...

She needs to GET A JOB. You have been working long hours for years. She has had time to cat about. Time for her to supplement the family income so that you have enough time to work out and get some rest. Take some advice from me, who spent years climbing out from under credit card debt incurred by a materialistic wife. Take away her credit cards. All of them. Give her a weekly allowance and a debit card that pulls off that account. The allowance should be only enough for gas and groceries. If she wants more money, let her go out and earn it. My wife now has 2 jobs and is going to school to get a degree. If my wife can adjust to pulling her own weight, anyone can.

Rod, don't think too much about the crap she wrote in that letter. That letter wasn't to another man, it was her justifying her disgusting behavior to herself.

Waywards typically rewrite marital history as a way of justifying acting like cockroaches. They have to, because the know what they are doing is wrong, and against their very own beliefs.

All betrayed spouses have heard the same line of crap she committed to paper there.

Hi Rod~

HHH is right, the letter is hogwash. Think about this, she couldn't have told OM that you were her dream man and she was in love with you completely and then still have expected him to engage in an affair with her, shower her with attention and false flattery, could she? She had to provide HIM with justification to do what he was doing too.

Her words, as HHH suggested, were partly to justify things in her own mind, but partly they were also designed to get a FIX -- active adulterers are like caged rats being given cocaine at the press of a button -- Her words were crafted to get a certain response from OM -- stuff like "You are such a wonderful woman -- you deserve much more from life -- if you were mine, I would treat you like the princess you are" -- that kind of utter fake bullcrap...

Rod, you must work like crazy to find out who OMW is -- seriously, exposure is NECESSARY...

Did you read Dr. Harley's quote that I posted? A clinical psychologist with 40 years of experience saying that exposure marks the BEGINNING OF RECOVERY is very weighty in my opinion -- wouldn't you agree?

Mrs. W

Rodman, please don't ever believe that it was God's will for your wife to beat the crap out of your soul. It pains me to hear that she would say such a thing to you.

Rodman, this hear is a huge red flag. If she is being transparent and honest then she won't care if you log into her FB or email accounts. In fact, given that at least one of her A's began on FB you should request she close the account.

Please do not let her walk all over you because you fear how she will "feel". She obviously did not worry how you would feel while she spent your money on her affair partners.

Rodman, if you believe that her making your lunch is the height of appreciation, you need to pump up your ego. Take it from someone (me) who has no self-esteem whatsoever. I may not think I deserve to be treated like a king. But I know that her treating me like a king goes way beyond making me a sandwich. Think big, man! How about she gives you the name and phone number of each OMW so you can expose to them? I bet she has their home numbers somewhere, even if she rarely uses it.

It strikes me that the wisdom you folks have only comes through deep pain. I am so sorry that you have had to go through the pain that you have to get this wisdom, but I am so grateful that you are willing to share with others to help us get through this. I've never been one to ask for help much, but I didn't realize how much I really needed it this time.

HHH & Mrs W. - your advice re: "the letter" is absolutely life altering...I didn't think that I could ever get past those words.

FF - I share your thoughts about Facebook. On DD, one of her first comments was to not ask her to give up FB....then she said was going to shut it down, but she still hasn't. I am partly to blame...I've told her that it would be okay to keep it to communicate with her friends and family. I also told her that it was okay to keep a promise she made to one guy to call him on Christmas and his birthday....what an IDIOT!! I feel like that by being kind to her in this way, that i can win her heart back...or at least not drive her back to someone else. I've always been this way with her, and she still took advantage of me....seems like I would have learned that lesson.

Markos - I agree..beating the crap out of my soul is a very good way of putting it. I've read a lot of what Dr. Hartley has written...so much there...I have a lot to learn.

Holdon - you've read me like a book....by the way, it's not just a sandwich, sometimes I get chips! LOL

If FB is going to be a presence at all, then the account should be shared by the both of you, with full privacy lockdown, and e-mail notification of all goings on. The friends list will only consist of family, and your closest friends OF THE MARRIAGE.

However, given her history I don't believe she should be near any electronic communication device, let alone social networks.

markos - I just read through your quotes scrapbook....powerful stuff there my friend!