thank you! and welcome renyolds from north of the boarder to my c rate movie. drama is always fun when it not yours. thank you NW, was feeling like i alienated others except for you and susieq.

i did get the opportunity to ask the question about him posting here, i has been suggested that at this time it may not be wizes, he has much to do and maybe it would be too much of a slap. im figuring. but a good question. she did comment that some advice has come from brilliant people. which is a kudos to you all, i hope.

for the hemanwomanhaters club, which i know it isnt you guys for real, bc you men are doing a great job in saving your marriges. and it gives hope to women that men are a bit deeper than they used to be- or its ok to be thoughtful. i am just so surprised at the amount of men here. just to pass along, there is this thing called neocube its a silly magnetic ball chain thing. it a very good stress reliever. look it up on utube, if its not blocked its 29 dollars and worth it if you are a need to do something wth your hands person, especially during hte talks....

btw the quote was from wolfpakgirl - good threads for me

When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid for you to stand upon, or, you will be taught how to fly.

very well said thank you,wpgirl

as directed, i am drafting a note to babymoma, informing her that DSS will be spoken to today about this mess. in it my WH asked that it include the no contact things, what else should i be puttling in it, i an shaking and i would like to say some prtty mean things- that has given be writers block- i have and opening and a middle, but iam stuck and may get ugly. he will read approve and send.

suggestions please!!!!

Jennifer didn't want a NC letter to be written by your H? I can post the SAA NC letter for you if you like, maybe you could use some of its language.

The NCL is typically written in a neutral fashion by the WS letting the OP know the affair was wrong etc. If it is inflammatory, then it is more likely to elicit a response...then things can escalate which is counterproductive to what the real goal is = NO contact at all!

Also I am surprised she wants you to inform baby momma that you will be exposing. That is typically a bad idea because then she could contact DSS before you and put her "spin" on the A and confuse him. (This happens all the time with waywards!)

he has is nc letter is the same as the first one. HA he just has to change the name, so sad.

out MC suggested that we send a letter to her informing her that we would be telling DSS. but the timing of it has to be perfect, we have a schedule time to talk to him today, and this note will go out 1 min before. if she hasnt communicated already, it has been 2 days. i disagreed a first but i can see it from the MC point of view, for the sake of DSS, for him to think that i/we kicked her to the curb, what respect would he have for me/us.

OK, so Jennifer wanted your letter to address the exposure, was that it?

and I think you said your H asked you to include NC language? I think you should leave that to him, other than approving his NC letter.

yes my letter just adresses the exposure, as directed by MC.

my H and jennifer discussed the NC letter, and that is his task, but i will approve. he did ask me to include it in mine, but i am not - thats his job.

Gotcha! Now if you want to post your draft we can take a look at it

As for the NCL, do you two have the SAA model for reference?

he has a copy of the nc letters,thanks

here is draft 1- dont kill me - i can barely type i am shaking

I understand the point of your email on Thursday; protection of your child, it�s a noble thing- but lying to him for your own self-protection is not.
�What the 3 of us have always done what�s best for him�- what is best for DSS is that he knows the truth, which I do now, ALL of it. I am disappointed that for many years my insecure about you relationship with my H came true. But not once did I ever disrespect or disregard you personally or your parenting of DSS. Exactly the opposite I was vocal about my regard for you- that vocalness enabled the acceptance of the situation with you, h and DSS by the entire family.
I am writing you to tell you that yes DSS will know about the affair and the full extent of it. (which I hope you are understanding I do know now the truth and I know that you both lied again on the phone to me- H has told me). While it maybe a shock to him, in time he will figure out how to process and deal with it- and I will be there to support him as I have in the past- you said how do you thank someone for saving your son�s life-
By admission of the truth hopefully he will gain a respect for H and for me, that this is what marriages face and how you deal with the issues are what defines what the marriage is. Someday is he is ever in the same boat he will know the right thing to do, perhaps he will never be in the same boat because of what he has learned.
We are working on repairing our lives, what you and H have done is unforgivable; my goal is to learn to forgive H, and grow into stronger marriage, built on honesty, caring, protection. I hope that you will respect my wishes. I need a better ending??

So Jennifer asked you to send this letter to your husband's ex-wife?

Personally, I wouldn't worry about your DSS thinking you threw his mother under the bus, but...well, here's what I'd send:




Then block her phone number from your house phone (most phone companies provide this service for a monthly fee). Change the emails, cell numbers, etc. as discussed earlier.

thanks NW- used your version with small tweaks, ok 2 tasks down, the letter to baby moma didnt go over too well, oh well. (bunnie burner #2) the video call to DSS, went fine. he is processing- but then spoke to me privately and asked me how i was doing, and if i wanted to come and visit him. he is a spectacular young man.

thank you for all of your help. we are writing out EP's later, but i may wait till the AM, has been a bit of an emotional day.

Any suggestions from the vets of what one thing they should have put on their first EP List that they didnt, or any thing that is an "aahh dont forget..." thing.

It sounds like DSS is a spectacular young man

Your H is going to have to completely change the way that he interacts with women. I have a lot of suggestions but I can't really narrow it down. My H has a whole paper full of hand written notes of EPs and they are all (almost) equally important.

Here are some ideas:

~ no opposite sex friendships AT ALL

~ no discussing of personal problems with women

~ no one-on-one time with women, work lunches, car rides, etc

~ no recreational time (bowling, parties, etc) with women even in a mixed group setting unless YOU are present

~ no emailing or texting with women outside of work reasons

~ no more going to bars or out drinking with his friends at night unless YOU are there

~ if ANY of the OW makes any type of contact (store, email, phone call) WH is to immediately end the contact and let YOU know and then take whatever steps are necessary to block future communication

~ no overnight traveling without each other

~ 100 % transparency, no erasing of emails or texts and giving you access to all records and accounting for all of his time

~ you two spend 15+ hrs a week UA time together meeting each other's ENs (yes, this is an EP) and learning and implementing MB principles

HTH!

we had a pretty good weekend overall, nice dinner out, then easter home alone us spending time. we reviewd our EP list and he enthustiacally agreed to all. he was a bit concerned about his recreation, running and boating... the boat requires alot of time to fix so i said i would help, as for running, as long as there are no running clubs, he should run -he runs in the AM or lunchtime alone.

he wrote me a love note.

he is pretty disgusted with who he was and i think he is going to struggle with that in his head, but i told him, to try and look forward to who he will become...

i am struggling with the nightmares. still up at 3am. any advice?

he is installing all of the mobi, gps and key loggers today, i will have admin rights. what do i do about the ones i installed? should i leave them also?

In my opinion, leave any spyware that you installed as-is and don't tell him about them.

His progress sounds good, re: the note and installing the software. And also, good job on the boating where you offered to help. That'll be good UA time for you guys.

Sorry, no advice on the 3 a.m. nightmares. I was up at 4:00 a.m. wondering if I was ever going to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say, even though I worded it very poorly.

Just keep charging ahead, I guess. I'm sure it'll get better and, as my W said, one day we'll look back and these troubles will all be in the past and over with. Gotta shoot for that.

I think he truly had a come to jesus, ironic that it was easter, guess my mom is looking out for me.

exactly my thoughts! i almost threw up when i saw the envelope with the note, i though utt oh more bombs.... he watched my panic as i picked it up, he said he wanted me to read it after he left. I said that statement makes me more worried. it dawned on him that he could see why i may feel that way since the lastest bomb was in a note.

susieq- thanks for the list, i think seeing it made me more confortable that i had it all covered. i did throw in no sex in any form with anyone but me, for good measure- i wanted to be very clear and didnt want any reason to say "well it wasnt on the list" It lightened the conversation.

"one day we'll look back and these troubles will all be in the past and over with"
i wish that day was tomorrow..

Shoot, while we're dreaming let's go ahead and wish it was yesterday.

I like his reaction to you reading the note--shows that he, at least, sees what you are struggling with. That empathy is a good thing. Did you write one in return? You don't have to give it to him, but it might be cathartic.

I am so glad you found the list helpful, chicka And I am even more glad to hear that your H was onboard with following those EPs.

If later down the road, you are still feeling "unsafe" or unsure that your H will follow what is on it, Steve Harley had us sit down periodically, every few weeks or so and had us read it aloud to make sure that my H was clear about everything that was on it.

About the nightmares & sleepless nights, yes, it will get better! Using Steve Harley's analogy, you have just suffered a major injury and it will take time to heal. The fact, chicka, that your H was willing to send the NCL and implement those EPs shows me that your H is focused on helping you heal your injury which is going to go a far way in helping your R along

yesterday would have been a great day, it was easter, and 70 degrees.

I did write him an email, thanking him for the note and asking if i could frame it, it was the nicest note.

we areed that this list of EP was for today, and tomorrow or any time it may change, but right now this is what i need to feel safe. I dont think anything will come off the list but more things that trigger me may go on.

I do really have to thank you both NW and SQ, you have really helped me thru this portion of my journey and i am grateful for all of the people here, most mostly for the 2 of you. you actually are a great tag team. thank you.

Perfect!

Are you two going to continue on with Jennifer or do the online seminar or lessons, etc? The reason that I ask is that I have seen ML post to others about making sure to implement the changes before the excitement of R wears off, so that you two don't slip back into bad habits. Your H seems very motivated now, so I would take advantage of that.

Even if you don't continue with the coaching or do the online lessons, please please make sure that you use this opportunity to really implement the whole MB program. Work towards integrating your lifestyles so that you spend all of your free time together, schedule your UA & RC time along with learning how to meet each other's ENs/avoid LBers.

we are still on with jennifer, no time to relax now, i we are just getting started, and i think knowing each week we have homework, helps. otherwise, i can see this getting put on the back burner, not happening for me, thats how we got here.