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Well I decided to start a thread here. Was torn between this forum and Divorcing forum. Decided to post where my interest and focus currently is! I am excited and unsure about dating again at the same time and i currently dont have any issues or concerns with my divorce. I suspect I may post about divorce issues as they arise too, but I will try to stay on topic.
Brief introduction for those that don't know me is linked below to my "update post" on SAA forum. My old thread was Want New Start - She Doesnt and I was "SickofLimbo". Changed my nam to LimboNoMore and again to plain old SOL. Have to come up with a new meaning, but I digress...
So I got legally divorced a month ago. Our final settlement is in the lawyer's hands and we are just waiting for a court date. Should be about 2 weeks. We are still living in my house together, and she should move out in about a month. Sounds worse than it is at this point. I had really started detaching last July and after dealing with this for 2 years and about 18 months of plan A, all love is gone. We have divorced civilly, and are cordial and working together to finalize the last steps.
I really wanted to start dating about 6 months ago, and wisely listened to the folks telling me I wasn't ready. Over the last two months I have really thought about whether or not I'm ready. I believe I am, but understand I need to take it slow and set some ground rules. The most important one is that dating should not interfere or take precedence of time with my boys. No meeting the boys until they are ready, and I see that taking a very long time.
I have dipped my toes in dating recently and was talking to a very nice woman for a while, but I think I already became too emotionally attached way too soon. I hear that is typical. Probably over reacted to someone being nice to me. Wasn't prepared for my own feelings and how to deal with them. Hope to do better next time. Another reason to post here- I really don't know what I'm doing as I haven't dated in 17 years, and even then, didn't do a whole lot of it. I did start a profile on Match.com as a way to meet single women. I don't drink or go to bars unless with a group, so the bar scene is out. All of my close friends are married too, so I figured to give the online thing a shot.
I had to figure out what it is I want to do here too. I'm not really looking for a long term committed relationsip. At least not right away. I really haven't dated many women in my life and think I need to meet many different women to really find out what I like and don't like. I figure as long as I'm totally honest and up front, I should be ok and not hurt anyone. I'm also just looking to get a social life and more friends can't hurt either. I know it sounds selfish, but for now it's where I'm at regarding goals of dating anyway. My problem is I have always been a one girl at a time type of guy and need to figure out how to date without being exclusive. Again, I think honesty all the way around will be key.
I believe I have grieved the loss of the marriage and all the joys that come with it, but I understand feelings may come back once I'm truly alone in my house on a week Pinky has the boys. I suspect the biggest challenge will be trying to find balance in my life again. Balancing time and attention between my boys, my family, my friends, my work, as well some time to just be alone, without feeling lonely. For so long now I have been entirely focused on trying to save my marriage and better myself at the same time. At least the latter seems to have had some results.
That's it for starters anyway. I look forward to reading and learning as I go forwards with my "new start."
SOL I never posted to you but followed your heartbreaking story and I'm so glad you've come out the other side.
I hope you can take some more time to heal before looking for another relationship, as tempting as that can be. You're probably a sitting duck for a rebound relationship right now. When you're ready though, with what you've learned here, what a great husband you'll make for some lucky lady.
I'm hoping AGG will come along and give you some of his always wise advice.
And please don't hold anything against me because I'm from Australia!
SOL, I haven't read your story yet, but I'm glad you're finally making it to the other side...that of a fresh start and healing. You are wise to realize you shouldn't see someone exclusively and that you need to get to know many before you can realize what you want or don't want. This is a pretty laid back place to be, all of us moving at our own pace and discovering/learning together. It's certainly more comfortable than the infidelity section! You are wise, also, to put your boys first and consider their needs. That said, welcome, and I hope this next phase of your life is more enjoyable!
I looked for your story and can't find it, can you post a link to it? Thanks!
Thank you for the nice welcome. I would love to link to my thread but it was archived/killed for security reasons. I think after my settlement is completely finished I will ask that it be found and moved back to SAA. It was HUGE!!! Did my link to my update post work? I tried to give the short version of a very long, crazy story. I think I'll just copy that post into here anyway to give some idea of my story.
Hello all my MB friends! This is (was) SickofLimbo and I can now finally post an update. I had to leave the forum for a while due to security reasons regarding upcoming custody fight at the time. My original thread "Want New Start - She Doesn't" contained a whole lot of informations that if found by WW could have hurt me legally so I asked that the thread be killed. I plan on starting a new thread in the other forums soon but knew I had to update here first!
For those that know me and my sitch, this will probably make more sense but I'll attempt to fill in the blanks too.
Was married 13 years and deployed to Afghanistan. While there, wife started an online EA with some married dude from Australia. She didn't tell me, but gave me the "not in love with you" speech while I was gone. Came home and things didn't add up so I snooped and discovered her affair. Found MB and snooped some more and got excellent help and advice. Did the full exposure and tried Plan A. Counseled with SH and even called the radio show once. Had to travel some for military which hurt Plan A efforts, but my WW, aka Pinky, was as stubborn as they come. To this day she has no remorse or guilt and continues her affair. 8 months into Plan A and I had to go away for 2 months and OM flew to the states while I was gone. Now it's a PA. Still tried to recover and Plan A for a while to no avail. It was time to Plan B, but I could not implement due to us living together. Long story but neither of us would leave the home nor could we force the other one out. I stayed for my boys and she stayed to cake eat.
Eventually I had lost all remaining love for her and she decided to go to Australia for two months. While she was gone I filed for sole custody of the boys and exclusive possession of the house and tried to be the best dad I could. She came back home when she was served about a month ago now. Instead of fighting in court, we ended up settling and got divorced on 10 March. One day after our 15th wedding anniversary! I had about a 55% chance of winning the temporary custody, but it was a winner take all scenario, and I couldn't gamble with the boys' life like that. I ended up with joint legal and physical custody, the house, the new car, and a child support bill each month. In my state, even with 50/50 custody, CS is figured by offsetting 28% of each parent's net income and I make more than she does. If she made more, she would pay me CS.
So now we have just worked with a mediator and finalized our parenting agreement and final settlement for all the marital property. We basically split everything in half and I am refinancing the house to take her off. Down side is we are still living together! She has two weeks to move out after I complete the refi and pay her half of the equity. I can't close on the refi until the final settlement is signed by the judge, so it will still be a couple weeks.
It has been the worst two years of my life, but I am about to enter out the other side of this mess. I am truly relieved at this point and am getting through this period of living together OK. It is better now than it was before she left since I really don't care what she is doing and have completely detached. My focus is on the boys.
I hope to try to help out some newbies on here if I can and share some of what I have learned through this process. Although the end result was never what I wanted, I do consider myself a MB success story. This site has helped tremendously with my personal recovery, and gave me the best shot at marital recovery. Bottom line is there are things you can do to save a marriage on your own, but it ultimately takes two. There can be no recovery while an active affair is ongoing, and in my case, I was not able to kill the affair despite every effort.
To you newbies who may be reading this, don't be discouraged by my sitch. I believe the majority of troubled marriages on here have some hope and this site and these folks offer the best chance. Do what they say and let go of your fear. Have some patience and perspective and trust these fine folks, but remember there are no guarantees. In my case, I have learned so much about relationships and self-improvement, I know I will be an excellent husband to somebody someday. They helped me to work on myself during my plan A and I know I am a much better person, mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually because of it.
I know I just sort of disappeared on here and needed to explain what happened. Now that we are divorced, I am free to share what's going on and hopefully try to help others who are just now entering into the club nobody wants to join. It feels great to be back though!
ps- I've changed my screen name but can't decide on LimboNoMore or simply SOL.
I consider us "brothers in arms," _SOL, Stuck or LNM, however you choose to call yourself.
As I mentioned a bit earlier, I'm ahead of you on the divorce front. But I've only just started dating, and like the others, I caution you about jumping in too soon.
You can read my thread here ("The Art of the First Date") for some of my questions and experiences. Speaking of which, I need to post an update...
Welcome aboard. Again.
Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words. St. Francis of Assissi
Thanks Fred, and I already have read your new thread here. Appreciate it. I'm starting to think I may not be quite ready to jump out there yet, although plenty eager. I'll take it slow and will at least wait until after my ex moves out!
I saw where you said it was killed, but I thought you just meant you changed your name...no wonder I couldn't find it anywhere!
It's a shame, really, because others could learn from your experience. Thanks for letting me know!
That's a good point. I think I will contact the Mods and see if it can be 'restored' and brought back to the SAA area. The thing makes Homer seem like a short read though, LOL.
You're right. Your thread was of epic length. Glad to see that you're coming out on the other side, and in such good form!
BH (me): 31 WXW: 31 (Still in the house!) Married: Jan 2005 DS: 6 years old DDay #1: 12 Mar 2008 Failed Recovery #1: Jun 2008 - Jun 2010 DDay #2: 28 Jun 2010 Failed Recovery #2: Aug 2010 - Sep 2010 Plan A/Limbo: Sep 2010 - 24 Jan 2011 DDay #3: 29 Jan 2011 On OM#4, that I know of... D Filed: 11 Feb 2011 D Final: 10 Jun 2011 (still waiting on prop division & custody)
"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink."
Hi. Welcome to the fun section. Okay, that doesn't sound quite right, but this forum is a lot less intense. Most people have tried and tried and are moving on.
About dating. I think it's a good idea to wait a reasonable amount of time. Just don't wait until you are "absolutely ready" because that never quite comes. Some of the issues from your old relationship can't be really dealt with until you are in another romantic relationship. The key is to be strong enough to change your reaction, and also strong enough to walk away if the relationship goes south. And have fun!
I've got some initial thoughts on where I'm at with the whole idea of dating and my future. Figured some of you may have gone through the same thought process so I wanted to post.
I think this discussion is very helpful to me and I appreciate it. I do have a lot of uncertainty for my future and I'm simply trying to figure out what it is I really want, and it changes day to day. I really don't think I should get into a long term committed relationship for probably about 4 years. Learned last week that I'm heading back to Afghanistan in about 24 months. The year before I go will be insane again with long hours and lots of travel. Obviously I'll be gone for a year on deployment, and then there is the adjustment back home again after I get back. That leaves me with just this next year in front of me for a 'normal' existence.
I can't imagine it's a good idea to become committed and then have to deal with being absent for so long. Not fair to potential partner, and would also be harder on me. I figured this was coming soon, but I was hoping it would be 2014 instead of 2013. Still feel like I haven't been able to 'enjoy' being back with all the drama and changes I've been going through. Just trying to take it a day at a time and not worry too much about the future, but wanted to let you know because it does factor into my decisions about dating and what not.
Let me try to explain where I'm at in my head and heart. It's not that I want to see what the dating world is really like. From what I hear, it sounds like it can be a lot of fun and a pain in the [censored] at the same time too. It's actually fairly intimidating to me and I would think full of a lot of rejection. What I am not trying to do is 'interview' for a potential future wife, although I DO wish to find someone for a long-term down the road. I do need to think on that some more.
The ink isn't even dry on my divorce and I still am waiting for the final settlement to go forward. Should be a week or two. Pinky still lives in my house and will for a few weeks after the final settlement is signed in court. I feel I need some time to actually live on my own again, and enjoy being single. Not just in the dating sense, but more so in just being OK with being by myself on the weeks I don't have the boys. I need to continue to work on myself and rediscover what MY own real interests are. I have been living as a 'couple' for the past 17 years and have lost so much of who I am. I need to find that out again, and I need to do that on my own.
I have lived through some extremely high stress situations almost continuously for the past 4 years. Between the stress of pre-deployment and the strain my work and training put on my marriage before I left, through the actual deployment and living for 12 months in a combat zone in the most dangerous place on the planet, and then dealing with the uncertainty and betrayal/infidelity from the one I loved and trusted most in the world, and also fighting desperately to save that marriage for a very long time, I am fried. I am emotionally spent. Then I get home, fight this affair, and start a new career as an officer to include Officer Candidate School which is pretty high stress in and of itself.
Then I deal with the divorce and preparing for a potentially brutal custody battle, along with trying to take care of my boys the best way I can while there own mother essentially abandons them. It's taken all I have to try to hold things together with them. I haven't had much time to really digest everything in solitude. You can't imagine the relief I feel knowing that I'm divorced and will be on my own. (Well, maybe you can.) I just need a break, ya know? The last thing I want to do right now is jump into another committed relationship and not have truly recovered on an individual basis. I know I need to be whole myself before I can fully share with another. But that doesn't mean I can't keep things light and try to have fun with friends, AND single women. I think I'm looking for some female companionship, with or without SF, to enjoy some activities together and just have a good time.
One other thing I wanted to touch on quickly (I'm at work and should be working!!). I appreciate the care and concern from all of you. I just want to say that I really feel very good lately. I really am content, and dare I say, "Happy"? I think it is more than just the relief of the battle being over. I will not be one to sit around feeling sorry for myself and definitely not 'cry in my beer' lol. I think I really have reached the point of true indifference and view Pinky only as my boys' mom.
I think I'm still a bit sad in general terms because I know that this MB stuff could have worked if only she were willing to look into it with me. It's just a shame, but I realize I did all I could do and have no regrets. Going forward, the D was the only option and it has actually worked out fairly, all thinigs considered. Now if I can just get Pinky out of my house! Even that will come shortly. She should be telling her lawyer that she agrees with the settlement, and then we should hopefully be in court next week to finalize. Then I take the documents to the mortgage company and hopefully close a week after that. Then she legally has 2 weeks to move out. She is currently actively working to find a place and i don't expect her to drag her feet. If it takes a little longer for her to move, so be it. As long as she is doing all she can to make it happen. I think she wants to move almost as bad as I want her out. I want her gone more for myself to just get the 'feel' of my new life and some alone time. It's not because of anything she is doing or not doing that is affecting me.
I don't think I hate her, but I have zero feelings towards her. I am nowhere close to forgiving and probably will never really forgive, but I'm not spiteful or angry either. I wouldn't say I'm resentful either. Really do feel indifferent. I really want her to be successful and stable so she can be a better mom for my boys. I do admit I don't want her to be happy, I just don't want her downfall to negatively affect the boys causing more damage to what she has already done.
So I'm not really sure how much more "healing" I need. I at least feel healed and I am so much more happy now. Still need to work on patience and I'm getting better with that. Another thing that I've noticed is trying to get used to the new 'pace' of my life. I have been living in high-stress situations for the last 4 years and now things have just slowed down. And that is great, but I'm trying to find out how to just relax and enjoy relative peace and serenity. I like it, but it's taking some getting used to.
SOL, How old are your kids? Who will have them when you are deployed? You mention your wife abandoning them so I'm concerned about custody when you're gone...do you think she'll give them the full time/attention they'll need? Will she parade one man after another around them? Will your parents have them? I think you're right to give it plenty of time and definitely not rush into anything. It takes time to know ourselves and what we want and some of us might find we don't want someone in our lives after all! Keep it light, don't have an exclusive relationship, it'd be good to "hang out" and be friends with both sexes...
Kay, I have two boys, 8 and 11. Per the agreement, she will get them for the year. We have addressed the issues and she will allow my family access to the boys while I'm gone too. I have a great relationship with her parents and sister still and I know they will be watching out for them too. She did abandon them in a sense, but not legally. She left the country for 2 months to go spend time with her affair partner. Me and the boys knew she was going and when she was coming back. Boys told her they didn't want her to go, but she did anyway. She has since said she will never leave for over two weeks again.
My family and hers would both be willing to take them if needed. I don't think she will bring men around them for quite a while. We have discussed this at length and agree that we both have to be extremely careful with them going forward.
I have really gotten a lot out of this site thinking on my near term future, and I appreciate it all. Some very well thought out posts both for and against dating right now. I tend to think I am ready to start, but I'm not in any hurry. I do see the argument to wait and recover fully and become whole as well. I don't think I'm all the way there yet, but I am pretty darn close. At least in my own head.
I think I am ready to date and I'm excited about the idea, but not in a big hurry either. I'm also OK with keeping to myself for the time being too. Sure, I've looked around a bit on the dating websites, but really just looked. I haven't contacted anyone nor do I plan to until Pinky moves out.
I really do feel indifferent about Pinky. I gave it my all and it didn't work. We have been divorced for over 6 weeks now. Final settlement should be a week from today. I'm starting to move on. She moved on over a year ago. I'm not hurting nor have regrets. I simply look forward to her not being in my home anymore. She has gone out on a couple dates through Match. Last one was Friday night. I find it mildly amusing at just how odd it is now that we truly are living as roomates, but there is no jealousy and I'm not even interested in what she does or where she goes. As long as it doesn't touch the boys and so far it hasn't.
I'm relatively happy with where I'm at right now. It didn't work out to be the best possible outcome for everyone, but as far as divorces go, it worked out fairly well for me and my boys. I'm excited about my future and look forward to starting the model railroad hobby with the boys and finishinig my basement remodeling project once Pinky moves and gets her 'stuff' out of my house so I can begin. I'm also excited about meeting new people and starting a social life, to include doing more with my male friends too. Since I've been home, all my time and just about every weekend has been centered around my boys as it should be. I'm simply saying that I'm ok with the fact that she will have the boys every other week and that will free up every other weekend for me to do something with friends, potential dates, or just spend some time by myself working around the house. I don't currently feel 'driven' to go out and date and I think that is probably a good sign too.
Pinky tried to get financed for a home loan last week. Reality, meet Pinky...Pinky, this is reality. There is no way she can get a house but she did find a very nice 3 BDRM townhome about 1.5 miles down the road from my house. She is giving the security deposit this week and will be moved out within 30 days at the latest. I can't wait!!
I understand that although I feel recovered currently, that I probably still need to work through some stuff. Just not sure what that 'stuff' may be! I suspect feelings may come up once she is truly out of my house and for the most part my life. I'm prepared to deal with it if it happens.
So like my friend Linus and others recently divorced, I think I'm ready. I'm not looking for a long-term committed relationship. I'm not totally opposed to it, but it is not something I'm seeking. I'm just looking for a little female companionship to spend some time together having fun doing things. If it leads to sex, Great!! But it is not my goal here. All good things will come in time. I will be honest with anyone and won't play games. I will also guard my own heart a little bit and take things slowly. My own personal dating will be kept far apart from my boys and only be conducted on the weekends I don't have them.
My new favorite tune is "Diamond Eyes" by Shinedown. Great song worthy of cranking up to 11 on the volume. I like how the lyrics can be taken literally, as in feelings/emotions of combat, or more symbolicly as in facing a challenge and seeing things a little more clearly afterwards. I really like that. Here is the main chorus:
"Out on the front line dont worry I'll be fine the story is just beginning
I say goodbye to my weakness so long to the regret and now I see the world through diamond eyes"
I really like the chorus lyrics as they can be applied to so many things:
"Out on the front line dont worry I'll be fine the story is just beginning
I say goodbye to my weakness so long to the regret and now I see the world through diamond eyes"
There is a 'cooler' video on youtube as a tribute to the military. Most of the footage is a little dated, but the first firefight filmed in night vision is pretty cool to see. Here it is.
Sounds to me like you are right where you should be in adjusting to life after marriage, even ahead of most.
You are correct in that even if you didn't realize it, you began the withdrawal and detachment process quite a while ago as you watched Pinky withdraw further into her shell, then across the ocean. We who followed your thread could sense you changing from fighting for your marriage because you loved her, to just fighting for the sake of the fight itself.
Anyway, there are merits to both waiting a while longer to date and just jumping in. I didn't jump into it the second my ex-wife moved out, but after three months of lonely weekends alone (when I didn't have the boys) and one or two extremely unsatisfying nights at bars and pubs, I decided to dip my toes back into the dating world.
Be careful, we are still more vulnerable than you think and apt to latch on too quickly and tightly to the first person who shows a little affection. I am the exception, the first person I went out with turned out to be more than I could have imagined and we are tighter than ever and extremely happy after 6 months. But, that is the exception, not the rule. It's far easier for the first infatuation to be too much too soon and for one or both to get hurt in the end. I'm not saying it happens everytime or is a reason not to jump back in, just know what you are potentially getting into. I am fortunate the way my relationship is turning out, but looking back I can see just how vulnerable I was.
Keep your guard up, but don't be too closed. I went into it thinking I would just date around for the foreseeable future, but things change quickly once a relationship starts developing.
Agree also about insulating your dating from the children. For sure you don't want to introduce them to anyone too early or show them a revolving door of partners, but you can't live two separate lives either if you meet someone you like to spend a lot of time with.
Opt and I have experience on when and how to introduce the kids, will be glad to share my experiences when the time comes up.
One last thing, be prepared for some guilt to rise to the surface as you begin to date. And I'm not talking about guilt from old feelings about Pinky, I'm talking about guilt that you are somehow taking away from what you give your boys. You have been totally devoted to them through this whole ordeal, and the thought of wanting to do everything you can as a parent to be there for them has taken a ton of energy. Now you are doing something entirely for yourself and it will feel a little weird at times. Don't succumb to this guilt. You KNOW what a good father you are and that you can do for yourself AND be there for them.
