Hi~! I am new here, and I need some quick advice. D-day was in November, 2010. I was completely in shock and devastated. My husband and I have been married for almost 32 years. I chose to make the marriage work, and went through anger and marriage counciling, which ended up to make things worse than ever. My wh lied the whole time about the affair, and said it was a co-worker. I thought he had nc,but had I known about this site before, I would have seen by his actions and words that he was still involved.

On my own I decided to follow what seems to be very close to your Plan A. Things seemed to get better, but he was a fence sitter, and said he was not in love with me. He offered virtually no information, and what he did answer was all lies.I did not trust 100% so I continued snooping. At last I found the whole deal in March in his car, and I was in shock to say the least.

I found out that he had been in contact with this girl, (who ended up to be only 25 years old) all along. He is 55. He met her while at our vacation home location last summer. He had a separate phone from our family account, a seperate bank account with a huge amount of money in it. I take care of all the finances, and I started paying more attention to this. We do not have a problem with money, so my husband was able to pull this off very easily.

My problem now is that I should have exposed when I found all this information out. I had the ow number, and after about a week I decided to call her in hopes that because she was so young I could scare her away. She agreed to stop contacting him, but did contact him to tell him what I did. She was def using my husband for financial gain and gifts. There realistically is no future in this relationship, but she had alot to lose. My husband was mad that I contacted her, but never told me he knew until it finally came out during an argument.

As far as I know, it was a PA, but it only happened once. I think she probably only did it then to keep the money coming in. Since then I went with him to close the bank account, close the pre-paid phone, and he gave me back the cash I found. I now make him bring his schedule home from work because I found out he was using those days off to go the 60 miles out of town to see her. I watch our bank account like a hawk, and make him send the pay stubs home which he had sent to himself.

Things seem good now, and wh promises nc, but I am not 100% convinced that nc is in place. I have tried to protect him in the past by not exposing,( I know this is not what you suggest) because he has a very prominant job, and he could lose that, and that would hurt me in the end. Wh and OW were both really upset when I contacted her. She texted me back to say she was not contacting him anymore. He says the same, but how can I know that for sure? This is the second offense, and he could be really underground now. He wouldnt dare have anything on the home computer or our family cell phone account. He knows I watch the money, but he can have alot money put wherever he wants by request. It would be very difficult for me to ever find out anything more for sure.

I know he has not had the opportunity to actually see her, but I don't know about secret email accounts. He closed them when I found out, but opened new ones. I have had no proof lately that anything has happened since my big discovery, and talk whith the Ow. Just my own doubts from being lied to so much in the past. I think that my contacting her def scared them a bit, and at least threw a wrench to the relationship.

What I want to know now is this. I feel that if I talk to my husband, and tell him that if I have so much as a tiny doubt that there is contact with her, that I will expose them to the max. I think she would be scared enough to stop if she thought I would contact her parents. I do have the info I need to do that. I believe that this is all it might take to really discourage them just in case there is contact. I hate to rock the boat, because everything is going better than ever now, but I don't know if its all a sham. I want him to know that just in case hes thinking about it, I will no longer be a doormat anymore.

I know you don't suggest warning them before I do something, but I was going to say that the next time I suspect, there will be no warning...I will just do it. What do you all think.. Was going to have the talk tonight, because I am a do it yesterday kind of person, and can't keep my feelings in. Please let me know what to do asap since I have already made so many mistakes before I found MB. Looking forward to your replies.

If you let him know, in any way that you will/may expose, he and she will make sure to tell everybody they know that you are this crazy and insanely jealous woman who thinks this sweet young girl is screwing your husband.

This is true even if you tell them "that the next time you suspect, there will be no warning".

Don't you see that telling him this IS the warning?

If she is not a coworker, how could the affair affect his job?

Expose!

I think being a true snoop (keylogger/voice recorder/GPS tracker) and perhaps a lie detector would be prudent in this case.
You don't tell him about the snooping as you gather data either showing no contact or continued contact.
If he doesn't agree to a lie detector test that would be very telling of his commitment to rebuilding a decent marriage.
You never warn of exposure. And, yes, it makes waywards and their other persons heck o' mad. Of course it would. You don't need to expose as a threat or in a way that placates their cruel truth.
You do it because it is useful for you and your vulnerable state of being betrayed. It puts others into the circle of knowledge that helps you take back your power of being a human being. One worthy of stating your own truth.

I agree. Expose him to his family, your family, expose her to her family and his and yours. Expose them to your church leaders if you go to one. They *should* deal privately with the two of you.

I had a very very limited exposure group. The OM was exposed far and wide in his circle. I eventually did expose them at work, but my wife had just left there. I think it is necessary and good.

CV

I would rephrase that and tell him this:




Do it. Trust me, waywards get very good at covering their tracks. In addition to the keylogger that was recommended earlier, I'd definitely be exposing this to everyone on OW's side of the fence. And your husband's, too. He needs accountability and is not mentally capable of doing that at this point in time.

They will reconnect again, especially when OW needs a new bathing suit for the summer or when the money runs dry.


Odds are fair that this is a lull before the storm. If you don't want to be a doormat, then put them both on notice that you won't be staying in this marriage with a third party involved.

Oh, and absolutely no warning at all, ok? If you do, it gives OW time to paint you as some crazy woman who thinks her husband is having an affair.

If you have children, they should be told of their father's adultery with an age-appropriate discussion.

Thank you all for your responses. Reading, I was thinking of trying other detection devices, but as I said before...he is way underground. If he is using a computer, it would be only at work. If he has a phone, it would be kept at work. He is far too smart now to keep anything in our home or car for me to find. I do keep tabs on the odometer, so I know he is not going to see her.

The thing about warning them that I don't understand is this... I don't believe that they would talk to anyone about me, because they don't want anyone to know about them. If they were to tell people how crazy I was, then they would be exposing themselves. I know that each of them is very ashamed of this situation because of the absurdity of it. He is 55 years old, and she is a young single 25 year old with a boyfriend.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Lifechanger.

So, what you've got is a WH who is more than likely lying about the end of the A. Some serious snooping is in order, here. I would suggest you install a keylogger on your computer and slap a GPS unit on his car ASAP.

Don't say anything yet, and never threaten to expose! Get your evidence in hand first that the A is continuing. You need that or they will spin this. Right now all you can pin them with is an A that they may confess to and swear that it's over. Then they'll immediately go underground and make it harder for you to track them. You want to catch them with their proverbial 'pants down'.

I suspect a GPS will tip their hand quickly. Do this as soon as possible, and in the meantime be at your best Plan A so your WH doesn't think anything is up.

Thank you marital bliss...like I said, I already missed my best chance to expose. If he is still involved, it is already way underground. I don't see how I will gather more information. If I just expose, I may be risking that he really has ended it, because I really have no proof or even huge suspision otherwise.

It's easy. Here's the conversation OW would have with her mom:

Skankho: Oh my goodness golly gosh! You won't, like, believe what, like, this crazy woman is, like, saying! Oh my gosh! She actually thinks I'm sleeping with her husband! Oh my gosh, can you, like, believe that! I met him once, said hello, and she went nuts and is saying that she's going to call everyone! Oh my gosh! Like, be real careful mom, cause, like, this woman is really nuts! I just wanted to give you a head's up in case she called, ok?

Mom: Thanks, I'll definitely be on the look out. And have you thought about calling the police about this woman?

Skankho: Oh my gosh, I was SO thinking that this morning! Like, we must be thinking in the same light-wave-electricity-pattern-thing or something! Oh my Gosh! No, I'm just hoping she backs off, but please be careful, ok?


So, there you go. That's how I'd have that conversation if I was a mid-twenties bimbo.

Food for thought.

I see your point northwood. But how can I gather more info. I swear to you that he is too smart to be caught easily again. Everything is done at work.

Besides snooping, why not hire a PI? This might be your best and easiest way to find out if they have taken it further underground.

You said money isn't a problem and this would be the least stressful on you.

Then exposing the "past" affair is still telling the truth. You just leave the accusations open-ended as in "Husband starting having an affair with OW in March 2009 and I need your help in talking with them to ensure that they have no contact with each other."

No one can fault you for that, can they?

Getting and figuring out how to use a digital voice recorder may help most....putting one where he might go make a call on a new secret phone (garage?car? bathroom?).
Keylog your home puter too in case he uses it in the middle of the night for a cyber rendevous?
Both would possibly help find the deeper underground info.
Even though they are maybe deeper underground your H may likely be making errors in judgement to keep it secret. Not thinking totally strait.
If you do find out more, don't reveal it right away until you can calm down, come back for more input and be planned for optimum strategy.

Get a voice-activated recorder (VAR) installed in his car. It'll pick up any conversations that the has that he wouldn't want work colleagues to hear.

Otherwise, you're a bit limited as putting spyware on a company's computer/phone is hard to do and, besides, likely illegal. A PI may be a good route to go as suggested.

I have thought of hiring someone, but I already know that he is not seeing her. I am just wondering if he is emailing her from work, or has a prepaid phone at work. How would an investigator even find that out. He would not have access to his workplace.

If you can afford it I'd pony up for one. A good PI can get the goods fairly quickly.

They're meeting somewhere, Life. He'll be able to follow your WH and find that out. Or the GPS - if he was driving to meet her before, his patterns might not change too much. Either way, I'd get tracking.

I'm going to respectfully disagree with the posters who are advising you to expose this right now, because you don't know what you've got yet. An active affair needs to be handled a little differently than a dead one.

Exactly maritalbliss. And the fact is I don't really have any good reason to think he is up to anything.m I am just wondering. I know he is not seeing her, because she lives 60 miles away, and all his time is accounted for, and the milage on the car checks out.

Also I feel that bringing up my unsubstantiated doubts about him right now would be a huge lovebuster. Not sure if I should do that.

Unless she's driving to meet him. On his lunch breaks or whatever. You need to confirm this, Life. I don't know how much reading you've done on this site, but you wouldn't believe the elaborate lengths waywards will go to in order to conduct their affair. My FWH's schedule stayed 'normal' and he was up to his eyeballs in a physical affair for months.