Hi all. I�m just reaching out for a little guidance here, as I�m sure most that come here are. My wife and I are currently on the verge of a divorce and I want some advice on what to do.

Just a little background information on us. I�m 28, she�s 27. We�ve been together for 8 years, married for almost 5 years. While we were dating, I couldn�t have imagined a more perfect person for myself to marry. Right around the time we were due to get married, things started to get rough and intimacy dropped drastically on her part. She assured me that it was just stress of a new job and wedding getting to her and that things would get better. Well, things never got better and have been on a gradual decline ever since. Intimacy is a big deal to me, but it isn�t the biggest of our concerns at the moment.

I�m a very intimate and giving person. I can be a bit hard headed at times, but I usually push pride aside to please others. She is a very opinionated individual and very set in her ways. She doesn�t give in very easy if at all in most cases. I liked that strong will about her years ago, but now it�s become a problem. We�ve worked at the same place since we�ve been married, usually being on similar shifts. I got a new job last July that required me to work dayshift, 5 days a week. She works night shift, 4 days a week. I also go to school part time and have for 3 years.

We�ve had our share of arguments and problems over the past few years. I don�t think it�s anything out of the norm for most couples. However, it feels like we�ve been slowly pulling away from each other. It�s felt like we�re just going through the motions and are nothing more than glorified roommates. It�s easy to tell neither one of us have been very happy for the last couple of years even though we do have a good time together occasionally. I�ve tried confronting her about our problems several times, but no matter what I try, she�s unwilling to do anything about. She usually just tells me I need to just deal with it.

Fast forward to last summer. I finally got tired of feeling lonely and not having anyone to talk to about my marital issues. I posted an ad on Craigslist looking for a female friend to talk to and get advice from. One girl in particular responded and became a great friend. She was very understanding of my situation and gave me several ideas and tips. None of which seemed to help either. Even though I intended to keep everything friendly, she would sometimes cross the line by sending flirty messages or questionable pictures to �cheer me up�. I still had no interest in her in that way, but I valued her friendship so I never really said anything about it.

During this time, the loneliness kept getting to me, so I ended up responding to some Casual Encounters ads on Craigslist. At first, I really wanted to just cheat on my wife and get it over with. I quickly came to grips with inner self and realized this was not what I wanted to do. However, the fact that I never got any responses bothered me and felt like rejection to me. I posted some ads myself just seeing if I could get any responses, but with the intention of never following through if I got responses. I just wanted that feeling of being wanted.

Sometime around September, I gave my phone to my wife because I was expecting a text from a friend and I was working on her car, so I was going to have her talk to him. She accidentally scrolled through my messages and found the texts from the girl I had recently became friends with. She immediately began to question the friendship and became insulted by some of the things we talked about because it had to do with her and her poor attitude towards our marriage. I couldn�t get her to understand how it really was and I don�t blame her because it did look bad. She began to question what else was going on, so she went through my e-mail accounts and found the craigslist ads I had responded to and posted. This set her off and she let me have it. She made me feel like total crap because of it. I of course apologized and told her I honestly didn�t cheat on her or intend to. She didn�t believe me that I was just looking for that need to be wanted. I defriended the girl I had been talking to just to try to help matters.

A couple of tense weeks later I found a new program on my phone that I didn�t remember installing. I googled the name and turns out it was a text tracking program where she could go online and view all my text messages. I felt offended, but not highly bothered because there wasn�t anything incriminating for her to see. I kept feeling like I wasn�t the only one up to no good, so I started snooping around myself. I found a notepad in her desk where she kept the password for this program. Turns out she had also put it on her phone. Big mistake. I found a bunch of text messages from a guy that she works with that were very inappropriate. Naked pictures, talks of having sex with each other (to which she made comments such as �if only I wasn�t married), lots of talk about our issues, and you get the idea. I had questioned their friendship on several occasions because it didn�t seem like a typical friendship between a single guy and a married woman. She generally saw it as an attack and always accused me of being jealous and swore they were friends and nothing more. This wasn�t the case after reviewing the text messages. I found some more to a couple other guy friends, but they weren�t to the same severity.

We talked through all of this and everything seemed to be okay for a few months, even though you could tell we were both a little hesitant of each other. About 3 months ago, my wife started taking horse riding lessons at a new barn. She�s been riding horses since she was a little girl and it�s her largest passion in life. When we met, she had stopped riding because she couldn�t afford it and after we got together I got her back into it. Ever since she started at this new barn, she�s been riding more than she had been. She initially set her lessons up for early Friday afternoons, which I had assumed she did so that we�d have the rest of the weekend to spend together. She would go out there around noon and stay til mid evening. Then she started going on Saturday mornings and spending a good portion of Satruday. For the past few weeks, she�s been spending all night Friday nights, even going out with the people from the barn afterwards and spending the majority of Saturdays out there. I went with her occasionally to spend time with her and because I enjoy the new crowd that she rides with. When she started extending the hours she spent out there, I stopped joining as often because I can�t stand to spend that much time there. I have other responsibilities to take care of at home and my own activities to enjoy.

I started getting the feeling that something else was going on because she�s been even more distant here lately. I checked her phone records and found a number that she was texting during hours that she was supposed to be sleeping and really late at night when she was at work. There were also some lengthy (for her) phone conversations between her and the same number. I sent a text message to the number asking who it was to cure my curiosity. I never got a response and I could no longer access her account. I found her old phone (we had just recently upgraded) and found the number belonged to her horse trainer. He�s married and she�s now good friends with his wife. A day later, her old phone turned up missing and returned 2 days later wiped clean. I checked her current phone and all texts and phone logs to his number were deleted. With all of that, I could only assume the worst.

After a week after discovering all of this (weekend before last), I finally broke down and confronted her about it before bed. I asked her if she had anything she�d like to tell me. She responded with no. I asked her is she was sure and she said no. I then asked her what was going on between her and her trainer. She said there was nothing going on and acted appauled that I would ask such a thing. I laid out what I had discovered and how it looked like she was trying to cover things up. She said she didn�t think I had the right to dig into her private matters like that and that�s why she hides things. She assured me there was nothing going on, she�s not at all interested in him, and that it was all just horse talk. She said the odd hours are due to him not sleeping much and he assumes she�s up at these hours because of her shift. I asked why she was deleting the records and she said it was because they would talk about things our pony needs (we just recently bought a pony to resell in a few months that he is training for us) and that she didn�t want me getting mad about spending money on things the pony needs. She says she knows I�ll get mad over the expenses so she just assumes me not know about them.

The talk then turned into how she was unhappy in the relationship and how she doesn�t appreciate me prying into her private matters and how she thinks I don�t trust her. I admitted that I still have trust issues over what happened a few months ago and that her distance concerned me. I asked her if she wanted to leave and she finally admitted that she thought it would be for the better. This hit me hard and we stayed up for a few hours talking about ours issues and how to go from there.

We�ve had a couple talks since then and she seems pretty content on leaving. She stills claims she loves me with all her heart and that she just doesn�t love us together. She says that I�m not into the same things that she is and that all of the things I want, she just can�t do. She doesn�t want to spend time with me at all, she only wants to spend time at the barn, and that�s it. She says she doesn�t want to have to answer to anyone other than herself. She still thinks I�m a great guy and says she feels bad to do this to me, but has admitted that she�s just a selfish person and can�t continue putting me through it. She said she�s never had time all by herself, she�s always lived with someone, and she�s ready to be on her own for a while and do her own thing. I�m not controlling in the least bit and pretty much let her do whatever she wants as long as it makes her happy and we can afford it.

When we first got together, her best friend in the entire world moved to another state. She says I just came at a time when she was really vulnerable and I was able to offer her everything that was missing in her life. I guess I filled an important void for a while, but now she�s ready to move on.

I guess that pretty much sums it up if you haven�t fallen asleep yet. Anyone have any questions or suggestions??

I think you may want to ask about having these posts moved to the 'Surviving An Affair' thread because based on what you say, your wife is having an affair.

You both definitely have major trust issues. And don't kid yourself, your 'innocent' relationship with your so-called friend isn't innocent at all.

Welcome to MB, Eric.

Linus is right. On all accounts.

You too have both stepped out of the marital bounds.

The biggest thing I noticed, is that both of you have trust issues. Not only in trusting the other, but in EARNING the trust of each other. Those with nothing to hide, won't hide.

You need to deicde if you really want to BUY into your marriage, or walk away from it. Read EVERYTHING on this site, and the books. His Needs Her Needs especially. Surviving An Affair and Renters, Buyers, and Freeloaders, I would also suggest.

If you want to save your marriage, you're in the right place. But, be prepared to BUY into the marriage; even if your wife DOESN'T. I cannot stress this enough.

I wish you luck in either direction you choose.

why would you consider it an affair?

i know it wasn't 100% innocent, but my intent was purely friendship. I never took it beyond that.

i know we have trust issues. she started out the relationship with trust issues due to previous relationships. i didn't until last year when i found the text messages. i never gave her a reason not to trust me until last year when she found all of that. i've never strayed or hidden anything up until that point. she, however, had an incident before we got married where an old friend that she used to sleep with called her up out of the blue and developed a relationship with her again. i told her he was only trying to get her to sleep with him before we got married. she swore i was just jealous and that's not how it was. i informed his wife what was going on and he blew up. he pretty much admitted what it was all about, proving me right. she thinks all of the guys that she's just friends with are just after friendship, but she's so naive that she can't see that she's just a challenge for some of these guys.

You betrayed your wife when you posted on Craigslist.

This.

You will learn that around here, seeking or getting your Emotional Needs (EN) met by anyone OTHER than your wife is an affair. They're usually termed as either Emotional Affairs (EA) or Physical Affairs (PA). When it comes down to brass tax though, it's plainly an affair.

I will say this though. And, trust me, I learned this the hard way too. "Giving no reason not to trust" and "earning trust" are different. If you want your wife to open up COMPLETELY with you, you have to show her that you can do that too. Based on the (recent?) past, you've shown her that you'll do what you think you can get away with until you're caught... Which is what she's doing. How have YOU shown her that YOU will no longer act like that? And will also not ACCEPT the same behavior from her?

But, I'll say that your first course of action is to find PROOF that she is in fact in an affair. EA or PA. Most of us will probably support the evidence so far, that she's in an EA.



2nd Edit:
Please don't run off, just because you aren't getting ego-rubbing comments. MB will open your eyes in ways you'd never imagine, if you let it. I will again suggest that you read as much material here that you can. The Basic Concepts, Articles, and Q&A sections are immense and FREE! The books, and even counseling with the Harleys, are much cheaper than divorce too. Get your thread moved to SAA, and you'll get a TON more responses. The vets over there know what they're talking about.

betrayal doesn't mean an affair. it was fantasy if anything that didn't involve another person physically.

she however, was acting out with people that she knew personally and worked with. it never made it to a physical point.

This is infidelity, sir.

Nobody here believes that you were only looking for a 'friend' by posting an ad looking FOR WOMEN ON CRAIGSLIST.

Are there any children involved?

i openly admitted that i was seeking attention through craigslist. i realized that it was a mistake and then continued just because of the feeling of rejection. this happened because she had pushed me away and was very detached. i did everything possible to find out how to fix this and she told me to just deal with things how they were.

i proved in the first posts that she had been having an 'affair' the entire time i had been doing the same, but for a much longer period. she even denied anything when approached before i did my wrong doing.

as for trust, she's always had full access to anything of mine. i don't hide anything, i don't keep secrets (until craigslist). i always let her do whatever she wants (i.e.- going out with friends to bars without me). all i ask in return is honesty on her part and for her to be devoted to me. she has always had a history of hiding things like text messages, call records, passwords, etc. she says she requires privacy, but i don't think all matters she conducts away from me should be kept totally private. there's no openness from her end.

we talked last night and she says she just needs time away to think about things. in all honesty, we're lucky to see each other 2-5 hours per week. i don't see how she could need any more time than that. she said she just wants to be away from everything she knows to see what she wants.

i'm fine with a separation even though i know where that usually leads. i'm making an appointment this week with a counselor for myself. i told her she's welcome to join me and she said she would if it fit into her schedule. i'd like to get a professional opinion before she finds another place. she also won't agree to a period that she'll need to be on her own. i know it's hard to say how long it will take, but i cannot wait 6 months for her to make a decision.

no children, which is another issue. when we first got together, she told me she wanted a family some day and just didn't know when. i was in the exact same boat.

now, a few years later, she absolutely does not want children, she thinks she will be a bad parent because she's bad about not putting others' needs before her own. she told me she doesn't think it's fair for me to want a family and for her not to give it to me.


if keeping her means no family, i can handle that.

Really? Just really?

You're annoyed because the woman admits that she is too selfish and immature to be a good mother? You want to have kids with someone who cheats on you and admits to being selfish?

The best thing I've heard on this thread is that there are no children involved.

Those bolded statements indicate a mindset where you, sir, are not ready for marriage. You sound like you have set up a 'married single' lifestyle and then are surprised at all the cheating going on? Both of you are selfish. Your craigslist choices have NOTHING to do with your wife, and until you come to grips with that, you are as dangerous to her as she is to you. You two would need a whole lifestyle change to make a workable marriage, and without children, I hardly see how it's worth it. Go be single for a while, enjoy your craigslist hoes for a bit, and when you mature enough to OWN YOUR CHOICES, stop blaming others, stop fluffing yourself up by saying, "Well, she's worse!"--then look for a wife.

She's telling you who she is. Believe her! She is not marriage material, not right now, and neither are you.

read into things too much do we? where did i say I was annoyed? did you not read where i said i'm fine with no children if that's what it takes to keep her? i wanted to have kids with the woman i married, not what she's become recently.

i haven't set up a single lifestyle. i'm just not a controlling person and believe that in order to trust someone, you have to allow them to do things they want to do without consequences. and yes, the ads did have to do with my wife. if she still acted as though she had cared about me and us, i wouldn't have even thought about it. it's hard to be in a marriage where you're the only one involved.

I agree a lot of changes would need to be made and I'm willing to do whatever it takes. I don't believe she is though. I'm not looking to go out and screw around with a bunch of women. I want my wife and only my wife. It just so happens she doesn't want me to the same level that I want her. where are you seeing i haven't owned up to my choices? i've been very clear that i made mistakes and have admitted to anything and everything i've done wrong.

yes, she's telling me who she is. she's tellign me who she thinks she is right now. i can tell you that it's not who she was a few years ago. maybe she's changed and will never be the person she was again. if that's the case, i will have to accept that and carry on. i'm not one to give up easy and i'm not just going to roll over and give up.

You still blame your wife for your craigslist choice, now you blame her for the very idea. That's not owning it, that's saying SHE MADE ME.

Eric,

Here is what I see (I am no professional). You are doing nothing but DEFENDING yourself. You are not asking questions like "what should I do". You are coming across as though you're just looking for validation in what you've done, and how "wrong" she is. It is very easy to get caught up in that. Ask me how I know. But before you do...look at my timline below.

Let me ask you this. If you confronted your wife about her supposed affair, and she confirmed it by saying, "If you had acted as though you cared about me and us, i wouldn't have even thought about it"; what would you say to her?

NOTE: That quote above is from your last post. I just changed the "she"s to "you".

Also, do you still want kids? If so, then why doesn't that matter to you AND her? You appear to be like me. Anything she wants, happens. You see this as a way to keep the marriage intact and her happy. THIS WILL NOT WORK! Again, ask me how I know.

Stop defending yourself, and get busy with what you need to do. If you truly want to save your marriage, you can't stop along the way to defend your actions. Your actions are yours alone. Just as your wife's actions are hers alone. You control you...that's it.