Good day --

I've learned so much from reading all the posts on MarriageBuilders and put so much of the advice into action that it is pretty sad that I'm in the Divorcing forum.

Maybe I don't qualify -- we're not divorcing yet, but soon will be.

I have 90% confirmation that my wife is in her (at least) fourth affair.

The information I have is broken and somewhat garbled, but the "I Love You" between them was clear and the sexually-related banter was pretty obvious.

I'm just not able to go through recovery again. Each previous time got a bit more difficult and we were at the doorstep of divorce twice before but my thoughts of my children always brought me back to "try again".

I feel like the world's biggest fool.

My kids are in college (one soon to graduate) and I can't believe my wife would do this again.

I'm not even going to waste the time of the folks in the "Surviving An Affair" forum because I know I won't survive.

I plan on confuonting her as soon as my daughter's graduation is over so as not to dampen her celebration.

I feel sick -- literally sick about this.

I look forwrd to learning from all of you.

Thanks

Sorry GivingUp,
4 affairs?
Ya. Time to move on, IMHO.
Why put yourself through more weeks of torture? There is a chance your daughter would rather know as it's happening, rather than be told, after the fact, that there was a dark cloud over her celebration that she didn't even know about. Heck, maybe she already knows...
You know what's best GU, I'm just giving you something to consider from an objective point of view.
~Optimism

You can survive an affair even if the marriage cannot survive.

We are all survivors here! Believe it or not, life gets better eventually.

Oh, GivingUp, I always hate to hear about chronic cheaters, but it sounds like you've got one.

Hanging on to a marriage with a chronically cheating spouse is a sentence no one deserves. I can't say that I'd blame you for moving on. I only have one recovery in me. If my H ever strayed again I'd be changing the locks. I can't imagine going through it four times.

I'm sorry.

Sigh.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, GivingUp. Also from someone in Virginia.

While I have no evidence of other affairs, I know that I was my ex-wife's fourth husband, and that she hasn't the ability to build and maintain stable relationships.

With three children from two previous marriages, it's also quite obvious that her children know about her (lack of) character. I'd wager yours do, too. I was told, "her children lover her -- after all, she's their mother -- but they do not respect her."

One of the key things I believe is evident in adulterous people is their overwhelming sense of entitlement. "Why shouldn't I have/get what I want to please me?" is an underlying theme of their existence. It only takes someone with blinders (like me) to ignore the they constantly put up.

I'm sorry you're here, GU. But this is a pretty terrific place to heal. We've been dealt a tough blow, and this is a safe place to come and vent, question, pout, and let go of any feelings that will arise. Welcome aboard!

Thanks for the perspective, Optimism.

I have thought about confronting my wife letting her know I'm through but not revealing to my daughter until after her graduation.

I don't know if she'll feel betrayed or appreciative that we didn't drop this bomb right before her finals. She knows about my wife's other affairs and is the primary reason I didn't leave after affair #3 -- her response was pretty emotional.

It's tricky and I'll give your suggestion some thought.

Thanks

Believe it or not, SmilingWoman, that's the most uplifting thing I've heard in a while.

I know that living with this mess doesn't feel like surviving.

I always said, "One more and I'm through!"

But I always let her come back. Don't know what my personal dysfunction is, but I wanted to believe she can change and (in some way) wanted to believe she'd see me as better than other men. (Warning: Male Ego at work.)

It will be tough -- I expect her to fight dirty and try and milk me for everything she can. But I can take it.

thanks

One of my daughters knows about her affairs (at least the first three).

They all frequently comment on her level of selfishness and self-centered view of the world. She definitely feels entitled to a lot and they see it.

But, they do love her and I will do my part to ensure they don't do or say anything in the heat of the moment to forever damage their relationship. She is still their mom and will always be a part of their lives (if they choose to let her).

Thanks

GU,

As someone who is in your boat, but just a little farther out to sea D wise, I must say that I feel for you. It is time to move on. I know most of the stats say divorce is harder on College kids, but it seems like they might deal with it better knowing about the previous affairs.

Also like you, I've been down the partial D road, and turned around. It doesn't make it easier, you just don't have as many suprises.

I would also like to remind too, that it does get better. Not every day is great, but not every day is bleak either. Ups and downs, peaks and valleys. C'est La Vie right?

Welcome to MB. This place is awesome for recovery, because the people here make it that way. They'll keep ya straight too!

Opt, graduation is probably early to mid-May, so just a week or two. I would let my child have graduation before the mess started.

GivingUp, welcome to Plan D. I'm sorry you have to be here. It's not pretty, but for me it was the best of a bad situation. It sounds like you are in the same boat.

I'd suggest that you go ahead and start educating yourself on divorce laws in your state and get recommendations for lawyers. Go interview a couple of them and figure out your best plan of action. You'll have a good plan ready to implement and can pull the trigger shortly after the semester is over.

Welcome aboard. There are good people here who will help you. As SmilingWoman stated, your marriage may not survive an affair (or four), but YOU can and will. Don't be wary of posting on the other links - you will get good information.

Read the book 'Surviving An Affair' if you haven't already. I've read it twice - the first time when I was actively trying to save the marriage, and again recently to help me start on this next chapter of my life. It helps a lot.

Good luck - stay with us. We care.

Linus

Thanks, Kirby--

Waiting is my inclination (mid-May). She is my most sensitive daughter and I don't want to give her any new distractions during her finals.

I'm thinking of having her with me when I confront my wife since she's in her early 20's and is getting married next year. Still not sure about if I'll have her there, but I want the story and message to be clear and not twisted by my wife.

Thanks

Thanks, and yes, I guess I will survive. Albeit I feel a bit diminished by all of this.

Thanks as well for the advice about divorce lawyers. If I think she'd remain calm and reasonable I'd suggest mediation to get it over quickly, but don't know if she'll opt for that.

I'll have some meetings with lawyers prior to D-Day.

We'll it's funny how quickly 90% sure of an affair turned into 100% sure.

My latest information confirms they had sex (multiple times) and that she blames her recent UTI on the sex (it flared up three days after their last night together on her latest business trip).

And like a stooge I took care of her all day while she was feeling poorly all the while she knew it was probably sex with him to blame for it.

I'm so freaking depressed right now.

Thanks for all the support and prayers.

GU,
yeah, I agree now to wait. D takes a long time usually anyway ~ no reason to get the ball rolling early or in dramatic fashion. I was resisting the notion of trying to 'protect' the wayward. But the truth will reveal itself in time and at this point, as Kirby said, let your daughter have her day (and ability to concentrate on her tests). Put on your game face.
Hang here. Good luck.
opt

Thanks, I appreciate the support.

I thought it would be easy to "put on my game face" and there are times when I'm around her that I'm my usual self.

But when I'm driving to work or alone I'm just as sad as I was after the first affair. You'd think I would have built up some callouses.

The only reasons I have to expose now are selfish, just wanting to get it over with. But then I think of my daughters and I know how selfish it would be of me to ruin her day.

Thanks again.

Please don't do this to your daughter. She needs to know and you should tell her, but don't blindside her by doing it this way.

Thank you for another side of this.

She is fully aware of my wife's affairs and was the one who had the most emotional reaction when we told her a few years ago we were divorcing. It was her reaction that convinced me to stay to try and fix things.

I didn't mean to imply that I would confront my wife and break the news to my daughter in the same meeting. I was going to let my daughter know that I'm planning on filing for divorce due to this affair and ask her if she wants to be present when I confront my wife/her mom.

I guess in some way I want some moral support -- maybe I'm being selfish. I'm not great at winning arguments and my wife's past reactions to D-Day were pretty vitrolic and really left scars.

Should I invite my daughter and accept it if she chooses not to be there?

I don't want to be selfish, but she's an adult and will be almost as affected by this as I will be.

Thanks for the help.

GU,

First, I'm really sorry that you had to go through the "caregiver" role, and it turned out that the reason she needed care is b/c of an A. I know how that feels, and I wouldn't wish that feeling on even my STBX. Well, maybe I would...a little.

While it is frowned upon to suggest non-MB material, I will suggest reading Boundaries; When To Say Yes, And How To Say No. It has helped me realize two things: how my STBX never had the boundaries necessary for marriage, and how I didn't hold my boundaries to deal with that. It is helping realize new fences, and how to hold my current fences.

As one of those unselfish people, I have sucked my pride and wishes in. Mostly in hopes that the effects on DS will be minimized, and to SHOW my STBX a way forward. I don't believe in practicing something other than you preach. Leading by example is my way of life.

I'll agree on waiting to "shine the light" until after your DD's graduation.

As for inviting DD to witness the confrontation...I'm not sure. I understand that she's an adult, and is privy to the past affiars. I'm just not sure it will gain anything. Just like our children know (hopefully) that we're always there to morally support them; your children will be there for you. Just because she isn't there the moment you confront, doesn't mean you'll have no support.

With regards to the D: while your WW is in the dark about your knowledge, you have an advangtage. While she's busy feeding the fantasy, you can be busy preparing. In most D's, as with any legal proceeding, he who leaps first (with a good plan), will dictate the pace, path, and a large part of the outcome. I know you're processing a lot emotionaly, but DO NOT delay on preparing. Set the board how you want it to be played. As you can see from history, you're WW will probably not be upfront, or considerate of any effect on you from her actions.

I wish you luck, and we're always around to answer quesions or aid in recovery. There is a lot of knowledge and support here, and you've even got someone on here from your state (Fred_in_VA) that could answer some questions on legal proceeding in your state. (Not forcing you Fred, just trying to help )

Afterall, we're in this together. Humans I mean. I've come to consider this place as part of my new "herd".